FAITHFULLY YOURS (BSBB)
Chapter 33

...Not a Regular Sugar Baby (BSBB) ...

...Chapter 33...

Two years later...

"Tante!"

I woke up from the daydream when baking bread. Peanut butter toast is Adel's favorite. I made four sheets for breakfast this morning, complete with warm milk of course.

"Yeah?" my answer was greeted with Adel's embrace.

"Next week, Adel was invited to BNS (Stone Night Spectacular). Aunt Anterin Adel, huh? Later he went home with the temen, staying at his house. Temen girls all, really," said Adel asking permission.

"Boleh."

Adel still hugged me as if she wanted to say something. "Aunty..."

"Hm?" my answer.

"Thank you, Adel has moved here. Here, a lot of good temen." She thanked me for taking her to move to a city that was identical to her green apple. Hearing it, makes me happy. Because my efforts to make her happy are certainly not in vain.

"Aaa, thank goodness. Adel is a good boy, so dear friends with Adel." I hugged Adel tightly. He looked very cheerful, that was all I wanted to see, that was his smile. 

"False, Aunt. Adel went to school, yeah. Dear Tantee. Muahh."

In accordance with my promise to Adel that I would take him away from Jakarta, I kept it. I left Jakarta full of hustle and bustle and memories, then here we are. In the quiet, idyllic and distant city of Malang from the people of my past.

I started a new life with Adel. Just the two of us. Without Rara, without Rio.

Nor ... Brother Hansel.

Thatvs right. I took a tough decision at the time, choosing Adel or him.

I know I'm evil. I realize he's broken. But, don't think only he feels that way, because I also broke irregular, formless. I was trying to collect pieces of myself, hide everything about my feelings, carve a fake smile on my face. For half of my heart has been left in Jakarta, with that man.

The man who always came in my dreams, who I always wanted to hug, I breathed his scent, I kissed his full lips, and indulged in the warmth of his embrace. Right, only that one man will ever and forever have my heart. Brother Hansel.

My heart always feels shaken every time I remember it. Our farewell I did was cruel and hurt him. But I also did not lose to suffering. I died inside.

I'm sorry, if I'm this selfish. I left him suddenly, blocked all communication media with him, left and had no intention of returning. My heart, always and always, chooses. Again and again.

Until this moment I asked, why the heart and common sense can not be in line?

Why did I leave her when clearly my heart chose to be with her?

This is why I hate myself. Because what I do sometimes goes against my heart. I cried every night, crushed and drowned in a bottomless heartache. And the next morning, I had to put on another different face than what I felt.

Be ill. Sure oes. It tore up my feelings and my mentality, draining all the energy I had.

Is it okay?

Right, it's okay.

It's okay while Adel can still go to school well and have friends.

It's okay while Adel can trust me again.

It's okay for me to sacrifice myself, because this is all I have for Adel. My sacrifice and my whole self.

This is the punishment for me that has hurt so many people, especially those I love.

***

HopeStay is my inn business, a guesthouse with the concept of returning to nature. Armed with my savings all this time and a refund of accounts receivable from Mas Agung, I ventured to realize the dream by building an inn business. HopeStay is short for Hope and Stay. So, in the hope that the visitors will feel at home and come back here again every time they visit Batu City which is alive will be its tourism.

Before going to Batu, I want to clean the room. While I was pulling the blankets and sheets in the closet, the two photos I had been keeping for a long time fell down. It made me stare at those memorable things until I was silent for a long time. Instantly I reminisced about the flashback after that moment happened. 

A photograph of me and Brother Hansel taken from a photobox in the mall, a variety of funny and exciting expressions we show as our happiness.

And another piece is a photo of my graduation, a few months after we broke up. Of course my expression was not happy to be clearly seen in this photo.

A few days after the incident Adel fled to the bus terminal at that time, I dated Kak Hansel. I've prepared everything to move out of town. I decided on Hansel right that day, after we took a photo at the photobox. I realized that I was very cruel. Very very cruel, leaving behind memories that will be hard for both of us to forget.

"I can't be together anymore" I said in her car as she drove me home.

"W-what? You're not serious, are you, Mel?" tanyanya then who looked surprised.

"I'm very serious."

"Why? We have no problem. It feels all right. Even until Rara and Rio's wedding we still very much agree, that we love each other. Why is this suddenly?"

"My past is bad. I don't think we're gonna be together. You lecturer. Your parents are also very good."

"Because I'm a lecturer and my parents are respected? What kind of reason is that? So, what's the matter? Is it because I'm a lecturer that I can't fall in love? I am myself, Hansel Andarsa. Ordinary people can also fall in love. And I never planned who and when my heart would choose someone. We talked about this, right, Mel? Isn't this not a problem? After all, soon you graduate, after that we can be more flexible because it does not violate campus policies. Hang on for a little while, yeah," he said, looking at me gently, giving me the smile I always looked forward to.

"We won't be able to succeed." I said softly.

"What the hell does that mean? I don't understand. Is there another man?" He looked at me fixedly.

"No! There's never been anything like it." Of course there is no other man, because I only love you. I have closed my heart to any man but you, I murmured inwardly.

"Certain why? Give me a clear reason. Don't we know each other's feelings? Did I make a mistake? I'm sorry, huh? I'm sorry, huh?" He touched my cheek. I wanted to hug her right then and there, but I had to make that parting work. Because, I have chosen and put Adel above all my own happiness, even though I have to be destroyed though.

"I'll move tomorrow. Same Adel, my niece."

"That's all? Just because of that, you want to kill me? You don't think about how we struggled to be together all this time? That's as easy as saying you want to break up and disappear. If the problem of LDR, once a month meet no problem, I'm sure we can deal with this. It's not a big thing. So, think again, baby, Please.... I can't if I have to separate. You are too, right? You love me too, don't you, Mel?" He held my hand. His face depicts fear. Afraid of losing. However, I had no other choice but to let go of her hand slowly.

"All this time, I've only used you." I saw his forehead wince. "I'm just using you so that I can write my script well and graduate college immediately with satisfactory grades. I don't have any feelings for you, all this time I just faked everything. I promised Adel I'd start a new life with him and leave behind everything in the past. So, you're not in our plan." I could see from his gaze that he was crushed inside.

I'm sorry, it's not as easy for me. Even so, I had to cover it up as best I could so that we could part ways easily. "I just want to say that. Don't call me again. Let's forget each other. And thank you for your time in the last few months. I'm leaving" I said again, getting out of the car and leaving it there by myself. For a moment, he was silent in the car as if he could not believe what he had just heard. Before long, the door opened, he got out of there and closed the door loudly.

"You're cruel, Mel! It's as easy as you get rid of me, as if our togetherness has been meaningless!" his screams were full of emotion.  "I know all your words are lies. I'm sure you love me too! I'm sure you won't spare me even if you try your best! It won't be that easy!"

I did not look and kept passing. I know she's crying. However, I won't be able to see it destroyed let alone that because of me.

I also don't want my face to fall apart because these tears have to be witnessed by her.

Forgive me, forgive me. Really, I love you Hansel. And it always will be.

"Goodbye, Hansel Andarsa," I said slowly crying over my own decision at the time.

A few months after we broke up, I went back to Jakarta several times for a thesis hearing. When graduation came, I couldn't avoid seeing her again. In that moment, we were not in agreement, he did not even congratulate me. Just look at me from a distance and throw his face away. I know he's still very disappointed. And my heart felt broken too. 

I couldn't help but feel my longing already overflowing, but when I saw it ignoring me, my heart couldn't lie. In fact, I still love him very much. However, I understood it was all my fault to decide by saying something so hurtful, the words I deliberately said to make him hate me. So that I can catch him not with me and maybe find a better woman.

As soon as the show was over, I couldn't stand it anymore and my crying broke when I went to the toilet. It felt shattered once, like slicing a heart. After that day, I never met her again and accepted the possibility that she hated me so much...

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Seriate...

...Copyright by Ine Young, 2021...