Beans Forgot the Skin
Chapter 8 Loss

Tiara POV

Time passed, days changed Sunday, weeks changed months, months changed years but Revanku never returned, although the whole world reported that he was dead, but in this heart he was still alive and had not been found, maybe he was stranded in a remote area.

Big families always give support but I like to lose my spirit to live. This body is alive but my soul is dead, this self goes on living only for Radit and Radita my daughter from Revan. It's been 3 years, but this soul is still waiting for him somehow.

If I miss him I come to the ocean where he lives, make pilgrimages and spill all the feelings buried in this heart. I'm not really strong enough to lose this once Rabb, really dear this man, only this time I feel loved by someone but why is it so quickly taken away. I do not deny Your destiny, Lord, I want to meet my man once.

The sound of sobbing is increasingly poignant, heart and marine soul to restore this lifeless body for the sake of both hearts but what I get, the heart is getting worse in a deep valley, deep, my soul is really sick. I lost half of my soul.

"Revan why would you leave yourself alone" I said rahu.

I had no one to share with, after Revan's departure a year later My mother-in-law caught up with him and a year later Mama also went home too, losing for the sake of loss I had gone through. Life is like a wall lamp waiting for death but why so quickly they leave themselves alone. I cried bitterly.

I once wanted to end this life, but the sound of Radit and Radita crying bitterly awakened me, this self must live for them. They are the lamp of the heart when I am in darkness, I seek God again, I sincerely accept Your destiny. This self fell on the beach and knelt down to ask forgiveness to the almighty who had been unable to accept the destiny of Allah SWT.

After I had shed all my grievances, sorrow for grief I went home and my heart was a little calmer. Arriving at home at 7 pm when the atmosphere was quiet, no Radit and Radita I just realized that my gap, I deactivated, panic spread this body, let alone this, Rabb. I took my salary and saw hundreds of calls from Mas Rudi and Papa.

"Assalamu'alaikum Mas, Radit why? Where are you now" I said in panic.

"Waalaaikum greetings, Radit was in an accident when he came home from school, he crossed the street and was struck by his train, but it has been handled by the doctor anyway, you do not panic, I picked you up huh, where are you?" the answer.

"I'm at Mas' house, I can drive myself, which hospital?" my many.

"Udah let me pick you up, said Papa you were just away at the ocean, must be your heart is fucked up, I don't want anything to happen to you, fifteen minutes wait for me there yes," said worried.

"Okay, I wait," I said straightforwardly and held tightness in the chest.

Mas Rudi is currently separated from Mira, the age of their marriage only lasted for three months, I never wanted to go back to that guy but he always assured me he had changed and wanted to start all over from scratch. He needs this self so on the contrary I need it too. But my love for Revan is so great, this heart will never betray Revan's love.

But more and more days I really feel the need for a companion. I am tired of feeling this pain alone.

Recalling that when Mas Rudi took care of me while cravings Radita, he seemed to be a substitute Papa for Radita, my daughter got the full affection of a Papa from Mas Rudi, but I was not able to take it back. Let it be like this before. Three years he fought to get my heart back. There are no more strange shakes. We're like friends. But I don't know until tomorrow or the day after tomorrow I never know.

Enjoying the solitude was excruciating, taking Revan's departure was something so difficult. I want to get up and fight again. Tears are running out, I have no more tears, to weep over my lame life, tears are no more. Totally dry. Losing for loss makes my heart strong and fragile. The statement I always remember from Revan.

"Darling, life is only a matter of time, if it's not forsaken then leave and I choose to leave you alone because if you leave me I'm sure I won't be strong. You are a strong woman, so God always tests you with great events. If I can't do it." Revan's words are proven today.

Am I really that strong woman? O Lord, I give all to You. Only love You without tears, I learn to love something again just because God and learn again to love just because only love Him can be fully. Loving His creatures will only leave pain for the sake of pain. I promise to love all His creatures because of God alone. I surrender to fate where I will take me.

Tears have run out and I surrender to His will. Pain after pain has made me a strong woman. I don't want to cry anymore, let me follow the storyline of the Giver of Hope. He is Allah the All-Powerful.

Mas Rudi was already in front of me, I saw his face sad, maybe finished crying over his only child who almost died.

"Ra, are you okay," he said softly.

"Yes Mas, I'm fine, Radit how is he? Is he okay," I asked weakly.

"Radit has passed his critical period" said Mas Rudi straightforwardas.

"I am indeed a lousy mother, not accompanying my son while being critical," I said softly.

"Here it is, it is not good to punish yourself, everything has happened because of His will" he continued to strengthen me.

"Radit must be disappointed in me Mas, I haven't been a good mother to Radit and Radita," I sobbed, my chest rumbling with the pain and tightness in the chest.

While in the car I was silent, my soul was still wondering if this was all a punishment or a test of life for me, all the barrage of troubles that tested my faith as a servant. I was completely at a nadir, completely losing my way. Like a lost woman who doesn't know the way home.

"Ra, why silence, do not think too much about the problem of Radit anyways there is Mas and Papa who had solved everything," said Mas Rudi softly.

"Open the problem of Radit Mas, but the problem of my life, why do I always get tested for tough and soul-shaking tests and test my faith as a servant, whether this is a test or a punishment." My eyes started to glaze over.

"Ra, you say that, God, if you love His servants always give tests in life, will not our faith level rise if we have been tested," he said seriously.

His car pulled over. I'm still sobbing.

"I'm tired Mas, I'm tired and almost defeated, almost desperate" I stammered.

Finally I cried again after I promised myself not to cry again I finally betrayed the deal I made with my own heart. Foolish why you look weak in the eyes of ex-husband hey Tiara, there's a scorn in myself.

Fuck looks weak indeed in reality I am a weak woman.

"Ra, the sign of Allah's love for His servant He will love the test, the difference between the punishment and the test is gini lo Ra, Ra, when a servant is tested he increases his faith in Allah SWT is a sign of the test but on the contrary when tested with severe problems he is getting worse and away and disbelieving or even disobeying Him it means punishment. That's me from ustadz that I often hear you," he said shyly.

I was amazed by Mas Rudi's explanation, there was a sense of peace when I listened to the words spoken from his lips, this man had changed a lot. In my heart murmured.

"Thank you, I'm a little better, can continue again, I already want to rush to see Radit," said I weak.

Finally Mas Rudi drove his car casually. I almost fell asleep hearing a song of sayup-sayup melody playing from the playlist. My body is tired of all the problems that have happened to me.

I breathed in some deep air in order to slightly remove the heavy weight on my chest. Arriving at the Hospital I saw Papa holding Dita my little daughter, I ran to hug the two people I loved the most that were left. Papa rubbed the soft tip of my head.

"Yes strong, son, Radit is okay." Papa's eyes I see reddened. I kissed the back of his hand.

"Thank you Pa, it's always been there for Tiara" I said. I clutched the body of the man who had never hurt me in his entire life, he was my father.

I saw Radit's face pale with many hoses, his face was not deformed just the arms and legs are mounted pen, Rabb hopefully my son is not deformed. The eight-year-old strong boy had already experienced trials after hard trials, he was my most powerful son. I pecked his forehead softly. Losing for losing we've been through together but he's always smiling and encouraging me. A beautiful sentence that once came out of her tiny lips.

"Ma, don't be sad anymore. As long as God is with us all will be fine, everything will come back to Him anyway" he said gently as we both lost Revan Papa, who loved him dearly.

Although I saw her tears rising as we made the pilgrimage for the first time on the shore of the high seas.

"Papa Revan, calm down there yeah, I'll take care of Mama and Radita's sister. I'm Papa's eldest son who can be relied upon," he said firmly last marine.

I and all the company present were in deep sorrow and heartbreak. Right now my hero is lying weak. Something cut my soul. Rudi surprised me.

"Ra, eat yuk, your face is pale, surely you have not eaten from the morning right, now it is night, you have to fill your stomach," he whispered.

"No Mas, how can I eat if my son is like this," I said lightly withholding sobs.

"You have to take care of your health for Radit and Radita and Papa, if you're sick who's looking after them" he said.

I looked at that face, there was a tinge of anxiety there. I raised my weak body following Mas Rudi's direction. I see Papa is very tangled and tired.

"Papa just go home with Dita, let me take care of Radit,. Papa rest yes Pa," I said softly.

Papa thinks to go home to rest, he took my little girl with him, I kissed them both, Dita fell asleep in his grandfather's arms, I saw the back of the man who raised me. Thank you Pa has accompanied my life journey full of thistles and thorns.

Mas Rudi also greeted his former in-laws with courtesy.

"It's okay we live alone Radit, eat it here anyway yes, I don't want to be away from Radit," I said.

"Just a moment is okay, you eat let Mas take care of Radit yes, Mas take it first to the canteen of this Hospital," he said gently.

I still look into the eyes of the man who once filled the space of my heart. Is this the same man who hurt me once, in my heart murmured.

Next