Winter in Hokkaido
Chapter 5: Resolution

I could only get down on my knees after being on the phone with Fay earlier. I'm stupid! I was stupid. It didn't occur to me the possibility of Dave's phone being held by his wife. Now, regret has spread pain and sadness to every cell in my body.

Why is this feeling so painful? Even when my parents died, I didn't feel this way, not as sad as I was this morning. Do I deal with this problem too much with feelings?

I've left the night unchanged in my room for a few days. I don't want to let the sunlight in through the window. I want the day to stay night, and everything that happens is just a dream. Dreams at night. An illusion that lamented the darkness of the fatigue of life.

Many times I convince myself that if this is a dream, it is real. Trying hard, but I need someone's shoulder to lean on.

This time, I opened the window. The sunlight immediately stung. Morning of the city! I sat on the edge of the balcony while looking horizontally and vertically.

When floating a horizontal view I saw magnificent skyscrapers belonging to Jakarta. The infinite breadth. As far as the eye could see, I did not see the edge of the earth. When I look veritkal, it looks like traffic is so crowded. All vehicles queue long at the intersection of the traffic signs, waiting for the green will come. I turned my head up, there was only a vast blue sky. White clouds decorate the space picture nicely. It's a sunny day. But a dark day in my mind.

Should I go to the farthest place on earth? Or go to another world that might be more peaceful? But will I really find that peace after deciding to leave? Will he miss me? It could be that he would just cry for a moment, then forget about it forever. Let me scream. I shouted the name I was always waiting for.

I tried to catch my breath. Sometimes closing their eyes. Trying to calm down, looking for a glimmer of calmness to determine the step I will take after this.

Suddenly, someone seemed to be waiting at the door of my apartment. He kept pressing the bell and then followed it by knocking on the door. Who is this early guest coming to visit? When I open the door, I'll give him a punch. Dare to tell me to step where I don't want to go.

I opened the door, then a man in glasses stood in front of me. The scent of his manhood burst out, piercing my nose. The not-so-thick pajamas he wore stuck to his body due to the sweat glue. Form a symmetrical plane from the chest to the abdomen.

Hands clenched. His face was red. Without warning, he pushed me. I fell backwards. His impulse was indeed not very strong, it was just that I did not expect him to say such greetings.

After I fixed my standing position, he looked at me and tried to push again. This time I was ready and managed to check on him so that he could not change my position anymore.

Why did he visit with such anger? Or is he showing me concern? His attitude is so ambiguous.

I remember the anger of him being like this in college. I was on vacation when I was on my semester exam. I was angry with him for lying to me. When I was hanging out, he claimed to be busy doing group work. In fact, I saw him come out of the cinema with a woman. He held the woman in love. I was angry, because the group course she was working on was apparently dating. I also took a vacation to relieve the frustration.

After vacationing from Lombok, I did not think he was waiting in my apartment. He sleeps on the couch. I did deliberately give her my apartment spare key card. The goal, because he's my only friend. So he can get into my apartment without needing to press the bell, just like when he got into my life history.

When he woke up, he pushed me. No words were spoken, but he wanted to hit me. I challenged him to release his anger. He was silent and then hugged me. He told me his concern about me suddenly disappearing. All the classmates he said he asked, but no one knew where I was going. Though he knew, I almost only had him as a friend in class. So, how could I possibly tell them. Communicating with them is rare.

He was so angry after I explained that I was coming home from vacation. He said why take a vacation on the semester exam. He said I had no mind. But for some reason when he said it, I was so touched.

He also slapped me once, asking me to be honest about the thing behind my vacation. I also told the truth. I was disappointed in his lies. It turned out that he preferred to walk with others and told me he was working in a group.

I was upset to ask him to just leave and no longer have to say I'm his best friend if he would still lie to me. However, he instead tried to hug me while saying an apology. I kept pushing him out of my apartment. I want him to reflect on his lies.

The next day, he was suddenly in my apartment again. I was shocked when I woke up that he was preparing breakfast for the two of us. I can't possibly linger on it. If he leaves me, then I will be very sorry.

The fights that happen bring wisdom. Our friendship is more closely connected. On the other hand, I began to think about the true taste he had for me.

Could this time be the same as it was? Is he showing his worries? His position stood only about two steps ahead of me. I approached with one step forward. But he tried to push me again. I can still anticipate his movements. I just hug him. The distinctive and damp aroma of his body crossed into my body. She didn't flinch when I hugged her.

After a while, my body managed to reach, I felt more and more emotional. I feel like I've caught a game. Of course, I don't want to let go easily.

He suddenly let out such a powerful force as my embrace grew tighter. He pushed my body until I fell in a sitting position. His strength is many times greater than mine. Naturally, these last two days my body has not been in contact with carbohydrates.

“I've warned you not to contact me anymore, and disturb my household,” he said smoulderingly as he pointed his index finger at my face.

She's upset. Really angry. Wh why? His wife told me about the conversation this morning with me. Why didn't he ask for my explanation first? Why push me straight away?

I'm trying to get up. “Is this how you treat your best friend?” ask me to ask for an explanation for the greeting he threw.

“Is this how you treat your best friend? Huh huh? Answer!” He turned my question around with a voice that was many times louder. His thump scared me. His attitude made my mind confused.

“What's my fault?”

“Why should you bother my wife?” His voice was still as loud as before.

Whahuh? Bothering? “I never bothered your wife. I tried to contact you, but it was precisely who raised your wife.”

“What do I owe you so you keep trying to contact me?”

“Debt?” Satirize what he means. “I just want to meet you. I miss our old friendship. After marriage you changed a lot.”

Hearing my statement, he then pulled the t-shirt I was wearing. I was also forced to stand.

“Change? Am I the one who changed? Or you who don't want to change?”

He gave a sharp look. I tried to let go of his grip on my shirt, but the energy I had was incomparable. “What do you mean?”

“You know I'm married. You should be able to understand my situation. We can still meet like before. But you should also know, I have other priorities. Be more mature!”

“Then what did your wife mean to tell you to tell me I'm not looking for you anymore?”

Finally, he let go of his grasp. I was pushed back two steps. I understand he's in a lot of rage.

“That's my order. That's my will,” her voice resonates loudly.

I was quiet, and he was too. Instantaneous silence. I don't know how many minutes. However, I felt for quite a long time the atmosphere without sound. I can only sit on the bed. I don't know what I should say. It seems like this will be the end of the long journey of two friends. He seems to start hating me.

“I ask you to stay away from me, because I hope that my wife will be able to receive you later. You two are the most valuable people in my life. I need time for you to understand each other's positions. Although there will probably continue to be disputes between the two of you, at least I slowly continue to try to divide the time for you also proportionately. Let me put my wife's suspicions to rest first. I asked you to budge for a moment, but you acted brutally.” His voice began to taste good.

“Then?” as usual.

“When circumstances separate us, I think of living life as it is. My return to Bali, I consider it a new life step that I have to live. I always miss you, but I realize sooner or later we can't be like we used to be. I'm glad that the breakup happened not because of anything bad. Then, I got used to not calling you every day. I also realized that if you called every day, you would be disturbed. I want you to say miss first. It's just, it seems you're too busy for even a week no one asked me. While I'm not strong enough to resist longing. I can't keep your phone out of your grasp and number out of range. You are my most beautiful memory.”

I need to take a breath after the long story. He took a sitting position beside me. Maybe to hear my story more carefully or tired of standing up. I don't know. I saw him no longer as fierce as when he came.

So, I continued to tell you, “Then, you became intimate calling. Every day you talk about your wedding plans. I'm glad to hear that. There was no feeling but happiness at that time. I just think you already have a new life companion, which you choose to complement your happiness.”

He was listening to me.

“I don't feel replaceable, because I realize we don't necessarily meet again. I am not necessarily back to Jakarta,” I said while giving a moment's glance considering the moment.

“But to be honest, there was a bit of sadness that I felt back then. It's not about your marriage, but I never felt like you missed me. But never mind, I am happy to hear you happy, even though I did not see you directly appear in a suit. Because at the same time, I have to accompany my father who is undergoing treatment in Singapore.” I began to cry in memory of my father, while my best friend looked increasingly down.

“Then my father died. Family business went bankrupt, because it was not taken care of. All assets sold for paternity treatment. There's no reason for me to stay in Bali anymore, no more nasab there. I then found a job in Jakarta. I think at least if working in Jakarta can occasionally meet you. God granted my wish. A start-up company in this city made me his employee. Then we can meet again. I saw you were so happy when I met you again. Or maybe I over-interpreted it. You also steal time to meet me. You said your wife was so jealous. I'm not forcing you to introduce me to him. However, you want me and your wife to be friends too.”

After so long I told her, she said with a little poignancy, “Sorry if I'm wrong. I shouldn't have presented this heavy situation to you.”

“No. Maybe I'm the one who shouldn't show up here. I can't prevent this from happening again. Comfortable feeling and always wanting to be with you. My socialist space is too narrow that it is just you and you again.” Looking at his face, he seemed to be thinking hard.

“I'm confused.” The words came out representing the look on his face.

“Sorry, I've confused you. Like you said, I never change. I still love and love you as much as I used to. You, my best friend who always tried to teach me about the goodness of life, which is always a reminder when I was drowning in mistakes, who became an entertainer when I was hit by anxiety. But true said your wife, maybe I have far too far to consider the taste you give as a friend. I feel this way too deeply. I love you!!” The last sentence just screamed from my lips.

I wanted to scream. Voicing his heart directly in front of him without any taste restrictions. Huh!!! I am also confused about this feeling.

Looking at me who was screaming with tears, he patted my shoulder. There was a sense of relief when he managed to reveal all complaints to him. However, I also felt so sinful seeing his face look so tired with this matter.

“We can still be as friendly as ever.” He tried to hug me. The touch he gave was getting bitter to interpret. My mind doesn't stop raging.

Two weeks ago he said he was trying to share his time with me as well, but why he always ignored my calls and text messages. He also refused to see me in his office. Could it be that he was just trying to comfort me? I felt there was a lie in the calmness he gave me. I knew he just couldn't see someone crying in front of him.

I decided to pull his hand. He did not rebuke, just a little surprised. Just chill!

I pushed him out of my apartment. He tried to hold back. “What is this? What's up, Ken?”

I ignored the question. I kept pushing him with all my might. He also seemed resigned when I asked him out of my apartment.

I leaned the body on the door. He heard her calling my name as she continued to knock and ask for an explanation. I wonder how serious he is about what he said. But soon, his voice was no longer heard. It was like I was on the edge of hope.

There was relief within when he was willing to listen to my long words. Although this is not what I expected, but I must wisely decide.

I walked around every corner of my apartment. Tidying up clothes and food marks that were left scattered for days.

Then, I took my phone. I'm calmer. Maybe like this I should have made the choice to give peace in life. I installed the WhatsApp application. After finding the contact I was looking for, I sent a short message.

[Uncle, I will go to Hokkaido soon.]

Replies came quickly.

[Are you serious? Oh, I am so happy to hear that.]

My mother is from Japan. He's three brothers. My mother's the oldest. My uncle in Hokkaido number 2 and Aunt in Tokyo number 3 or youngest.

Before I died, both Mom and Dad asked me to stay with Uncle or Aunt. He said let someone help me. Dad, in fact, always said that to Uncle and Aunt when he was sick.

My father died a year ago from meningitis, and my mother a year earlier. Mother has lung cancer that we only know after entering stage 4 or very severe.

The family of the father is now somewhere. He only told me when he was a child living in an orphanage. After becoming a teenager, he left the orphanage to fight for life in Jakarta.

In Jakarta, Dad worked as a waitress from one restaurant to another. Then there was a very good employer to him. It just so happens that they have no children. Father was appointed as a child and educated until college. Unfortunately, when Dad was successful, they died due to the disaster of the fire that hit their home and place of business. At that time, I was interning at a hotel in Bali.

My life story makes me proud of him.

Dad used to study in Hospitality Management. He loves the world of business and tourism. He was happy to meet many people, because it gave him a lot of experience and knowledge. It's very different from me who is often nervous about meeting new people.

With a strong determination, Dad managed to build a resort in Bali. A business that also brought him to someone who had given birth to me. At that time Mom was on vacation with her family and stayed at the resort Dad. Two hearts were smitten from the first sight, until Mom was reluctant to return to Japan. So did Dad's saying.

Compared to Mom, I'm closer to Dad. Even so, their loss was just as painful. My life feels quieter and quieter.

Mom and Dad always thought I was a kid. Dad was always worried that no one would accompany me when he was no longer in this world. Mother before she died once advised her brothers to take care of me like their own children. In fact, they have prepared a place to live and work for me in Japan. But I feel like an adult. I can't depend my fate on anyone else. At the age of 27, I should have fought for my own life.

Now, things take me to see Uncle and Aunt.  I want to freeze the problem with the ongoing snow season in Japan. Niatan left Indonesia appeared when telling a long story to my best friend earlier. Looks like this is the best. Later I decided to settle in with the calm atmosphere of nature with Uncle, or re-enjoicing the excitement of city life by living with Aunt.

The most important thing right now is that I have found the confidence to make a decision. I don't want to wrestle with this story anymore. I don't want to keep thinking about it without certainty. I'm afraid that forcing my stay here will only make me more overwhelmed with darkness. The chance to live a better life, it's a choice I have to make myself. After all, she wouldn't really feel lost again if I was far from her eyes.

Too deep a taste for my best friend, I myself do not know what his name is and the extent of his limits. Sometimes I think, maybe this feeling is only limited because of the often lonely that I experience. But on the other hand, I felt an indescribable calm and comfort while with him. I wanted to scold my best friend, because she also returned the feelings I felt for her. Even if we were ordinary at first, I couldn't have expected this hard.

May time sooner erase my thoughts about him. To be honest, I had a dream of kissing your lips, Dave.