Sticks And Spells For A Princess' Love
Routine Check

In my deep sleep I dreamt of getting pregnant with my thin body and convulsing body and Audrey accompanied me in the hospital with wet eyes. I couldn't speak because I had a slang in my mouth, I could only talk on my laptop with my eyes, Audrey held my hand, she saw me jerking and asphyxiating. No matter how I move my hands and feet, I cannot rub my tears; no matter how hard I try to get up, my body is very weak and feels pain with the baby in my womb. Because I was afraid I could not get up and talk, I woke up and suddenly I was short of breath. After waking up from a dream, my husband put me on a mask and I cried. After that I always dreamed every night and my body convulsed, but I could not believe if I would be disabled forever after giving birth to my son.

I was at Audrey's after she brought me home from the hospital. Actually, I always convulsed when I had a dream run out and had trouble breathing. To my dismay, I haven't been told about a disease that keeps me from walking. The sisters always followed me when I was shopping for vegetables with the greengrocer who used to pass by in the housing, I was like a fragile antique, to be taken care of whenever I went. The baby tube program process always makes me sick when I sleep and my chest hurts when I dream. Even my path became less powerful, was it because my heart was getting weaker and weaker by the day. It's been ten days, later in the afternoon the obstetrician came to give the last hormone medicine. Because my condition worsened without cause, Audrey restricted me to injecting hormones not every day she gave me a week or after three days of injections again. I tried to blend in with my new neighbors, although this would make them glance at me with a strange look.

Before I met the mothers at the compound, I met patients at a special hospital while I was undergoing X-rays and spinal cord retrieval. At the moment the mothers in the complex saw me sitting in an electric wheelchair, with infusions, ECG, and EEG. They also saw the nurse accompanying me.

The first time I couldn't wear the hijab was because I had to use oxygen and an infusion. The first impression when I met them was that I was so weak, in a wheelchair, my hands were still stiff, and every breathlessness had to use oxygen. And I became worried about making people suspicious of me who suddenly appeared. Nobody asked who my wife was? although I was constantly chatting with those who were shopping for vegetables with the greengrocer-how did people not care about the new neighbors but his condition was flawed. So please, don't be surprised when the ambulance every time it comes to the complex to deliver or pick me up who is sick every day. Don't tell a no-no.

I tried hard with my suddenly weak body condition. Neighbors always told me that Audrey's doctor always took a patient home and drove him to the hospital and said the patient my husband was carrying was very sick and could not be cured.

Are they telling me. I don't know what disease makes me sit in a wheelchair. I wondered why no one would explain the name of the illness I was suffering from, before I searched the internet, and I was suddenly critical of the illness I was experiencing. Feeling annoyed, I realized a reasonable reason - no one could know my illness. There may be a school until Junior High School or High School so still lay about my illness. If so, sometimes I like to hope that it is better they do not tell me the name of the disease that made me have a sudden heart attack because my heart is weak can not be happy or sad. Nobody knew last month that Audrey took me to her house.

How depressing.

No one was familiar with my husband at this compound and no one wanted to check his illness into Audrey. People often go to other doctors or buy herbs. But, believe me, this type of person is more pleasant than people who often comment on the ugliness of someone regarding the results of the examination. I stopped to chat because it was crowded, the nurse paid for the vegetables I bought and drove me into the room. Audrey came home early, she slept on the bed with a matted and exhausted face. There's no data on my lab results, especially the diseases that make me hard to walk.

When he woke up from his sleep he sat down and lifted me up to the bed, like he wanted me to be with him. Only occasionally, when I was with her my chest started to tighten and sting - making her sad and tired of wiping my forehead, then massaging my stiff legs. Whether de javu's taste comes up again, I now don't know what happened to me and my husband anymore. I just need to get oxygenated and recover from the new epilepsy opening my eyes.

"Sus, please salivate Rita using a saliva vacuum. Rita, wake up, baby. You have to be strong" said the panicked Audrey.

"I've sucked, and everything's normal again doc." Sister giving vitamins.

"I why?" many wonder.

"You've had convulsions, your epilepsy's relapsed." Audrey then saw the videotape when I was critical. From that Vidio I looked terrible with convulsions, a mouth full of foam, my eyes twinkled and I was out of oxygen. He wished I didn't have to go anywhere and search the internet about my illness. I wanted so badly to talk to her and hold her tight, crying on her shoulders. The last time I cried and asked about my illness was when she first brought me home. I was still disappointed that he would not open up to me and tell me about my illness, even though I would not lie with my eyes closed after hearing the story. But she still takes care of me, and tries not to make me sad. Vidio saw me convulsing, with eyes looking up, and a mouth full of foam, he said, I'm not going to see it again it's going to make the night painful for me because I don't know if I'm going to have convulsions tonight after seeing a critical recording of myself.

I then idly listen to good songs so that my disease does not recur.Yes Allah, tell me what makes me weak like this, "Please, don't make me sick. I can't hold it. my soul is weak."

Then I cried on my husband's shoulder nonstop. And in an instant the worry became a sense of pleasure because accompanied by Audrey who was always on standby.

He stood up and helped me sit in a wheelchair, then took a basin of warm water and massaged my stiff legs. I sat down, hoping he wasn't tired from taking care of me.

"I'm sorry that my feet are foot drop and stiff," I said trying not to make Audrey look sad to see me being deformed. Because I'm still thinking about my sick father Amyotrophic lateral scleriosis, a rare disease that my father suffered. My father is Italian he is Muslim and his family moved to Jakarta because of work. Maybe ALS disease is only in the suffering of foreign people or congenital diseases. I was also suspicious of my congenital disease whether I also had ALS.

"I'm sorry, Rita. I haven't been able to find any blood suitable for you and your foster father." Audrey's voice shook on my shoulder. "Yeah ..maybe it's a test of my life to hold back my aching heart. It's okay," I said. I stroked my husband's head.

Audrey, don't feel guilty for not being able to treat the disease that's eating my organs.

"Ah, sorry I cried." Why are you apologizing to this weak woman. I tried to dry the tears on her cheeks. Moved my trembling hand to touch his face.

"I beg you not to cry. If you cry, we'd better divorce. I don't want to make you sad." I hugged my waist and cried in my husband's arms. He suddenly held my hand and kissed her.

"Audrey, don't make me sad you'd better take a fresh shower." Audrey kissed my forehead and went to the bathroom. He went to take a long shower and I saw a picture of me and him getting married on the wedding album. And that's the happiness in my heart, first finding a soulmate. Sometimes I think I can't make him feel guilty and I blame my lame legs and my weak body. I noticed his face from day to day getting tangled.

"It looks fresh." I smiled at him. "Well you look like the Audrey I know is cute, smart, and kind."

Audrey smiled at me and sat beside me while sleeping on my shoulder.

"Stand on your shoulders his fatigue is gone. No matter if you're sick or healthy, you're the one who makes me strong enough to face this test and encourages myself when I'm tired when I'm done."

Various thoughts of wanting to inject death have disappeared from my mind. I remember that humans should not despair and commit suicide, said my teacher njai. Today was so dramatic, somehow Audrey suddenly cried and when I came home shopping I felt like I couldn't live anymore.

"We're in the living room. I want to see the sun and people. Today we should both see the clouds or go to the park." Audrey looked up at me and led me to the terrace, we both saw people on the porch.

If only I could walk and exercise this morning with him.

"It's quiet, it's not tired like that." I comforted Audrey and held back my trembling hands. "Thank you, it has brought me back as usual again. Thank you for marrying an orphaned doctor who's alone."

But thank you it makes me so happy, even though my hands can't stop shaking.even though I'm acting healthy and fit, Audrey's spinning vidio makes my aunt call on my phone.

"There's a phone call, I'll pick up." Audrey helped me get my phone out. My aunt was worried about my weakened state, worried about me. I tried to convince myself that my epilepsy was due to stress or that I was surprised to see the scenery at home.

At least Auntie had calmed down when me and Audrey were fine. She was worried because Audrey told my aunt that I was having seizures every night, and my biological father was relieved to know that I was okay. It was clearly heard on his laptop voice phone.  I turned off the phone, but it fell out of my hand. Audrey squatted in front of me and took the phone, she cleaned it up. I opened an email from my aunt on the laptop located in my wheelchair using my eyes.

Dear Rita's

Aunty made the clothes you ordered and auntie know the size of your clothes. Aunt to your house tomorrow, take care of yourself. Don't make Audrey sad.

from Aunt

The rain in Jakarta was gone when I was in the hospital and begged Audrey to tell me about my illness. Audrey hugged me tightly and she trained me to walk. I cried throughout therapy and came home. The next morning I whined to ask him to tell me why I shouldn't have children. He hugged me and cried. At that moment I realized that I had placed a heavy burden on my husband. My aunt said tell Audrey to go to Monas for a short break because she's been working without a break. Even so it was difficult to take Audrey to the park when the clouds were not cloudy.

My foster mom realized how valuable I was - she called me on Thursday last month when I checked in at the hospital.

"Rita, do you still have frequent convulsions? If you are often, in the hospital. I'm worried about you, son." Her tone sadly told me to stay in the hospital.

"Well, don't worry about me. I'm fine just vertigo and shock at the new atmosphere" I calm her down. I don't want my adoptive mother to be sad, she still has an obligation to take care of my adoptive father.

"Thank God you're not like you used to be." She is a caring mother because she could not have a miscarriage and her husband who at a young age has often been sick because of stiff person syndrome.

"Let's get well soon, I miss you both." I send my greetings to my foster father.

The next day I was surprised my aunt and foster mother came to my house to visit me. They prepare me food and wipe my body and I'm glad they're not sad. I feel like I have two guardian angels and two guardian angels. My concern arises when they both have wrinkles on their foreheads, there must be something going on with my adoptive father and my birth.

Aunty's husband was still chatting outside with Audrey. "Tante and mama what's going on?" My voice is raucous and unclear. "Is my father and foster father sick again?"

"They both had a critical time maybe the disease makes shortness of breath and is better now," said my adoptive mother. Thankfully, my father and foster father have improved.

Mother still did not tell the condition of the foster father, her wrinkled face marked bad. But he didn't tell me about my father's condition and my foster father's hospital stay.

Audrey came into the room when she saw that I was dressed in Muslim clothes. "Rita, you're so beautiful. Like we got married first."

"She's done I make up and I wipe her body," said aunty. Audrey sighed and pushed me outside with her. "I can finally smile now. All this time you didn't want to dress up and eat."

 I ignored his comments and suddenly my tears fell. From the inside of the bag, I spread the earphones and tuned the murotal. When we arrived at the living room, Audrey carried me. I grabbed her shirt and my aunt took my wheelchair. As usual, Audrey always cried when she carried me, when I got to the passenger seat I wanted to wipe her tears she wore a seatbelt for me.

Unfortunately my attempts to comfort her did not succeed in making her seem happy.

"Honey, mom and aunt to the hospital." Aunt and Mom walked out the fence and waited for something. "Son Audrey, take care of Rita Yes."

"Mah carefully. Aunt too." Audrey and I drove out of the house past them both. "I don't deserve to wear this dress and dress pretty. I rarely go out."

"You deserve to wear anything, my dear." Audrey pulled her car over at the compound park while wiping away tears. " This is the second time I cried after my parents died of illness. I don't know what else to do to heal you. I don't regret marrying you, but I'm sad every time you don't get excited and smile."

I let her hug me for a moment, though I was relieved she loved me. Her face looked sad. I feel guilty.

"Why are you talking like I left you?" I let a disappointed tone emerge from my voice.

"I'm afraid every time I see you critical as if you can't live" he said. I couldn't hold back my tears and my hands held her waist tightly. God, give me a lot of time and help me to walk. I wish she had finished crying. I saw she had stopped crying and was heading to the highway. On the highway the first time I saw a vehicle. Oh my God, this feeling is coming up again.

"Rika, we'll stop by Monas Park. Rica, Athaghfirullah. Honey, calm down." Maybe Audrey was busy looking for oxygen or medicine to treat my epilepsy.

"We're looking for a place to rest, yeah."

"Mas, I've been good." Audrey hugged me tightly and I stroked her short hair with my limp hands.

"Are we going to the hospital tomorrow?" Will Audrey take me to the hospital?

"No," I assure you. "I want to be home with you and we'll rest."

"Why not go to the hospital?" ask Audrey.

I don't want to say that in the hospital I was suddenly critical and in a coma for a week, so I racked my brain to work out a plan.

"You need to rest with me. If you go home to the office you will come home and hug me immediately" I said. After all I did want Audrey at home with me and didn't want her to go home or even be busy taking care of patients and myself in the hospital.

"Can't you be in the hospital, you're weakened again and your health is deteriorating again?"

"Sorry, this time I want to be with you alone" I said. "So we're at home and permission to the professor or the hospital manager for a few weeks' leave."

"Thank you once again. You always seem healthy even if your illness has not healed" he said with a hearty heart. I closed my eyes and held her shoulder, just then my tears fell. Audrey kissed my forehead and released a hug, she got out of the car and crossed over to the supermarket, I waited in the car quietly while holding oxygen.

I took a breath and opened my eyes. I wept as she opened a wound in my husband's heart. Shortly afterwards Audrey came and saw me crying nonstop. He sat in the driver's seat and wiped my tears. I opened my eyes and was surprised my husband was crying while drying out the tears that were soaking my cheeks. I can't doubt I can't stop crying. My chest is starting to hurt.

"I knew you as a therapist and the second meeting when you had a little birthday party. You were in a beautiful dress and wearing a mask, but your lips meant you didn't like it. I asked your foster parents for permission and accompanied you, and you were willing to be a companion to accompany me to dance." Audrey explained the details when I was twenty years old, it was a time when I wanted to party and friends but because my heart was weak and I could not be stressed or tired so I was a 20-year-old teenager who was at home with no friends like I was a kid just my foster parents. The time when I had to take medicine a lot and check my heart health. It was such a sad time that I had to be taken to the hospital for my epilepsy to recur and I had trouble breathing right then and there my heart was beating fast looking for oxygen.

"Thank you for accompanying me when I needed passion and happiness" I said. Audrey looked cheerful again as she let go of the hug and drove the car down the road.

Audrey POV

Why does Rita not want to go for a walk, why is she moody. Every time he convulsed, the first thing I thought about was how I could cure my sick wife. I was surprised to see her so beautiful and sholeha, but she said that the dress should be worn for people who are not sick and disabled. I had a sudden shock on the way he convulsed, his eyes up, and his mouth frothy. Did I take him wrong to go to Monas?

Pessimistic as always, I tried to calm Rita who still uses oxygen in her nose, I smiled because I had chosen to be her life companion. But I can't keep smiling because my wife is still weak with the tube on her nose and the oxygen mask she wears makes me a coward and a pessimist to look for a blood donor.

I can't believe she survived being pregnant, every time she had her heart convulsions beat so fast and the ECG signaled she was in critical condition. I couldn't hold back my tears, but Rita held her chest every time I was sad.

"Mas, I'm not sure I can go to Mona" he said. His skinny and petite hands were shaking nonstop. Sadly, this is more than sad this is too dangerous. Every night he's in critical condition, I worry about his heart. He's convulsing, and foaming. Even at a time like this, he was suddenly in pain and wanted to go home. I hugged Rita and calmed her down, as much as I could for my wife's sake.

I tried so hard that my wife wouldn't go back to convulsions, and since she still hasn't been able to have surgery, I took epilepsy medication.

"Mas, I don't want to take medicine."

"And yesterday was checked the results are good, you are still weak Rita. At the drink." I drank water and Rita wanted to swallow the medicine I gave her. But when I gave her medicine, Rita suddenly daydreamed and her lips seemed to eat something. I hurry to the next rest area and I park my car, I take out the oxygen in her nose and I put the Oximeter fingertip on my wife's index finger. I sucked the foaming in her mouth so as not to choke and my wife could breathe again. I put an oxygen mask on her nose, she's still convulsing and foaming at the mouth.

"Rita, you must be strong, dear. Come to your senses, dear" I said as I tilted her weak body. When he was conscious of his epilepsy, I drove up and down the big road and looked for a quick path to Monas. Rita's adoptive mother told me that my wife was found disabled by a doctor because from the age of five my wife had convulsions and her heart was leaking, the professor who taught the course also told me Rita's age is on the edge.

"Audrey, I'm sorry I suddenly relapsed." Rita looked sorry, I wiped a tear on her cheek. He shouldn't have apologized, I've said over and over again that I wasn't being troubled by him.

Slowly I saw that the road was still jammed, not yet reaching the shortcut to Monas. "We will take a shortcut, so as not to get stuck again," I said.

"Will you carry me when you get to Monas?" tanyakanya. I nodded, when I saw the front of the other car had started to walk slowly. I follow the front car and I find a shortcut to Monas.

I found a shortcut to Monas and I turned my car into a road that didn't get stuck. Finally we found a road that is not mace, while driving the car I was looking for a round the road so that it is not too far to turn. My body felt sore I pulled the car near the sidewalk. I saw Rita convulsing while opening her mouth. Rita's hands and feet jerked unnoticed, her eyes closed, her mouth gaping for air. I gave a moderate dose to Rita to stop her convulsions. After a few minutes, Rita regained her senses and breathed quietly, her chest motionless.

"You're getting better, honey?"  Rita answered my words with a wink, I drove back the car and headed to Monas. When I got in front of Monas, I opened the driver's seat door and got down, then I opened the door at the back I lowered the wheelchair. I put the wheelchair near the passenger seat door in front. I opened the door and I carried my wife, my wife's body thin and light.

Monas Park.

I pushed Rita into Monas Park, she was in a wheelchair wearing an oxygen mask. People are not crowded around Monas due to office hours.

"If I could walk and not get sick, we could play badminton here" he said in a weak voice.

"I'm grateful you can sit in a wheelchair, baby." I'm not sure Rita said that. Is she inferior to thousands of healthy, non-disabled women? For me it is not the health of my wife but the sincerity of her heart. "I thank God that you are still given the opportunity to live. Every night I cry and get scared because you're convulsing. We don't know when we're gonna die."

I took out the porridge in the wheelchair bag, I put it in the syringe, then the syringe containing the porridge I put into the long tube slang in Rita's nose.

"I would love to eat rice or other snacks" Rita said in tears. I hugged him and I rubbed his backs.

"You have to be strong for surgery, tomorrow we're consuls and road therapy at the hospital" I told my wife.

Rita held onto her chest with a thin hand and a slight tremble. "When can I have surgery for my deformed heart and my brain surgery?" ask her in a weak tone. I can't answer even if the blood donor is there, but Rita's blood pressure is not stable. I smiled and moved his hand. I pressed my wife's hand so her blood flow would be smooth. I carry my wife on my shoulders.

POV Rita's

Audrey carried me, and put me in the grass, and Audrey's hands massaged my stiff legs.

"Have you got an email from my real mom yet?" I miss my real mother, I want to walk in Monas with Mas Audrey and Mom.

I closed my eyes and took a slow breath through my nose, realizing I was shedding tears. He still hasn't spoken.

"Mas, I don't want to die when I miss my mom. Did he visit my real father yesterday?" I asked, my hands and feet still jerking with their own. Mom, look at me being sick. I thought about mom.

"Tomorrow we'll go to the hospital and ask your aunt if she's seen your real mother or not." He convinced me that my illness would not recur. "I'll check email when we get home."

I can finally relax. My legs don't tremor anymore. Audrey picked me up and put me in a wheelchair.

"I'll try to forgive him" I said, with my sincere smile.

"We went around Monas, yes" he walked around pushing the wheelchair I was in. "It feels like this holiday all my anxiety is gone."

My husband and I were resting around the park.

"Mas, I'm so worried. Go to the toilet." Audrey took me to the public restroom. "I'm not used to adult pressers yet."

We both went to the public restroom, when we got in front of the toilet door Audrey was waiting outside and I went in by myself.

"If so, we'll go home." Maybe Audrey's worried because Ayan's disease or epilepsy often comes when I'm stressed or thinking about something. "If there's anything, tell me. I'm waiting outside."

"Don't worry, I'm okay."

He knew I had a sudden heart attack too. When I was in the toilet again, my chest hurt.

"Darling, let's go home. Tomorrow we're going to see a heart doctor."

"A moment, I wash my hands again" I said quietly. I went out and met my husband.

"You're pale, we're going to the hospital!" Audrey persuaded me to the hospital. I held her hand and shook her head when Audrey called to call the hospital. I held back my aching chest and my legs started shaking. I pretended to look better with my body in pain, but of course my hand suddenly jerked so I could hardly breathe. I tried to open my mouth to breathe oxygen, thinking I was dying here. Then the convulsions I had healed and the epilepsy I suffered did not recur. He pushed me quickly towards the outer courtyard of Monas, then carried me and placed me in the passenger seat in front. He went to the driver's place and drove his car, his face anxious.

"You don't have to hurry, I'm better" I comforted him.

He pulled back. "Do you want to die, look at your unwell condition" he said angrily. I turned my face away and did not reply. Audrey was driving her car following the GPS, I sighed from the tightness and leaned on the car. We don't talk to each other.

I got up and checked the clock on the engine. Audrey drives a car, she takes me to a hospital dedicated to nerves and heart disease, I don't know why she's being dishonest. Sometimes I want to end this marriage, because I'm weak and can't please my husband. Today I am very sorry for lying about my improved health. I kept my eyes closed not wanting to talk to my husband, I wanted him to take care of me and I just obeyed his orders today. We arrived quickly at the hospital.

As usual, my husband carried me and he put me on a push mattress. I almost fainted because my heart was relapsing, he immediately put oxygen in my nose. The problem I can't have the child is overcome, I will endure the pain during the baby tube process. I had to talk to my husband, to take myself to the VVIP room but not the ICU. My biological father might be angry if he heard I refused to take the medicine from the doctor.

I almost had a seizure in Monas earlier and had heart failure in amazement at the sight. Well, the foster parents didn't let me go out because I had heart disease and epilepsy. Just today I went for a walk with Audrey and saw Monas. Then I felt this was a beautiful sight when I was in Monas. I saw my husband take me to the VVIP room, maybe he knew I was silent because I didn't want to take the drugs from the doctor. Arriving at the VVIP room, there was a fellow Audrey and a nurse who were waiting for us both.

I closed my eyes.

"Mas, I want to stop taking drugs" I said.

"I've talked to my partner, tomorrow the obstetrician will inject hormone drugs into your body."

"Why are you taking me to the hospital now?" ask me while breathing slowly. I don't know what he meant.

"Rita, your husband last night called me. He asked me to check your heart, and I told him after a walk to take him to the hospital because your heartbeat is unstable." His voice explained that my condition was getting worse.

"Am I not able to have heart surgery. You see, it's hard every time I move my hands every time my heart runs out and my epilepsy comes back" I said with fear because every day it's hard to walk.

"Later afternoon of road therapy is still open, later your husband will take you to therapy to detect whether your walking ability is getting better or not."

"Mas, don't take any medical drugs. I want to continue the pregnancy program. I'll try to learn to walk." I can only say that, my head is already messed up because my walking ability has weakened.

"Your condition has not fully recovered, the Pregnant Program must be delayed. If your condition can be operated on, continue the baby tube program" said Audrey. Doctor Steven agrees with my husband.

I decided to obey Steven's doctor's orders, maybe Audrey already knew that my condition was getting worse and my illness was worse. I let out a breath. "Well, I'll agree to what the doctor says, I won't force."

"Thank God, if you agree to it" he said. "Let's check your heart if it gets worse or still like yesterday."

With my circumstances like this, I can only hope that a miracle can be normal again. I saw Audrey talking to Steven's doctor.

He finished talking to Steven's doctor and drove out of the room, I couldn't hear him talking that I knew he had permission to negotiate with Steven's doctor. I can't imagine giving birth normally with my unhealed illness?

I slept waiting for my husband to come back to accompany me in a cramped room. I can only now think about whether I can have a child, go through Audrey's old age and die together. That's what I was thinking. Audrey was done dropping off her friend, she opened the door and entered the ICU room.

"Rita, are you okay?"

"My husband, don't leave me alone again and please I just want us both to live the family together with our son later" I held Audrey's face when my eyes could still see her today. I saw his handsome face on the appeal of my face, he loved me for who I was no matter my appearance or my limitations. Our love is like the love of a dove always being faithful. Yes, God please give me a longer time, I want to hold my husband's hand and accompany him while I am still strong and still breathing. I pray for our love with my sincere heart. But now I can't make her laugh every day she cries when I'm on. I'm too bad for him because I can only be in a wheelchair right now. It's not that I don't want to go out, for Audrey I'm like this doesn't matter but for myself for my husband it's too hard. I just let her down and made her desperate like this. I glanced at Audrey not because of her but because of my weakness that irritated me. When I closed my eyes, my husband kissed my hand, the tears in my eyes suddenly dripped and I couldn't stand it. My hands were wet because my husband was crying too and his tears were soaking in my weak hands.

I tried to endure the pain in my chest and I held my husband's hand. So hurt. I managed to endure the pain and control the emotions that made my heart ache.

"Sorry, I'm always in the hospital and in the ICU. I'm troubling you." I'm sick-obviously my chest feels like it's on a prick and my lungs are like there's a shard of shard. I'm now hanging on to the same ventilator oxygen mask.

"You don't disappoint me. I don't care if you're healthy or sick, you're still my wife." Audrey pecked my forehead.

It calms me down because he is always there to accompany me.

"Later the professor of cardiologists will check your heart condition, the nurse has brought a heart examination device. The professor is still on his way to the hospital" he continued.

"I will wait for the master teacher who will examine my weak heart." My voice is a bit raucous. I had to be strong when the check-up came out, because last month's check-up I didn't know what stage my illness was.

"Yes, I know for sure you'll be waiting for the results" she admitted.

"I want no more lies."

He kissed my forehead and smiled. "I want you to be in surgery soon to make you smile again."

I know that as long as I'm married to him just one smile but it's not every time.

"I'm sorry, husband," I tried to hold back the tears that were dripping down my cheeks. I can't hold my tears. "I want to find out why I have to put off having children?"

"You're resting, it looks like fatigue hasn't slept yet."

I'd love to hug my husband and cook all the time. Then the four of us after finishing work can take a holiday out of town. I can't wait to continue the baby tube program, after that at home with Audrey.

From her face Audrey looks tangled, maybe she's been keeping me all day afraid I'm critical again.

A faithful man accompanied me, attentive, and clever always accompanied me who was weak. Am I suitable for her with my deformed state like this?

No doubt he cried because he had to see me who every hour had to fight epilepsy. My chest began to hurt like it felt like I was holding.My hands were getting harder every second, I felt like dying from the pain every time my heart pumped blood every time I was anxious. I close my eyes.

But I was terrified as if I couldn't wake up from my sleep, and the pain was growing. I slowly opened my eyes, but I could not see clearly.

"Rita?"

"I'm just a little sick, don't ever leave me. I..fear ... alone..."

With my weak voice I tried to endure the pain that hurt so much in my chest. I tried to open my eyes that could not open because of the pain, and then I tried to open my mouth to breathe.

"Miss Rita is weak sir, she needs to be injected with painkillers." Sister's voice I can hear but I can't speak.

I don't know my chest like there's a shard in my heart, I can only cry or close my eyes every time it makes me critical. Luckily the pain was gone, maybe my sister and my husband had given me anti-pain medication. I opened my eyes, Audrey hugged me.

"Thank God, you've woken up from your critical moment." Which makes me critical that dreams in my memory never go away when I'm at rest, I had two children but I was in a wheelchair and could not talk or I had seizures every second in the hospital. Astaghfirullah, why am I even pessimistic to live.

While massaging, her eyes looked at my sad face - perhaps she knew I was thinking a lot.

"You're worried about your road therapy not going well?"

It's not a matter of therapy but I'm worried about being paralyzed when I have two sweet children, wanting to have children but now the nightmare haunts me. Why my body?

The heart doctor hasn't arrived yet, I can fill the time with road therapy in the therapy room. While I was moving my arms and legs which were still hard to move, the neurologist came to check my progress for therapy. I almost raised my hand when the neurologist came in.

Turns out he was just checking my legs and hands by hitting my hands with a nerve-checker. The doctor moved my leg carefully.

"There has been no progress, we wait for the results of the heart scan after the results come out good or bad later I decide for when to start road therapy. Because the professor cardiologist yesterday called if the condition of the heart improved may be therapeutic but if the condition gets worse then it is delayed."

I cried because my epilepsy made my walking and motor skills make me have to use a wheelchair. I had to practice walking even though my heart was getting worse, to get a child and the surgery had to be strong even though it would make me convulsions continuously. I'm still thinking - whether after having a child I got cancer because my immunity is weak and I go to the hospital every year, what I fear is that I am like in a dream and fight every hour with a thin body, a big belly, and convulsions. God, forgive me for being so pessimistic. I was pessimistic because heart surgery was delayed because my blood pressure was still low. And every time I am happy or sad that an epileptic aura appears, I fear that my epilepsy is as severe as my real father. Since the heart doctor hasn't arrived, I'm going to learn to walk again to prepare for heart surgery. I had to use a wheelchair.

After trying to breathe without oxygen, I had to be strong to walk. But my hands and feet are getting weaker every second and day, trying to move so as not to make my body tremble like this. What does my husband want, with my frail condition and lying in a wheelchair?

My heart beats unruffled and I have trouble breathing when my concentration is impaired. He must have wanted me to adopt a child, he would have wanted me to stop the baby tube program because I had heart disease.

Of course Audrey obviously didn't want me to have a child and wanted me to be with her, my chest aches-this isn't like last month's pain that I felt even more painful and made me in pain unable to move.

Before I go to the therapy room, I have to control my emotions because my heart health is more important. Every time I think, my chest hurts and I almost fainted fortunately I was able to control my emotions and endure the pain of my leaking heart. As Audrey was beside me, I had to be strong to walk even though this leg was hard to work with - these legs had to be trained. I had to stand strong even though this leg refused and made me tremble. Yes this is me, having epilepsy syndrome even though the epilepsy I suffered was not fatal but the seizures were always there.

After forcing my legs to stand up, I had to sit in a wheelchair because my heart was still in pain and every time my heart relapsed this would give me convulsions. As I sat down, Audrey helped me sit down and she drove me to the therapy room. He pushed me and opened the ICU door. I deliberately did not use ECG and EEG, not for fear of death but the noise of ECG every heart I met made Audrey cry so I refused to use ECG and EEG.

Audrey stopped in front of the ICU room and she suddenly hugged me from behind, "I'm afraid of losing you, every time you critical my mind is screwed up and consider myself a bodo general practitioner."

I heard Audrey's voice trembling as she cried as she hugged me. I could only sit in a wheelchair and not hold her. I am a flawed wife while my husband is a perfect man. I don't want to disappoint myself. I wanted to move the wheelchair but my chest hurt.

I bowed in pain, "Mas, get me some medicine to relieve the pain." My voice is unclear and disjointed. Audrey immediately turned around and squatted down, she stuffed heart medicine into my mouth.

"Back in the ICU, yeah." I shook my head, "I want to practice walking, I'm still strong."

I.. must...Audrey's gonna cry. I should be able to get up.  My strength came back from the wounds in my heart disease. I cannot be weak. Well, this is the first war between me and my illness. We both continued to the therapy room, my husband taking me to the room. In the hallway, I passed through the hallway there was a medical team helping a woman who was convulsing and her stomach was enlarged.

"Mas, why is that mother?" I held my chest and breathed air.

"He's just like you but worse. Epilepsy and heart disease, and when she married, she had a malignant tumor in her uterus. We could not have surgery because his heart was weak, "he replied.

I cried remembering my dream. "I dream just like my mother even my peurut swollen and I paralyzed my disease more terrible." Audrey stopped and hugged me again, "Don't make the dream flower come true. I'll try to make your blood pressure stable again."

For a moment he let go of the embrace. Then we helped me push the wheelchair even though it was an electric wheelchair but I was still limp and weak. I know this might be best for us. Audrey and I went to the elevator, and then we got into the elevator, and waited to get to the therapy. The distance between ICU and therapy is very far. I'm moved. My husband loves me for being loyal and not for being willing. He has the same interests as me and is even an orphan. I love him not because he is handsome or rich, but his good manners and religion. Every time he accompanies me, he never forgets to pray.

Oh God, I thank you for the gift that God gave me. I hope to be strong in therapy later. Moist weather makes the city of Jakarta look fresh, rain swallowed smog throughout the city of Jakarta. Thank God, at least it rained so that I was in the hospital so at home.

Audrey pulled out the cardigan in her wheelchair pocket. The color of the cardigan I like is cream. Then my husband put on me a cardigan, he put on the cardigan carefully by moving my hand slowly, while wearing the cardigan I read the prayer in my heart.

Oh God, strengthen me in therapy.  We move when we hit the number button on the 3rd floor. When she reached the 3rd floor, Audrey pressed the elevator door open button. We headed to the neurotherapy place when I first started the space therapy was still downstairs, now it's been moved upstairs.

The distance of the elevator and the therapy room is very close, so it does not take much time. While in the therapy room I went to the neurologist, he was like a professor of neuroscientists and bones. My husband opened the door and we went into the therapy room, in the therapy room there is still a room where the therapy development consultation. The therapist is a thank God girl, and the nurse is also a girl. Audrey waited outside after our consultation was over. Our conversation about the problem with my feet and hands is still difficult in movement.

But, of course, this worries me. Sister put it on my sore legs and on my back too.  It was a long time, he had oxygen in his wheelchair because I liked the sudden tightness and bloody cough. I'll be strong lest my epilepsy recur. I will survive this electrical therapy, but if the road therapy I leave it to God who knows all the events and contents of the hearts of all humans. I thought about when I could get a healthy heart and have children, as well as caring for a biological father in his old age with his rare disease. Audrey walked into the therapy room with me on the bed. He sat down while reading the Qur'an that he held.

When the neurologist came in and called Audrey. My husband's face suddenly somber when he found out the look of the neurologist's face. I can't figure it out because I'm still in therapy for a long time. But my husband is a stoic man, I can't make him sad or anxious when he's still in a worried face. I heard my husband's voice thank the neurologist, he went into the room with a curtain made of cloth covering the bed. I could probably put on a smiley face to make my husband smile.

"Pah, continue reading the Qur'an. In Shaa Allah, if you read the Qur'an, your heart will be calm. Whatever happens the next time I'm done with the risk. I've also resigned if my dreams come true because I still have the energy to accompany you."

It turns out that the time of electrical therapy is not too long. The female nurse took off the wires attached to my legs, hands, and back. I sat carefully. Audrey held my waist, I moved my legs and hands as much as I could. I have to be strong even if I fall and epilepsy comes. Looks like I'm capable.

"Mas... I.. will keep trying..walking so that heart surgery and resume baby tubes." Sweat all over my body came out, I stopped and rested. I was most upset about why my hands and feet were hard to work with.

"You need to be strong, please for my sake don't do the baby tube program."  Audrey why do you always make me sad.  Then Steven's doctor came and asked me about the development of my brain and spinal cord. I kept going even though my body was hard to move, but I had to be this strong for the sake of the tube baby program and for the sake of my little family.

"Mas Audrey?" I stopped to gather energy and calm my heart which made my chest like it was on a prick.

"Yes, Rita. What's up?" Audrey asked me back.

"Mmmm... I .. tightness .. atmosphere .. epilepsy I want to relapse."

(Disturbance when the activity of nerve cells in the brain is disrupted, leading to seizures.

Epilepsy can occur as a result of a genetic disorder or brain injury experienced, such as trauma or stroke.During a seizure, a person performs behaviors, feels symptoms, and abnormal sensations, sometimes including loss of consciousness. Epilepsy is usually treated with medication and in some cases with surgery, tools, or dietary changes).

"Are you okay, Rita?" I'm sorry I started to relapse, maybe you're now asking me how I am but I'm relapsing and I see I'm having a malignant tumor in the uterus now and the doctor sentenced me to not long life.

"The pulse is weak, the doctor immediately takes it to the ICU." People are not afraid of disease, whereas I want to live a healthy life free from epilepsy and a weak heart. I didn't want to trouble my husband-it made me just a burden for him-but I can only scream in fear looking inside my mind right now.

"Darling, wake up baby. Come back to me. Breathe in, dear." Thank goodness I was calm and able to breathe but it was hard.

"Sus, open the elevator door immediately and point my wife's body to the side."  I can only be silent because it feels like my body is paralyzed. I can't move and still be blank. After a few minutes I could see my husband.

"Mas, I'm afraid to be alone. Don't leave me." That was the first thing I said because the shadows when I was unconscious or my epilepsy was coming back were really hard to explain.

"I'm here, mah. You're not alone." My husband held my limp hand and I was just lying in bed with the infusion, my face in an oxygen mask. Audrey seems to be happy because I just came to my senses and I saw a sense of sadness on her face because of my circumstances.

"Can I study and record the profits of my foster father's restaurant company." I haven't checked my foster father's website in a long time, only we can open it. Well, I used the plural for my two foster parents and myself. I want to see if there's some funding for my foster father's treatment.

"Why is it?" he was surprised, like worrying about my health experiencing a drastic decline.

"I haven't seen a few months of increased profits from my father's restaurant, and I'd also like to find out who knows who can help me to more calmly cope with my illness." I have not seen the sales results of adoptive father for several months and in addition I have to read a lot of study books to find out more clearly the purpose described by Mr. Ustadz when I was fifteen the year. Not that I disobeyed my husband, I was worried about the condition of my foster father and biological father. The cost of treatment is very expensive and my aunt is just a State Civil Apparatus the money is not enough to seek treatment.

"If you're worried about your adoptive father and your biological condition, they've had some financial help from BPJS and the operating costs have been taken care of" he said, noting my anxiety.

"I'm not going to overtime just help foster dad promote his new food recipe and see his spending and income alone."

"Would you go to the park tonight? I'll accompany you if you want to relax let there be no thought. Tonight you take a break after checking the financial statements and looking for material from the clerics." he asked, he might have something very romantic to talk about.

"In God, I will rest." As I chatted with my husband in the elevator, the elevator already showed me downstairs in the ICU room.

"Miss condition has not been so recovered - if it is forced, it will be worse for the health of the lady. Professor cardiologists are already down and in the x-ray room." The three of us headed for the X-ray room to check my troubled heart.

I am still worried about the state of Yudi's father who is still in the ICU has not been aware because of respiratory failure. I want to see my foster father. He was the one who had raised me and brought together my biological father in the hospital while we were being treated.

Some nurses helped me when I entered the X-ray room. They were busy pulling out the infusion and oxygen, putting on a special X-ray and helping me stand up. Yeah, I'm getting tired and every time I stand up my body always tremors. When standing always falls or my body is like convulsions.

"Rita I'm going to see the professor, you're with the nurse huh." Audrey's soft voice sounded pitiful as she whispered in my ears.

"Don't be anxious and sad, turn your voice into cheerful. I'm not gonna die."

"Do you want me to be with you while you study?"

I tried to comfort her when she worried about me.

"I'll be fine, professor is waiting for you. If there's a problem I'll send the bell in the ICU later."

"Be careful, baby."

I pretended like I was strong to make my husband smile. Before long, the nurse helped me sleep on the X-ray bed and the place was already on set when I was tied up using a seat bell. Then I got into a dark x-ray. And, even like this my chest still hurts, how can I make Audrey smile every time my heart beats hurts. The rhythm in the heart is not bad. I once listened to my heart rhythm at home, when my husband was sleeping and I was wearing a stethoscope. Audrey was in shock and she helped me hear. I told her my heart was strange and unlike the sound of your heart.

Oh God, don't remember that. If I were to die here, Audrey would be depressed because of my severe circumstances.

"Miss, it's over with the examination." I woke up when the nurse woke me up. Audrey was already beside me and helped me get on the push-bed. My nose and hands are put on slang to feed me so I don't convuls.

"Thank you." I smile.

"Miss Rita are you taking fertility drugs?"

The professor of the heart, the lecturer who taught my husband suddenly asked.

"Yes, I'm taking hormone drugs to program baby tubes." Is there something wrong with my heart? Will I die from overuse?

Yes, God please give me my life. I want to have children and make Audrey happy. Don't take my life. Give me strength to walk and operate, O God.

I am only a weak creature and remember the explanation by the religious teacher that we live on this earth only briefly, all that we accomplish the rest we leave to God the creator of the universe and its contents. The content of the lecture as I studied religion at home with my parents and religious teachers.

Humans are weak, even, very weak creatures. As Allah says in the Qur'an,

يُرِيدُ اللّهُ أَن يُخَفِّفَ عَنكُمْ وَخُلِقَ الإِنسَانُ ضَعِيفاً ﴿٢٨﴾

"God wants to grant you relief, and man is made weak." (QS. An-lisa: 28).

We can see how helpless a human being is, how weak a human being is, When a previously healthy person, a person who still has a strong physique and his body, suddenly he is sick. And then he was taken to the hospital. Passing day, passing time. We found the once healthy, strong, fat man lying on the bed. In a weak state, little by little he became thin. He couldn't even raise his hand. Until time passed he could no longer bribe and lift a spoonful into his mouth. In fact, he had to be helped in order to drink. And we see how humans take lives? How does God see how weak people are? If we don't say insult! When the calf is tied to the calf, when the breath is stung, life is finally in the esophagus.

He sighed. "Your condition is increasingly concerning, I suggest we postpone the pregnancy program to make your pulse normal again" said the heart doctor who has an S3 degree abroad.

the next morning when I woke up from sleep, my neck had been attached to a hose and my body felt weak. If I were to ask why I became like this, my husband would not answer the question that left him dumbfounded. When I choked, I heard my husband's voice calling for the sisters and they cleaned the hose around my neck. I could open my eyes again and not have heart failure.

"When did you move me here?" my many.

"In the infusion already in the sleep medicine. Doctors recommend that you rest because your lungs and heart need rest. " I cried because I was too weak to open my eyes. Audrey rubbed tears on my cheek.

"You still don't explain what happened to me?" ask me the second time with a whiff. The ECG sounds abnormal.

"What do you mean, baby?" tanyanya while massaging my legs. When I threw my face away, Audrey kissed me on the forehead. I type in a laptop special disabled person.

"You hid my foster father's illness, my birth and my illness from me."

"Rita, you're still weak and that's what happened. You should just rest. Your illness is just tired." As usual, she did not want to answer my question with her quiet intonation voice and did not look surprised.

An email from the religious teacher came in. He sent me verses and hadiths to understand. And I opened the foster father's website, his income was on the rise. The profit graph on the website shows from month to month progressing. A new recipe from my adoptive mother sold and added to the money that came in this month.  The menu was titled Dalogna coffe and Black pepper cow.

As I thought. Audrey turned off my laptop and she bribed the porridge with a syringe, then hooked it into a slang connected to my nose. Yeah, I still can't chew hard food because it's so hard. I looked at his handsome face. Her hair is on white paint to make me happy, because I like men whose hair color is white. Then I cried because Audrey was so loyal and made the atmosphere feel romantic.

"Why, did Audrey not take care of me at home?" I opened my laptop. "And if at home mas so can be calm if here is busy can not take care of me."

"Your adoptive mother called me, she told me that if you got sick just to go to the hospital that many nurses and so can take care of two people at once." He breathed and kissed my forehead.

"All right, thank you." I closed my eyes for a moment because my chest hurt again. I couldn't make a clear enough sound because it was around my neck in a breath aid. You should not have to worry because you are also in the hospital. He should have taken care of my father, if taking care of me and Yudi's father would have bothered.

"And I know for a fact that you're worried about your adoptive father and your biological father" he continued.

"How are Yudi's father and my biological father ? Considering I've had a whole day not yet opened Vidio call?"

I suddenly had a hard time seeing and was choking on saliva, only Audrey's voice could be heard talking to the nurse.

"Rita, are you okay? Can you see me?" ask her with a hoarse and anxious voice.

I have trouble breathing My chest is sore and not strong. I tried to hold the bed with my limp hands. As soon as the nurse sucked the saliva in the slang, it felt like I was back alive. I'm usually not this bad. I held my chest and the nurse put the medicine into my drip.

"You're making me anxious, baby."  He's stroking my hair. I tried to hold her face and see her cute face. But my husband dropped my hand.

"You want to be hospitalized, for me and for the people who love you." He kissed me on the forehead for so long and I felt a drop wash over me. "I will try to keep you healthy so you can be healthy again" he continued, "If necessary I accompany you therapy."

A thin man, his arm muscles twitching all the time, and wearing a slang around the neck just like I open the door with my aunt.

"My son, Rita."  The sound on the laptop is exactly the sound of my real father. "I got word you're in the hospital again."

"Tante, how's the father-in-law's health?" I saw my aunt texting someone, Audrey's phone rang and she was in shock.

"Why don't you rest? don't worry about Rita. Rita just wants Yudi's dad and dad to get well." He shed tears. I don't know what's wrong with my real dad.

"I want to see my son, whether he's healthy or critical. This will calm down." Aunty bowed her face and said goodbye to us, she opened the ICU door and drove me back to her room.

"Can I go back to talking to you?" tanyakanya. I blinked twice as a sign of yes. "I want to talk to you, but my beautiful wife was still angry yesterday because I wasn't being honest." He wiped my hand. Looks like Audrey wants to relieve some stress by getting me to talk.

"I was angry that my husband was playing with secrets, so I didn't want to talk." I explained why I was lazy yesterday to talk.

"I told you, don't worry. You're just exhausted so your brain and heart are a little bit in shock so you're convulsing."

I closed my eyes for a moment. "Okay, I'll trust my husband one hundred percent. Keep talking about what you want to talk about."

"Tomorrow I'm off, so I ask the doctor to let you to the top. I'll be on standby if my wife suddenly collapses."

"I agree, come with you. I'm not angry. It might make me feel comfortable." My tears suddenly trickled down due to her romantic invitation.

 He rubbed my tears. "It's not so romantic."

I blinked three times, as proof that I didn't cry. I know my husband intends to encourage me to live, at the top is also a suitable place for therapy. His face was not as usual. While giving the body lotion on my legs, Audrey massaged gently.

"I'm afraid like the first time I met you, you got critical and the next day you went into a coma because of stress or stress in the hospital."

O God, thank you for the blessings you give.

"Are we allowed, if we go out tomorrow?" I'm not sure if I'm allowed outside the hospital.

"Do you not want to see the view at the top?"

"Is there a medical device there?" I asked for equipment there.

"Of course complete, right there also near the health center or hospital." He spoke clearly, not wanting to make me anxious or sad when something unexpected happened. And the gear must be exactly the same as in the ICU, I'm like a robot being repaired.

I still can't talk.

"I am your husband, of course I must complete your every shortcoming. Want it sick or happy we have to row the boat until success."

"If you're my husband, but I still disappoint you because I'm disabled and not like other women" I said in a soft tone.

"In the Qur'an, a husband and wife must complement each other. You've completed my soul and now I complete what you need, Rita." He held my hand.

"I'm grateful to be able to meet you, I also chose because you're the head of the family that will take me to heaven." I now feel happy and grateful to have a strong religious husband.

"The Immune System will affect your health, so I take you to the top."

"Alhamdulillah, we were found, ma'am." I felt so much favor, learned to imitate the Prophet Sayiddina Muhammad and now met a companion who truly obeyed the Qur'an and Hadith. "I'm worried because I think this marriage is because you're forced and that's why you're sad."

"I told you, you're the woman who filled the empty space in my mind. I was interested in proposing to you at the time, but you're not 20."

"I'm sorry I was too selfish and prejudiced. I'm afraid you're disappointed because I'm disabled." It's made me calm. I realized too many negative thoughts due to the sudden marriage about a month ago. It was also my birth mother who lied to Audrey. We are now complementary not because we have to, but we are destined to be united. I have learned much from the Qur'an to be patient whenever we appreciate the storm, it will make this journey a silver lining. Clearly, this has made me happy because my husband is the man I've been looking for.

"It'll be better, tomorrow we'll take the chopper I hired. Because to the top of the car ride it is difficult to raise a wheelchair or push mattress from the hospital," he explained. "Don't worry, there's a landing spot there."

This is the first moment I want, so long I have not been out of the house just at home and in the hospital even then I had to be forced to sleep because my condition suddenly decreased. I can't say many words.

Maybe I'm dreaming now.

"Will you accompany me at the top, just the two of us?" he asked, he gave me a beaded bracelet. My heart was racing and my chest was tight. I nodded and blinked my eyes. He kissed me and went back to his office.

"Don't think much and take a break for tomorrow, so we can go." He's out of the ICU.

For a few seconds, the nurse smiled at me. He checked the ECG and EEG on the monitor.

"Miss grateful, Dr. Audrey is a friendly doctor and sholeh at this hospital. He's also smart and kind."

Sister after speaking, went outside the room and closed the door leaving me. And, I slept soundly waiting for my husband to finish work.

.