HABIBI QOLBI
Chapter 5 Me and My Past

“Rum, how do you feel if you are being proposed by a guy like Ustad Hafiz?”  asked Zaira who was lying next to him.

“My feelings? do not be asked again, of course, really seneng.maybe only a stupid girl who rejected Ustad Hafiz. already handsome, good manners, if the Javanese say; seedlings, bebet clear weights, bebet,” Reply Arum while glancing at his theme who had focused on staring at his book at the table.

“Stupid woman? true too,sih”

            “Already, you guys don't insult me. Yeah, I'm stupid. You satisfied?! Nyesel I told ” said Aisyah sebal heard the insinuations from her two best friends.

“Finally aware of you too, Ais. You better apologize to Ustad Hafiz and admit your error has rejected him”

“I Don't want to!” answer Aisyah lightly.

“Terus?”

“Without you asking I will definitely apologize again to Ustad Hafiz.  But that does not mean I withdraw my words, I never think of it. Love cannot be forced, right? “

Arum and Zaira nodded. “As far as you are, Ais. we are only afraid that later you will regret, do you know Ais, if actually ustad Hafiz is a Gus?” (gus call for Pak kyai's son).

“Gus?” aisyah asked to make sure what she heard was true.

“Iya, it turns out Gus Hafiz Pak Kyai Masduqi's son Lasem pesantren,”

“I heard that as well, santri kang-kang said Gus Hafiz was the last son of Pak Kyai Masduqi,” continued Arum.

“But why he never told?” ask Aisyah wonder.

“Emang you iku sopo Ais, what is Gus Hafiz until you have to know?”  It was as if a needle had pierced through Aisha's heart upon hearing Arum's insinuations.

“That's why we ask you to think thousands of times against Gus Hafiz, he not only mastered his extraordinary theory of science, his ethics are in line with his knowledge. Unpretentious. In this pesantren even he

not showing off that gus hafiz is Pak kyai's son. You know, Lasem pesantren is not a small pesantren. Thousands of students and many santri output pesantren Lasem become great scholars” the atmosphere of silence heard Arum's explanation.

“As long as you know Ice, it is easy for Gus Hafiz to find a woman who is many times better than you, Ustadzah Nurul for example, but.

Allah show Gus Hafiz about you, which no other woman has,” added Zaira.

“Ah, have you guys overdone this. You take it easy, God willing I have no regrets with my decision,” Aisyah smiled

“Totally?” ask Zaira to make sure

“It's up to you if you don't believe.  Don't talk about it again, I want to learn, tomorrow it's over,”

I don't know why it feels like Aisyah was reluctant to discuss the incident this afternoon. Remembering his words rejecting Hafiz's ustad proposal made it go awry. Although his eyes focused on the book he was holding, yet somehow his mind floated exploring the black fog. Whether it was a sense of regret for rejecting Hafiz's ustad, or indeed he felt guilty. I don't know, for sure at this time the decision has been unanimous to reject Ustad Hafiz.

Ustad Hafiz's...Ehh, I mean Gus Hafiz. Not because you're Kyai sir's son, but about your taaruf invitation. Right said Arum, I'm iki sopo?  imagining you alone is not entitled let alone accept your invitation.

You want to make me Nyai's mom? I'm not cinderella, Gus..

And there's no cinderella story in the pesantren, Gus...

(22 February 2017 diary

Aisha)

***

Aisha was already standing on the lip of the door. He hesitated to knock on the door. After he was told by Arum that Ustadzah Nurul wanted to meet him, there was a big question that shook his mind. It is not usual for Ustadzah Nurul to call him, especially early in the morning like this. Is this related to Ustadzh Hafiz's proposal? Could it be that Mr Kyai's family knew that Ustad Hafiz proposed to me? If that is true, what explanation can he give to Ustadzah Nurul.

All students know that Nurul Ustadzah likes Ustadz Hafiz. Moreover, Ustadzh Nurul's father is the owner of this pesantren. Last week, the news spread that the family of Ustadzah Nurul himself proposed to Ustadz Hafiz.  What dream are you Ais, competing with Pak Kyai's children?.

“Why stand up, come on in,” Aisyah was surprised to feel someone pat her on the shoulder. He looked, there was already Ustadzah Nurul who smiled at him.

“Please sit, Ice!”  Ustadzah Nurul put the book on the table, then approached Aisyah who had lowered her head earlier.

“Ais, how's your memorization?”

“Alhamdulillah smoothly, ustadzah,” said shirih Aisyah

“I heard the day after you started KKN, where are you placed?”

“In Banten area, God willing the day after I have left”

“Away as well Ice, then take care of yourself in the city of people. Even if you are far from pesantren, never forget your worship, keep your breath,” Aisyah nodded. He saw Ustadzah Nurul take out a paper and thrust it at Aisyah.

“That's your discharge letter from pesantren,”

Whahuh? The producer's letter from the pesantren? Did he not hear wrong. Aisyah was expelled from the pesantren. What harm? Is his guess correct, if Ustadzah Nurul angry with him because Ustadz Hafiz proposed to him.

This is fucking crazy! Should he accept the decision of Ustadzah Nurul, when he was comfortable and began to improve in pesantren. For Aisyah pesntren is a place that is able to make it far from the rampant negative things

“Yeah Geez, I was just kidding. See that your face is like dying,” Ustadzah pursed his lips to see Aisyah like a living corpse staring at the paper in front of him. “That's your license for KKN, don't forget to be filled in completely,”

“Assalamualaikum, Ustadzah is time to teach, already awaited in class,” the voice of one of the students approached ustadzah Nurul.

“Oh, okay. I will be there soon, “ Ustadzah Nurul said to santri earlier. Ustadzah Nurul again mengadap Aisyah who is still struggling in her daydream.

“Ais, you fill this letter, sorry I can't wait for you, I have to teach. If you have finished putting it on the table,” Ustadzah Nurul grabbed a few books and then he left. Not forgetting he patted Aisyah's shoulder hoping that the girl would come to her senses from her daydream.

Aisyah is still gawking.  Candaan Ustadzah Nurul really works to make his heart feel like it wants to be dislodged. Aisha felt sinful, had thought nothing of Ustadzah Nurul. Even his negative thoughts made him a fool in front of Ustadzah Nurul. Effects of excessive worry. Until he did not realize that the devil had just instigated him for suudzon. What kind of warrior does he dare suudzon to his teacher? I hope he doesn't get the quality of his negative thoughts.

***

The Aisyah you know is not the perfect woman like the main character in a novel of love verses.  Mr Kyai's daughter, the president's daughter, or the businessman's daughter? She is just a chicken farmer's daughter. Every day clean the chicken manure, and keep it until ready to harvest. Her mother was an ordinary housewife. Tak

there's something special about him. Aisyah is the youngest daughter of two brothers.  However, the second elder sister was taken by the owner at the age of 18 years, when Aisyah was still sitting on the bench SMK. Be her now, the youngest daughter of the only unmarried. Her first sister was married and followed her husband. Do not think Aisha is as beautiful as Sayyidah Aisha the wife of the Prophet, Aisha is a girl

skinny, short, pug nose, mature brown skin, but he's got dimples that look sweet when he's

smile, as his other friend.

His house, a piece of wood that stood upright. His parents could not build a semi-permanent house like the neighbors. Understandably, how much does a farmer earn? I can eat every day to be thankful.

Living under Mount Slamet made Aisyah grow with nature as her friend. Helping his grandfather under a routine that he did not miss after he returned home from school. Tandur, megawe, looking for a golden snail in the rice field, may be a boy of the now age unfamiliar with the term, but that's his activity. Aisha did not know

his name is gudget, he just knew because he entered a favorite SMK in the district.

Well, during elementary school until Junior High Aisyah entered the top three. That's why her school is free and she gets a scholarship to continue her SMK in the city. From SMK, the little girl began

living independently, until now he entered the 6th semester at the leading University in Yogyakarta. All scholarships are full.

AISHA POV

There will be times when everything feels bland. Tired and tired of living this life that demands strength. Those who are weak will be crushed or crushed. Life is not tossed around

clearly, the principle that from the beginning became a strong grip, lost somewhere. Being on the cusp of burnout, that's how I feel right now. I beautifully painted the flow of my life, there were no sad words, failures or tears in it that there was only happiness. However, it is not God's name if He releases His servant freely in governing life. Everything that has happened in my life is full of surprises.

Aisha leaned her head on the table. Aqidah akhlak lesson has ended, but the words of Bu Nyai opened the past that he had locked the meeting.  Who me? A proud, proud woman who forgot that I was

humans, who only live in this world.  A man full of grievances, God

exhale at the blood clot that over time with His will, from the fingers to the

perfect form. Sometimes I wonder why I was born to a poor family

or with imperfect seeds or weights? I was faced with a world of so much competition that the one with the advantage or power would surely win. While I with a million dreams but do not have the skills or advantages that can support my dreams.

I, Ayesha, have been plunged into a black valley. I beautifully painted the groove

my life, there are no sad words, failures or tears in it that there is only happiness. Will

however, it is not God's name if He releases His servant freely in governing life. Everything that has happened in my life is full of surprises. From all the lists I made about my future, nothing was accomplished. My college is a mess, I'm being looked at by the people I love. Not only that, the family that became the guide of life, betrayed me. Every day I had to hear my mother's cries, when Dad slapped her, and brought another woman into the house. At the breaking point, I lost knowing who I was and who my God really was. And I realized, I was being shown the cruelty of the world. Especially

after my brother died, everything was bitter.  At the end of 2016, no matter what was going on inside me, that night my heart was shaken with grief, worry and what I was doing was unreal. The cause was the dream of death that was present in my sleep.  If the dream is once, maybe I consider it a nightmare, but is not it strange if we dream in one week with the same dream? what is the meaning behind a dream?.

The first dream, there was clearly a picture of my father's face that was wrapped in a shroud by the

neighbor.  White cotton covered his nose, both his eyes were clenched by the cotton covering. The shroud wrapped all the bodies of the Father that I loved so much. There, too, I saw myself who

crying, thrashing to see it all. Not long after, an iron coffin entered the room, mourners

put Dad in a coffin and then covered by a green cloth inscribed with arabic letters.

Before the coffin was lifted, I shouted out my father's name so loudly that all the mourners looked at my collar.  I'm blocking some people who're gonna take Daddy's body out of the house. Ah, no it's not my father's body!  I won't let the people I love just walk away. There's no way my father died. He was healthy, strong and always worked hard to support me in college.  Even Dad promised me he wouldn't die before I could take him to the holy land with mom.  Moreover, Father has not seen me wearing a toga, it is very unfair if God let him go.

Deaf or indeed they pretended to be deaf, the mourners did not heed my cries of anger,

they look at me cynically.  The four men were both, I had the same dream.  The difference is this dream opens the veil of my past. I was shown the moment my brother died. I'm like an undead.

Seeing people passing by like shit. This heart cried loudly, continued to thrash but not a single tear dripped.   Irregular breath, tight chest. What I was experiencing was getting heavier, as the sound of ambulance squeaked in the ears. Crowds of people circled the hearse that stopped at

home page. The ambulance door was opened by a nurse dressed in white

out carrying the body of brother. It was the last time I kissed her on the cheek before the shroud

covered face. At that moment, I remembered my brother's pale face in my fainting.