Love That Starts With Hate
The Confession That Was Waiting for

We returned to Jakarta with my sadness of losing you and confusion about my sudden marriage. Shortly the semester exam was welcomed and I began to not focus. It feels no longer need to go to college because it bears the name of Mrs Harrish Adrian Adisuna.

When Ully, Metta and Chin asked me why I disappeared for so long, I just replied that my father passed away –no more. They were saddened and angry at me for not informing me. My friends may be getting sultry with my overly secretive nature and hiding things. Frankly, it made me start thinking about limiting myself in getting along. I don't want them to know that I'm married. I should have shared that with them but I was worried because I was married to someone from the Adisuna family. I think it'll only make things harder for me.

Harrish also seemed to still want to keep the wedding a meeting of everyone even including his family. Even Harrish also did not tell Evania –imagine. I began to feel that this marriage was only to fulfill responsibilities. I had thought that later Harrish met another woman and really fell in love, she would divorce me –I was always haunted by such thoughts because I did not know what she was doing out there.

Without me knowing I had borne the burden that a twenty-year-old girl should not have borne. Not that having a lot of money can give happiness – as I thought when I was a poor girl. I could send my family more than enough money for Mom's needs and Sekar's school fees, but I felt something was wrong here. Harrish is often not with me. Yes, he was always busy with work and meetings outside the city even abroad for days.

Although never angry, but not this kind of silence that I expected from him. I need to feel something –not just a physical relationship and after it's done he gives me a cold back.

I think I can still survive, I need him. That'sthat's all.

But, is it that when he does what he wants out there, I can do the same? At least to make me happy with the money I have.

***

Ah yes, right too. How did they know for two months I lived in a 16-story building with a husband who didn't care about me? I should have had fun with friends, enjoyed my youth. After all, I was only twenty years old, but she had made me like a thirty-year-old woman who had been fed by her husband's attitude after being married for many years.

“Yuk!” I said to get excited immediately.

Live only once. Harrish has taken half of it and the other half of it I have to run my way –mau will not. But, actually I just miss him too much who doesn't care about me. I began to question if this was his way of taking care of me? Did you know that hiding something like this from people near me was not easy?

I lied a lot about why the change in me was so drastic. It started when I returned all the money I borrowed from Metta. My first lie was telling her that I was saving diligently to get all the loans back. Ever since Harrish set up a savings account in my name, I can just buy what I want. New clothes, shoes and bags. For them it was something astonishing –they knew very well how I was doing. But, I also lied again by saying, Evania bought it. When they asked about Evania who was never seen again, I was a little confused. I haven't even asked about Evania to Harrish.

Once they intended to play to my place of residence because since I canceled the boarding they had been looking for me, I did not explain in detail the reason. I'm just saying the boarding near the campus is even far from where I work –in the laundry someone named Harrish. They still believe it but lately it seems to be starting to suspect me.

Harrish never understood, I needed a thousand more lies just to cover up a lie in the name of a holy marriage. I was too afraid to admit that marriage to anyone else because even his mother didn't know he was married. It wouldn't sound funny if I said I was married to a 5-star hotel owner in Jakarta and titled Adisuna. Who would want to believe it because even he never showed up even just to pick me up for college? Harrish is always busy and often does not come home. Even our marriage has not been registered in the civil record –Mom is very worried about this and every call she always asks. Once again, I always couldn't tell Mom my anxiety for fear that they were anxious. I lied to my mother again that Harrish had taken care of her. We have an official marriage book.

Why would Harrish marry me just to treat me like this? Is it because I'm not beautiful? Not like the women around him all this time? It makes me very desperate. I've never been this desperate ....