THE LOVER OF OTHERS
ALINA'S VOICE
Days go by, and wounds? the wounds were getting stuck firmly in my heart, indeed the wounds made me aware, that the decision I chose would only aggravate my wounds.
But I can't avoid this feeling either, I can't just take Evano off, after what I've been through, and what I did with Evano.
Every day we always communicate, until late at night, and I'm willing to wait for it, I'm willing to endure my drowsiness, I'm willing to change my sleeping hours, and all that... all just waiting for news from Evano.
Lately we've been seeing each other, whether it's just to go away for a while, and Evano says he gave up his job to meet me, but I don't know, it might just be sheer nonsense coming out of his mouth.
I'm not crazy, I'm sane, I'm aware, and I understand very well our differences, I can melt her heart, her parents' heart, and her other family's heart, BUT NOT for the heart of God.
I also had time to think, all that I have lived with her until this moment, will definitely end with a SEPARATION instead OF UNITY, this IS THE IMPOSSIBLE THAT WILL HAPPEN. But I always expected.
I once wrote this line in my cell phone note "You should know when to stop and go back to the beginning, because a journey that has no purpose will only end tiring".
Yes... I wrote it consciously that night, but.... myself? did I turn around? did I go back to the beginning? did I stop walking?, NO.
I still foolishly continue my journey, a journey that I know will only exhaust myself, my body, my soul, my mind.
Until the end, I began to realize, he was to me only to let go of his loneliness when his lover was not around. But how could I take off the snare from him, because he was always my fortress, the fort that prevented sadness from penetrating me. You could say this is the sweetness that is in the bitterness.
I know all of them... yaa... all of them... However, does it have an impact with me? NO. There was no impact whatsoever that I got after I knew all of his reality, I still just casually walked in the wrong direction.
Many people say that in this world nothing is impossible, and I believe those words, if we try, we will definitely get what we want. But this time I believe in the impossible.
No matter how hard and clever I try to unite with her will still end in separation. Because one of us has to choose, and that's a tough choice, that is, choose creation or the creator.
I love him, but I also have to love my God more, and if he loves me, he must love his God more. That's why I once told myself that between us there was a dividing wall. And none of us would dare to destroy that wall.
From the very beginning our path had already branched out, and something branched out had little chance of coming together. But I don't know, if the universe wills, maybe it will.
I believe in my creator, he must have created the joys and sorrows in one package, but it only takes time for us to receive one by one what is in the package.
I wanted to create a beautiful love story like in a novel, but the thought I had to throw away, I had to realize that this is the universe, it's not a novel that I can write as I please.
- Banjarmasin, June 8th
*****
It was getting late at night, but Alina still poured what was in her brain into the form of writing, she stopped for a moment to look at the sky of her room, her room, while thinking of the appropriate words to complete the sentence.
The writing really flows just like that, he writes with drowsiness that has begun to appear in his eyes, but his brain is still running perfectly, forcing him to continue his writing.
Every now and then Alina opens her notifications full of chats from Evano, Keyla, and her other friends, but she ignores all of those chats, to write down what's in her brain.
Ever thought he wanted to be a famous writer, where people like his writing, read his complaints, read what the closest people do not know, and much more. But he is afraid if no one likes his writing, on the other hand he also knows success is not instant.
In the middle of the night, all the events that have happened or have not happened, all of them appear in Alina's brain, making her new thoughts accumulate.
Whether it's thoughts about his love story, the way he can be successful, the way how he makes his parents happy, his life story in the future, and others. All collected in Alina's brain, making her increasingly unable to sleep, especially if plus she waited for news from Evano. Until the morning he might let go of his sleeping hours.
When asked about success, Alina learned all about that success from Evano, Evano once told her, "we should be able to be a leader in our own efforts, if you just do not want to try then be ready is you live only follow the fate that has been determined, fate can we change to be better than what we are living, he said, if we try"
That's what he always remembered, and that's what made him try to write, string sentences, because indeed he liked writing, but Alina was a spirited child at the beginning, but, but in the middle will already start lazing to continue.
Alina finished pouring out her thoughts, she lay staring at the sky of her room which was filled with decorative stars, while recalling the events she experienced with Evano that night,by the end of the day, Alina was asleep.