Winter in Hokkaido
Chapter 2: Fear
I don't know what my husband has to do with Ken outside of “sahabat”. When my husband introduced Ken, I felt another taste in him. Every time the three of us met, he always tried to attract my husband's attention. I know they're friends. However, didn't he realize that his best friend already had a wife?!
At first, I tried to be normal when my husband often asked for permission to drive Ken. But because of the frequency, I became very curious about what they were doing. When asked, my husband said only playing futsal, watching a football game, or just eating while chatting. He said if I come, I'll be bored. I also follow and keep the curiosity.
Until one day, because too often they move outside, I asked my husband to spend time at home. If you just watch a football game or chat, at home you can. No need to go to Ken's place or find a place outside that makes me even more suspicious.
Every now and then before going to bed at night, I tried to pry about my husband's closeness to Ken. My husband's answer is always the same. According to him, the friendship he and Ken had been this close. Imbuhnya, I was too jealous of his best friend.
Honestly, I'm scared. I don't want a legitimate man to be my husband taken by someone else. Especially if the person trying to take it is a man. Always, every time I see Ken with my husband, he seems to want to compete with me. Awkward!
My husband is concerned with my request. Ken often comes home. They often spend time from night to morning just watching a football game or just chatting. I tried to warn her, but my husband just nodded. The next morning he had to work. I also worry about my husband's health if I stay up late. Ken is not aware of this.
Then, several times I caught Ken leaning his head against my husband's shoulder when they were just two. I tried to approach, but I saw Ken as if he did not understand or was pretending to be blind reading a code. I'm getting pissed. My husband seemed used to it. Why would he let a man lean his head on his shoulder? Is that not a strange thing? Even if they are friendly, it is too friendly to be considered a friendship.
Finally, I asked Ken to keep his attitude. I told him to appreciate my feelings a little. Instead, he pretended not to understand what I meant. I say it out loud if I don't like him resting his head on my husband's shoulder, let alone holding him. What'd he say? He just normalizes that it is a usual behavior that they do a long time ago. He also said that my husband was not uncomfortable, why I was uncomfortable. Crazy one! He could have replied to me like that. I don't like him much more. He's so selfish. Why does my husband allow this too?! Ah, negative thoughts always pop up when you see them together.
I tried to find evidence of my suspicions by checking the conversation on my husband's phone. Sure enough, there was a long conversation between my husband and Ken. I read it carefully. A chat on WhatsApp that I think is not uncommon if they are only friendly, especially both men.
In essence, all the chats Ken sent out were more promises to keep my husband from leaving. Promise to always be together. What would it be like if two men made a close friendship? Why does my husband always answer “iya”?! If my fears are true, they are outrageous.
I understand opening a conversation on someone else's phone, even if it's my own husband, is an act of privacy violation. However, I cannot ask permission to conduct such an investigation.
Hem, reading my husband and Ken's conversation is like reading a romance novel, but I'm sick of accepting that this isn't fiction. Apparently, all this time, Ken always asked my husband to meet him first. Even listed clearly he always sends a message, “I'm already in the usual place”. There was no evidence of their meeting place that I obtained. But it was obviously in a cafe or restaurant. Kentara from the photo of the food menu that Ken also sent with the caption, “I'm hungry, hurry here!”.
I retraced their conversation until my thumbs scroll up and down to convince the ones I read. A conversation that almost made me slam my husband's phone. Plus Ken always ends the conversation with the word "Love you". That's so gross!
Last night, as I was about to go to sleep I asked my husband directly about the frequency of his meetings with Ken, how often they met. I can't bear to not reveal my discovery without mentioning the source. At first he tried to cover up, but I understand he's not good at acting.
He admitted spending a lot of time with Ken this week. However, he gave up just to comfort Ken who was sad. Whatever the reason, lies are lies. It hurt so much to me. I had to tear up, because I had a fight with my husband because of someone else.
My husband always said his friendship with Ken was normal. But, what is a reasonableness of the word love appearing in the friendship between two men explicitly? No, I believe my husband is straight. Which means I have to firmly remind Ken not to try to get close to my husband again. Although they were friendly, but that was before. That man should understand that his best friend now has a wife and a new life.
I should be more daring to give Ken a warning. The shameless man did not seem to be well informed. I will not let my fears come true.
***
I decided to meet Ken at his apartment in person. If I called him on the phone, he could have avoided it. Fortunately my husband never passworded his smartphone so when he slept I could track Ken's address from messages on his WhatsApp.
Ken looked surprised to find me behind the door of his apartment. I heard he called my husband's name when he opened the door. So, it's true my husband used to meet Ken here. You guys, smart to keep lies. Then, cover it up by showing a sinless face. Pretending not to be able to act turns out to be acting too. Nah! It's all Ken's fault.
“Oh, Fay. Please enter! Alone?” There was a change in expression that was clearly visible when he found the guest who had come was not the one he had expected.
“Thanks!” I knew Ken would let me in just a little chat, because I was already at his doorstep. He had no choice to escape.
“What's up, Fay? How come you suddenly came here? Your husband sent you here?”
What kind of man is this Ken. Naively. Act plain. “It's working hours. My husband is at work, and I came here of my own volition.” I can't make small talk. Just looking at his face was already half-deadly restraining his emotions.
“OK. What can I help you with?” asked Ken while trying to make his seat.
“To the point, my husband has been coming here a lot lately?”
“No.” He answered without moving his gaze towards me. Exactly, he's lying.
“I think you are already at home in Bali and have forgotten my husband?” I couldn't help but give him satirical questions. I want to slam everything in front of me right now. What an irony.
“What do you mean by that question?” His tone began to rise and began to dare to look at me.
“Lately you and my husband have been spending time together, right?” I don't want to lose producing tones with him.
“Why don't you just ask your husband?” His intonation pisses me off. “Sorry, I have other needs. I have to go.” immediately
Ken is a bitch. He was trying to kick me out on such a classic excuse. Alright, as a good guest I must understand the inconvenience of the host. But the way he avoided me was precisely the affirmation of the meeting between him and my husband often happens again.
“Good. Sorry if I interrupted your time. After all, my purpose here is not to meet you. I just wanted to remind you to understand that your best friend is married.” I can't hold back my words.
***
“What are you doing to Ken's apartment?” My husband's tone sounded cynical. It was morning and I was preparing breakfast.
Oho! Ken complained to my husband that I went to his apartment yesterday. He was good at taking the moment so that my household became tenuous.
“Ken told you? Hopefully he doesn't exaggerate his story.”
“I'm asking you never to Ken's apartment or try to see him again. I've told you everything, many times. Is that not enough too?” Husband's angry. He didn't even want to ask about me first. He was more defending that selfless man. Until the breakfast I prepared was just stared at.
Everything I serve is his favorite. A glass of plain white milk, a sandwich with doublecheese filling, there is also chocolate pudding with fruit toppings. Instead, he sliced my heart and sowed it with salt. I wanted to scream, but it was still morning.
“Mas..” With teary eyes I tried to chase after her. Why is he suddenly angry? It's not like he usually is. When we were fighting, in a state of anger he usually still tried to calm me down, like that night.
“I'm leaving," he said with a hostile face. There was no kiss on my forehead as routine as he was working. He seemed to be left behind by the sunlight.
Ken!!! There must be a story that she's been telling my husband. I became dispirited to do the task of being a housewife in the morning. Should he just have to meet Ken to hold him accountable for this situation he has created?! But he must have complained to my husband again. It could be additional ammunition for him to snatch my life companion.
A friend should support his best friend, not even make a mess in his best friend's household. Everything's getting clearer. I will not allow my husband to deviate from a man who uses friendship to cover his orientation. It will never!
***
Instantly came up with the idea of clarifying Ken's position in my relationship with my husband. This weekend I wanted to take my husband out to eat with Ken, but it turned out that my husband was looking to enjoy some time at home. He said, it has long not felt the pleasure of relaxing at home all day.
My husband was suspicious when I asked Ken to eat together this Saturday. I explained that there was nothing to do, other than to get to know Ken and prove their friendship only to the extent of a brother. My husband finally agreed and asked no more questions. He just said maybe I could accept Ken and was trying to have a good relationship with his best friend.
I don't have the slightest malicious intent against Ken. Again, I just want him to realize his best friend already has a wife and a new life. That'sthat's all. By sitting together between me, my husband, and him, I hope to uncover all the lies that friendship covers.
My husband has many friends. He easily socializes with others. But there was no one like Ken, who kept meeting my husband and eating away at our togetherness. It is only natural that I am really suspicious of him?!
***
After waiting for about half an hour, Ken also came. I let him in and sat like a guest. I'm not pretending to be nice to him. I was just trying to create a conducive atmosphere so that our conversation would be more directed.
Seeing Ken coming, my husband seemed enthusiastic. While I have to endure the annoyance for a moment. Ken is not indifferent to my existence. He kept asking my husband questions, from news to work.
After lunch, I tried to prepare the timing and the right position to start opening a conversation about the relationship of this triangle. I saw Ken and my husband actually seem to be busy smoking cigarettes on the porch of the house.
Hearing their chatter stop, I immediately walked over and sat down in front of them. Ken looks so shocked.
“Mas, we can chat three, right?” tanyaku as an introductory formality only.
“Yes, just have a chat" replied my husband. "Yes right, Ken?” . Ken looked at me and nodded. Surprisingly, my husband considers Ken more than his own wife. His attitude made me even more impatient to start asking for clarification.
I can't mince words anymore. I directed the question while looking at Ken. “You guys have been friends for how long and what decided you guys to be friends?”
“Fay, I have said many times we have been friends since SMA.” It was my husband who asked my question. I obviously directed it to Ken.
I also tried to clarify the subject of the question I was heading to. “Iya, Mas. I-i know. Only now there is Ken, yes I want to hear the story according to his version. So, what makes you guys this close, Ken?”
“Em... That is, Fay?” Ken put on a plain face.
I understand Ken's pretending he doesn't understand what my question means. In fact, he was delaying the time to set the answer. Where do I know that from? Already commonplace. When a person is confused in answering a question, he will ask the question repeated. He is fit to be an actor.
“Ya, how far are you?” I confirmed my question so that he could answer without asking for another repetition.
Hem, again. “Fay!!!” My husband is just being ignited. “What exactly do you mean by inviting Ken to home?”
I tried to calm down, not caring for my husband who started to stir up anger. Amazingly, Ken can act a lot calmer. The quietest among us. He kept silent, taking refuge behind my husband's words. “I want everything clear. Just by sitting three like this will all the questions stored in my head so far can be clear. So, you can answer my question, Ken?”
“Em...” Ken is back in plain play. And a few minutes earlier - when he was just with my husband - he was very good at telling stories. I bet he'd get an award for his acting if he became a professional actor.
Ironically, my husband is just like Ken's manager. “Jawab my question, Fay!” he said half screaming.
This single man who is with us is indeed good at taking advantage of the situation. He kept putting up a confused look, and it made my husband just fortify him.
“I first asked him, Mas.” My index finger went straight to Ken. “So, can you let your best friend answer my question first?” I also reflexively matched my husband's half-screaming voice earlier.
The situation made my husband even corner me. “Fay!!!!!!” Braaak! The coffee glass on the table fell to the floor, because of the knocking of my husband's fist. I had prepared myself for this kind of situation, but it was unexpected that my husband's attitude exceeded the limits of my imagination.
I can't hold back the tears. “Good.” I took a long breath. All of you, I'm shedding everything right now, I thought. “Today I've always tried to understand about your friendship. Friendship that he said has been established for a long time and like a brother. However, the longer I don't see your relationship as a friend. I can trust my husband, but what about him?” This time I turned my face 30 degrees toward Ken.
“What do you mean, Fay?” my husband. Then he ordered me to lower my index finger. “Do not overdo it! Lower your index!”
“Mas, can you shut up first?! I'd really like to hear an explanation from Ken.” My husband stared hard. I take that as a permission from him. “Do you love my husband, Ken? Please answer honestly!”
Finally, he no longer sold the expensive sound for me. “Yes, I love your husband. Love as a friend, like a brother.” The words seem to be made sweet. Just his tongue. He must have done it to get my husband's attention. You hypocrite!
“What could a friend, two men, send a love message, ‘I Love You’ said to her best friend and asked her not to leave you?” I'm more eager to solve this problem.
I saw my husband interrupting. I immediately stopped by opening my arms. Again, he tried to defend Ken. Or maybe my husband wanted to say I was presumptuous to read his WhatsApp messages. I was ready if he scolded me for it, but after I found out there would be no more lies in this marriage.
“Then where is the fault, Fay?!” ken said with an innocent look. If only I could slap him in the face.
“You always try to grab my husband's time and attention. Don't you forget that your best friend is married and I'm still his wife?” I'm really sick of seeing Ken put on a flat face, as if his actions weren't a mistake to correct. “Whatever is close to a friendship, there must be a limit when his best friend is married?”
Ken was silent when I asked that question. I also do not want the residence was actually used by my husband to rebuke my questions
“I may not know the concept of bromance, but I am a woman. I could feel the woman who liked my husband, as well as the man who liked my husband. You always hug my husband not with the embrace of friendship or brotherhood, right? Then, behind me you met my husband. Why hide if you are just friends? My husband's friends are many, but everything is normal. There's nothing like you.”
This time Ken gave a sharp look at me. I'm not scared. Let my husband see the truth and true nature of this friend of his.
“I know my best friend is married. I'm sober, so conscious. Even I'm happy he's married.” What does it mean to put pressure on the last sentence? He has boiled my blood from the tip of my foot to the tip of my head.
“Then?” I want to hear what he really wants to explain.
“Don't you forget that your husband has friends too? Have friends and other lives that have been closely built, even before he knows you. He's your husband, but that doesn't mean he's all yours. He also has his own life. You shouldn't be this selfish!”
Whahuh? He told me and said I was selfish. Very clever he spoke and looked for face, twisted the facts. Yesterday I was scolded by my husband. He must have complained by concocting the words of persecution.
“You don't have to label me selfish if you're still a lot more selfish than me. You are conscious, but close your eyes. What's that called?” Don't think I'll lose a game of words. “Now frankly, are you gay?”
A plaaaak! A hard slap landed on my left cheek. I didn't expect my husband, who I thought was just watching my argument, and Ken was actually defending the son of a bitch in this way. Or is this a defense for him too?
I can no longer be among them. It's been obvious. Very plainly. My husband did something I never expected.
Holding my husband's palm-stamped cheek, I cried, running towards the room. I heard my husband calling. But I don't want to see them both. Kukunci room. Then, cover your face with a pillow while letting out all the tears. I want to go home to mom and dad. They never hit me.