Heartbreakers
03. Daddy's?

Eventually this challenging charity event was completed successfully. Although we had to stay in a crowd at the Asih Orphanage in order to decorate the place, we were really satisfied. The smiles and laughter of the orphanage children pretty much motivate us to keep doing good. Not even a few of them were directly involved in helping our decor. I pray that our practices and their help are not in vain.

After the final meeting, Kak Lintang and Kak David allowed us to disperse to go home and rest. It turns out that it is also good this event was held on Saturday: after we could rest as much without fear of bablas in college hours.

“Be careful on the road, Ra!” kak Rasya's message as we parted ways in the parking lot. I replied with a nod and a smile on my lips.

Home ..., means my goal this time is home. Twenty minutes down the road I'll pay for it with a clean shower and a full day in the room. I wish I could ignore whatever screams I hear at home.

PRANGS!

My feet had just stepped on the porch, but I had heard a broken plate followed by shouting and stuffing. My brain was already in revolt asking my legs to go in reverse direction, but my heart was bracing to try to hold on.

“I go home,” my handkerchief while stepping in. As much as possible I sped up my path and did not care about Father and Mother who were fighting in the dining room. I could feel a moment of silence as I passed by without saying anything. I knew Mom was holding her stuff and Dad was holding back the vase she was about to slam.

“You see that kid? Just go home! I don't know who he was last night with! Somehow he's out there! You are also completely useless as a mother or wife! No one cares about me at all. What kind of family is this?!” I shouted as soon as I closed the door to my room. I faintly heard Mother's voice trying to answer despite being mixed with sobbing.

PRANGS!

That's the sound of a flower vase that Dad's been holding. I thought, for a long time the glassware in this house will run out. Maybe tomorrow after college I'll stop by the furniture store to buy plastic household appliances.

“YOU ARE MY WIFE! You should have followed me! Not even defying and defending a fucking kid like Kheira! He never even called me again. Where does he think the treasure he used was if not from me?! YOU ARE BOTH A USELESS WIFE AND MOTHER!”

Again, I screamed. I'm worried about Mom's eardrum, hopefully still intact. However, it seems like Dad was so upset with me that it brought me who was never the topic of their quarrel. I heard Mom answer her screams with a sob again.

“DIAMEN YOU! Or I'll slap you!” sergeant Daddy's upset. After that, he was angry with emotion.

It's been half an hour since I got home and they're still at home. I was tired of hearing Dad scream. Plus Dad's complaint about me that feels like making ears hot. I'm sick of it now. I was surprised that I was still strong enough to hang on to him in this situation for five years.

THE PLAQUE!

I think Dad finally slapped Mom. Mother's cries have turned into cries. His voice roared asking Dad to go to calm down. My brain had imagined that Mom was kneeling and begging Dad, like yesterday.

“Why should I go?! He who doesn't care who should go, not me!” push Dad hard. For a second I heard a thud on the floor. Maybe you just threw Mom or some other heavy object on the floor.

Alright. I think Dad kicked me out. I thought the timing was appropriate because I couldn't stand all the yelling. Without a second thought I took the keys to the motorbike and totebag the lecture I just drove. Fuck my shower and break plans.

Mom was still crying on the floor as I opened the door violently. Don't forget I closed and locked my room. I don't want you to go in and destroy anything in it.

“Nah, good! This kid doesn't know himself coming out too!” greet Daddy cynical.

I do care. I'd better save some energy to help Mom. Want to regret anything, I still can not bear to see the condition of Mother like this.

“Mother, I'll go because I don't care. Why do we have to obey that guy?” i said loud. I purposely replied to his words by not considering them to exist.

“YAK! I'm your father! I'm the one who's got enough of you! If there was no me, you and your mother might have starved to death,” said Father emotionally.

After sitting Mom in the chair and hugging her for a while, I turned around. My eyes looked hatefully at the figure who claimed to be a father.

“Listen, yes. I'll just call you ‘Ayah’ when I think that person deserves me to call ‘Ayah’. And vou? You are not qualified at all. If you care enough about this family, why can't you take the time to tell stories and listen to us? Even having fun with other women who have nothing to do with us or you. We're not toys that you can manage. I don't even mind falling poor with Mom when I divorce you. Then this whole facility from you? It's bullshit! I saw Mom working all night when you weren't around. The only reason I'm sticking with you is because I want to have a complete family, which I can call ‘Ayah’ and ‘Ibu’ when I'm with someone else. He just couldn't have changed my status to be an orphan, not because he still loved you or needed your property. And you—”

THE PLAQUE!

My left cheek suddenly felt hot and sore. Dad slapped me as hard as he could. His slap stopped my tails who lived a sentence.

“Go you!” his word is full of emphasis.

I spent two seconds looking at the brown eyes I loved when I was a kid, not now. I don't know which demon could suddenly turn you so far.

“Alright,” I said finally, “enjoy your time at home while calming down. Thank you for the slap. This gift of course I will not forget all my life.”

Body turned. My hand tightened the grip on the totebag. My eyes are watering. However, the prestige restrained me from crying in front of Father and Mother.

“I hope Mom is okay,” I said while hugging Mom for a second, trying to strengthen Mom, “I go first.”

“Kheira ...,” isak Mother was unstoppable when my embrace slipped and my legs stepped away.

Even if I don't look anymore. Tears have fallen since I left the dining room. I don't know where I'm going, I just want to get away from home. I don't know until when.

***

Know-how I've arrived in front of the SLSY Secretariat. It's the only place that comes to my brain when I need another shelter other than home. After I parked my duck bike neatly, I moved on.

The matter on the cheek is still I guess even though almost half an hour has already passed. My eyes also sometimes still seep when I thought I accidentally remembered the quarrel earlier. It's not my first day in a fight with Mom and Dad. However, Dad's slap really made me realize that he was not the same person, who loved me wholeheartedly or wore shoes when I was a child.

I let out a breath. Maybe it's time for me and Mom to let Dad go to someone else who deserves it more than us.

I tiptoed, took the key to the door that used to be placed on the frame. Intended to open it until I realized it wasn't locked. Ah, maybe the last person forgot to lock it. After this I just have to check the contents of the room to see if something is missing.

Lights on. Fan ignited. I was ready to reflect on my fate when my stomach sounded softly. Shit, I'm starving. I forgot to bring something I could eat. Wanting to go out to buy food was lazy and embarrassed. I am so lazy because I am so tired. Shame from careless eyes and bruised cheeks is not cool to be proud of. Be I look at the contents of the refrigerator, who knows there is food or at least milk that Keenan put yesterday.

The voila! Keenan has always been my savior. Packaged vanilla milk is still untouched by anyone, still intact in the refrigerator. I quickly finished the milk in five straws. My stomach still feels empty, but the milk was enough. Next time I'll change the milk I drank without the owner's knowledge.

Thought I was working, they reworked my family's quarrel today. My brain is still guessing what's wrong with us. Everything really made me tired, including my race to Keenan.

I'm honestly tired. Pretending to be a good person with no problems turned out to be more difficult than I imagined. Although I admit it's harder to be the one who looks okay even though the heart screams loudly.

Ah, care deeply about Father and Mother who will not stop arguing or feelings for Keenan who never give up even though I have been forced.

My eyes feel heavy. After weeping, the sleepiness began to approach. I put my head on the table. I was ready to fall asleep when the secretariat door suddenly opened wide.

“You didn't come home?” tanyanya. This familiar baritone voice.

Half-conscious I answered no. My sleepiness is completely unstoppable. My lips were still reluctant to speak until I did not raise my head when I answered them. I feel ashamed to show him my situation.

“Yeah, why your cheek?” ask again with more surprise. He panicked for a moment because I did not respond. Then came out after playing his smart phone for a minute.

Maybe he just saw my bruised left cheek. I myself do not know how bad the bruise is even though the pain is still I think until now. As I recall, it seemed like my cheeks just turned red. I don't know, what's important now is that I can fall asleep first.

I was only ten minutes asleep. Someone once again entered while opening the door wide. My eyes are—though still closed—indeed very sensitive to light squeaking and then slowly open. For the sake of finding his ready figure with a basin, handkerchief, and ice cubes, my forehead frowned.

“What do you want?” tanyaku. My eyes blinked a few times to gather the rest of the consciousness. Until I could sit with my head raised, he would sit on my left.

“Why you? Got robbed?” ask Keenan curiously. For a moment he put the ice stone into the basin and then wet and squeeze his handkerchief with ice water. “Sitting is right. Face me and hold the pain,” he added while sliding my shoulders to sit facing him.

Slowly, he compresses my cheek. Occasionally he wet and squeezed it again as the cold began to dissipate. So it continued until it felt like my cheek was numb from the cold. As much as I can avoid looking into his eyes

“Why not go home after the event? Not tired?” tanyanya slowly. Maybe he knows I'm not so excited about this. “Udah to eat?” continued again.

I nodded to answer all his questions. Looks like I'll have to lie again to answer all the questions. “I ... forgot to bring home key. The door was locked so I couldn't get in.”

Turning with me, he nodded. After ten minutes of compressing, he smeared my bruised marks with ointment. “Completed. After this we find food first yuk. I'm also laper, hehe,” he said as he closed the ointment, “what would you like to eat? I am the one who treat. Uh, but the way I got in the car. Yesterday I was able to go home and change the car because I had to take a catering service for the home. So until now still use the car deh.”

“You're the one who left. I want to be alone,” reject me. Keenan does care about my appearance like this. Swollen eyes, bruised cheeks with ointment, and my shabby clothes were completely inappropriate for traveling with him to any restaurant.

“Mana can do that,” object fast, “we order via drive-thru and eat in the car aja deh. I'll take you to a quieter place than this. Okay?”

Two seconds of silence, I finally shook my head. Maybe the offer wasn't a bad idea. Especially if I am hungry.

Keenan kept his promise. After buying food, he took me somewhere in the Gombel area. This area is a hilly area that is usually crowded at the turn of the new year because it can see the entire city of Semarang. Many cafes and stalls are established in the area by offering the beauty of the night sky of Semarang City. However, on a normal day the area is not much visited.

The place we visited was not a cafe or shop, but the unused back area belonged to a fairly old hotel. Keenan said the area is usually used for the celebration of the new year, but is left on a regular day. Although not very clean and neat, but the place is good enough to see the city from a distance.

Like understanding me, Keenan let me eat in silence. That twilight he accompanied me sat quietly on the hood of the car while enjoying the wind that blows slowly. This calmness helped me recover from painful memories of my parents and my pretense. It seems I have to change some of the way I survive. I don't want to keep feeling stuffy like this.

I don't know what to do about my parents. They're out of my control. But I know what to do after this. I got all this stuff because I kept holding back my feelings. I had to stop pretending immediately, taking off my mask that was always smiling was fine. There shouldn't be a problem even if people know I'm not perfect. Especially with my being never seen. Maybe I should be grateful because that way I don't need to feel always noticed and commented on.

One by one the lights down there started to light up. The sun was almost completely sunk, but I was still reluctant to get out of this place. Keenan also seemed to not mind if he had to accompany me any longer.

Keenans. I still wonder why this man is almost always there in my difficult times. Even when Jessie and Keana can't and don't know anything like this right now. Half of which I am grateful because he has equal portions of kindness for everyone.

“I lied,” I said filling deserted. Most of the house lights in the city down there are already on. “My house is not locked and I did not forget to bring the key,” continued when Keenan began to focus on me, “my parents quarreled. This time I was their reason. What you treated earlier was Dad's slap. I couldn't stand it, so I got out of the house. No other place, just the secretariat. I even owe one box of white milk to you.”

Keenan was silent, still waiting for my sentence that might not be over yet. It was as if he really knew how to treat me.

“That's not the first, their quarrel has started since five years ago,”. Suddenly I felt like telling Keenan a lot of things. Even if after this he thinks I'm crazy or keeps me away, I don't care. At least I don't have to pretend anymore in front of him. There is at least one person who really knows me. “Are you really as happy as you look?”

Keenan laughing. “Ya and no. I am happy, but not that happy. I just assumed my problems were wind then. You know why I can do this?” the question I answered with a sleeve, “that's because I believe all problems will be solved, either by me or by time. I believe God will help me. Verily He never left us.”

I was stunned to hear his words. The answer seemed to resuscitate how far I was from God. Besides, I always thought that all the problems I had to solve by myself. I struggled so hard to look perfect, even before God. Now God asks me to surrender to Him, to test my imperfections.

“I'm concerned about your parents. All these changes should make you stronger. Think of it as a patience exercise so you know what to adapt to deal with it. Whenever you need peace, you can take me. I can be a friend you trust,” he said again with a smile.

I think I just had a friend this time. To the extent that my tears are dripping because of haru. I nodded, agreeing. My happiness to be his real friend is bigger than my imagination to be his special person. Maybe now I don't need to demand more from him. I was so grateful to have a friend by my side when I fell.

“Thank you,” I said hoarse, “I even want to cry again.”

***