Winter in Hokkaido
Chapter 19: Repetition

I've been struggling to forget Dave, but he's reinforcing me in my memory. Again and again, when I was almost perfectly erasing the past with her. He was present, sculpting his name back in my mind. Even realizing my delusion towards him that I had been keeping secret.

Last night's events kept on blaring in my memory. Dave suddenly ambushed my lips lustfully. I refused to make sure it wasn't anger. I hope he does, because it does have the same taste as me.

After our passions collide, Dave apologizes. It is hard to guess what that meant. Apologizing for not perfectly satisfying me, or for losing control. I'm afraid the meaning of his lust last night is just a sign of gratitude and farewell. Dave already has a wife and will soon be a father. The opportunity to be together like before, is now clear, like a pinhole.

Bitter and sweet make love bitter after. Dave gave hope only to let it expand. It was so stifling my mind. Started over from the beginning to forget. In fact, this time it will be much more difficult because he left a trace on my body.

When I drove him home last night, no conversation warmed up. We froze in the snow. I noticed, Dave was sorry. His face was down during the trip. I wanted to ask, but was afraid to find an answer that tore my asia.

I was surprised, Dave said he wanted to be friends with me like before. Does that mean he wants me back in Indonesia? However, he did not explain in that direction.

Ah, nevermind! I also no longer want my presence to be considered a nuisance by his wife. From the beginning, my determination has been unanimous, will no longer settle in Indonesia.

Now, Dave, he's making me dizzy half to death thinking about his attitude. If only I could see the contents of his mind, it probably wouldn't be this heavy. Should I ask her her meaning last night that suddenly started to fuck me?

I tried to reach Dave by his room phone. All of you making sure he's ready for me to drive around the city.

“Again, Dave.”

“August, Ken .” He recognized my call.

“What time do you want to go?”

“Emmm... I go alone, Ken.” It was as if he was trying to avoid me.

“Ya, already. What time do you go to the airport, Dave?”

“My flight was afternoon,” the answer was like less sure.

“Alright, then I'll be there after lunch.”

Dave did not respond. He turned off the phone. I still want to ask questions last night. Could it be that the form of the answer he did not seriously squeeze my lips with feeling. Just because I was pushed by my words, and he did it by force. I hate being confronted with riddles.

If I force my emotions, I want to go to him. Directly asking the real intent that has tempted my passion. However, it would only make me look more and more trash in his eyes. Keep begging to always be with him, insisting I can never move on from him. I've known you for years, but why are you so cunning toying with my feelings. My anger in my heart.

Maybe it was my fault too. However, I never tried to make friendship a mask to hide my desires. I never thought I'd love her this deep. The feeling was just like that when I entered the 5th semester of college, not from the beginning of friendship when I was in High School.

I try to resist if I love men, because there is no other man I like besides Dave. There was no better comfort than when I was with him. Even with my own family, I don't feel it.

Naas, I never knew how Dave really felt about me. We lived together in a matter of years. Sometimes I feel like he has the same feelings as me. He always put me first from his other friends. I feel like I'm part of his life's top priority. But the truth is now, Dave has tethered his love to others.

When some friends said we had a relationship, and they tried to mock us as a compatible couple, Dave ignored it. He was trying to convince me not to be hurt by making friends. In fact, the real me was afraid that he would stay away from me because he was mocked.

Starting from the worry, I kept my distance. Go and go home to college by yourself. However, Dave said my attitude was strange. He also told me not to do it again. She was afraid I would leave her. From there we promised to be together forever, make friendship until anytime.

The next thing that happened, when we were in college at the final stage of completing the thesis, I accidentally read a message on Dave's phone. The message is love. Phrases like lovebirds who are drunk with romance, what are they, who, where, I love you, honey, and so on. Inner me depressed. Trying to accept the fact that it seems like my togetherness with him is only limited to the education bench.

I've been expecting Dave to be in a relationship with a girl who's none other than our classmates, too. At least, some friends have confirmed it to me. I'm disappointed, Dave never told me. It's his privacy, but we have promised to be open to each other.

I made sure of Dave a few times by asking informally, through jokes. However, Dave always denied. He said he was not close to any woman let alone in a relationship. He was angry when I always asked. He said, I accused him of being a liar.

Facts also cropped up. All of our classmates and almost one major knew Dave was dating our classmates. The news was a concern, as he was quite popular on campus. He is active in the Student Association of the Department as vice chairman. Very contrasted with me, who was only a butterfly student (lecture-back).

Angry, disappointed, upset, I sniffed all that with deepening feelings for him. There was also sadness when Dave kept on blessing me.

Not wanting to end a friendship with a problem, I decided I would no longer examine the relationship. I'm trying to be sick. No more calling Dave, asking him where he was, asking him to come to the apartment, or even taking him out to eat. I live my life as usual.

I find it hard to adapt to other friends, especially the ones I just met. Classmates from High School to college have memorized my career. Therefore, they also rarely invite me to hangout.

But Dave, just then, was angry because I didn't care about him anymore. I responded to his anger by saying that I might not be important to him anymore. He also did not try to explain to me after the dating rumors were heard by all college friends.

I'm aware of my position. I have no right to give him any choice. If he doesn't care about me anymore, it doesn't matter. At that time, I was preparing for my farewell.

After I was apathetic, supposedly, Dave cut off his girlfriend. At that moment, I tried to be indifferent. Including when he tried to strengthen my friendship with me.

He showed me more attention. She used to show up early in the morning at my apartment and make breakfast. He also keeps making me laugh with his jokes or his ridiculousness. He filled my days with more joy.

Considering that my feelings for Dave may not be what they felt for me, I decided to return to Bali after graduation. I don't want to set a trap for my own feelings. My mother was also sick at the time. My father also asked me to help with his business. As my only child, I was obligated to help and care for my parents.

It's not easy to get used to without Dave, but it's better to vent feelings to him little by little before it gets sicker. I also try to improve myself. I don't want Dave to know I love him more than a friend. I don't want him to hate me. It is better to stay away than to be sorry for being honest about these feelings.

In the end, moving away from Dave even more coagulated the longing to the mountains. At that time, I wished he would have asked me to meet. After a long wait, she expressed the desire to meet at her wedding. My heart is so broken. Then, I tried to keep myself busy so I could forget it.

It happened exactly as it is today. When I was almost perfect not expecting her love, she instead pinned hope. He told me about his longing for me. The sturdy fort built is able to be penetrated in one battle.

Remembering the past is exhausting. I'm getting sleepy. I was going to drive Dave out looking for souvenirs this morning, but he wanted to go alone. Better time I use it to make up for my lack of sleep last night.

I don't feel like I slept long enough. I saw the clock on the phone showing at 13:10. I washed my face and changed my clothes.

My stomach is ringing because I am hungry. Seeing that there was still enough time to drive Dave, I decided to have lunch first. However, at home there is only a Ramen cup. Without a second thought, I decided to just eat that. There was plenty of food in the hotel, but my stomach couldn't wait.

Arriving at the hotel, I headed straight for Dave's room.

“Dave, I wait in the car ya!” my steam after knocking on her room door many times.

I don't want to get carried away. Let last night be a mystery that may not continue to haunt my mind. Dave also acted as if he was sorry and wanted me not to take the incident too seriously. When he says he wants to be as friendly as he used to be, it might just be a small talk.

If Dave really wanted to improve and repeat the friendship with me, he should have tried to contact me or see me after that. The moment he told me so firmly that I would forget him.

The two-month gap between the event and my departure to Japan was enough time for her to provide an explanation. However, he preferred to uncover it in this accidental encounter.

I don't know! My focus is now on taking him to the airport. After that, consider all this a dream.

When he was about to get to the car, Uncle suddenly confronted me.

“Ken, later tonight don't forget! Mayumi's parents invited us to dinner”, said Uncle made my heart work out.

“Iya, Uncle. Mayumi had also informed Ken about it. Now Ken took Dave to the airport first ya.”

Uncle was also annoying. I saw behind Uncle, Dave was standing with his suitcase. Hah, these two people why it's so nice to show up suddenly and surprise me.

“Nothing left?” ask me to start a chat after we get in the car.

“There,” answered while glancing at me.

“Oh yes already, just take it first. I wait here.”

Dave is not moving. He just looked at me. A sense of thumping and fear mixed in my feelings.

“Let me buy it at the airport.”

Huh! So, it means by-by?! Why should I look at me? Dave made me wish. Without asking any more questions, I immediately stepped on the gas pedal.

The atmosphere was quiet until we arrived at the airport. I was already irritated, as I felt being played with by her gaze before leaving. He made me dream. I became inconsistent like this.

When he got out of the car, Dave finally opened his voice.

“Thank you so much for delivering me, Friend.”

He said that phrase with a smile. However, the word “sahabat” immediately strengthened into my mind. Yeah, we're just best friends. No more than that. In fact, I feel calmer if he does not slip the word for affirmation. I already know my position.

Huh! This feeling broke again, but I tried to cover it up. I wanted to punch him in the chest so he knew my heart was hurting. Hope he makes again and again.

“Oh yes, about last night's incident, I beg you.”.

I'll interrupt immediately. I can understand what he's going to say. I don't want to hear him complete his sentence.

“Don't worry, Dave! About last night's incident, I've also assumed it never happened. I will not misunderstand,” said I try hard.

Dave seemed to want to make another statement. Not wanting to hear any consolation from her, I turned around and walked away.

I went straight back into the car. Fucking dave! He appeared only to make me repeat this pain, and forced me to fight back to forget it.

For a few minutes, I waited for him to call me. However, by the time I saw him he was already walking towards the check-in counter. My mind became confused. I got out of the car, and walked quickly to catch up with him.

After being right behind her, I called out to her slowly. “Dave...” Then spontaneously, while holding back tears, I pushed his body. He almost fell. But I turned around, and went back to the car.

I didn't step on the gas right away. I shed a few tears that I held back from earlier.

Turns out Dave was following me. He kept knocking on the windshield, but I tried to ignore him. Realizing this incident could have provoked a crowd, I got out of the car.

Dave rushed to me. Then, he hugged me.

“If you have something to say, just say it. Please! I don't like to see your attitude like this,” he said slowly while tightening his arms.

What else is this? I really want to return her embrace. But only tears can be shed. I hate that he left after lighting a fire that burned me so hard to put it out.

“Ken, I never once meant to play me. So far you have helped me a lot, from studying, to finding a job. I can't be shunned by my own best friend like this.”

A pal? He reaffirmed the status so, he had indeed limited this relationship only to that.

Then, it was clear the meaning of his passion last night was not based on feelings like I felt for him. Wearing it! He was just trying to comfort me in return for debt.  No need, Dave. I never gave kindness.

I let go of her hands that tied my body slowly. “Safe flight, Dave!” lirihku followed the step back into the car. I can't believe Dave pulled my hand.

“You think I'm a friend, and I don't want that. I know, I shouldn't want more friendship than you. You have been very good to me all this time. I also realized, maybe now I look disgusting in your eyes. But that doesn't mean I'm not trying to live a normal life. After all, this feeling is just me feeling you. Maybe because I'm too comfortable with you. I know it's clearly my fault. You never played me. I misinterpreted all these flavors.” I was tempted to get my emotions out.

“Iya, I know that. I already know about that, Ken. But I beg you not...”.

Don'tdon't? Don't what? Don't expect the same response to my feelings? I also don't want him to complete the sentence, so I just cut his words.

“Yes, yes, I promise. I won't misinterpret your attitude again, I won't...” Take a deep breath before continuing the words. “We're just friends. Only friendly. But sorry, I can't be your best friend anymore. I'm not good for you. Hope we don't see each other again, Dave!”

This conversation was like sowing salt water on a wound. I quickly got back in the car. Dave's not holding me back. He stared without speaking.

To be honest, I still want to be with him. I still want to feel her embrace again. Merely, the longer he stared at her, the greater the charge of hope I bore.

Once in Indonesia, Dave will be immediately welcomed by his wife. While here, he left a trail that he might never keep going.