The actor? Who's Afraid!
Home to return

"Why pack, Deck. Where are you going?"

Mas Zain, who had just entered the room, immediately asked when he saw me put some clothes in the bag.

From his voice, Mas Zain sounded so panicked.

However, my decision is already unanimous. I want to calm down in my hometown. Also missed my two little sisters.

"I want to go home, Mom!"

"When?!" His hands were placed on my hands, so my activities stopped.

"Your house is here, Dek. Where are you going?"

"To aunt Aira's house!" Briefly answer.

"Dek---" her voice was stifled.

I can only breathe as much air as possible.

My body was pulled so face to face with Zain mas who first sat on the edge of the bed. His hands were wrapped around my hips, with the head he had placed on my stomach.

"Sir, would you like to leave, me? I can explain everything. Please don't go!"

"What needs to be explained, Mom. From the beginning I guessed like that. It's just, I felt disappointed when I found out my guess was right. I shouldn't have just heard about all that."

My words made Mas Zain dare to show his face with teary eyes to me.

My heart ached more and more to see my man with such an expression. Unfortunately, my ego beats my instincts. I really want to reflect on everything myself.

"I'm sorry, Deck. I want to do whatever you want to make amends. But, please, don't leave me. My life depends on you a lot. I wouldn't be able to live without you, Dek."

I guessed a soft clear circle that broke through at the corner of his eyes with a trembling finger.

It's hard for me, too, Mom. Sick, seeing you whining at me. It hurts too, knowing why you chose me.

In my little heart I am still not sure if you have truly made peace with your past. Even though your treatment has been so good and like you are keeping my feelings.

You just want to look happy in front of your ex. That phrase kept swirling around in my mind. What our closeness has been fake. Acting as you want it first.

"It's your fault, Mommy." I pulled my hand from his face.

"Why hang life on imperfect humans, when there's a perfect one that never lets you down."

Believe me those words apply to me too.

"Daddy, I'm not kidding. Please don't leave me, please!"

O God, his wailing really ripped my heart out. Sick, seeing the person I love most beg like that.

"I'm not kidding either, Mom. Indeed, what's wrong with my words?"

"Why do you want to go, Dek?"

"Indeed, if a married woman misses her hometown?"

The originally silent face, now turned to sparkling. Thin smile he presents as a sweetener face that re-encounter red.

"You're making me worry. Why don't you talk from the beginning if you miss your hometown?"

"Mas Zain, who came straight like that!" I pursed my lips while trying to let go of his hand which turned out to be nothing.

"That's because I was too worried you'd leave me."

"Not because of Mas Zain, feeling guilty to me?"

"That's too."

"I can't pack, if Mas Zain still continues to hug me like this."

"Let me pack up, how many days are we gonna be at Aunt Aira's?"

"Mas. We're not. Just me."

"Mas Zain must take care of my mother. It should also be a good leader, who can separate professional and personal affairs. I'm just gonna go away for a second, all right."

"I won't let you go anywhere if I can't come!" he said it still with the same face as before.

I could only helplessly hug him tighter while quietly taking a deep breath.

"Maybe I'm going to be an ungodly wife for leaving the house without permission from the husband."

"Don't say that, Dek. I was just kidding. I give you permission, really. I just want to hold you for longer."

"Thank you, Mom." I pulled her hair that covered her forehead. After that, I gave it a kiss there.

Thank you for teaching me about love and pain.

I don't know how long it will take me to convince myself to go home. But, I promise, if that wish comes back, you are the only home I return to.

*****

Early in the morning, Aunt Aira and her husband had prepared everything for our return. Zain escorted to the station, because the transportation we chose was the train.

We all leave before the deadline. During that time, Mas Zain never let go of his embrace of me.

"Mas, aunt Aira and om Rahman were waiting in the carriage. How long do you want it to be like this?"

"There's ten minutes left, Dek. I still want to let go of missing my wife."

Every time I warned him, that was the answer he always listened to. Even from thirty minutes ago. It was as if he did not care how many pairs of eyes were staring with question marks, as they passed us.

"My heart feels tight, De. Like we're going to be apart for a long time!"

Hearing his words, these eyes heated up for a moment. Visibility becomes limited because it is covered in clear circles that pool in the eye pelupuk.

"Feelings, Mom, just one time."

"Maybe it's because it's the first time we're going to be apart, long enough," he said, perhaps encouraging himself.

"Don't go, Dek! I can't seem to be far away from you, even if it's an hour!"

This time, I forced myself to laugh at his words. Which tipped a kiss on my cheek.

"Mas. If Mas Zain works it, it's almost eight hours, you know, a day. That's proof that Mas Zain's words are too much."

"I must be lonely at home."

Ah, that house again. The house that brings me memories from the beginning of my husband's pursuit of love, stifling with his coldness, trying to be heartened by his past. After all this has passed, why is there any doubt in my heart.

Just because the damned five sentences 'want to look happy in front of the ex'.

"Sir."

I felt my body shake until it brought my consciousness back.

"You daydreaming?"

"Huh."

I don't know since when Zain was in front of me.

"It's five minutes left, do you want to come with Aira aunty, do you want to come home with me?"

"Mas, as long as I'm not home yet, stay at your mother's house. Greetings to mom and dad too. I'm sorry, I left when my mom was sick!"

I deliberately changed the conversation. In these last seconds I don't want to falter with my decision. I just wanted to calm my heart for a moment.

"No papa, Deck. You don't have to worry about mom, you just have fun with your sisters and come back soon."

I nodded then hugged her before entering the carriage.

Her lambaian and smile never faded along the train journey that increasingly left her behind.