Love That Starts With Hate
Where He Will Go:(

That night was bad. Worse than the nights I spent crying because I missed him. But last night, I wailed, yelled at the darkness, slammed everything around me for not being able to stand it anymore. And the next morning, I woke up because someone was knocking on my door.

I know, it must be Harrish –other than him who else? We still live in the same house.

I opened the door slowly. Looking head out so Harrish wouldn't have to see the mess I made last night because of her.

He stood at my doorstep with a deep sense of guilt on his face that looked at me awkwardly. Before he could say it, I already knew that he would tell me the reason why last night it was so easy to throw me out and let me go home alone –even he only realized when I had fallen asleep tired.

“Hai, morning..” greet him, something strange with his tone.

I smiled widely but my streaks of sadness gathered on my eyelids which of course had swollen almost covered my eyes. I think that's what made her guilt all the more unsettling when I saw my face this morning.

“Sorry, i.”.

I've heard a lot of sorry from Sara since last night, and it sounds the same. Both of you underestimate my presence.

Harrish. There was nothing more he could say because he was confused. Somehow every time we talk about ‘we’, he is always confused. It was as if there was no reason or answer as to why things had become so easy to talk about. In a moment I could understand that perhaps because of his haughty nature to filter himself so as not to beg or show mercy. But, lately, he seems to have no answer because what he has in his heart is everything that will disappoint me. He may be burdened because of my feelings for him, who became unrequited after he lost myself –in his head, perhaps after this in his heart.

Really, for almost a minute we stood face to face without speaking. And I waited until a question came out of my head through my trembling lips.

“Do I make it difficult for Mas Harrish?”, I ask, I hope we can talk honestly and openly. I feel I have to know what he really wants –even though, he could have said that this relationship cannot continue.

He immediately shook his head, without looking at my face. There were a lot of feelings in his unreadable look. It could be pity, it could be sad, or disappointed – because he can not also remember everything.

This makes me resigned, to give up next.

“Only...”, he tried to say something, looked at me for a moment before his eyes returned to circulate in all directions and I waited five seconds like five hours only, “Everything has changed.”.

I'm nodding. Yeah, indeed.

“So what Mas Harrish wants from that change?”, my question is, getting impatient.

Not sleeping in the same place and not talking for days, has implied the failure of everything I ever tried to make her fall in love with me again. I realized, all this might have to happen, to show what is mine and what is not.

“I can't hurt you more than this..”, he said, “I won't deny that everything we've ever experienced is real. But, now, everything is different”

I'm silent. Still down. Listen to it carefully.

“You know, I always hope to be able to remember it again so I don't have to hurt you..”, he continued, “But, the feeling problem. I... just feel foreign.. and the more you force me to continue living with me, it will only make you suffer..”.

I'm shaking. I suffered, but no matter how sick I was, my feelings would not change in the slightest. Does he not understand if I do not want to be with him, I have been gone a long time ago?

“You are too young to bear this heavy burden from a man like me. and I feel, marrying you was a rash decision I might have taken a lifetime.”, he said again, saying, his voice is weakened, “Because..I don't seem to think about your future..I know it****, and I'm really sorry, for dragging you in trouble..”.

I was still shaking, without a word. *****?

“Sorry, Sabina, I have to let go of you and vice versa.”, the sound is slow, yet clear and dense. Stabbed into my burning heart. I wanted to tear through the drawers to find sharp objects that could hurt my body.

I dare guarantee, no matter how deep the knife incision in my veins, it will not hurt me more than the pain in my heart –and it is better. Let it be like an open wound without ever being treated. I think he'll let it dry on its own and leave a terrible mark.

“Can't I do something?”, I ask, finally showing the tears I tried to hide since last night, “Can't you remember a little about me, Mas?”

Harrish looked at me with great regret, “I always hope, Sabina...”, he replied, come look sad as he approached a step, and I came back down to catch my breath, wiping my tears “I always hope, I always hope, I can remember..”.

But, that's not an answer. The real answer is that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

“I love you...”, I said again looking back at him.

He was shocked, but with a look tainted with regret, he shook his head very slowly, “I'm sorry, Sabina.”. Before leaving and I fell slumped in the doorway, watching him and his rapid pace.

He never looked back. I always hoped he would see me destroyed just so he changed his mind. But it never seems.