Winter in Hokkaido
Chapter 14 Part 1: If only

I was thinking of leaving Japan. I feel I have no more honor. But where am I going? To Indonesia? If I go home, can I refrain from telling Dave about the events I've been through. Hah, I can't go aimlessly.

On the other hand, Mayumi seems to know Add's perverted deeds to me. That's what might have led to his opinion if Add and I were having a relationship. Should I explain if what happened was not what he thought? What if it makes him misunderstand? He could have thought of my explanation as an affirmation I asked for his understanding. Ah, my brain is really like it stopped working.

Regretful, wishful, hoping to go back in time to prevent the incident, everything just makes me like crazy. I curse my stupidity, I shouldn't drink beer until I'm drunk. But if Mayumi hadn't lured me into doing that, this wouldn't have happened. Is this Mayumi's fault? Huh!!!

This is because Add turned out to be depraved. Not to help me, but instead to take advantage of the opportunity to vent his lust. Is this wrong Add? But if I'm not stupid, this is all I should be able to prevent. Aaaaaaakkkkh, why in the head is it a curse for myself?!

The cold of Hokkaido is unable to cool my head, instead it freezes my motor sensors. These few days, I don't know what to do. If I could just call Dave and share this poignant story, my brain might feel lighter. Unfortunately, the situation is not in favor of being able to confide in him again. I have to respect his decision. I also have to fulfill the requests he made so many times. I can't call him anymore. How sad! How should I address this longing, and to whom do I tell this misery?

To be honest, I hope to find a detailed story from Mayumi. However, he showed me great disappointment. In fact, he hasn't been trying to contact me again lately.

Is this a punishment because I'm trying to fight the truth if I'm actually gay? No, I'm not gay. The proof is that I hate Add so much. I even asked him to go to another hotel. I don't want to see him anymore.

But if that did Dave, would I hate him? Again and again. That expression did not stop attacking my mind. I should be able to get out of the vicious circle in my own sexual orientation.

I'm not sick. I was just stuck in a tight space of friendship. I just haven't found my normal life.

My mind stuck in the phrase normal life. Every thing in this world is created in pairs. There's a right, there's a left. There's a top, there's a bottom. There are women to be a male partner. Blank memories!

Right now, I should be able to control my thoughts first, then gradually stir up the passion of life again. My mind cannot be dead-end. Logic must continue to work. All will pass, although the process will be very heavy.

I took the car keys and the cell phone. Whether to go where, at least get out of this house will make my mind wider. After all, the world is vast. My mind should be as broad as the horizon I can see.

As I went to the room to pick up my jacket, I heard the sound of the door being knocked several times. Did Uncle come home sooner? But this is his house, he does not need to knock on the door repeatedly. Add? I knew there was some commotion when I asked the hotel staff to move Add to another hotel. He did not accept, because he had paid for the rent for the room until the next few weeks. I also requested that the staff give a refund of the unused Add room money doubled. I'll replace it with my savings. However, I also asked the staff not to tell Uncle.

Eventually Add left, but without taking any of the rest of the money and did not want to be moved to another hotel. If in front of the house was Add who still had not given up on seeing me, I already said I would not forgive him anymore. I can no longer guarantee that I will be able to hold back my emotions if he is behind that door.

Furious, I hurried to open the door. I was ready with a raw bogem to greet him. Yesterday, he was still lucky because I blamed myself for what he did. Now, my anger is on the edge.

“Surpriseee!”

The two people in front of me greeted me cheerfully. A mother and her child. Both of them I know very well. I almost threw a punch at the wrong person.

“Aibi... Keigo?”

“Iya. Why do you look unhappy we're here?”

“Emm. It's not so, Bi. He said Auntie didn't come here. Ken really felt surprised?”

“Your uncle asked Aunt here. He's been worried about you since yesterday. In addition, Bibi is also not sure you are going to Tokyo.”

“But Ken is fine, Bi. Then why didn't Aunt tell you to come here? Ken can pick up at the airport. ”

Aunt watched the whole house. His eyes looked at the condition of every corner of the room.

“Em, Ken is…. Um…. Of late…. Actually Ken is going to clean up the house really, Bi.”

Ah, it's like an impromptu investigation. I haven't even cleared my room of food and glass spills during the commotion with Add. I just covered with a washcloth.

On the living room sofa lined my dirty clothes, blankets, and sleeping pillows. I was just planning to clean up the house this afternoon after breathing some air outside.

“Aibi and Keigo just sit down first. You must be tired. Ken while cleaning up first. Sorry!” I tried to close the door to my room.

But Keigo went into my room. “Uncle Ken, what is this? Is there a war in your room? Mom, look at this!”

Come on, I'll be scolded by Auntie. If Bibi complains to Uncle, then I will also be scolded by him. Not a single bit crossed my mind would there be an impromptu investigation like this.

“Ken, why are there so many broken glass in your room? It also smells of bad food. What happened exactly?”

“Emmm I can't possibly explain the real events.

“This is what you said you were okay. Aunt knows you very well. Since when did you become friends with the chaos inside the house?”

“Mmmm..sorry, Aunt. Ken get it done!”

“Ken, Aunt is asking not telling you.”

What excuse did I use to quell Aunt's anger. Also so that he believed nothing had happened since Uncle left.

“Kei..Keigo how is your school?” I'm trying to shift the conversation.

“Uncle, answer my Mom’s questions first!”

Keigo could not be compromised. While her mother kept looking at me.

“Do you have a girlfriend?” I'm still trying to get Keigo to talk.

“Do you have a boyfriend, Ken?” Keigo's mother answered with a question back to me. Keigo looked satisfied laughing.

“Keigo, let’s go to the department store after this. I’ll buy you a new shoes!”

“Just clean up this home! Haha...”.

The boy is growing up a teenager. He was starting to make fun of me. His height was also only about 10 cm with me.

I went straight to the warehouse to pick up mop equipment and trash bags. This is the last way to escape Aunt's question, because I have no idea or reason to be free from other questions (continued).