Baed Alzawaj (After Marriage)
You exist, but I can never touch you...

**If you require me to paint ..

I want to paint a taste that never goes out ..

Tiredness that never gets stranded and promises that never get broken ...

Taste, keep holding on ...

Isn't it possible that love can be that difficult**???

•┈••••○❁❁○••••┈•

Ever since yesterday, I started never seeing my husband again. Every time I look at his social media accounts, he is always active every minute. Always actively reply to comments and messages to colleagues and friends of his account, but he never reprimanded me and even greeted me. Not even asking about her son.

He will always be online, then later will be back offline. That's how the activity has continued for the past month. Did I try to contact him first? No. gabe.

I will never show my weakness to him. It is not in my nature to rebuke my husband first. Not because of prestige, but rather I was lazy to look in need of his presence. I'm not that weak.

On the one hand I want to be angry with his attitude because where is my fault and what am I doing that he is so angry with me?

Do I not deserve to be happy? Did I do anything wrong?

Then why the hell did he curse and scold me with harsh and piercing words?

These are all questions that have not been answered for a month.

Yes ... My husband hasn't been home since the big fight yesterday. He seemed to disappear like he was swallowed by the earth. I'll just see him there, when I check my device and my social media accounts. 

When I ask him where, the answer will always be the same ... 

"Aa busy with work and manage new business again Neng."

or he will answer

"Sorry Neng, Aa is busy and can't talk much. We'll talk again."

That was my husband's answer when I asked him why he never came home. Even sometimes when I dare to call it, I will find a long sound without being lifted or even the voice of the operator who answered.

The chains are deactivated more often without me knowing why.

"Yes Allah .. Was my husband honest about all of his words to me? Does my husband love me sincerely O Allah?"

I always question all these unanswered things in the third of my night every day. It's just God where I complain about everything right now. 

However  ... One day, my husband called me and asked me to meet. Just after a month he never came home.

In that meeting, I finally .. I found the answers to all my questions during this time.

*****

05 June 2017

Gawaiku.

[Assalamu'alaykum, where are you now? Aa want to see you, there's something we need to talk about four eyes together. You are not busy, are you?]

I looked at my screen.

"Oh, my husband turned out."

I put my salary back on the nightstand while continuing my report which was a little more completed. I ignored the message.

Five minutes later..

[Neng, reply immediately whatsapp me, as busy as you to not answer the message from your husband? Immediately reply to my message Neng, we must meet today as well.]

I looked at my screen again.

Taking a deep breath then exhaling it violently while opening the message and typing fast.

[Waa'alaykumussalam wa rahatulli wa barakatuh Aa. Sorry just had time to reply to the message, Day was briefing impromptu with this colleague A so not good also open hp. When it's done, Day will call Aa again. Afwan yaa A.]

I sent the message immediately and deactivated my salary. For some reason, I don't want to see or read any message given by my husband. Maybe even just a moment to look at his face I was reluctant. My longing suddenly evaporated, gone somewhere.

I think I really want to give up. What more does my husband want so that again he starts to be unkind to me. All this time, I was always looking for and waiting for news from him. Always waiting.

"Where was my fault when I got used to being absent? Didn't he teach me to act like that? Then let alone the new problem he wanted to make."

Bathin I said softly.

I know all the things that happened between me and my husband. I don't know what kind of home we are living in right now. Everything looks fine like a harmonious and warm marriage, but not with the original story.

I was lonely without the attention of my husband. I have long felt the status of a widow recurring. I look like a widow when I have a husband. Tragically true this life I feel.

I'mtired.

*****

My lyrics watch in hand.

"It is twelve o'clock in the afternoon, it is time to pray Dzuhur, I better pray first so that my heart is calmer. It felt like so many things were making my chest feel tight to breathe."

I murmured in my heart.

Hurry up and walk out. When passing in front of the toilet, I turn first to the toilet before going to Mushola office. Standing in front of a large mirror while looking straight at the glass.

This time I chose to use a lavender level choppy robe, wearing a small wavy plain black khimar at the bottom, wearing a small gold brooch with initials D and a little light makeup with a soft pink lip-colored lip-colored lip-colored lipstick.

I stared a long time in front of the mirror. Look closely at my face.

" Oh my God, I must be strong to live all this. I have to be tough."

Bathin I said.

*****

Many may ask how I look in other people's eyes. According to most people, I belong to the category of attractive women. I was pure white with cheeks that always blushed red without having to wear cheek dye. Rounded eyes with eyes that look big like wearing soflens and small bodies with gnarly teeth on the top of the right. That will be seen when I smile.

I rarely hang out because of my habit of loving the quiet atmosphere. I don't have any special friends except Pradana. Being friends with him was unintentional. My daily life used to be just college and helping mom sell. Sell fish crackers and cakes at home and through social networks. I used to live a simple life with my little family first. It feels so good, sometimes I miss my peaceful childhood.

*****

Still staring and seeing the reflection of my face reflected. I started to mutter in my heart.

" What am I lacking, O God, what more trials should I accept? what else do I need to do to get my husband back to being nice to me? what else do I have to do to make my husband think I'm in his life? How am I supposed to behave to get my husband back to how he used to be? What should I do, O God? I still love my husband so much."

I looked down while holding back my tears. I bowed my head long enough so that I felt able to hold back this tear from dripping on the cheek. Pretend to wash your hands when other female employees enter, then rush out of the toilet to Mushola. Fear of missing time with others.

Arriving at the mushola.

"You daydream again Day? Why else? Don't dream on. You're ugly enough with that manyun face of yours."

Teguran Pradana is disturbing my daydreams. His face looked worried.

"Gpp Pre, just thought about my report earlier why not balance, the details are stuck in the middle. Dizziness me Pre if I have to keep revising."

My answer was lying as I quickly opened my shoes and socks and immediately stood up and walked towards the ablution place.

"May your troubles be over by day, I miss your smile."

Pradana whispers are almost barely audible as they pass towards the ablution of the ikhwan.

Glanced at Pradana and said quite loudly.

"What did you say, Pra? I don't hear about it. Slow down like a neighbor again ghibah you."

"By the way? I didn't say anything. Buruan wudhu gih Day, later we pass the worship of the same Imam."

The answer is ngeles while grinning wide.

"Yee ... You just talked. You weird guy Pre, the pantsan didn't sell until now. Watch out so your old bachelor Pre. Ahhhhh ..."

Sadistic ejekku.

"Your work Day. Huh ..."

Reply Pradana manyun while putting on a sulking face and passing.

I just laugh giggling behind the separation wall where wudhu ikhwan and akhwat. This man has always been able to damage the image of my image so that my true nature comes out all in front of him. Though usually I am considered a woman who does not say much even suave towards the opposite sex.

*****

Since my hijrah, I deliberately slowly changed my identity that was so jovial and friendly to be a woman who was much more caring for her adab, deliberately closed tightly to my true identity because I admit, I know, my true personality doesn't match my current clothes.

There is a sense of shame when I go overboard like I used to. Why, over time, am I comfortable with who I am now. A person who is far from the word "Institution". 

But he, Pradana Abdi Jayakarta, he always breaks my defensive wall, so that I will return to the old me when I am with him.

On the one hand, I am comfortable being this kind of me when I am with Pradana. He always gave me a comfort that was so warm I felt.

I don't know ...

But if you ask me, have I ever been in love with Pradana? The answer is never. I always thought of him as a friend, and it was hard to change the word to a partner.

It doesn't feel right for me to go.

I'm afraid of losing him. A warm figure that always makes me smile. Who always asks for my news and who always wants to know anything about me but always ends up a big zero because I prefer to shut up and leave. That's what Pradana is to me. He's someone who has a special angle in my heart. But if it says it's a taste, I guess .. it hasn't come that way.

Is this a feeling I never realized?

I don't know ...

I can't answer that either. But right now, without me noticing, Pradana is often present to fill my empty days without my husband's figure. He started asking me why and what I needed. Started reminding me often not to forget my worship. He was also more attentive to Zahra. He has always been a different man to me.

Have my feelings changed now towards Pradana?

No. gabe.

I still haven't felt anything about him other than he's good because he cares about me as a friend. That's the word I've always believed until now. Is there really a friendship between a man and a woman?

Answer ... I don't know.

I don't understand that sentence either.

*****

I moved my wudhuku so I could join the congregation with others. Dikantor there is a fairly luxurious mushola, in addition to air-conditioned in every corner of the room, the decoration of the mosque was fairly good with a gold-carved dome-patterned ceiling accent, the part where the imam stands looks much more luxurious because it resembles the place of the imam in the Nabawi Mosque.

Surroundings are so very comfortable because it has a distinctive aroma of the middle east when we enter the Mushola. The aroma always makes us miss the Grand Mosque. Makes anyone feel at home when entering it and reluctant to quickly get out.

Mushola office is one of my favorite places when sad. Plus I like the quiet and quiet atmosphere. I've always been comfortable in my solitude here. I feel comfortable.

*****

After the completion of the prayer. All employees immediately went out and headed for the office canteen. But somehow this time, I felt reluctant to get out of Mushola. Deliberately kept quiet longer and extended my dhikr which I had somehow repeated continuously until it had unknowingly passed an hour.

My lyrics watch in hand.

"God, I'm asleep." 

Gumamku sambil bergegas berdiri.

Immediately I folded my face and took a slow step towards the shoe. Looking for my shoes and socks where to sit in the outer court of the Mushola while putting on socks and shoes. When I was cool with my shoes, then someone came to reprimand suddenly made myself jerked in shock because of his reprimand.

"You're here, Neng? Just went to your room and you weren't there. Pas Aa met your secretary, said you were probably in Mushola, so Aa Nyusulin You're here. Why aren't you active?"

He asked me in succession to disturb my daydream earlier.

"Oh yes Afwan a, maybe hpnya lowbat, was Day did not bring a charger."

I lied while putting up my shoes.

"Neng, we have to talk, you have time?"

Reprove my husband again.

"We're going to an ordinary place to eat ajaa A. In the regional cafe Office Prosecutor only. The atmosphere is also good there is not too rame."

Bring him.

"Ok neng, Aa wait for you in the lobby."

He passed by as he walked towards the lobby leaving me at the Mushola.

*****

Rushed to stand up and walked a bit faster towards the room. Take the bag and the device, then close the laptop. Get out and walk to the lobby. I saw from a distance, he was standing there waiting for me.

That guy's figure. The handsome guy who made me fall in love because of his gentle speech when we first met. He accidentally scolded me first in the parking lot of the study. I was fascinated when I saw his face. He was the first man who refused to look at me when he met for the first time. I'm gobsmacked.

Beautiful tanned handsome man. Handsome with a thin beard. His nose is sharp and his eyes are shaded. Wearing a dark navy kurta with the addition of dark slime pants. Wearing a pair of mountain sandals and a backpack on his shoulders.

He scolded me first. He looked a little geeky with his appearance. Because rarely do men today wear clothes like him. But ... Even if he looks geeky, he is still good to see the eye.

"You're Dayana, aren't you? Afwa ... This is for the show later. Just now the head of the study asked me to give it to you. This  ..."

He rebuked me but his eyes looked down at the parking floor. I was amazed by his attitude. But also a little thought he was weird. 

"Why does he duck when he squirms I'm a boy? Weird."

I thought.

*****

Lobbyized upon arrival.

"Working out with Day's car or Aa ya's?"

I don't know what got into me until I suddenly said that. It's so stupid that I thought, why am I asking about this. There was a sense of awkwardness that suddenly appeared.

"You come with Aa aja Neng. Don't be tired of driving yourself. Hayuk Neng's"

He continued while clasping tightly onto my hand all of a sudden.

Admittedly. I was amazed by his attitude just now. 

" What's wrong with my husband? Why all of a sudden after a month of never coming home and looking for me then suddenly being this good?" There are so many questions in my heart, but I purposely address them. 

I enjoyed the treatment of my husband who suddenly became a dream husband in front of everyone. I got late with the sweet treatment at the time. To be honest, I miss my husband. Missed him so much.

*****

Towards car. 

Entry inside. Sweeping the surrounding view while muttering in the heart.

"Whose car is this? Why did my husband change cars and not tell me? This isn't the car my husband used to drive, so whose car is this?"

Bathinku.

It is always a big question mark. That's how my husband is ... Whatever happens in his life, I'm the last person who's gonna know that. It is sad and painful for me who has the status of his legal wife. Maybe because I wasn't important in his life. I was late with my own thoughts.

"Why Neng? Shocked who's car?"

Suddenly his reprimand broke my daydream.

"Ohh ..  Afwan A, not really."

I replied originally while pretending to justify the location of my bag which is actually not wrong.

"This Aa bought yesterday Neng, tender ten billion yesterday Alhamdulillah won, and this Aa buy for you. Later the key Aa sent to the house yaa Neng. Wait for Aa."

" Deeek..!!!"

I was shocked by his statement. I asked again in my heart.

"Who is this husband really? He was cold in the message to me, so why is his attitude changing and different from usual." I was still confused by his attitude just now.

"Who is my husband really, God? What kind of person is my husband?"

bathinku.

I just smiled back at her words. Then back to my view to the left of the glass and was silent while trying to enjoy the view of the road along the road we passed. Only the scene is jammed because it collides with the school hours of children smp and high school. The atmosphere was so crowded, full of motorcycles and cars crammed in the street without wanting to budge each other. My husband chose to focus on driving and occasionally honked because of the crowded conditions.

"Hmm..What statement shall I hear from my husband, O God?"

I exhaled my breath deeply. Late with my thoughts again.

*****

15.30 WIB

Arrive at the cafe.

"What do you want to order, Neng? As usual? Or change the menu?"

Ask while opening the drink menu.

"Yes A. What's normal."

Answer's short.

"You don't want to eat Neng?"

"Not A, Day is full."

Reply potluck. Actually I haven't eaten, but somehow lost where my appetite was when my heart was mixed about my husband's attitude today. I refused to eat.

"okay."

Short reply.

"Yes Mas, I ordered matcha milkshake topping vanilla ice cream, kept the cappucino cold and the shrimp soup mushroom one. Continue to dessert his banana float topping vanilla matcha and chesse roll. "

Speak at length to waittres while referring to the contents of the order menu book.

"Good Sir. Thanks though. Please awaited.  Father and Mother's order will come in thirty minutes"

Answer the waitress as it passes.

I deliberately busied myself by looking at the screen of my gaze that was still dead. It was as if I was focusing on something when in fact I was just staring at the screen of a dead device. I still wonder in my heart. About what my husband wanted to say until he reappeared after disappearing for a month without news. I'm waiting for the answer at this time.

He suddenly rebuked me and started talking.

"Neng, are you happily married to me?"

Suddenly he said so.

I was shocked by his words and looked at him sitting down and saying.

"Blessed A, In shaa Allah. Whatever your attitude toward me, I'm happy to be your wife A."

Answers explained.

"Are you sure of Neng by what you say?"

Ask again with a suddenly serious face.

"Why A? Why suddenly question this? What's up?"

I don't know why I answered my husband's question.

"I'm sorry Aa Neng.I'm sorry. But there's something you should look at."

That's the only answer that came out of my husband's mouth. He then shut up and opened his door. Touching the screen quickly and then putting the handle right in front of me.

I immediately saw what my husband showed me. A photo of a beautiful woman wearing a hijab. Beautiful women wear a shirt and blazer in salem with a peach-colored hijab patterned abstract flowers and wear pants of ivory white skinny material. Wearing high heels measuring 5 centimeters ivory white and carrying a mini-sized branded bag.

Simple yet looks elegant. Her smile is so beautiful. A beautiful girl dimpled on the left and right. His eyes look narrow behind his fashionable glasses. He wears braces between his teeth so that it shows even more extraordinary beauty in my opinion. I know who that woman is. But trying flatly was not surprised and responded to my husband by asking.

"Who is A? Is he Aa's friend?"

I asked to lie while putting on a face as appropriate as possible.

"Not Neng, he was someone who was in my life before I knew you. She's the girl who rejected me when I approached her in the trash. But because of my efforts, I had his heart for a moment. But due to circumstances, I was forced to part with him."

Answer explains.

" She was the woman I loved, she was my junior in college. I admire her because she's the woman I think she is. He said gently even she is a supple woman, she easily gets along with anyone. I was trying to catch up to him because he didn't care about me back then."

Obviously, while looking at it and then re-set his breath.

" Continue?"

ask him again to continue his explanation.

Husband's silent. Long enough he was silent. Staring at me with a look I can't understand. Then he spoke again.

" I still have a taste towards him Neng. This feeling came up again without me denying it. I lost my control."

My husband fell silent and folded his fingers. He went back silent.

My heart ached hearing my husband's words. But I am not his name if I show my heart in front of him. I took a deep breath and exhaled quickly while saying.

" Marry her A, Day allows. If she's the woman you want, then go after her. I'll learn to understand your wish. After all, I said a yesterday, if we better just split up. Maybe that's the best thing." It was so stupid that the words just came out of my mouth. I was quiet for a long time. A little regretful of what I said just now.

My husband looked shocked at my words and quickly said.

" It's not so Neng, Aa did not think to marry him, especially until we divorced, it's just.. "

Speech ceased. He went back silent.

" Why is A?"

I'm looking for answers.

" Gpp Neng's. Oh yeah that's our order already come, you drink first. Fear of being hunted is not good if left for a long time."

he answered again, taking his drink. He sipped his cold cappucino and returned to holding the device and focusing on the flat object.

" yes A."

That's the only answer that came out of my mouth.

That's how my husband is. Every time I ask and ask for an explanation, he'll cut my words and turn our topic in another direction. He's still the same. He's still my husband full of questions that I never find answers to.

I enjoyed my drink while watching and watching the view outside the cafe. The atmosphere was so crowded around me but somehow I felt lonely in the place I was sitting right now.

We are still busy with our own thoughts, I don't know. It was as if his statement just now was a matter of course. Even occasionally he picks up a phone call on his cellphone that never stops and types a lot of things on his phone without even glancing at me.

Sometimes I think

" Did he ever assume I existed?"

I was silent in my daydream.

"Neng, Aa pamit. There's something I need to do right now. Everyone let Aa pay Neng, you will return by taxi to the office. Forgive Aa Neng, Aa said you have to hurry." 

He stood up and walked over to me, kissed me for a long time and passed away leaving me at this table alone. Though I have not answered his words just now, but he soon passed and did not try to glance or turn his body to see me from a distance.

I turned on my watch and some messages appeared on his screen. Even some missed calls came along. There were so many messages my husband sent me. I was so lazy to open the messages. I put my salary back in the bag.

Fifteen minutes later my taxi order came. My husband ordered the taxi in my name. I immediately walked out of the cafe and headed for the taxi. Then return to the office again with a million thoughts and questions that still remain perfectly unanswered.

*****

17.30 WIB

I slid my feet towards the room. It felt like I wanted to cry but like I was stuck in that feeling and was unable to get out of my tears. I felt a pain that was very painful than usual. I'm really hurt.

I put my face in my arms and closed my eyes long enough. I don't think I want to wake up anymore or even I don't want to continue this nightmare. That's the saying in my mind before falling asleep in sleep. Unknowingly, I cried in my sleep.

19.30 WIB

I woke up and immediately saw my alroji.

"God, I fell asleep"

immediately I packed my bag and laptop. I picked up my jacket and rushed out to the lobby. I walked quickly to the parking lot and accidentally met Pradana there. I don't know what this guy is doing at the office at this hour.

"You just got home Day? Why is your face so?" she asked while watching my messy face because my little makeup was erased by tears.

"Yes Pra, Maa ala Allah, I fell asleep in the room. Tired of it, even though today I have a promise to buy Zahra eskrim together. Qadarullah I forget Pra and even fall asleep in the room. He must be angry with me" I answered gloomily as I pursed the tip of my lips.

"It just so happened to be Day then. This .. I just bought this from the supermarket for Zahra. A coincidence or this is God's destiny ... I was looking for something, right through the ice cream, I thought of Zahra, so I bought it. All through. " Reply Pradana while showing a large shopping bag filled with ice cream.

"Maa is Allah Praa... Is that really for Zahra? Wah ... What is it that suddenly you think of a gift to Zahra? Tumben actually, fell in love again, are you Pra?"

I asked for an answer while looking closely at the man's face.

" Pengen. Ahh fell in love what the hell Day, there's-there's you."

he answered again with a grin and scratched his head that did not itch.

" Your Habits Praa. Always spoil him"

my reply sok berated.

*****

Today the man looks very handsome.in a light blue shirt and wears light gray slime pants.The collar of his shirt is left open one. complete with a neat hairstyle like a young executive. Combined with a pair of brown branded shoes. Very compatible with his high posture and somewhat visible field.

He looks simple but captivates every eye that sees him because of the shape of his face is quite handsome in my opinion. Her nose is one of Pradana's charms. I think his nose is too sharp for an Indonesian. He was a pure white without a mustache on his thin lips. only a little thin beard and a mole on his right eyebrow.maybe if I had never known my husband, he said, I'll be the first woman to like it. I think he's interesting enough to approach.

*****

Pradana just smiled. Give a bag full of ice cream and leave first. I thanked him as he shouted from my car.

"Often Yes Pra ... Syukron."

My reply shouted with a big smile.

"Good big lady. I say yes to Day first. Assalamu'alaykum."

Replies passed.

"Waa'alaykumussalam wa rahatulli wa barakatuh Pra."

Reply slowly.

I drove my car while trying to get home as quickly as possible. I miss all three of my hearts.

*****

20.30 WIB

Open the door and say hello.

Sweeping around the room looking for the whereabouts of my children. It turns out Zahra is cool watching in his car and sikembar is playing with bi Arum.

"Assalamu'alaykum bik."

Sapaku to bi Arum.

"Waa'alaykumussalam wa rahatulli wa barakatuh bu. Just got home, ma'am?"

Bi Arum asked.

"Yes bik, there was a lot of work in the office. It was so tired to want to take a break."

Reply potluck.

"You want auntie to get her dinner ready again, Mom? Let auntie go to the kitchen manasin side dish for a while if you want to eat."

Ask bi Arum again.

"Don't be bi, it's Day has eaten at the office."

Answer lies.

"Yaa already then ma'am. Auntie take the dining table for a minute."

Reply bik Arum while passing.

"What's Mami's son doing?"

Sapaku towards Zahra who was focusing on her dress.

"Mommy ....."

Reply Zahra while putting down her dress and running to hug me.

"Sister misses Mami. Where's my sister's escrim?"

Reply asked.

"Wadm .. The time of the ice cream first, did not miss the same amii yaa naka?" I asked while putting on a sad face.

"Sister kangen Mami, sister misses.but brother hungry mami. sister wants icekrim." Answer innocently.

"Mommy's son hasn't eaten his mother yet?" ask again.

"Today my sister ate sausage, gamau ate rice. Brother wants my ice cream" he replied while hugging me again.

Lifting the bag Pradana gave and gave it to Zahra.

"Goddess .. Eskrim .. Many .. Thanks Mami" Zahra hugged me again. Then dismantle the contents of the crackle and busy choosing the ice cream that he likes.

So much ice cream that Pradana gives so that Zahra can freely choose which flavor variant he likes. Only the taste of chocolate and strawberry selected Zahra. the rest I asked bi Arum to save it back to the refrigerator. Fear of melting, not good again if later eaten.

I let Zahra who was engrossed in her ice cream. Stepping forward and hugging my cool twins with his theeter toy. Greet them and say.

"Assalamu'alaykum his beautiful children Mami, again say Nak, very serious. Mommy misses son."

I asked again while smiling at my two twins, Yura and Zura.

They smiled like they answered my question. I'm so worried about my ten-month-old baby. I hugged the two in turn. I am so excited to see these two twins. Their faces were completely copyan from my husband. It is similar in the nose and eyes.

I kissed their cheeks and forehead and then passed towards Zahra and kissed the boy's forehead and then stepped gontai towards the room. I dropped my body towards the bed. It was quiet once I felt this room. like there is no love in it.

I closed my eyes for a moment. I felt so tired today.I took my salary and I saw a message there.My eyes were fixed on my husband's name.There were some messages that I had not read. I opened the message one by one. I was stunned by the message of my husband.

*****

Gawaiku ...

11.30 WIB

[Neng, answer my message. ]

11.32 WIB

[Neng, why is your phone inactive?]

11.35 WIB

[Neng, Aa meet you now, you're in the office right?]

11.45 WIB

[Reply Neng, Aa otw there.]

12.25 WIB

[Neng Aa in your room, where are you baby??]

16.25 WIB

[Neng, forgive what Aa said earlier. Aa didn't mean to hurt your heart. I just want to be honest.]

[Aa knows you are disappointed with Aa Neng, but Aa is also tormented by this lie. Not only are you injured but Aa also feels the same way.]

[You know Neng, you're my wife. But the more I came here the more I felt that there was no love for you in my heart. I was in a dilemma with my own feelings Neng. I miss you, but when I see him, my longing for you is gone. Honestly, I know my own feelings.]

[I know honestly I hurt you, but I've been trying all this time to love you. What's more when you gave me twins, I was grateful and tried hard to sincerely love you. But ... The shadow of Puspa Ningsih's face still can't be patched. He keeps coming to mind. I know he hurt me in the past, but my heart still wants to have him. I know I was wrong Neng, I realize I was selfish, But .. Should I keep lying to myself?Answer me Neng, what should I do?]

16.50 WIB

[You are still reluctant to answer my message Neng? Honestly, I don't want to torture you, but .. I just want to be honest. I was quite surprised by what you said at the cafe, I consider that answer to be your surprise for my words. Do you remember the day before I left home? We had a big fight that night, I realized my words were outrageous. Do you know why I say that? I cursed myself Neng, but I made you my outlet. I'm sorry.]

[I didn't think he was Neng's new business partner at first. He's a colleague of my business partner right now.We're working together on that ten billion project, and you know what? He helped me get elected and win the tender. He's great Neng. I was amazed by his attitude. He is good at managing a big business. Very different from the one I knew.]

[Because we meet often. Honestly .. I fell back in love with Neng, without me knowing. she gave me warmth that I did not feel when I was with you Neng. There was a feeling I realized was not finished, because the presence back in my life, I felt something much different. I am comfortable being near him. So what do I have to do with this feeling of mine?]

[Neng, I clearly remember what you said that night about the divorce. But I don't want to be separated from you Neng, I need my son too. I don't want my son to grow up without a father next to him like Zahra. I was born without a father figure, I don't want my son to feel the same way as I experienced Neng. ]

*****

I felt incision after incision while reading the contents of the message from my husband. I couldn't read his other message. He spoke so in his short message to me. Did he not realize that I was his wife? What kind of man would hurt me like this. My whole body started to go weak. I think I lost some of my life spirit.

" O God, strengthen me."

Only that line came out and crossed my mind. I was completely crushed with a wound that was torn wide.

I felt like slapping even I beat this guy in the face at the time. I wanted to throw all the stuff in his face so he could feel how much my heart aches for his deeds and confessions. But I can't afford. I've always been weak since my decision to become a widow. I continued to be overshadowed by the fear of separation. I'm dying with my own feelings.

I put my gait next to the pillow. Get out of bed and stand up to get a new towel in the fold of the closet and walk weakly to the toilet.

"I'd better take a shower."

My heart is so tired thinking this time.

I turn on the shower as fast as possible so that my tears dissolve in the rushing water. My heart is hurt badly. It really breaks my feelings right now. I can only cry over my life story. I regret my choice yesterday to marry again.

After finishing the shower. I'll grab my nightgown right away. Dressed completely and then returned to the toilet and took ablution and rushed to perform my Isyaa' prayer which was very late. In the expanse of my prayer, tell me all my sorrows while praying.

" O God, my husband never loved me. It turned out that from the beginning he only made me as an impingement. My heart is sick, O Allah. Shall I live all these things with sincerity, O Allah? I have tried to be as dutiful a wife as I can O Allah, So why is this what I find in my story? What is my fault with my husband, God? Is it wrong to fall in love with this guy? Should I hang on to all this? O Allah, for the sake of my children, I will continue with my choices that I have always withdrawn. My heart is tired, Rabb. Help me. Give me the strength to be able to face all my problems. I have always been sure of your power, O Allah. I surrender only to you, O God, only to you."

I ended my do'a with a sobbing. I express my whole heart through praying to Allah because only the expanse of prayer can make me calm about all the things that I have been through so far. I feel like I really can't keep up with this marriage, but I'm always afraid to tell my true heart.

Then .. Should it be me???? Should I continue to persist with this feeling of hurt .. My eyes were getting tighter with tears, I completely dissolved with my sadness. I was really slumped in the deep wounds.

Seriate....