Baed Alzawaj (After Marriage)
If I have eyes, then I can see...

**Sayup - the glow is starting to fade ...

A powerless longing, if I could sing, then I would sing aloud ...

Love, look at me here ...

I'm waiting for you** ...

•┈••••○❁❁○••••┈•

June 6th, 2017

It felt really tired and did not want to continue this stupid story, but circumstances forced me to continue my story ..

Is it because of him?

No. gabe.

I love him as my husband. Even though her attitude has never been kind to me lately, I still and still love my husband very much.

But ... To continue to live in ignorance and lies, I began to be bored and tired ... Even to think about many things I began to get tired once ...

"Maybe I'd better keep quiet and calm my mind, I don't even breathe. I'd rather be absent from the office today. It feels lazy to get out of bed."

bathinku.

I sent a short message to my secretary. I am so lazy to wake up today. It felt like there was a heavy burden hanging on my head and shoulders, I was unable to move.

Fifteen minutes later, he answered my message.

[Good ma'am, I'll reset today's schedule. After tomorrow we have a meeting in Jakarta ma'am, can mother attend this meeting? or do I have to rearrange the schedule?] the reply was ordered.

I looked at my screen..

"God, I forgot the meeting."

Immediately I typed in another message to my secretary and sent it right away.

[Shaa Allah Ning, I forgot. Fortunately, you reminded. Arrange my meeting tomorrow for a meeting with our staff yaa Ning. In the Lord tomorrow I have re-entered Ning. Thank you for reminding me.]

my reply was ordered.

[Good ma'am, I'll do.]

reply brief.

*****

If only I could still be out for a long time, I'd love to not go in for much longer. There's nothing interesting I want to do but fall in the room. Maybe, if it could disappear, for a moment I want to disappear and move to a place that does not require me to feel pain and even sadness. A place where I would only think of beautiful things. Unknowingly, I recalled the story of my childhood.. 

My daydreams are getting farther away. Trying to recall the story of my childhood a few years ago. The pieces of the story that made me who I am now. Even if my story is full of tears, I'm really happy. Even though the economic situation of my family at that time was fairly short-lived. It's almost very difficult.

I still remember clearly when we were only able to share a plate of food for the four of us to eat that day. At that time, my mother only had three thousand rupiah in her hand. We could only afford a pack of boiled noodles and a chicken egg. I still remember clearly when the noodles were cooked and then mixed with eggs. It turns out that the noodles are only enough to be eaten alone.

Then suddenly my mother said to me and my sister who was standing at the kitchen door.

" Just eat this noodle for the two of you, son. Eat with your sister. I ate, so I still feel full. Forgive me, son, today we can only eat boiled noodles mixed with eggs. I can't buy you rice today. I don't have any more money to buy rice."

Mother said again when my sister and I asked her what she was cooking in the kitchen.

I looked at my mother's face at the time. There is a sadness I cannot interpret. Mom wanted to cry, her eyes were red and watery. But she held back her tears from dripping in front of me and my sister. Maybe he didn't want to show us his heart at the time. Mom was really good at hiding her sadness from all of us.

At that time, I was still small. Probably still in elementary school. My sister was also very small at the time. I keep watching my mother's face. Then moved to see the face of my sister who looked very hungry. Once upon a time he was a child but had to often feel hunger because of our lives. I shook my head in a sign of disagreement with my mother's words. I stood up and walked into the kitchen and picked up another plate and spoon.

I gave it to my mother and said.

" No ma'am, I don't want to eat alone. This brother has taken a plate and also a spoon. We eat together mom, sister and dad. If you eat a lot, later brother even stomach pain mom. We eat together, ma'am, be fair."

Answers explained.

" Said Miss Master, if we eat, we must share if the home of many people. There are a lot of people in our house, right, Mom? There's a mother, there's a sister, there's a brother and there's a father. If we eat together, we will be full together, right mom?"

Answer me again to my mother.

My mother just nodded. I remember that day, my mother shed her tears. It would be sad if I remembered my mother's face at the time. Because I was so small, there wasn't much I could do. I just kept staring at my mother's face until I held back my tears. My chest cavity feels tight.

I approached her and touched her cheek to wipe her tears while saying.

" Why are you crying? I'm sorry if you made me cry. I just want to say, I want to eat together. My sister doesn't eat by herself. Sorry, sister ma'am. Don't cry anymore, you'll be sad when you cry."

I hugged my mother tightly.

Sobbing there.

I don't know what made me sob at the time. All I remember was feeling so sad when I saw my mother cry. It's so sad it feels. This kind of thing happened a lot in my childhood. Enjoying eating rice with a sprinkling of salt and flavoring was never experienced by me. Even just eating cassava for a whole month I had ever felt, until I almost forgot what it was like to eat rice. So sad.

" Dear brother, don't cry. I'm proud of my sister, son. Great little brother. No, no more crying. Later the face of the ugly brother if crying continues, shame is ignored sister. Great kids can't be whiny, son. Now we eat ya. It's not good in front of eating we're sad. After all, the noodles have also expanded once, son. "

Reply mom while touching my head, gently rubbing and wiping my tears.

Mom kissed my forehead. Hugged my little sister tightly. My sister looks really hungry. He kept looking at our boiled noodle plate.

" Yes mother. Brother dear mother, dear sister and also dear father."

I replied while hugging my mother tightly.

*****

My mother is the woman I admire most at any time. My love for my mother cannot be explained in words. I really love this woman. Besides my children, mother is one of my life spirit to continue living life. Somehow my life if mom's not around.

There are many things that my mother taught me. About the sense of loyalty to accompany and receive a partner under any circumstances. Either he is rich or poor. In good health or in pain. Even my mother also taught me not to be a person who likes to hold a grudge, let alone say rude and even bad attitude towards others.

There are so many lessons I learned from my mother. My mother was a very strong woman. I often saw him crying alone in the room or in the kitchen when we were not around. I don't know what always makes you sad.

I've also seen him used to be humbled by others. Even being scolded, humiliated and underestimated by others my mother had experienced. But he never hated anyone who ever hurt his heart. Very good of him.

Once upon a time we really did not have the money to eat and pay the rent. That day, my mother looked very upset. Then my mother ventured to borrow money from the neighbors.

I know, at that time my mother was really confused. Already some houses I saw he went to look for a loan of money. From noon until it was already afternoon, he still had not found any money loans.

I remember that moment. Before getting a loan of money, my mother was cursed with a very rude sentence by the neighbor who gave the loan. I remember the cruel words that the woman said to my mother. A word I will never forget at any time. Even until now I have never forgotten the face of the woman who said the harsh word to my mother.

I remember her face clearly. As if it was embedded in my mind. If you recall, I wanted to hit that woman when I cursed my mother. It was just so bad the way he spoke at the time. But I didn't. I'm afraid my mother's getting insulted by that woman. Do I hate that woman? Answer .. No. gabe. 

I still remember the line that the woman said to my mother that day.

" You have no shame, Nur? Your job is just minjam money keep going here and there. Your loan debt was not paid yesterday, right? Now you want to owe me again? What will you pay off your debt later? You better bring a bowl and then you take your children to beg in the streets of Nur. Maybe you can get a lot of money because of the pity of people passing by. I until you*k see your face continue Nur. Are you not happy with another neighbor? Troubles your life once, Nur."

Say it while putting on a sour face and leaving the waist.

My heart was broken when I heard that woman's words to my mother. But, that's how my mother is. She's a great woman. Until whenever she was the greatest woman in my opinion.

My mother simply returned the vile remark of the woman with a smile. I know that smile is fake. He endured a deep sense of hurt.

Despite being insulted like that, my mother still asked for help. He continued to say the phrase for help repeatedly while clenching his two hands in the chest to be given a loan of fifty thousand rupiah for us to eat that day. My mom finally got her loan. But not a nominal of fifty thousand rupiah, the mother only get a loan of twenty thousand rupiah. Not worth the humiliation that mom gets. My poor mother.

From that moment on I promised myself that I didn't want to be a failure. I don't want to see my mother in constant distress. I continued to live my life with all the difficult trials I faced, and the results.. I finally got in this position. All this because of my strong will. Plus because of the millions of great do'a that my mother always asked her god. We can finally be in this position. Thank you mom, I love you.

*****

We also shared food. Our boiled noodle plate is divided into four parts and then eaten together because the noodles are very fluffy. It doesn't taste so good anymore either. But since my family and I were very hungry, we ate the food very well. Like eating a serving of meat, it tastes good.

If you remember, it was very difficult for my life at that time. Even for tomorrow's meal we still don't know. Since my father went bankrupt, we have been forced to live in a state of fit and even can be said to be very lacking and concerned.

My mother was forced to stop working because she had to take care of my sister who was very small at the time. After my sister was about five years old, I started going with my mother to sell crackers and cakes. Mom made a lot of kinds of kampung cakes, and then I'll sell them to small stalls. Slowly our family began to have income again. Although not as much as when I was a businessman first. 

While my father, he was a weekly motorbike tenant. So the motorbike he rented, he made a motorbike to become a traveling motorcycle taxi driver. The results of his project were used as money for daily meals and for mother's business capital. That was our life at the time. When I was a kid, I struggled to help my family make money.

I saw my mother being scolded by people I didn't know. They scolded even said rudely to mother while pointing at mother's face. I saw my mother's face during the incident, and she continued to talk while not stopping to say sorry.

Last I remember, a woman scolded me with a very rough tone and almost slapped my face if I didn't come and hold her hand. It would be sad if I remembered that moment. Human morality can be lost only because of money. Even the heart to oppress others just because of the rupiah sheet. Frighteningly.

Since I was a child, my family has taught me to always be kind to others even if they are bad to me. I always remember my mother's message at that time, she always advised me and my sister so that we were always diligent in studying and going to school. So that later when we grow up, we don't live like our parents.

My mother also taught me and my sister to always be honest wherever we are and to always be humble and even light-handed in giving and helping others. Mother always said, if we give often then later God will always repay our kindness and I proved all mother's words are true. 

Maybe our lives used to be so hard. Whenever the time of payment of tuition arrived, I was always a subscription student who was called to the Master's room for delinquent SPP payment for many months. I never went to rapot in school, my rapot was detained by the teacher for not paying the obligation when I first entered school.

It was sad when all my friends smiled happily because they saw the results of the rapot. But not with me. I'll definitely get my rapes a month or maybe two months after the rapping split. At the earliest, after two weeks of division. That's if I'm lucky.

For matters of class rank and good grades, I always get above average grades. I've always been a champion in the class, even the lowest rank I'm still in the top three. My sister and I are always racing to show you who's smarter than you and your mom. We often compete in terms of being class champions. Especially in Mathematics and English lessons, we always compete.

I remember that day, my name was called to the front of the class because it was ranked the class champion and the general champion. But it has to end with tears and tears because my rapids were held for months. At that time we were hit by a disaster, my parents could not redeem my rapot immediately because my father was sick and could not work. Plus cakes and crackers selling mothers are less in demand for weeks.

It took an incredible struggle so that I could make up for my rapot back then. I have to help you sell until nightfall. Even the rainy day we were right to sell to collect money to redeem my rapot. I often do not go to school because there is no money for the cost of taking an angkot to school. So when I'm not in school, I help my mom sell cookies to stalls. It's just that mom has to work hard alone.

Every time I go to class, my friends will get new gifts like new uniforms and new shoes and even new bags and new books. But that didn't happen to me and my sister. Every class, we always wear the same uniform until graduation. School shoes are rarely bought. If someone generously buys it, it becomes a special gift for me and my sister. We have new shoes. But if no one gives, then we'll wear those shoes until school graduation. It's so shiny.

Once upon a time my socks were broken. So that the socks did not look damaged because the rubber was loose, I held the socks using a rubber band as a restraint so as not to sag down if I use going to school.

Result ... After coming home my calf legs are scarred and red, it hurts so much. Even if it is too long or the rubber is too tight, it feels very painful if taken walking.

I also used to wear shoes whose soles were broken on the soles of his feet. So when it rains, all my socks will be soaked and smell bad. It is sad to remember. Maybe even embarrassed. But mom always taught me to endure the rigors of this life.

I also enjoyed my hard times. I hide my troubles from others. Especially my close friends at school. And it turns out I managed to get to this point of achievement. I always take every good thing out of everything that happens in my life. Because usually it is difficult it teaches humans to be fighters and successful.  Thank God now my brother and I can make both our parents smile with our current achievements.

*****

Now my life, my sister and my family are so much better it can even be said to be very fulfilling. Now I'm the youngest Administrative Manager in a well-known consulting firm in my city. For the achievements so far, I was fairly young at my age of just twenty-seven years. With an s2 degree, I cantongi tittle a name with a Bachelor of Law degree, Master of Business Administration.

I was fairly young because of my hard work so far that kept trying and just focused on pursuing success, I finally reap the results now.  

My sister became the Manager of a famous hotel in the Bali Island Gods area. Because of his interest in the world of tourism, he chose a course in tourism and is now successful at the age of twenty-three years as the youngest Manager in a five-star hotel. That's a great bad boy now. I'm proud of him.

My mother and father were not busy with any work. They have become the owners of crackers and pastries stores that already have many branches throughout the island in my city and also some small cities in Indonesia. They are enjoying their old age now. I am so grateful for all the hardships I faced in my childhood, all of which taught me great lessons that have made me resilient until now.

*****

For a long time I pondered until finally my daydream was broken because of the cry of the twins who felt thirsty. I gave a bottle full of breast milk to both of my children. They stopped crying. Enjoyed the milk and went back to sleep again. It's so beautiful to be a baby.

While Zahra, the boy was still sleeping with the milk bottle stuck in his mouth. His habit since childhood is very difficult to lose. Every sleep should have a bottle of milk attached to his mouth. If not, she will cry in her sleep. Even until a hiccup sometimes until sobbing. So cassian.

I looked at my son's three faces.

"Yaa Allah, sanggupkah aku menjalani semua ini?"

I took a slow breath and then I breathed slowly.

I closed my eyes for a moment and saw the clock on the wall.

"It was only half-time seven in the morning. "

I hugged her again beside me.

For a moment I closed my eyes, it seemed like I needed an extra hour of sleep. I'm not so happy to wake up. I took my salary on the nightstand and checked the messaging app.

"There's still a message from my husband as it turns out." I ignored the message without opening it.

I see one by one the status column posted by my contact friends on whatsapp, diligently they post their lives on social media. Sometimes I envy their lives. All the things they share, on average tell a happy story. But is it true that all stories are always full of happiness?

I don't know.

There were also those who were showing off the new items he had bought. Who shared his picture on vacation abroad or someone who shared religious matters and hadiths. I prefer to post about religion. Random once filled my friends' status posts.

Suddenly I was interested in seeing my husband's status column. He posted a picture of her during a meeting with colleagues at a star-rated hotel. I looked carefully at that photo.

Unintentionally, my eyes were fixed on a beautiful woman in maroon hijab sitting next to my husband. She was so beautiful in that photo. Beside him, my husband also smiled broadly. It really looks like a matching couple.

"Oh him again. I look so happy my husband's face next to her. Their clothes are in tune, looking like lovers. My husband looks younger and handsome with his new hairstyle. I don't know when my husband wears glasses."

I felt so hard when I saw that scene.

I'll see my husband's next post. He posted a photo of them smiling happily in the crowd. Facing each other at lunch with some foreign colleagues. They seemed to be enjoying the delicious meal that was being served.

The next post is just a photo of a few cups of warm cappucino in a romantic cafe. I say it looks romantic because it's like at night. There were two cups, complete with a rose and a brown paper folded neatly.

"I should be the one beside you right now A, not that woman. Why is it so hard for you to hurt me A? Would you forget I was your wife?"

Bathinku.

I put my clothes next to the pillow. It feels so stupid. Why should I look at the status column. My name must have appeared in the viewer. After I saw it, I just regretted what I did. But it's too late.

*****

I hugged even tighter bolting next to me.

"I miss you A. Have you ever missed me?"

I closed my eyes trying to go back to sleep.

I don't know why these eyes don't want to fall asleep again.

I took my salary again and reopened the status column.

"Tumben Pradana posts this much status."

Intrigued by the content of the post, I opened his name in the status column. 

"For whom is this status he addressed? she was in love, but with whom? Tumben I don't know." Keep pressing so that the status moves to the next post.

" Nohh ... Romantic guy is also this cute. Lucky for the woman Pradana likes. May she be a good woman."

Gumamku still continues to pay attention to the contents of Pradana's post. Kepo once I made it.

When he arrived at the last post, he instead posted an initial of the name. The letters D and A are there. I'm getting curious. 

"Who is the woman who is able to make the cute Pradana fall in love? Huh .. I'm curious."

I wanted to japri Pradana to make fun of him, but I broke my intention just now.

I put my salary back on the nightstand next to the bed. This spacious room feels stifling. I still feel lonely often. I turned my face and I saw my three children, they were still asleep with their dreams.

*****

I'm lyrically again clock on the wall.

"I better pray first, I miss telling God."

I walk my feet into the closet and change my clothes.

Go to the toilet and immediately take ablution then organize prayer and try to pray solemnly'. It was so quiet when I could take my time to pray in the morning.

I usually get busy with the world in the morning. Busy with traffic on the highway. Busy with appointments and tiring meeting schedules. Not to mention checking the report. It feels so tired.

I don't know why I'm grateful today I was free from all that exhausting stuff. No activity about work turned out to be more enjoyable. At least my mind is a little fresh. My sleep is also enough. It feels a little light this body.

******

This kid is so spoiled for me. If he woke up not seeing my face, he would cry as hard as he could. Sometimes she kept crying until she finally saw my face. The important thing is that I have to be seen when he opens his eyes in the morning. So worried.

I called bi Arum to come to the room to wake Zura up and make Zahra milk. I'm quite troubled if I have to alone handle these three girls. Especially the twins who like to cry together, it feels like they want to cry too. Thankful that there is bi Arum helping.

Though Yura was already crying so hard for not seeing me beside her, but Zura my son, he was still able to fall asleep soundly.

His face was so sweet when he slept. Her nose that looks sharp plus her tiny reddish lips. Makes me look at him for a long time.

If you say lucky, then I am the luckiest mother in the world. Wh why? Because God gave me three daughters who were amazingly beautiful and charming. Plus, I have my husband who's actually nice, just maybe he's in second puberty now, I don't know.... I too want to call it what.

Zahra was born with pure white skin.  Nosed like my ex-husband. Thick eyebrows. His teeth also rolled like the shape of my teeth.  Her hair is curly and choppy downstairs.  But her posture is petite. Maybe he followed my body. His cheeks are often flushed like ripe tomatoes when he is overheated or embarrassed.

Very amusing.

Plus his bangs are always neat covering his wide forehead. It was the bangs that made Zahra's face even more adorable. Looks like a Japanese doll in my opinion because his eyes are a bit narrow. Not too full and not too narrow. The shape of her eyes is beautiful and sharp. I never get tired of kissing her face over and over again. She'll get angry or sniff when I'm too strong to kiss her. 

Likewise with Yura and Zura's twin, they were both also born with pure white skin. It's just that the two faces are more dominant my husband's face. Her hair was also straight black unlike my hair and Zahra was curly and wavy underneath. Their eyes are similar to mine.

My twins are different. Both of them had dimples beside her thin and small lips. So when they smile or laugh, that tiny indentation will appear beside her lips. Real pretty.

My son is a baby girl with identical twins. Why that? because it was hard to tell who Zura was and who Yura was. Many could not tell them apart when meeting Zura and Yura. But somehow, I was able to easily tell my son apart, probably because I was his mother.

Once they cried, and my husband called him Zura. My son kept crying. Maybe because his father called the name wrong. So as not to accept his name was wrongly called. Even if they are babies, they know their names. Very amusing.

*****

I woke up my three children to take a bath. It was only today that I really became a real mother. I've been busy with babysitting in the morning.

Usually, I've gone early in the morning to avoid traffic jams or school hours. It is not too late if there is a morning meeting with colleagues. To be sure, only bi Arum took care of my children at that time. I just took the clean. But not today, I also intervened to bathe the twins as well as the eldest Zahra.

As usual, Zahra has a school schedule today. Since Zahra was four years old, I've enrolled her in an Islamic school. It is not a formal school, but it is a formal school. Many students about monotheism and morality are taught to him. Even the introduction of reading letters and hijaiyah had been taught to him.

After taking Zahra to school, I immediately returned home. Feed the twins and then invite them to play for a while in the gazebo to see the fish. My twins love to see the fish that are eating in the pond. After they got tired of playing, I put them back to bed.

I saw the watch in the hand.

"God, it is eleven o'clock in the afternoon, I better take a bath. Turns out that bad baths make sultry too."

I went up to the second floor. Go to the room and shower. After the shower, it felt much fresher.

I saw my gawa on the nightstand. I'll take my salary. Turns out my gawa died out of batre. I'm looking for a charger and a minute's mencharger so that my life can light up again. About twenty minutes, finally my salary can be turned back on.

I lighted my gawa.

"Criiingis... Criings.. Criiiing ..."

Lots of messages that appear on my watch screen. Monthly reports, weekly reports, consumer surveys, client lists and more. So much so that I have to put my salary again on the nightstand. Wait a minute for everything to appear on the screen. So it does not sound continuously notification of incoming messages.

I'll take my salary again.

I saw the name that appeared on his screen.

" Tumben my husband called, what else is he doing?"

I ignored that call.

I put my salary back on the nightstand next to the bed.

12.30 WIB

Gawaiku.

[Assalamu'alaykum Neng, how are you? Healthy kids? Are you healthy, Neng? ]

A short message from my husband.

I'll take my salary. Walk to bed and lie down.

"Why is this husband?"

I opened whatsapp from him. I quickly replied to my husband's message.

[ Waa'alaykumussalam wa rahatulli wa barakatuh A. Good news and good children. Tumben ngechat, what's the need?]

Repasku.

My message was answered for a long time. It might take me two hours to wait. I was foolish to wait for a message from my husband. Even if I assume she never existed like I wasn't wrong. I wait for a reply from him, in the column his name is listed typing. But my reply didn't show up. How strange.

14.30 WIB

[Thank God if so Neng. Neng, Aa don't want us to separate Neng. I still need you.]

Reply again in the message.

I ignored my husband's message. It was too lazy to continue the chat if you had to wait that long to receive a reply. I put my salary back on the nightstand and then I tried to fall asleep. If it's noon, my twins don't sleep in this room. They're in the kid's room on the first floor. A special room with only a baby box and toys. Suddenly my sleepiness appeared.

I fell asleep again.

16.30 WIB

I'mawakened.

"Maa is Allah, his sleep is very long. I have to pray."

Get out of bed and walk to the closet.

I took a new shirt and stepped into the toilet for ablution. Immediately perform my Ashar prayer which is too late. Continue for about fifteen minutes. I let go of my face. Fold it neatly and put it in the closet again.

Then I went downstairs, I missed my three children so much. Due to falling asleep, I forgot to pick up Zahra at school, so her school driver drove Zahra home as usual.

17.15 WIB

When down. I saw my husband playing with my children. He always shows up and goes as he pleases. He smiled at me. I smiled back as I walked towards them.

I greeted my husband while saying.

"Tumben here A, what's up?"

My question's short.

"Gpp Neng, just want to meet you and the kids. Not too busy to stop by"

Answer again.

*****

He touched my hand. He asked me to sit next to him. I follow my husband's will. I sat beside. He smiled back at me. I don't know what that smile means. Sincere or not, I can't even guess.

My husband looks neat. Wearing a mauve casual shirt and black slime pants. He looks handsome. His face looks very fresh. Maybe he's feeling good. I don't know..

My husband handed me a car key. I remember, maybe it was the car keys he said yesterday at our meeting. The car he said he bought for me. A Luxury Car in Red. For my small body size, this car is quite large for me. He knows I like red.

I looked at my husband's face. He nodded again, parole me into receiving the key. I received the key. I put the key on the nightstand next to the chair. It's not that I'm not ashamed, but it's my husband's gift. I appreciate the gift.

"Why come now A? Where's this been?"

I say hello to my husband opening the conversation.

"Afwan Neng, Aa's busy."

That's the only answer that came out of my husband's mouth.

Honestly, that's not the answer I want from my husband. But he seemed reluctant to share anything with me. Whatever happened to my husband, I never knew. I'd know something about it if he talked to me directly or I saw his post on social media. If there isn't, then I won't know anything.

"Mrs ..."

His greeting was gentle to me.

"Yes A, why?"

I answered without seeing my husband's face.

Suddenly he took my hand. I looked at my face and touched my head gently.

"Thank you Neng, she's been my wife all along. I'm lucky to have you."

Husband's silent. Hold his breath and continue his words.

"Sir, wait for me in a minute. I will definitely fix everything that happened in our marriage. Wait for me in a minute Neng, wait for me "

He said softly while tightly grasping my hand.

I was devastated by his words. I hugged my husband so he would feel calm. On the one hand, I could feel that there was something my husband was keeping. But that's what, I don't know.

I rubbed his back to calm him down. My husband hugged me very tightly. Until the aroma of the parfume was smelled stuck in my nose. I miss the smell of my husband. Feels Calming.

I let go of my husband's embrace. I smiled at him. My husband smiled back.

"Aa sleeping here?"

Ask me to open the conversation again.

"No Neng. There's something Aa has to finish. Next week Aa will take you to meet. Reset your office schedule if you are busy that day. Aa's gonna pick you up at the office."

My husband explained.

"Yes A."

Answer's short.

He kissed my three children's soft forehead. Carrying the twins for a while alternately and re-hugging me and then saying goodbye to go home. I drove him to the front door. Kiss his hand before he gets home. He's headed for his car. Then get in the car, get out of the yard and disappear behind the fence.

I am confused by my husband's attitude. Why did he act like nothing happened between us. And if repeated again, there are still so many question marks and thousands of unanswered questions in my mind.

*****

17.50 WIB

I have the lyrics in my hand.

"Maa is Allah, it is almost Magrib."

I closed the door and went back to the viewing room.

Zahra's been looking for me everywhere. His voice was calling me.

"Mommy .. Where's mommy? Come here, look, brother has this."

He shouted loudly while walking around looking for me.

I'm coming for him.

"Yes, son, why are you screaming. What do you want to see mami?"

Ask me again while sitting in front of him.

"Look ..."

He showed me something.

I saw his hand. He grasped a brown paper folded very neatly. At first glance, I recognize this brown paper, but I don't know where I've seen it. I forget.

"Who's this, brother? How can I be in my sister?"

Ask me to find answers.

"So my sister met there Mi."

He pointed to the chair I had used to sit with my husband.

"This can sister write mi? Big brother's flower picture?"

Plain asking.

I took that paper fold.

I keep it in my pants pocket.

Walking towards the glass cabinet near the corner of the chair, I picked up a drawing book belonging to Zahra.

"We're going to write it here instead, brother?Brother likes coloring, right? Here, take a look. Lots of pictures of flowers "

Show me while giving me the drawing book.

"Thank you mami. Brother coloring first."

She's shy.

Take a book and start coloring the picture book.

I unfolded the brown paper. Then read slowly the contents of the writing written there.

" For you who always give beauty every look my eyes see. I want to hug your body tightly so that my longing is over for a moment. Continue to be the temple of every missed piece I have. You're a string in my bike.

To you my light, Puspa Ningsih "

I was hurt by the writing I was reading.

"Otherly this. Why was your attitude so sweet but I found this kind of writing scattered here What lies are you doing behind me A? What other wounds have you inflicted? "

My eyes glazed.

I put the brown paper in my pants pocket again.

I set foot on the second floor. Open the door and enter the room. Dropped my body towards the bed.

I'm hurt again.

I heard the sound of Adzan singing. I'll rise soon. Walk up to the closet and get a towel. Take a shower and get fully dressed. Go back to the toilet to get the ablution. I have the title of prayer and immediately pray.

I intentionally extended my dhikr again this time. I don't know what my heart is today, it feels mixed. Like flattery, I was flattered as high as possible and then after that I was thrown. I fell to the bottom.

It hurts so bad.

"This is another trial, O Allah? Have you tested me? Can I face all this?"

So much as my tears flowed.

My heart is really hurt. Torn in all parts then watered by squeezing orange juice. So hurt. It hurts so much I feel.

"Keep Me Yes Rabb ... Strengthen me."

Heart begged.

Seriate....