Baed Alzawaj (After Marriage)
Lord... To you I surrender..

***If being white makes me look, I want to be black, which is always a stain in your beautiful colors...

I want to be around you all the time so you realize I exist.

Lord... I surrender***...

•┈••••○❁❁○••••┈•

My name is Dayana Amore, but it's usually called Day.

Long story short, I am a mother who has three daughters.

My eldest daughter is Zahara Ghaitsaa Daneen or I used to greet Zahra, and my two twins are named Zura Shahzaadee Alamsyah and Yura Shahzaanaa Alamsyah or I used to greet Zura and Yura.

I am a Nausea.

At that time I was so moved to trust because of someone who supported me. There are so many different things that I find in my religion today. I admire a woman who has a duty to take care of her aura. I was amazed by the many things he explained.

My husband is someone I trust will teach me about this religion if I marry him later. I was so grateful back then when she was present in my past life full of dark stories.

He was the light in the darkness of my world all along.

I believed at that time he would love me forever because I knew he understood Islam very well.

He made me fall in love at our first meeting. There is something inside of him that makes me interested in liking him. He's so different. I thought that falling in love and marrying her was the best option after my previous failure.

But it turns out that after I lived with him, everything was much different from the reality that was desired. It feels bitter that reality.

My life is ordinary, I am a working mother with a position as Administrative Manager in one of the famous consulting offices in the city of Tanjungpinang.

When viewed from the glasses of others, I am a very lucky woman because I have a husband who in fact is a businessman in the field of Advertising and Printing Books and Magazines.

Yes ....that is what others see from the outside, but how is my life in this story? I'll tell you to make my story an interesting one to take as a lesson.

*****

During the three years of marriage, our household was doing well, walking as a household in general.

The problem arose in the fourth year of our marriage.

The fire never faded until the end of our story.

The more problems that arise that I myself do not understand why everything turned out like this.

The problem grew even more when my husband's finances and business began to decline due to fraud cases of fellow business partners.

Plus the habit of my husband who began to be more busy with his salary and even cold and indifferent which increasingly showed more and more indecision towards me. He even confessed about his first love.

Incision after incision is increasingly popping up, even our marriage began to be on the verge of destruction.

One of the top problems is when Dayana realizes that Rofie never loved her.

It turns out that she was just an impingement due to a past failure of Rofie's first love.

How's the story going???

This is where my story begins ...

*****

04 May 2017

This morning was my usual activity. Wake up early to get ready to go to the office. And also busy preparing clothes for my husband who will go to the office as well. Plus giving messages to my baby sitter what are the activities of my eldest son Zahra and what are needed by my twins Zura and Yura.

At that time things were still fine. Nothing caused my husband and I to argue. But that's how it is ... We haven't talked to each other for a long time. It was as if we didn't know each other and also didn't need to chat or talk to each other. Everything seems indifferent.

I still do my duty as a wife. As usual, I am still preparing for my husband's needs. Starting from the tip of the hair to the tip of his foot. I do everything as usual. Starting from preparing my husband's clothes for work. Until breakfast, even my husband's shoes bag even I handle myself as my duty as a wife.

Before leaving for the office, my husband and I were fine. We were still chatting as usual. But everything changed when I accidentally saw my husband's screen with a picture of a woman. Beautiful women wear glasses. Her face is so graceful.



I looked carefully at who that woman really was. Turns out my husband is opening an instgram profile. It says a name.

"Puspa Ningsih."

I started to remember the name of the woman. When I wanted to borrow his salary, my husband swiftly took his salary from my hand. The reason he wants to call his client for a morning meeting. I know my husband did it intentionally. So that I lose track of who that woman really is.

He's got it wrong. I am also a social media user. It wasn't hard for me to find out who the woman was when I also had the same social media account. I started skating on my Instagram account. I type in the search field the name, the woman's name. A lot of accounts popped up, until I finally found the woman's account.

Maybe it's luck to me. It turned out that his account was not in private. It turns out that his account was made public. So I can see what the woman's post is about. It was only fitting that my husband could easily check the woman's account. His account is not in private.

The content of the post is not so much, maybe only about three. Even if I were a man then, maybe, I would fall in love when I saw him. If I give a rating of one to ten, he's eighth.

I saw who he was following, he was following my husband's account. I checked back, did my husband follow his account as well? I moved to find my husband's account. I opened his account profile. Still clearly displayed there are photos of my wedding and also our togetherness first. Photos that will envy all eyes that see. But the truth is, it's not that beautiful.

My husband likes to post everything about his life. Starting from her work today, what she did today, even almost her posts are now overpowered by photos of my twin babies. He said he was proud to have twins. My photos are just a few in his account. Maybe he accidentally posted it.

I don't know ... I don't know either.

I see who my husband follows on Instagram. Niente. My husband didn't follow the woman's account. Very amusing. Not following but often stealing glances. It really doesn't make any sense. If he is still a hobby to pay attention to the woman, why not just follow her. Funny is the nature of men today.

I skated back on the woman's Instagram account until I was distracted by a post at the bottom. There was my husband's name in his comment column. A terrible sentence I never imagined. My heart hurts reading it. There my husband wrote a poignant sentence that I had never imagined.

A sentence of treason.

"I miss your smile. How could I possibly be far away from you?"

As my husband wrote in his comment.

The striking sentence was written on a photo of the woman's post. A photo of a very beautiful place. The place was filled with flying air balloons. As I recall, this is like an area in Turkey. I don't know. Maybe I guessed wrong.



The place is so beautiful. Like the mood of the afternoon. Maybe when the twilight will come. When the atmosphere is sunset. So romantic.

I re-read that comment column. They were commenting there. That's grand. Not friends but mutual comments.

I read again the comment from the woman. The sentence is quite interesting. Just a sentence, but it gives a claustrophobic effect when I read it.

"You remember this place A? This is where we first made our promise. I miss the memories of that night."

As soon as the writing is in the reply column.

"Astaghfirullah hal adzim. Oh my God, what did my husband do with this woman?"

I jerked. My eyes are glazed. I really want to cry.

*****

My husband came back to the dinner table after going ahead to call his client. He still hasn't seen my face. Still busy typing on the flat object screen. He wasn't trying to look at me at all. By then, my eyes were completely red. If I hadn't held on so hard, her tears would have been soaring.

He started to rebuke me. I asked why I was not eating my breakfast. I'm speechless. I didn't reply to her reprimand just now. Honestly, I still hold back my anger and resentment. I'm disappointed. But I tried to shake my race so that my husband would not see my sorrow. I answered her too late.

"Afwan A, rush to the office now. Just now Secretary Day sent a message. Day there is a meeting schedule with colleagues from Malaysia, so must immediately go to the office."

I lied to him.

As strong as possible I hold my tears so that not even a little dripping in front of him. I salami his hand to go to work. I kissed my three children. Then I quickly quickened my footstep towards the car and got into it.

Defense jebol. I was crying in the car. I don't care about my makeup and khimar getting wet with tears. My heart is already sick.

I turned on the car and immediately walked out of the yard. On the way to the office. My tears never stop. It's even more flowing.

"Who is that woman? And what's he got to do with my husband? How far are their relationships?"

I murmured in my heart.

*****

So many questions popped into my head. My mind is blank. The mood for work is no longer there. But because of my responsibility. I also have to keep working today. My promise to meet a colleague is impossible for me to cancel just because of this problem.

I parked my car to a side of the road. I don't care if I'm a little late by a few minutes. Importantly, I needed a little time to cry and improve my mood and makeup. There's no way I should meet a colleague with this kind of face and appearance.

About fifteen minutes passed. I feel quite satisfied crying. Then I cleaned my face with a wet tissue and I used the makeup back to cover my eyes. My face is really messed up. I have to use additional makeup on the eyes to make the swelling disguised.

After I think my makeup is done. I replaced my stained khimar with a new khimar. I always prepare extra gamis and khimar in the car. So that if at any time I need, I do not have to bother looking everywhere.

I speed up my car to get to the office immediately. I'm already too late. Fortunately, when I got to the office, they hadn't arrived. They also arrived late for something. I was lucky again.

Our meeting was a success. I have always been the prima donna of office pride if in the business of seizing the hearts of colleagues. I will always succeed in getting clients who always pay high for the services we provide. That's why my career has been increasing.

*****

I decided that afternoon to ask my husband. I sent him a short message.

[Assalamu'alykum A, where's Aa?"]

I asked to open the chat.

My message was read a long time ago. I'm used to my husband's attitude towards me. Not for the first time he's been replying to my message for so long. Even after a few days of reply, I've felt it.

"Maybe he's busy. So I can't get back to my message."

Bathinku.

I put my salary on the nightstand. I'll continue to check the report that needs to be sent today. Half an hour later, my husband returned my message.

"Waa'alaykumussalam wa rahatulli wa barakatuh alas. Aa office. It's been busy today. What's the matter, honey, you ask?"

Begitu balasnya dipesan.

I'm gobsmacked. He was completely unaware of my broken heart this morning because of it. He acted as if nothing had happened. Though I was well aware, she found out that I saw what she was doing in her car this morning before leaving for the office. But he acted as if nothing had happened. Once again, I was amazed by his attitude.

I reply to the message immediately.

"Oh so. Aa, can Day ask?"

I sent that message.

A few moments later, my message was answered.

"Why not dear. What do you want to ask?"

Reply again ordered.

I honestly hesitate to type this message. But because of my curiosity. I asked this to my husband.

"Whose picture was that A you saw at breakfast? Is she a woman? If so, who is he?"

Write ordered.

My husband returned my message for a long time. Maybe he was looking for an excuse to answer my message. Then he returned it.

"Woman who's dear? I don't take pictures of anyone. Maybe it was a friend on Aa's account who accidentally popped up in the sign. Are you jealous, baby ?"

Once ordered.

"It's too far for him. This is the answer."

I murmured in my heart.

I am not satisfied with my husband's answer. If you ask again, it will end in a fight. So I chose to end this conversation.

"Maybe also yes Aa. Maybe Day's wrong to see."

That's how I got my order.

"My husband has started lying to me."

I put my salary back in gear. I was pretty upset with my husband's answer. Once he lied to me.

I'll take my salary back.

I sent a message to my mother.

[Mom, if Day files for divorce from Aa Rofie, is Day wrong?]

I sent that short message to my mother.

Half an hour later. Mom replied to my message.

[Why are you Day? What's the matter? Pick up your phone for a second son, I'll talk.]

Once ordered.

Moments later, a nickname came in from him. On my watch screen, my mother's name came up. I raised the call from him. My mother started talking to me a lot.

[Day, are you sure of your decision?] reprimanding mother when asking for my belief when sending a short message earlier that said will divorce.

[Day is sure ma'am, my heart feels unable to hold on.]

Answering his potluck while holding back a hiccup for holding back the sound of crying.

[But day, how will your children be? Will Rofie give you a full living?]

Ask mom again with a worried tone.

I was silent, breathing..

And continue speaking.

[If it's my children's sustenance ma'am, he'll give it, but if it doesn't, day sincerely ma'am, go through all this]

My answer is trying hard.

[Do'a I'm with you day, may your choice this time be right son]

Mother's reply strengthened me.

I ended the conversation on the phone and put my salary on the nightstand next to my laptop.

Thinking back to how the fate of my twins and the firstborn.

"I'm God, I can do it."

Bathinku.

Returning to continue my work that was delayed, because the office break was over.

*****

15.30 WIB

Gawaiku.

[Day, can you come to my room?]

Fill in whatsapp messages from my boss.

[Okay sir, Day there.]

Short reply.

It feels that if I obey my heart, I am reluctant to meet Mr. Pradana, it feels lazy to answer questions for the sake of questions that he will give later when he meets me, but avoidance also feels impossible. He would keep asking until he found the answer

Pradana was my boss, and she was my best friend in college.

He is a great man who I admire a little for his generous attitude and also sholeh, even he is the one who always advises me when I get late in any problem. She was always the first person to be sensitive to the ripples of my face.

Pradana is what actually makes my heart interested in the religion of Islam, through his habit of every day diligent to the mosque and following the activities of Rohis made me become close to him at that time.

I knocked on the door and opened the glass door.

"Sorry sir, did you call me?"

My toot.

"Yes, come in Day, come here."

Answer's straightforward.

"What's up, sir?"

"Day, what else are you doing?" fighting again with Rofie? Why else would you?"

Ask streak.

"It's okay Pre, I'm the same A Rofie is fine."

Answer lies.

"Don't lie to Day, you just called me, you said you wanted a divorce with Rofie, was that a day?"

Ask again and keep looking for answers.

I bowed, shut up and looked at my screen without seeing Pradana's face.

"Why are you silent Day, answer me, what's the matter?"

The question is getting more curious.

I still choose to be quiet and look back on my way, take a deep breath and say..

"I'm tired Pre, I can't afford all this. You'll understand if you're a woman too, and you've had a marriage like that."

Reply potluck.

"God hates divorce Day, and divorce is not the solution to your problems. I know what Day is like, and this isn't you."

Pradana.

Pradana's words just now felt like it was raining down on my heart, giving an effect of sadness, but I tried to hold back my tears from falling in front of him. I feel like I'm falling down with his words.

"I can't stand A Rofie, Pra."

" I cannot be a wife. I've finished our conversation Pre, there's a report deadline I need to finish."

"Please support my decision. You're my only close friend right now."

My answer ended the conversation.

"Yeah it's Day, come back to your room. I'm sorry for asking so many questions."

Balas Pradana.

He smiled, nodded and gestured, letting me out of the room.

I stood up, passed through the glass door and returned to my room.

I feel tightness in my chest, I feel like I'm stuck with my own decision.

All this time I tried to survive with his attitude, but it feels like I have been unable to survive with his behavior that changes every day.

"O Allah, was my decision wrong this time?"

I murmured in my heart.

He fell down in front of the laptop and rubbed the end of my eyes that began to shed tears.

I sniffled in silence.

*****

18.15 WIB

Upon arrival home.

"Assalamu'alaykum, the tumben has returned A?"

I asked when I opened the door to see a Rofie in the viewing room.

"Waa'alaykumussalam wa rahatulli wa barakatuh, already Neng, five o'clock was Aa was free job, the printing has been in the same handle Kang Yadi and Jamal, so Aa went home first."

My husband explained.

"Yeah already then, Day parted to the room, wanted to take a shower, sultry. Zahra's twins where's A?"

I asked while sweeping around the view in the viewing room because I did not see my children.

"Sama Bi Arum Neng, in the gazebo again playing."

My husband answered briefly.

"Ohhh so, yes already atueh A, Neng pamit bath all want to pray magrib already late because later on the road, Aa already pray?"

I asked again while looking at my husband.

"Already Neng, Aa has prayed."

The answer is short, while returning to focus on typing on the board of his device.

Sighs.

I'm elapsed.

*****

That's how I've been with my husband, we're doing fine it looks. Sometimes we even talk like a husband and wife,

Yet...

Until now, no matter what my husband was about, I never knew it at all because my husband was reluctant to share stories about his habits and busyness.

While I was, I was reluctant to ask many things other than a brief greeting with her. My husband would never answer any of the questions I asked, if it was personal.

He will avoid answering, then switch the conversation to another chat. It was as if there was a boundary of a great wall that my husband had created in the first place. But only now do I realize the existence of the great wall. I was late to realize that.

At the beginning of the marriage, I thought, it was fine to live a household life like this, but over time, I was saturated with my husband's flat attitude towards me. He would only ask if he wanted to. He would only give something special if he wanted to. And he'll only be kind to me if that's what he wants today.

If today she was so sweet and kind to me, then the next day she would be rude to me and even avoid me like I am a real person in her life. And it will repeat itself every day.

Like married life in general, I long for the special attention of my husband, but my husband, he is just busy with his device and work. No day without his hands detached from the device.

I'm trying to understand his position as a young entrepreneur, however...

Does an entrepreneur always have to be tied to his salary??? That is what is now beginning to tease my little heart repeatedly.

For a little romantic and asking what I liked was he reluctant now, that's how my husband is today. I had his attention, once...

At the beginning of our introduction, he was the most mature and warm man I had ever known. All of his words sounded so sweet and convincing. But somehow, at the age of our marriage that runs three years, his attitude began to show changes, he began to avoid me more often. Even talking to me more often through short messages and phone calls. Without face to face.

*****

19.30 WIB

Gawaiku.

[Neng, Aa come out for a while, there are clients who want to meet.]

Fill whatsapp my husband to me.

I looked at whatsapp. Typing quickly and immediately replying to the message.

[Na'am. Fii Amanillah my husband.]

Repalasku.

I open my face immediately. Tidying up the prayer mat and also putting my prayer in the closet.

This time my dhikr and the recitation of my prayer was a little longer than usual due to the turmoil in my heart. So many unpleasant things I've just been through lately. Just the expanse of prayer that helped me to continue living, I was completely exhausted by all the things that happened.

I'm dying, but invisible to the eye. My surroundings were dark and had no light, but I had to endure and continue to live through all of these things. I have to learn strong.

On the one hand, I was afraid of my decision to divorce. But on the other hand, I was tired of my husband's attitude towards me all this time. He has become a stranger to me.

Change clothes.

Wear dusty blue colored robe and wear matching colored khimar. A little bit of wearing a nude-colored lipstick so as not to look pale

Step out of this bone-white room and immediately go down through some stairs that are soft brown typical teak wood color.

Walk and walk slowly to the gazebo. Seeming from a distance the elder was engrossed with his coloring book and bi arum was accompanying the twins who were busy watching the gold fish who were eating in the shower pool located in front of the garden gazebo.

"God is Mami's son, what else is son?"

Sapaku to the elder, Zahra.

"Again the Mi. Brother likes to color flowers." Answer the elder with a big smile with a mouth full of chocolate.

"Good son, beautiful flower Brother." Balasku praised the messy color because he colored the flowers with a very bright red color and colored the stems and leaves with green color mixed with black and brown.

All colors come out of the coloring position. More worth saying messy and untidy.

However ...

That's how my firstborn is. He loves colorful pencils. And this is the result of his umpteenth time.

"Beauty Mi, like Mami and Brother."

The answer was full of enthusiasm.

"Yes, my dear God, the flowers are beautiful like a sister."

I reply to praise.

He smiled more and more while continuing to chew the chocolate that began to melt around his finger.

"Son't you eat my son?"

I asked the firstborn again.

"Silver has eaten Mi, was eating spicy. My sister likes to eat spicy. I also like to eat ice cream. Mommy's buying ice cream for Brother, no Mi?"

Ask streak.

"Maa shaa Allah sinter once son of Mami ... Not yet Nak, Mami has not had time to buy eskrim sister, In shaa Allah tomorrow we buy equally yes Nak. Mami's gonna have to go home early tomorrow."

I answered while smiling at him.

"Promise ya Mi. Thanks Mami. Dear sister Mami."

She stopped coloring, ran towards me standing up and hugged my waist.

That's how my eldest son Zahra behaved. She would immediately run to hug me when she asked for something and immediately hug me back so tightly when I promised to buy her anything she asked for.

My treatment is a little special to Zahra because she doesn't have a real father. Zahra was my son with my ex-husband in the past before marrying my current husband.

I held back Zahra's embrace.

He passed and resumed coloring activities while smiling widely at me while revealing rows of his teeth scattered with chocolate. It's funny how this five-year-old behaves. So adorable.

I approached Stroller the twins who were watching the fish in the shower.

"Bik, let Day take care of the twins for a while, Bibik eat first."

Sapaku rebukes Bik Arum, my three children's baby sitter.

"Good ma'am, I'm stepping inside."

Reply Bik Arum as it passes.

"I'm sorry Mami Nak, bad Mami. Give Mami the power so that Mami is no longer wrong in stepping."

I looked at my twins and looked at Zahra from the pool.

Unknowingly, I came back crying.

*****

That's how I do it at home. I will only briefly greet my husband when he accidentally comes face to face. We will be a foreign couple again next time. I deliberately showed that I was busy, when in fact, I just thought somewhere even just staring blankly at the laptop screen that opened in front of me. None of my work is done. I was just trying to encourage myself because of this emptiness.

I will only see the face of my Husband in the room, when midnight accidentally woke up because the twins Zura and Yura woke up asking for ASI. More often, I didn't see his face for a few days. The reason is always the same. Busy with new business partners. Or busy with new work. His business and colleagues are far more important than me. It's so sad it feels.

We had been separated from our bed for a long time, even though we had one room.

My husband would sleep on a single bed in the corner of the room, while me and my three children slept on a king-sized main mattress. Which will look a lot of rest because I'm the only adult who sleeps in this mattress.

Since I gave birth to my second child, my husband decided to sleep in a different bed with us. The reason is because Zahra is reluctant to sleep in the room if my husband sleeps in the same bed as me. On the one hand I confirmed his statement. I don't know ... I am concerned with his change of attitude.

But I don't think that's an excuse. Yet already.

I did it and since then we parted mattresses when we slept. It's been ten months as per the age of my two twins. We slept in separate situations like this.

Has my husband ever come to me?

Frequent.

However ...

Later it will end in a fight and my husband will choose to sleep back on his single bed.

The causes of the fight also vary. One of them he often forced me to serve him. I hated him when he forced me in a pretty rough way because I didn't think getting married was worth starting out that way. I'm not just a lustful satisfier for him. I am his wife and partner. He should be able to put me in my position and understand what I am like. Not even acting rude.

I know my duties as a wife should be fulfilled. That was my husband's right when he was my husband. But I hate the way it's forced. I want it in a romantic way. I want to talk in a gentle way. All wives would want such treatment, not just me. But, I often get unpleasant treatment. More of a sense of compulsion than my sincere taste. How shiny.

My husband never hit me. Touching me in a very rude way never. Especially if he never raised his hand. But, when the tongue spoke, it was much sharper than a knife. It was his words that always hurt my heart without him noticing. That's the bad side I ended up knowing when we got married. He was never rude with his attitude. But everything was seen through his spontaneous speech. How sadistic.

He often turns into someone else at night.

Sometimes he is so romantic. Give sweet surprises suddenly. Giving a kiss and a sudden warm hug. Kissing my forehead so warmly that I fall in love again. The point is a lot of sweet treatment, suddenly just appeared without me asking.

But the next day, he will return to be a stranger as usual. Suddenly it was loud and rough on me. I don't even hesitate to say sarcasm to myself. As far as I can remember, she never admitted that her words hurt my heart. He never admitted it.

I was so scared to see my husband's face that night, for some reason. Like seeing a ghost. But the next day my fear disappeared. Like it never happened before. Replacing with a feeling of longing that is very like never met before. Weird right? I feel the same way.

I once thought, was my household deliberately tested by others with malicious media?

But I'm clutching all my stupid thoughts. Because percayaku ...

Nowadays there has never been such a thing.

*****

That's how it's been going on and on until the last ten months I feel. He'll be good this day then the next day will be back rough and cold. Like a psychopath in my opinion.

Until finally I dared to say to separate my husband because of his harsh words that said sharp to me.

At that time without knowing the cause and why suddenly my husband was angry with me, scolding me with a very rude speech without me knowing what my mistake was.

"Your headscarf is big, but your behavior is inversely proportional. Your face alone looks innocent but your behavior is so low, like a despicable and cheap woman."

"Koranakk."

The door closed hard.

That's how he said while leaving me in the room.

I shut up and cried.

That's how my husband sometimes behaves. More often, other harsh words will come out of his tongue as his mood worsens.

And me? I would be silent without any expression in front of her, showing that I was fine and did not care about her rude speech just now.

I will cry when he leaves before me. He hurt my heart too often with his tongue. Am I stupid? Maybe not, maybe so. I just haven't found the right time to step up. I am still at war with my heart. I was still defeated by the magnitude of that feeling of love. So stupid.

If it's so hard I feel the pain in my heart. Then I'll run to the toilet soon. Immediately ablaze and organize my prayer rug. Claim to God in my bow. Crying will break in a third of the night every day. I'm so fragile.

I'm hurt by my husband's outrageous changes. I was hurt by his immoral rude speech. If his mood was bad, he could tell me.

He always stayed away from me. As if I never thought I was in his life. Should a husband behave like that?

" god.. I surrender to you.."

Seriate...