Love That Starts With Hate
Where I Belong

For four years I have never been home. I used to always feel like I would be a gossip home without the company of a husband who had once been hailed. But, it seems, it doesn't matter to me. When I set foot in our humble home, I felt very relieved. Especially when hugged by mother and saw Sekar who was very happy because of my sudden arrival. They were disappointed because I refused to go home.

We started telling stories a lot and it could go all night if it continued.

“How to do anyway, same girlfriend you said you want to introduce to Mom ?” mother asked, looking curious. "Not so familiar?”

Bastian's? Oh, just remember that I don't want to. But it is still hard to explain the current situation. Although, I need to straighten this tangled thread in my head. It's just that I don't want to make you think about my problems.

“He's busy, Buk. "Part also still that way, did not know he was serious about me or not.”.

“Lha, continue ?” mom became more curious.

I shrugged. Between me and Bastian still flying in the air. After the incident, she disappeared –that's natural. And it's all obviously over.

“She can't answer you for what is ?” ask mom, attentive. “Or..you have never told me honestly that you've been married..”.

I smiled bitterly, blankly looking at the face of the mother who was beginning to look worried. "I want to be honest if I'm really sure of the guy that he's going to accept me for who I am, Buk," I said. "But, now I'm not even sure that he really loves me..”.

Mom stroked my hair, smiling. "Yo wes, Ndhuk..," he said softly. "You'll meet true love when it's time. Yes patient toh..”

I'm nodding. Thank God he is still with me.

“Continue...you still see Nak Harrish ?” mother asked suddenly and I was a little stunned. I didn't know that my ex-husband was my current boss. I never told you. But why do you suddenly think like that?

Ah, a mother's premonition can never be doubted.

“You don't have a problem anyway ?” ask mom again.

I'm shaking. Then smile. "No, Buk.." I said.

But my question made me think about it again. Soon I will lose my job. And I don't know if I can still find a similar job somewhere else. I went home, because there was no place for me out there to survive. Things got harder for me, and I started to feel like wherever I went, Harrish would always be there to take away everything I had –whether she was aware of it or not. But, when I applied for a leave of absence, she had already kissed my attempt to get away from her.

He received my letter, read it for a while and smiled cynically. "I think you want to resign immediately" he said – like a sneer because a few days after the audit I might look depressed, even though I try to look calm.

I just shut up. I've been resigned since the first time he came in if he hadn't threatened me with identity falsification.

“You are strong too," he said.

How not?, reply. After Mr. Sendra tortured me five days a week for four years and before that this haughty man insulted and abused me, more than what he is throwing at me right now.

Once back from here, what surprise awaited me in Jakarta? I was waiting for a moment where Harrish didn't need me anymore so she would let me go. Maybe soon and that means I'll be a normal girl. Mr. Sendra won't be able to help me.

Although it had nothing to do, I was on the blacklist of employees who had been in trouble so I had no reference to apply for similar jobs. But, after all, I am also tired of the glitter of Jakarta which makes me always feel thirsty with a prestigious position. After all.secretaries are only worn as long as they are beautiful, the older the more rivals will make them displaced. Perhaps this is what I will experience later…

***

Sekar seemed happy with the makeup equipment that I brought for him from Jakarta. It felt like I remembered the old me when Evania presented me with various kinds of things. I'm happy, I can share it with my sister who is nineteen now. She was my age when Evania first introduced makeup equipment.

“Mbak, Eyang kangen you know," Sekar reminded me, and I woke up from my daydream. "No diaperin?”

I'm getting confused. I feel very far away from them. Going home almost never in recent years, let alone visiting your parents. I always felt that I had to hide all my failures from the extended family out of embarrassment. Sure do. My marriage was so sudden, they could be shocked to learn that it only lasted for two years.

I'm silent.

“Udah, Bin...," Mom interjected, patted my shoulder, then gently stroked my head. "It's pointless to keep it hidden..”.

I still have a hard time admitting it. But. I knew Harrish wouldn't come back…

“Udah five years anyway, son..," Mother reminded.

I'm nodding. Yes, honestly it's necessary. So that I can calm down to the village even though people will gossip here and there, but how else. Keeping it hidden only made me further away from home and family. Especially after Harrish fired me later, where else could I go back?

Me and Sekar began to devise a plan to spend the holiday. We would like to visit Eyang in Banyuwangi and stay there for a few days. They have a very large banana garden and in the past every time they went to their place, Sekar and I harvested bananas.  I miss all of that every time I hear Grandma say I miss our mischievous behavior. I want to laugh, we were very young when we spent almost a bunch of bananas while waiting for grandfather to finish harvesting. Once, Sekar was lost among the banana trees and all the villagers came looking, until Sekar met before sunset. At that time, he cried until his voice was raucous, and since then he did not want to be invited to the banana garden.

I was packing while I was busy with my smartphone. Since coming, not every day I can check SMS or incoming email, or even pick up the phone. Yesterday Jessica called, because she thought I was fired and disappeared after the audit. And he told me some important news that had made my heartbeat move quickly, he was threatened with being fired!

Harrish has started acting again as it turns out. After Mr. Yudi, Mr. Sonny, now Jessica – whose name is listed on the proof of ticket purchase to Hong Kong and a Louis Vuitton bag shopping bill one of the branded stores in Kowloon Hong Kong. Although it was three years ago, I did not forget that Jessica had an affair with Mr. Sendra. The average female class manager or EAM never get ‘giver’ from my former boss. Whether it's bags, perfumes, shoes or watches priced in the tens of millions. They get it just by seducing without the need for hard work.

I went back to being unsettled. My turn is getting closer!

Returning to my smartphone screen, I found one arrow bouncing in the upper left corner. There were two missed calls three hours ago. Evanian. It turns out he's in Indonesia.

Yeah, it's been a long time since I've complained to her every Harrish ‘stabbed my’. But things have changed, and I can deal with it in my own way.

“Hai, Ma'am..," I decided to call back. “How are you?”

“Sabina...where are you going?” he asked, sounding relieved and I laughed. "I went to the office but they said you haven't been in for almost a week…

“I'm on two weeks off, Ma'am. Now again in Surabaya," I explained. "Mbak Evania when to come to Indonesia?”

“New two days ago," he replied. "The plan was to meet Harrish as well, but he also entered the office three days ago. Make me suspicious, you guys make a deal?”

I laugh. "Agreement ?” my reply.

“Ya, just once. The turn has been a new problem deh Harrish bothers me..," he said.

“Ah, Miss Evania, that was a long time ago. Harrish does remember," I said.

“Iya, anyway.but uh, you to Surabaya by yourself ?” ask him again.

“Yes, Ma'am. Who can I go with?” my answer.

Me and Harrish, we're divorced. And Harrish is remarried.

“I accidentally came because Harrish again had a problem," he explained later. "Actually I was lazy to take care of that because he felt he could do everything himself. But, a week passed, he had called me long really”

“Oh yes ?” I don't seem to want to know.

“Harrish confided to me the problem of Sendra and Shanty," Evania began to explain. "Suddenly he asked me, did I know about the behavior of Sendra and Shanty still keukeuh want to survive. Yes, I answer, I know. It was you who said about the storm at Harrish's house at that time.”

So. This has something to do with me. I remember when he was surprised to hear my explanation after the audit was over. He does not know at all –not exactly remember, if he left his family because it does not agree and no one listened that Sendra is a destroyer that really should be removed. I understand how Harrish felt when he was thrown out for not respecting his brother's choice. I understood that Harrish was doing that to protect the older brother who had been crying and suffering a lot because of her husband. Harrish was shocked and saddened when she felt that no one thought of her as the man in the house.

***

“Bin ?” Evania took care of me, probably because I was on the phone too long and she was getting impatient. "Hallo's? Sabin?”

“Ah, sorry, Ma'am..," I said, instantly feeling tired, like just traveled a long way –to the past.

“Hm...you must be daydreaming..," the god, giggling across the street and I'm ashamed of myself. “I'm serious, you know? I tried Harrish's phone but never came in”

“Maybe he is also on holiday, Ma'am. “Why not ask his wife?”

“Eh, his wife ?” Evania sounds surprised. "You don't know that Harrish isn't his wife?”

What's?!

“Duh, why can you miss the information about your own boss ?” ask Evania.

I'm getting confused. Since when?

“It turns out you are really cold as Harrish yes until you do not want to know anything about him?”

“It wasn't like that either, Ma'am. We never talk about personal problems kok..," I replied berkilah –padah he had hit my girlfriend until we really ended.

“Oh yes, yes..," he replied. "Obviously now Harrish is not the same wife.said divorce anyway not yet, but.they have not lived at home”.

“Why ?” I want to know.

As far as I can see, Harrish showed no signs that her household was in trouble.

“Harrish never told you the story, but it's not ethical, I talked his personal problems to you. After all there is no relationship..," said Evania finally –after she made me so curious, now even want to keep her mouth shut. “But..there is something that worries me, otherwise I will not come here, Bin..”

“What's up, Brother?”

“Harrish started talking about you," he replied and my heart was racing again. "I'm surprised too, why it's new now, but I guess, he sounds serious about knowing about your marriage. He asked you where you knew, how until you finally got married.  Also how far do you know about his personal problems. Anyway all she can't remember.”

I'm speechless.

“Last I know, he's fussing again with his family trying to hide the reality of his decision to resign from the company. When he came back, everyone said that Harrish licked his own spit. Harrish does not remember, if The Emperor had been handed down to Sendra directly from his Papa, and once he wanted to take the hotel from Sendra, he was considered to ruin many things that were initially good. He fired Sendra's people because actually The Emperor was in trouble. The Emperor will collapse and the only way is to go public. But no one agreed. The peak time Shanty died and his mother never told him that actually all this time Shanty was hospitalized in Paris because of depression. Once Harrish finds out, she goes on a rampage, so the hotel can get back into Harrish's hands after he sues Sendra for a lot of wrongdoing. And the craziest is tax evasion!”

Geez,…

“All he knows from his mother is that what keeps him away from that family is you, Bin. That's why he agreed to divorce you, and now Harrish knows everything!”

I don't know. I don't know what to be happy about or how, 'cause he finally knows the truth.

I only remember when he left me saying that he had no feelings for me. I cried at the door, until I felt like I wanted to die. He didn't listen to anything I said about us, he was never touched by my tears. The return of that distant back figure to my memory, made a drop of tears just fall down my cheek.

Why is it suddenly painful?, I clenched my hand on the chest while closing my eyes –draining the clear liquid dripping on my thigh.

“Bin...," reprimand Evania. "Are you okay, Bin?”

“Ngak...," I replied holding my breath, because if I took a breath, it would be discovered that I was crying.

“Eat him now I'm anxious..," he explained. "I think Harrish will ask a lot of things about you... because I told him...but...I guess he never said anything about you?”

I'll make sure not. Wasn't I just the past to him?

“Bin, he once told me that you were much changed until he.

I want to laugh hard. Out of ways? Like it's not just Harrish.

Every day we meet. He sat in his chair and I came in with a file to sign, I asked him about what he needed he didn't answer and just told me to get out. A few days before the holidays, Harrish had a few reprimands, but after I said, he looked bored, then told me to leave. I felt like he was weird, but by then I was so thankful I didn't hear him curse or get angry because of a small mistake. Or talking about Sendra.

Memory loss or not, its innate nature never changes. Then what's the problem with me? What, after she asks me about the past, and then I explain, we'll get back together?

No. gabe. I already love someone else.

“Sorry yes, Bin," said Evania, probably because I was more silent and she again felt guilty. "I don't mean to confuse you. But, now, everything that used to be a problem for Harrish becomes a big problem when you feel relieved. I'm Harrish's best friend, either way, I'm still worried”

“I know kok..," I said. "If Harrish does need an explanation, I don't mind. Part of it is just that.”

“Yes, if so. I still have to find Harrish until I see you. You see, the situation he is in now is really down..," he said. "Thank you yes..”

The phone was cut off and I was back. It was as if an invisible thread was pulling me back and I could not struggle against it.

I opened a photo gallery on my smartphone, wanting to find a little old happiness that I actually missed. I still keep all the pictures with Bastian when the distance hasn't separated us so far. Looking back on it just makes me sad. Remembering that night I shouldn't have needed emotions when he wanted to explain everything. If only I hadn't closed my door, he wouldn't have forced it so desperately. But... Why did Harrish come to my place that night?

Never mind…

Bastian hasn't called me since.