My First Love (My Memories Revealed)
CHAPTER 11 | Painful Lies

That day Sam and I stayed up all night, I was silent with a blank look that I didn't know what to think, I felt like it was a really hard day to go through. Today we split the bed, Sam slept in Mira's room and I lay on the bed with my hands all over my face, slowly I started crying, I tried not to let out my voice, I tried to, but this is all too painful for me, my chest hurts to hold all this, I want to scream, I want to get out of this, slowly my crying gets heard, I start crying and crying. My voice has been getting louder for a long time. Unconsciously I screamed. Like crazy people, but I want to vent what I feel all along.

The feeling of pain in my heart seemed to peak and I was unable to control my emotions, that day I remembered Rey, the man I loved so much, I remembered his smile, I remembered his warm embrace, I remembered his warm embrace, everything he did to make me laugh. I remember everything. My memories began to take me to a place I wanted to forget. I remember when I was in a grave, a tombstone bearing the name Reynand. It really hurts. I cried nonstop all night.

In the morning, I was still in my position, lying down and doing nothing.I heard the sound of the door knocking and called me softly at that moment.

Tok tok tok tok

“Rein, get out for a while. You have to eat” it is the voice of Sam.

After everything that happened Sam still treated me very well. I didn't let it go, like someone who lost hope of survival, that's how I felt. I cried so much that I had no more strength to move this morning.

Sam opened the door because there was no response from me, he came in with some of my favorite pancakes and coffee. Although sad and painful, Sam came to me with a smile on his face, but his gaze could not lie. His gaze looked sad although he put a smile on his face.

“You eat first. Sorry I can't cook, all I can do is make pancakes and your favorite coffee.”

The seyuman looked sincere but his eyes were very sad. How could he do all this? Wasn't he hurt because I lied to him? Doesn't she think I'm a bad woman?

My tears began to trickle seeing his treatment of me. Sam wiped my tears and shook his head.

“Please don't be sad anymore, I'm sick to see you like this Rein”

I stopped Sam's words and let out a long sigh.

“Let's end everything Sam. We are equally hurt if we continue this way”

Sam looked at me for a moment and shook his head while closing his eyes and closing his ears.

“Stop Rein, I don't want to hear anything like this again, we solve this problem with a cool head”

I looked towards him, what else is there to complete right now? Everything is over, there is nothing to maintain in this relationship I thought.

Sam held my hand, I felt his hands tremble and sweat.

“You can't think of me as your husband, you just want to take care of Mira? Please. Do you want to live like before? Do it but don't leave me Rein”

Sam put his forehead close to my hand. His love for me is so great I can see it but I can't feel it because my heart is dead.

“Stay here, I do whatever you want. Do you want us to split the bed? Okay. Whatever you want Rein, but let me be around you. It might take you a long time to accept me, I don't care. Let me love you. I'll wait as long as it is.”

I was silent to hear him say that, I shook my head, this is not true. Everything's wrong. Sam shouldn't be like this.

“Are you not selfish Sam? Why keep holding me to yourself? Let me find my happiness Sam. Don't block me anymore”

“I don't care about Rein, I know everything you feel, you can't leave your past, you're stuck with your mass, you don't want to take me into your dark world. But I'm ready with everything.”

I looked into Sam's eyes, how could he know it, the thing I was holding alone but he could feel it.

“Don't worry Rein, let me into your world, slowly let me give you another color in your life, one chance Rein, I want you to feel love again, if you're afraid you can hold my hand, I wouldn't touch you without your permission, I promise. We're going through everything together. Trust me”

For some reason when I heard Sam say, my heart calmed down. He made me believe that if I could join him, he made me dare to move without fear. And his hand is always ready to catch me when I fall.

I just realized, I'm the one who's selfish, not Sam. Sam just protected me, he just loved me in his way, he just made me happy all this time, I was the selfish one, I always made him sad, I'm the one who made Sam believe that I love him and live the lies I made, I'm the cause of the problem.

Sam took my hand and raised my face so I could see his eyes, he was heartfelt on his face.

“For no more lies Rein, I better live with the fact that you haven't loved me than I live with all the lies that say that you love me. That's more painful.”

I'm nodding. I really feel guilty for Sam, I should not have lied to him all this time, but my heart has not fully loved Sam, I am still entangled with old love and unable to escape, but from here I learned, I can no longer lie to Sam, after all my husband. Although this marriage is not what I want, I should not treat someone who loves me so much like this.

He was there when I was sad, he knew everything about me, he was always able to find me when I was lost, which made me smile every day, he was willing to give the best of himself to me even though he knew I didn't love him.

I looked at Sam and hugged him, I really regretted doing anything stupid to him.

“I'm sorry, I made you live in a lie I made, sorry if you have to feel pain until like this, sorry if I let you down Sam.”

I took my arms off her and wiped my tears and smiled at her.

“Starting today I won't lie to you again. And to love you, I.”

Sam stopped my words by telling me to shut up.

“I've said many times, loving you it's my business, that feeling pain it's me, I'll give everything, I sacrifice everything Rein, I'll wait for you to come to me, that's all my share. Your share only accepts everything I give you, and I believe slowly surely you will come to me and say that you love me.”

Today we finished everything. Sam and I repeated everything from the beginning. This time I have nothing to hide from him. I feel relieved that Sam said all that, he's a good man and I appreciate it this time.

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