MY FORMER DARK LOVER
Confusion Over His Offer.

Good luck may come, that's what happened to me. Whether the ugliness he will be able to accept with a chest. Many doubts are kept. The trauma of my first marriage, made me think a thousand times. Satria is a good man, but not necessarily if married to me can be nice to him. An attitude that can not make a husband happy, afraid if I will do to a man who now sincerely wants to have me.

"O Allah, give me your guidance. Is he the right guy for me? Or should I shun him, for fear that this self cannot make him happy. A lot of fatal mistakes that made the first marriage ruined, did I have to back off so that it wouldn't happen again?"

"One day this boy will ask about his father? Is it possible to be with Satria to accept the situation? What if they can't get along? This child is a gift that You give, but can you be happy without a father, or does he need a father like Satria?"

The mind keeps floating. Doubts continue to rage. It feels so dizzy to think about this. Polluted circumstances make everyone want to retreat and hide, but the reality of life must be resisted in order to raise this child. It is good if all is covered with the presence of Satria, but afraid if it is discovered by the community will certainly be insulted. He's a very nice guy as long as I've known him, so don't want him to get into trouble.

"You're still thinking about Satria's offer?"

"eeh, Mother. Sit here."

While daydreaming in her stride she approached. Slowly rub shoulders. The smile was very reassuring. No matter how severe the problem, the best place to vent the contents of the heart is the biological mother herself. Each problem can sometimes not be thought of alone, so the best way is to get everything out by sharing stories.

"Yes, Mom."

"If this is your destiny, marry her, son. Every hardship will surely come good, for people who are patient and sincere in living it all."

"But I'm scared, Mom. Satria, too perfect for me. I feel so unworthy of her."

"Worthy or not, only God can judge. Believing and worshiping Him, and being devoted to the husband are the best paths to the final beauty of the achherat. Only you can run a household that deserves peace or not. No matter how he is, just be quiet with full service, surely the husband will not be rude. Unlike the case of your first husband, because he married not because he loves you. While Satria seems sincere in loving you."

"Come on, Mom."

"Hhhh, I really hope you can feel the happiness of life. You deserve and deserve that." Mother kept convincing herself.

Warm embrace I want. The wet rasp of sound began to harden, accompanied by the roar of tears.

"I also want to feel the happiness of being a wife who can serve both husbands, but whether a woman who is not as good as me is able and escapes to serve the patient Satria."

"The ability of a wife lies in the sincerity of her heart to serve. If there is a mistake or you can not realize what the husband wants, then learn tirelessly and keep trying that you can make his heart happy. Don't disappoint him, because his sweat sweat is precious. Sometimes a husband is full of bones all day, so welcome him with the best smile someday."

"Together, Son. This is the task of a mother who must embrace the child when in distress. No mother can eat her own child unless she is blind to the world or her inner eye. A mother will continue to pray for the best, even if she is discouraged by the actions of the child himself."

His advice was very helpful. There are many life experiences that he has lived. From the distress of the cruelty of the world, as well as the happiness of many unexpected gifts. Gratitude must often be said so that we do not forget that there is still sky above. There is no need to be arrogant about the world, for it will never be eternal.

"If you still remain in confusion. Ask Allah for guidance by praying Istikharah."

"Yes, Mom. Thanks for reminding."

"If there's a clue. Steady on your soul and heart, if that is the best answer. I can only pray, I hope you get the answer soon."

"Amin ya robbal alamin's. Thank you, Mom."

"Yes, Son. Stay upbeat and smile. Do not let you be weak. Give your neighbor a nice answer with a smile, so they don't ask too many questions and are too smart about your personal business."

"Siip, Mom. God willing, I will rise from this miserable slump."

"Alhamdulill. Thank goodness that your heart is open, and can tell which is good and right."

Hugs off. Water droplets of dew that had burst, I thought I used my own hands. Smiles are starting to show up. There was a little relief after sharing the story. Plong, no heavy load was thought of anymore.

In the darkness of the night and the cold of the wind, wanting to bow their heads in the third of the night looking for answers. Prostration and surrender to the almighty. Hands asking for directions. The divorce of tears did not forget to accompany. Everything that becomes uneg-uneg in the heart is poured out all. Untain for the sake of strands of heart continue to be read. The strains of the divine Word, do not escape to accompany in prayer.

"You are above everything. Know this broken heart. There is no right answer except You who give. Failure in the past, I ask You not to repeat it again. Give Your guidance, may the man You present be the best choice, but if all of that will make Your servant tormented again, then keep away so far that we are not united in any bond," Prayer in the heart.

The chanting of dhikr continued to echo, in a special room for prayer. Although Netra had wanted to be closed but still I held back. People say that the best prayer is in the middle of the night. Weak people like me can only resign to the circumstances that will be given later, maybe that is the best way for us. If it is brought closer, the strands of gratitude will certainly not stop being spoken. Man can only hope and ask, but the destiny and decision of only the Almighty can determine everything.

Work is just shutting itself up. The emptiness is present. Failure is too hard to handle. Remembering it will be pain. Forgetting bitterness is hard. Maybe it's an attempt to be more mature. Not much experience, so treated arbitrarily by the husband. Surviving the torment, actually wanting to prove the service as a wife and love her very much, but all of that was wrong and wreaked havoc on myself.