Winter in Hokkaido
Chapter 13: The Lacur

I woke up with a head that was very painful and my body was wrapped in a blanket. I was drunk last night. I don't even remember how or who brought me home.

On the other side of my body, I felt unusual pain. What the hell is going on?

I tried to grab the********** that is under the mattress. I was quite surprised to see my clothes scattered. Is it possible that I didn't consciously take off all my clothes and throw them at will last night? But another thing that surprised me even more, in my underwear there were also patches of blood and other fluids that still felt a little sticky. Did I have a wet dream last night? But, this is unnatural.

I was completely helpless to remember the details of the events that had befallen me after the influence of alcohol soaked my consciousness.

While I was looking at what happened last night, I heard the sound of someone in the kitchen. Uncle? However, Uncle said it was still a week away in Seoul. Out of curiosity, I reached into the towel and wore it to cover the bottom of my body.

When I opened the room door to find the source of the sound I heard, Add was right in front of me. I'm surprised I'm not playing. Why is Add here? It seems he didn't just come.

“Come breakfast first, Ken,” take him while carrying 2 pieces of sandwich and a glass of milk in a tray. “Sorry, I just..,”

I cut his words in a snapping tone, “Since when are you here?”

“Overnight,” brightly relaxed.

Hearing his reply, I immediately boarded the apoplexy. Then he took me home. My mind was immediately on him as the perpetrator. There's no one else here. Goddamn bum!!!

“What did you do to me last night?” I grabbed the collar part of his shirt.

“Ken, what's going on? Wait a minute, why?” Add tried to fight my grip.

With one hand I pushed his body, until the tray containing the food fell scattered. “Fuck you, Add!”

“Ken, listen to my explanation first!” He tried to get closer and hold my shoulder.

“Do not touch me!”

“You were drunk last night, and I brought you home.”

I felt like I wanted to take the broken glass and plates scattered on the floor, then put them one by one on Add's body. He could enjoy my body when I was helpless. Now even put on a plain face.

“I think we can be friends. But, you turned out to be so savage!”

Bru!!! Add fell down after I punched his left cheek.

“What do you mean, Ken? Why are you suddenly angry with me?”

I may not be able to say I'm straight yet. However, that does not mean I accept someone to fuck me just like that.

“Now you are gone. Never again appear in front of me!” threaten me while showing my index finger to her face as an affirmation. My anger exploded instantly.

“Tu..wait, Ken. Listen to my explanation! Aaa...I will be responsible with all this.”

What did he say, he would be responsible? She thinks I like her. All this time I appreciated him as a hotel guest and just a friend. The last few days I felt like he liked me, but I didn't think he would be so depraved.

Not wanting to get things out of control, I dragged him out. He just survived without trying to fight back. Although not good at fighting, but I am ready if he invites me to something like that. His words have ignited my anger.

I was almost in a fit of disrespect. Seeing that he didn't fight, I wanted to give him a few more punches, even kicks, and then strangle him to death. But I realized it could destroy my life even more. If I do, I will be in prison with a lifetime of guilt. What I am fighting for is my honor.

“If you still show your presence near me, I will never forgive you again.”

Add begged me to hear his explanation. Don't hope! For the savagery he's done to me, he should be lucky I didn't blindly beat him up.

I've already kicked Add out. However, he was still banging on the door I had locked tightly. If he's still trying to get in. I'll be the one to go.

In my room, I couldn't help but cry. While my head still feels very dizzy. It was the first time I drank more than half a liter of beer in a single session. Of course the effect is still too strong spread in the stomach to the head.

Looking at Mayumi who was about to spend 12 beers alone last night, I couldn't stand by. He even said it was a way to let go of the problem. It didn't cross my mind that Mayumi was that disappointed in me.

My question is, why can I go home with Add? It's still a mystery I can't remember.

My room is so messy. Just like my mind. I should wash my face first to make it fresh. Somehow a way to be able to calm down on the nestapa I just got.

On the sofa in the room, I saw Add's belongings, which were his shirt, cell phone, and wallet. Ah, I don't want to see her again.

I heard he was still in front of the house. Perhaps he was also still waiting for this stuff.

When I opened the door, Add walked out of the house. Damn it, I don't want to say his name. I tried to clear my mind for a moment to control my emotions.

“Wait!!” I had to call him.

I didn't expect to get an aggressive response. He turned around, then ran towards me.

“I know you're just getting carried away by emotions. You were drunk last night, and said cold. Then, I just tried to warm up by hugging her. Aaa...me....”.

“Enough!” I don't want to hear any explanation from him. “I just want to return your stuff. Please go back, and remember, never try to see me again!”

“Ken...”.

He tried to hug me. Fortunately, I expected his movements so I could close the door first. Ah, my head is getting sick. No one can know this.

Tears continued to flow unstoppably given such an ill-fated fate. It was never imagined that I would lose my honor in such a helpless condition. There is clearly a deep feeling of regret. Supposedly, last night, I didn't indulge in emotions by drinking too much beer. In fact, I should have prevented Mayumi from drinking too much beer by taking her home or moving to a place that would have calmed her down. I'm not the one who's hooked. It wouldn't have happened if I could have thought grown up.

I'm no longer a teenager. Nor is someone who just changed the status with an adult. I'm mature enough, but I can't take care of myself. Someone easily harassed me. It's fitting that Dave says I should be able to behave my way.

Goddammit! The calm I seek is disastrous. My life has become unguided. All because of Add, Dave's fault. But should all my mistakes be pointed at them? While my life became like this, because I myself was not good at adapting to my age.

I kept trying to catch my breath. Every now and then I screamed with all my might, taking away all the feelings of failure in life. There is also a curse on fate. Do I look like I'm gay in the eyes? No, I'm not gay.

A moment came to my mind that if Dave was the one who fucked me last night, I might not be this angry. I always felt comfortable in his arms. I once thought about kissing her. Ah, am I crazy?

On the other hand, before the age of 30, I wish I could have married. Of course with a woman. Then, having children, living a normal and happy life. Build a family consisting of father, mother, and child.

I threw the gift watch from Dave against the wall with all my might until it shattered formless. I was upset, disappointed, and angry with myself. I can't identify all the feelings I'm suffering.

In the silence, I lay my body on the bed. I tried to close my eyes and clear my mind. I forced myself to fall asleep. It's a way to get rid of those emotions. If all is spilled, it will cause a lot of regret.

***

I managed to ease my emotions. From the difficult to fall asleep, I actually slept for a whole day. Although I have not fully recovered, I feel better.

From the window of the room, the sky was dark. My stomach feels hungry. Understandably, from morning until night, I only swallowed anger and resentment.

Ants filled the floor, eating the food spill this morning. Unfortunately, I'm not trying to clean up all the mess in my room. Maybe after filling my stomach I will have a spirit. Thankfully, Uncle was not. But it was precisely if there was an Uncle, none of this would happen. Welding always coexists with suppositions.

Only Ramen Cups are available in the kitchen. Yes, at least better than no food at all. I saw the clock on the wall showing 8pm in less than 13 minutes. I was thinking of eating out. But the intention was I undo, because the feet do not want to step outside the house.

I'm trying to think nothing happened. As if everything was okay. Then I thought about calling Auntie. Definitely not to tell me about last night. I want to hear his chatter. I'm on a lot of topics to shut my mind off this misfortune.

After the stomach filled with ramen, I searched my phone. However, I didn't find it in my pants pocket last night. On the bed, on the room table, in the living room there is nothing. Stayed in a restaurant? Finally, I had to force myself to go out looking for my phone. The problem is, the phone was given by Uncle. If it's gone, I could have bought it with the same brand and type. But I still feel guilty, for not being able to keep the gift.

Just by washing my face, using jogger pants, a tee shirt, and a jacket, I prepared to go to the restaurant where I was sprawled last night. There was no other possibility, other than that my phone was left in that place. Last time I put my phone next to beer.

I had to walk a few meters to a big road to find a taxi, because Uncle's car was at Mayumi's house. I'll be there tomorrow morning to pick it up. Actually I'm not happy to let the car be repaired by Mayumi's father. I felt embarrassed, because I was negligent in checking the condition of the car before leaving.

“Mmm...May..” my sap with heart racing in shock.

“Where are you going, Ken?” His face looked sad when he asked.

The way Mayumi stood up seemed like she had been at the door for a long time. It was visible from his legs that rotated little by little in turn to divide the feeling of fatigue resting.

“A.. I'm not going anywhere. Come log in!”

I had to lie and delay my departure. Mayumi who came with a sad face must have something to do with me. I don't know what I did to him? I'm really hard to remember last night's sequence of events after I got drunk.

Unexpectedly, Mayumi refused my invitation to sit inside the house.

“I just want to return this.” He pulled out his suit and cell phone from inside his bag. Yeah, that's mine.

“Ooh, I guess left at the restaurant.”

The atmosphere became silent as I received my suit and cell phone from Mayumi. I don't know what else to say. One thing that still holds up, how can I go home with Add? Is it possible that Mayumi called Add, unable to carry my body. However, Mayumi looks not so friendly with Add. So, it seems impossible that Add came at Mayumi's invitation.

“Oh yes, I'm sorry Ken if all this time still misrepresents your concern.” He spoke after about 5 minutes of silence. Eyes crackling. I'm getting confused.

I also really don't understand the meaning of his statement. “May, can you tell me what happened last night? I really don't remember what happened after I got drunk. If I've made a mistake that hurt you, I'm sorry.”

Mayumi was silent again. I impeached. Maybe he needs time to tell a story. May I have some enlightenment about last night's events.

Suddenly the house phone rings. “May, we chat while sitting down. I'll pick up the phone first.”

He nodded, then sat down where I pointed. To be honest, my head seemed like it was about to break due to harboring too many emotions.

“Ken, your phone why is it dead all day? Are you dead too? Asked the hotel person he said all day you did not go there. Many times phone to home number, newly appointed now.” The voice on the other end of the phone immediately scolded as I stuck the phone handle to the ear.

“Sorry Aunty, Ken's been asleep all day.”

“Do you hurt?”

“No.”

“You know we're very worried?”

“Ken is fine, Bibi.”

“Do not lie! Neighbors there called Uncle Yamada. He told me last night that you were taking a taxi to get someone drunk. Then...”

“Iya, but Ken is not..”.

“Ken. Auntie didn't ask you to cut Auntie's.” I also fell silent because I heard Aunt's voice getting louder. “So early this morning there was also a noise and he said you were screaming. But when the neighbor knocked on the door, there was no answer. We are very worried that something will happen. Good thing Uncle called your girlfriend named Mayumi. Mayumi was able to convince Uncle that your condition is fine. Previously, this afternoon Aunty and Keigo will fly there.”

“Keigo is home, Bi?” I tried to dampen Aunt's emotions by asking my niece.

“Iya. So what was it last night? Does Aunt need to be there today?”

“Auntie, Ken already said nothing. So Auntie doesn't need to come here. Later Ken who to Tokyo before new year's night.”

“Good. It's up to you, Ken. Don't worry us again!”

“Iya, Aunt.”

“Don't forget to directly phone Pamammu too!”

“Iya.”

After chatting on the phone with Aunt Mayumi looked down. This is unusual. What the hell is going on? I hope I don't do anything that hurts her anymore.

“May, what's the matter exactly? From earlier I noticed you were silent.”

He shook his head, giving a signal of nothing. But it just means something has happened. Something that made him moody and cold like this.

I tried to hold back the sick head. I actually wanted to be alone first, but there was no way I could send Mayumi home. I asked him to sit in the house.

“Ken...” He raised his head.

“Iya...”.

“I'm sorry for last night's incident. I didn't mean to make you..” Words ceased.

“To be honest I still have a hard time remembering the incident after I was drunk until I woke up this morning. I like losing consciousness,” explained me while slightly massaging my forehead.

“I also apologize if I don't know myself. I still misinterpret your attention. Assume there will be a priesthood that makes you like me. To this day, that hope remains. But after this, I promise I will try to throw away little by little the pieces of hope,” he said while looking rubbed the cheek.

I don't understand what he's saying yet. What exactly does he want to say? If it's about that, it's not clear that I really like it, but as a friend.

After a pause, Mayumi continued her speech, “But why you should be with..”.

What made Mayumi so heavy about continuing her words? From that moment on, his attitude was like enduring pain. Not a pain in the body, but a pain in the heart that feels very heartbreaking. He also said why should I be with, with whom?

What does he mean by add? Does he know what happened last night? The incident when Add harassed my trust as a friend by robbing me of my honor. It was like being in a labyrinth. Solving puzzles whose answers are in front of me, but hard to find.

I recall. Last night, upon arriving at the restaurant Add repeatedly contacted. Ignored him. However, he instead continued to send messages asking for my whereabouts. I decided to tell her I was having dinner at a restaurant with Mayumi. The goal is not to keep my phone vibrating. After that, he didn't call me anymore.

Apparently the disaster started from my whereabouts information that I sent to Add. Also my carelessness to drink alcohol. Destiny? I don't want to call it that. This is a very valuable lesson for me. Or maybe it's karma? Karma because I still expect closeness with Dave, even though he has a family. But, I have no intention of seizing or damaging his household.

“Sorry. Ken. Looks like your car is up ahead. I want to go home too.” Mayumi stood up and walked quickly to the outside of the house.

Yes, there is the sound of a car parked in the yard.

“Ken, here's the car key.”

“Thank you, May! How much will it cost?”

“Papa says no need.”

My head was like it was pierced by hundreds of needles. So hurt. It hurts more than when I woke up this morning. I tried to put both hands on my head to keep it from breaking.

“Ken, are you okay?”

I can only nod.

“I'm home yes. You just rest. Again, I'm sorry. I also promise I won't tell anyone.”

Mayumi's home. I lay my body on the sofa. It felt like walking into the room was so heavy.

I tried to close my eyes, hoping to go back to sleep to at least ease the pain in this head. However, it was in the dark that Mayumi said before returning home. Won't tell anyone, about what? I drank alcohol until I was drunk? That's not something that needs to be covered up.

Uh! I want to scream as loud as possible. But if later heard again by neighbors, it will be a new problem. My tears are flowing back. A conclusion also piqued. So, Mayumi knew what Add did to me, and she thought we had a relationship. I feel so despicable.