TWENTY
SEASON TWO ~ Learn to Thrive

The view in front of me is so beautiful. The sky was bright blue with a pure white cloud that was rising above it. The warm rays of the sun give a glimmer of smile to the flowers that bloom beautifully. The birds also used to greet each other. This place is so beautiful, never once have I found this.

A pair of boys and girls in pure white clothes approached me. They're beautiful and handsome. The smile they gave me was so charming. They are about five years old. They led me to go to the flower garden. Many times I asked who they were, they only returned me with a smile.

Like a happy little family, we play in the park. Chasing each other, catching butterflies, and picking flowers to make a crown. They made a flower crown and put it together on my head.

“For Umi,” said they simultaneously.

“What?” I was so shocked when they called me Umi. I haven't asked them yet, they ran away from me.

“Wait!” With all my might I ran after them. But they kept running regardless of my call. Not even looking back.

I am now alone here. I don't know why my heart feels so lonely. Then I faintly heard Mas Alif's voice continuously calling my name.

Waitaminute!

It's not just Mas Alif's voice I can hear. There were mama and papa voices too. I kept looking for where the sound came from. I ran looking for them.

“Mas Alif!” I shouted, hoping that someone would hear my voice and be able to tell me.

“Ma! Pa!”

Nil, not a single word was heard by me. Now there are no more voices of people calling him. Makes me lonely again. In silence I could only walk barefoot somewhere. Which I am now in a green pasture is soothing.

Until almost at the end of my despair, I heard Mas Alif's voice again. Now his voice sounds so slow. Like someone whispering. The tone sounded so bitter. Expecting myself to wake up.

“Mas!” my yelling.

My eyes then opened. I slowly adjusted the blinding light of the lamp. I felt my body lying on the bed with a body that felt all crumpled. The smell of drugs immediately stung my sense of smell. Flashbacks about the series of events that happened to me earlier were immediately twisted in my brain. A little while ago I realized, I had an accident.

My mind was fixed on one thing, my children. I forced my limp hands to feel my stomach. FLAT!!! My children are no longer in my stomach.

“Hiks! Hiks!” without asking my tears to come down so hard. It's still hard for me to accept this reality.

“Honey?! You're up! Thank goodness!” I only realized that Mas Alif had fallen asleep next to my gurney. He hugged me tightly and unceasingly gave thanks.

“MAS! WHERE ARE MY KIDS?!” I thrashed in his arms, forcing him to ask for an explanation.

“You calm down first ya!” the door tried to calm me.

“ENGK! NOW I WANT YOU TO ANSWER. WHERE ARE MY KIDS?!!” hysterical shouting. Mas Alif was almost overwhelmed facing me.

My loud screaming voice apparently made my parents and in-laws step in and out of the room and approached me. As with Mas Alif, they were very grateful with my consciousness and then tried to calm me down.

“You are calm, be patient first Nak!” papaku says.

“You calm how Pa? Where is my son now?!! WHERE!!” None of them answered. Why were they all suddenly silent like this?!!!

No one wants to answer my question. Only the sad faces they showed. Also the eyes are reddened which is then followed by the roar of tears. Seeing them like this, only one was on my mind at the moment. Something very bad happened.

Finally, Mas Alif who had been holding up to calm me now released his embrace. He took both of my faces with his hands. As with everyone here, only sadness graced his face.

Shaking his head slowly, Mas Alif gave me an answer. “They have calmed down in the paradise of Allah, dear.”

Deg.

It feels like my world is going to collapse right now. My breath went off for a while. Unasked, tears came back from my eyes. Same with Mas Alif. We are both fused together in heartbreaking tears. While my parents and in-laws just look from a distance with a face that is no less sad with me.

“Maybe they're gone. You're kidding me, aren't you?” My heart still can't accept all this. I still wish it was just a nightmare. I wish I would wake up tomorrow and find my children still sheltering in my womb.

But the answer from Mas Alif seemed to slap me back to this bitter reality. “No Honey, I'm not kidding. They've really left us.”

“Hiks! Hicks! Me, I can't accept all this. Why is this happening to me, Mom? WHY?!!” Like a man in the middle of a fidelity I pulled Mas Alif's shirt and shouted as loud as possible to vent my anger.

Seeing me lose control like this made my mom and dad confused themselves. With anxious faces they approached and calmed me down. But I don't need that. I don't need their sedative words. I just want to see my kids.

Until finally I was at my weakest point to accept this harsh reality. My body is tired. My mind is tired of rebelling. And my heart, I don't know how it is. Maybe it's now broken out of shape. I closed my eyes. Trying to rest everything that exists. Until a long time later, the darkness completely swept over me. In this little heart I hope, hopefully in my subconscious, I can meet them.

*****

The fragrance of the flowers began to enter my sense of smell. The mounds of land with the identity tombstone residing in it began to appear. Mas Alif's hand reached out to lead me to walk where my children's belly button was.

Then my steps came to the two mounds of soil that were still wet and the flowers that were studded on it. My body sat between the two tombs. Devano Putra and Davina Putri, the two names were inscribed on their tombstones. I slowly rubbed the headstone together with the tears that were dripping.

“Assalamu’alaikum son hiks! Umi's son? Hicks! How's hiks doing! y'all? Umi is hoping for a hiks! Umi hope you guys are all right there.” As much as I can, I tried to stop my tears.

But it can't. These tears kept coming out unwilling to stop.

Mas Alif lovingly pulled me in his arms. Letting me cry full of blue. Until my chest tightened for too long sobbing. Losing them even when I haven't seen their faces, one thing I never imagined. Only the explanation from Mas Alif made me vaguely imagine their faces.

“We send prayer Yes Dear!” mas Alif said as my cries began to subside. I nodded to him too.

Then we both start reading Yasin's letter and then tahlil. Do not forget the various prayers I offer for them. The afternoon wind was getting cold. After being satisfied to visit the tomb, Mas Alif immediately invited me to go home. I was in intensive care for about a week in the hospital. I was allowed to go home this morning.

“Be careful Darling!” mas Alif told me to walk into the room.

“Hmm..”

Mas Alif then decided to go to the mosque, without answering for sure he knew what my answer was. After his departure, I walked towards the window. Then close it violently. This makes the room dark and gloomy. And I went back to lying on the bed and covered my whole body with a blanket.

“Hiks!” In silence I still cry. Not stopping - I blame my own carelessness. And all the suppositions kept swirling in my head.

Until I felt my blanket blur. Then a hand rubbed my hair slowly. I slowly opened my eyes, apparently it was Mas Alif who was still wearing his cocoon.

“Don't cry again!” he said by slowly peeping both my eyes.

“Mas! Hiks !” again I could only scatter myself to him. “I still can't accept all this!” I kept beating his chest to vent my tightness.

“Have a Baby! It's all God's will,” he said trying to calm me down.

“But this is also because of my carelessness Mas! i'm sloppy! Sloppy!!” I screamed at myself blaming myself.

Mas Alif tried to grab my hand which was unceasingly beating.

After both of my hands were caught, my breath was wheezing, my tears started to dry up. I feel like I can no longer cry.

“You are calm! Don't be like this. They there also did not want to see Uminya like this. They will be sad Dear!” And finally the word Mas Alif is able to melt me.

“Sorry!” shirihku.

“Already, you no longer need to feel guilty! Everything in this world is the care of God. Property, office, family, everything is just a deposit. God will take it, and we have no power to stop it. Because God is the owner of everything. So you stop blaming yourself. Okay?!”

Mas Alif patiently gave me understanding. I also nodded in agreement with it. After that, with the help of Mas Alif I walked to the bathroom to get the temperature and then performed the Ashar prayer.

The day has gone up the night. I have finished doing isya’ prayers.

I slowly stepped out of the room. The scar on my stomach hurts a lot if I keep walking. But I did not have the heart to call Mas Alif who was struggling with the documents in his study.

After a long period of crying, my throat felt very dry. I was secretly crying when I bowed. As soon as I reached the kitchen I immediately poured water into the glass and drank it. I put down the empty glass, along with my eyes that stared fixedly ahead. After strengthening my heart for a while, now I am sure. I've made a decision.

Passing through the pantry, I saw a beautiful kitchen that I hadn't touched in a long time. Usually Mas Alif choose to order food online rather than telling me to cook. My eyes then looked at a knife neatly arranged with knives of various other types. I took it and looked at him for a moment. My gaze focused on the knife which looked sharp shiny in the light of the kitchen lamp.

“This sure is very sharp,” mumbled me slowly. This thing fits perfectly with what I need right now.

“SAYANG!” Just as I was about to make a move, the loud cry of Mas Alif shocked me. Suddenly he took the knife out of my hand.

With very serious eyes, he looked at me.

“What do you think? Will this sort of thing solve the problem?!” I lowered my head even more as Mas Alif was busy shaking my body.

“Aware Darling! What comes to your head that will hurt yourself like this?”

He?!

Instantly I raised my head and stared at him. Frowning I asked back what he meant. “What do you mean Mas?”

“Yes it!” Mas Alif brandished the knife back from the table. “Not you want to hurt yourself?”

I immediately laughed and shook my head. “Yes Allah Mas! Who wants to hurt themselves? People I want to peel apples doang,” make me clear.

“Yes end your strange gelagat it, especially with the events that happened to us. I'm afraid that you'll act strangely.”

“Not Mas! as bad as I am, I wouldn't think of getting there. I still love the life God gave me.”

Then I took a long breath. “I have also decided to let them go. I realized, I can't be too late in grief. Life also continues. And it's true what you say, all this is a deposit. So it is only natural that the Owner will take it.”

“Alhamdulillah!” he was happy while rubbing the top of my head. "And again, they are called in a state that is holy yet sinful. God willing, God will reward us with heaven as long as we remain in His way.”

“Amiin,” reply.

“Yes already, you sit down first. Let me peel an apple for you.” Mas Alif sat my body in the dining room and then took an apple from the refrigerator to serve me.