Should We Divorce?
33

The first week at the beginning of the new year 2022 has entered Sunday. Serena has been off from a myriad of jobs and relaxing at home. But, for some reason this year invited a lot of rain. A day is never passed without its sparkle.

Like this afternoon, Serena looked at the wet window after the rain this afternoon. On the bed, berserk on feet, enjoying a dark day early due to overcast. Whether because it's too long at home or what, Serena always feels weak. Her smile on the new year's night had healed, but she still felt bad. He had thought, tomorrow-in the first day of entering work again, he would check with the doctor. He wanted to make sure what was going on with him.

"Bapi, the color of the item is exhausted."

The sound of Radukan Altan made Serena turn. So washed away he daydreamed, he forgot that down there - on that velvet carpet - Ares and Altan were coloring together. The two men of different generations sat cross-legged in the same style. Making Serena smile calmly look at him.

"Yes, use another color. There are many other colors." Ares turned a glance, then continued polishing his image.

"Wouldn't. Altan already has a car color using color items. Altan did not want to change the color. Come on, Pi, let's buy some more crayons." Altan began to whine shaking his father's indifferent arm just kept coloring.

Serena, watching him, got out of bed and gathered near Altan. "Altan, don't be so fussy, honey. Mending Altan was the first image of another, which had no items. Continues tomorrow if you have bought crayons again, new Altan car color."

"Wouldn't. Altan wants it now. We'll buy it now."

"But it's so cloudy, you know. Hold on for a second."

"Mamiiii. Altan mau krayon. Let's buy."

"Alta---

"It seems Altan still has crayons, deh," Ares' voice made Serena turn. Then the man raised his head. "Meetinget I once bought him crayons right after school pick up. But at that time he did not bring in his crayons. Maybe it's still in my car, or the trunk. Cheque gih. I'd like to continue coloring."

Ares is back to coloring. With a stifled smile, Serena gave a surprised look. How strange. Who's the real kid here? Why does Ares look more serious and colouring than Altan?

After scavenging Ares' car keys in her hand, Serena reached the front page and opened the trunk of the car. There's not much he can find there. Only a few boxes contained unused files, flip-flops, two pairs of work shoes, a light blue box, then a black crackle.

"Maybe this is the time." Mumbled Serena pulled her black crackle. And yes, it is. When opened it is crayon.

A moment will close the trunk door again, Serena's hand suddenly restrained. He thought of something. Glanced at the light blue box in the corner near the work shoes.

What box is that? Her thought.

Without thinking anything, he brought the light blue box over. Then opened the box lid because it could not resist curiosity.

Hm?! His forehead is shrinking looking at the contents. Whatisthis? Scuffed paper circles, a glass jar bearing the black marker "migraine drug for you", a polaroid patch arranged face down, then a tape recorder.

Confused, Serena weighed the voice recorder in her hand. Who's this thing? Do you have Ares? Then casually, he press the red power button at the top of the tool.

"Hi, Res."

Serena was shocked when the tape recorder went off. Whose voice was that greeting Ares?

"I actually bought this tape recorder because I was confused about what to write. Did you see a lot of scuffed papers in that box? Hehe. Sorry I went in there. I intentionally. Let you know it's not easy for me to write this farewell..."

Serena's eyes reflexively glanced at the paper circle inside the box. 

"...Antares, I know this is surprising to you. It's too sudden and without news. But not for me, Res. After that day, all night I thought about this. Looking for what path I should take and what steps I should take..."

"...Everything feels confusing until I'm dead-end and can't think of anything else. Brain's stuck. And the only word that stopped by my brain last night was to leave. That one word..."

"...I don't know what I'm feeling right now, Res. Everything's empty. All I want is calm. And that I won't be able to get if I stay here..."

"...I hope you understand what I have chosen and decided. This is so hard for me. So don't make me feel guilty with you who's drawn into grief..."

"...We're LDR once again okay? Can not? It should be able to. I've tried hahaha..."

"...If I miss this, yes. Or if not, make a noodle with raw egg. But do not go away, later stomach pain. He also ate his migraine medication. Polaroids don't get thrown away, I'm having a hard time with the moto. Oh yeah, I brought a picture of a gapapa, right? The photo you again wear a fake mustache fitting the theater in school first, because I really like the photo, you look funny hugged me..."

Suddenly, Serena's heartbeat spurred uncontrollably. Is it possible that this one is talking about Carnations? Is it possible that this box and all of its contents are Carnations?

"...Yes, no, no length. I thirst. May you keep the spirit of your days. Don't be sad I'm gone..."

"...Don't forget to fix everything, too. In particular, your home. Honestly, I still feel like your wife is not wrong about this. Maybe you're just lacking communication..."

Whatdoes thatmean? 'What's your 'household? Does this mean a household of himself and Ares? And what does this woman know to say that 'your wife is not wrong in this matter'?

"...Keep doing well. Bye, Antares. REMEMBER THAT! DON'T FIND ME UNTIL I GET HOME BY MYSELF!..."

"...Greetings, from Carnations."

Booms!

Tremor had Serena's hand for a moment. His mouth opened so shocked.

Carnations?

Carnations?!

So the owner of the sound in this tape recorder is really Carnation?!

Oh God.

Still shaking, Serena's hand put the tape recorder back on. His eyes were staring at all the contents inside.

Carnations are indeed gone. That's why Ares never saw him again. But this, this memory he left behind, was strange to Serena. She acted as if she knew the state of Ares' household and herself. Is it possible that Ares shared their household story with others? But... is anyone else's carnation for Ares? Serena doesn't think so. Carnations are not someone else. In fact he's not just a Serena-hate to say this-lover to Ares, but it seems like more than that.

If not wrong, he had said; 'fitting the theater at school first', then; 'we LDR once again, it's never been'.

The two sentences tie the conclusion in Serena's brain that the two of them have known each other from school days. Long before Ares knew him. Is it possible that Anyelir is Ares' ex-lover who came back again after their LDR? Then he felt disappointed to find out Ares had married and finally decided to leave again?

I swear on anything! Who is the carnation?! What's her figure like?!

Does he have to recklessly figure out what kind of Carnation from a sliver of polaroid he left behind?

For whatever reason, there was a feeling of fear and anxiety as he glanced at the photos. His fingers were stroking doubtfully. In fact, he only needs to reverse one, one photo, then everything is fine. That'sthat's all. That's all!

In his desperate name, he took one of the top photos. Slightly vibrating. Then-then

"Mommy!" the photo fell again because Serena jumped. He looked up where Altan was yelling at him from the balcony. "Splash! Altan wants to use his crayons."

"Yeah. Ja. A moment."

Without thinking about anything else or just once again glancing at the polaroid she was holding, Serena closed Ares' luggage door and left from there.

In fact, in the polaroid that had been accidentally reversed, Serena could see what the face of Carnation was like.

...• • • • •...

Welcoming the night, Serena lay with a troubled feeling. This afternoon really made him think. That light blue box, its contents, tape recorder, the sound of Carnations, everything swirled wildly.

He glanced at Ares who had just been sitting on the side of the bed, then lay down next to him. The man pulled out the blanket, then closed his eyes.

Serena thought, should she ask Ares about this? Is this the right time? But...how should he start? He wasn't even ready to hear the truth of what he would know if he asked Ares. But, he can also go crazy if he continues to be curious like this. It would be better to ask, right than to completely lose his mind?

"Res," he called her timidly. I wish Ares had gone to sleep so I wouldn't ask. But no! Ares even cleared his throat-forcing Serena to continue her reckless intentions earlier. "Uhm... c-stories... yuk stories?"

Really am! That was all Serena thought. Let it be.

"Udah malaem. Sleep time. Not talking."

"But I'm not sleepy." Her great-grandchild.

"Next to sleep."

"Temenins."

"Tomorrow Monday. Must work."

"Come on. Just a minute."

Ares opened his eyes slowly, then looked at Serena. Somehow he felt Serena's tone of voice was different. Not as rude and seductive as usual. It's like an urgent request. Little fretful. And so did Ares see in his eyes.

"What is this malem-malem story?"

"What aja. Story.... about... You might?"

"What story about me? If you're told everything when it's done?"

"School is school. How are you."

"Yes what cake. Exckul you kek, the organization you join kek, or... Your ex fit that school?"

Ares sighed lazily. "The theater, no OSIS, no girls. That's."

"Well, you don't have any ex at school?"

"In school, not in school."

"I'll answer. Is there an ex not fit for school?" Serena shook her husband's arm. Really impatient.

"I'm told there's nothing. That's a big bully, anyway!"

Should Serena be relieved? That means, his conjecture that Anyelir is a former Ares means wrong?

"Which girl are you taking?"

Ares blurted because he was really careless. What does Serena want to do with her past? Better ask directly than this. Fucking women!

"There was. Satisfied?"

"Who?"

Ares glanced and pushed back Serena's forehead. "You know it. I want to sleep."

"But---

"Don't bother!" He pulled the blanket over his face.

...• • • • • ...

At the time tomorrow had to work and even wake up in the early hours this is a torture for Ares. About fifteen minutes he was just daydreaming looking at the ceiling of the room. I don't know what makes him unable to sleep like this. But he thinks this has something to do with his conversation with Serena before bed.

School term. School period. Ten years ago.

June 15, 2011

Semester Mid-Test Week at SMA 405 Jakarta has been completed. The learning was abolished first and replaced by competition events held massively between schools throughout Jakarta.

Ares, standing in front of the glass put up his fake mustache. Today his theatre team will be performing for the race. The story of Pramoedya Ananta Toer's novel 'The Human Earth. He got the lead role-Minke-who thought of it as his last role before a few more months of graduation.

The classroom that was transformed into a wardrobe room was so noisy. Full of voices memorizing the dialogue, asking for their costumes, shouting nervously, and others. Not to mention it's noisier out there. Looks like there's a marching band, I don't know.

"Nye, how do I look?" Ares asked anxiously, shortly after Anye-her best friend-who smiled widely.

"Make, Mas Minke." Ccr! He photographed Ares with an SLR hanging from his neck.

"Really?"

"Yes. Cute. Especially the use of the mustache hihi."

"I'm really nervous, Nye. Fear of wrong dialogue, fear of no expression, fear of losing the race."

"Ck! Relax just the next time. Must have won, really. Believe it, deh."

"You're good to say that because you don't participate in exculpation. Lah me?" Ares glared in reply to the mild ruckus of Anye. Ares's childhood friend did not participate in any exculpation. He said too lazy. He prefers to take pictures. And it's a pity that in this school there's no such exculpation.

"Eh, Res, yuk's photo? Bentar," then he dizzy looking for a friend and waved his hand. "Brach! Here, Ham! Please picture me with Ares, dong."

After the camera was held by Ilham, Anye closed the body next to Ares. Stand up and hook his arms and smile broadly.

Ccr!

"Thanks, Ham," Anye smiled wider and saw the shots of Ilham in her camera. "Liat, Res, good. You're also funny wearing a gini mustache."

"Yes." Yeah." Ares smiled as he looked around.

"Entar I want to print the polaroid too. Let it be taped to the wall of the room."

"Hm. Okay." Okay."

"REPRESENTATIVE OF EVERY EXPULSION IS TOLD TO COLLECT!" the scream came from Fadil, the head of OSIS, who suddenly opened the door. "WHO HERE IS MY REPRESENTATIVE."

"Gue, Dil." Ares who was the leader of this exculus raised his hand.

"Here you go, Res."

"Nye, I'm staying tight." Pamit Ares to Anye who was answered with a smile, then the girl again looked down busy on her camera.

Along this 3rd floor corridor was completely filled with students watching the race. Ares had to cram and nudge people several times. Plus the sound of the marching band race was very noisy. Makes Ares even more upset.

"Eh, Res," Dito-one of Ares-'s friends who was watching on the edge of the parapet, pulled Ares up to Ares' chest touching the iron look down. Looky!"

"What the hell is loe?!" spray Ares on Dito. "Gue wants to gather! Why did you drag me here?!"

"That's it first," Dito pushed Ares' cheek down again. "That one! The major! That's a big shot, right?!"

Dito is one of Ares' playboy friends. Many female acquaintances. And he also often offers Ares one of them. But, there was none that Ares liked. Besides because there is nothing suitable, he is also lazy to date.

But this time, for the first time, Ares was stunned by Dito's recommendation. He's silent. Lips tight. But clearly his heart was beating violently-even beating the crowd here. What kind of feeling is this? What could it be...

"He's a 143 Jakarta High School boy. Majoret's pride there." Dito embraces Ares' shoulder.

Ares turned his head. Staring at Dito for a moment. Then, without warning, he rushed back to his class. Hit anyone who gets in his way. Opening the classroom door with a single stomp, then making everyone look up.

"Anye, this minjem jerk." Ares pulls Anye's camera from her neck.

"Eh? Make what?"

"Make something anyway. I'll just give it a shit."

Ares ran out of the classroom again and brought the camera splitting the sea of humans. Up in front of the wall he had just occupied, he took a breath. Raise Anye's camera and aim at someone down there.

Ccr!

Smile Ares looking at the results of his shots. Well-favoured. Incredibly beautiful. The photos are no less beautiful than the original.

"Res!" Ares gasped for a pat on his shoulder. "Again what, anyway?"

"Huh?" he dropped his camera. "No."

"Why smile at yourself? What are you photographing?"

"Do you know what I'm photographing?" both of Ares' eyebrows shot up in teasing. Which actually makes Anye's eyebrows wrinkled in wonder. "Gorgeous girl!"

Anye's voice changed immediately. Quiet and somewhat surprised.

"Wanna see?" of course Anye advanced inquisitively. Ares pulls his camera to the back of the body. "Eitz! Can't do. Secret."

Ares chuckles. But Anye still did not display any expression or smile as usual. She's quiet. Face withers.

"You don't, Nye?" Ares leaned his face on Anye. "I think I have a crush on him, huh. Crazy, right?! There is also a girl I like!"

Before, Anye had never seen Ares this happy. But somehow, at a time like this Ares Anye can not even let go of a smile. Very difficult. Her joy somehow evaporated.

"Eh I minjem first your camera, huh? Move her pictures to her laptop. I also want to print a very good photo. I put it in my wallet, let him take me everywhere."

Now, tonight, in silence, Ares rubbed the old picture plan he had always kept in his wallet. A smiling major guided his line with an iron rod, capable of stirring the soul of the teenager Ares of the time, whom Ares always carried in his every step, and the present one, ares lay beside him. Late in his sleep. Wakeless. Peace.

Serena. The innocent girl who became his first love, the woman he always wanted to come to Indonesia every time he went back to college in England, the woman he saved his life by marrying five years ago.

Serena. So much that he loved her all his life. He gave everything he had in the name of love. And just because of one mistake, he could be so badly hurt. He always gave her suffering, heartache, and harsh treatment. This fact seemed to hit Ares' head. He realized he was so evil. How could he hurt the woman he said he loved? The woman who gave him a son? Serena's mistake was not necessarily the truth. And Serena has tried hard to correct all her mistakes.

Is it time for her to forgive Serena? Is it time for him to start a new chapter? Is it time for him to return to the way he used to?

Ares' hand stroked Serena's hair. Gently rubbed it as gently as her gaze, then muttered inwardly; "Since, no matter how much hurt you have ever given me, it all still loses this love. I can't lie to myself if I still love you. I still love you as much as I did the first time, as I used to. Seeing how persistent your struggle for our household is, now I know you love me so much. I promise you, after today, I will pay for every wound I ever loved. I will treat you kindly and lovingly again. Thank you for being so patient with me and staying this far. I love you. I love you so much."