ZHAO JUREN'S LAST LOVE
Chapter 25. The Untold Love

The light comes before sunrise, the transition from night to light. Zhao Juren recalled a letter given to her by the mysterious Xue Xue.

 With Zhao Juren's trembling hands grabbing the paper from under his cloak, he would open the letter to ascertain what the truth was behind Xue Xue's absurd story.

 The worn out paper had been like so long and might have been opened many times, and the neatly lined and almost faded inscription was well known to him, it was indeed Jiu Fei's handwriting.

Zhao Juren had received a letter from Jiu fei many years ago, when she was still a nun in Sunyen temple. The short letter Jiu Fei had written to her only asked Her Majesty Yan Yue. And when Xue Xue said Jiu Fei only loved herself, it felt like nonsense.

Nine months of the golden dragon.

Sister Xue, I wrote this letter at the time when the first snow of this winter fell. But I remember it was your birthday, I'm sorry your brother could never again make you tanghulu of your favorite mulberry and persimmon. But, from any place I will always blow a lot of love on you.

Brother Xue,

I always tell you about the coldness of Yanzhi even in almost every season for me is almost no different.

Yubei is not as warm as Nanxing, I always feel cold here.

For almost three years I have been languishing in this temple for how many years I have left the land of Niangxi, but I cannot let go of this longing. My sin was too great, but for the sake of the sky that led me to this cruel land, I cannot say regret it because in this place I met the love I was looking for.

One day you will understand why I have this courage, even for this sake, my blood and bones are rejected by my own homeland.

In this place, I put all my fleshly desires together but still can not melt one sense that I love him so much to this day.

But do you know what hurts more? I hide behind my other feelings just to protect my feelings for her. Everyone only knows, I was loved by the prince of Yan Yue but no one really knows to whom I gave up my heart.

My life and blood I dare to risk on the one who loves me but my empty life is only understood by the one I love.

He, no one, but he who sees who I really am first and loves me without questioning me an enemy or a friend.

That rainy night in that humid alcove, I willingly let it touch me, was it for no reason? Women give up their bodies not out of lust but out of feeling.

And after that, I even enjoyed every single one of the most beautiful sins with him no matter which hell greeted us.

I swear, he's the only one who's ever touched my body, kissed every curve of my body.

I used to think I was in love with Yan Yue but I turned out to be lost in my own feelings, when I woke up my eyes were fixed on Yan Yue but when my eyes closed I thought was Zhao Juren.

Is this a crime? or the karmic harvest of my greed?

Sister Xue, I'm sorry I wrote this letter to you who's not yet an adult but I don't know who I'm talking to anymore.

This temple is too quiet and the walls are too tight for me to let go of this burden. Even today, only Juren continues to take care of me so that my faith does not feel foreign in this land. Only he who, despite knowing how much I was wrong, never betrayed me and turned his face away from me.

I love him, I love him without a proper word, without enough sacrifice, without anything even to make him just know it is taboo.

Well, I admit.I'm used to being next to Yan Yue, I can't leave the lion that loves me lonely, I'm also afraid to break his heart if he knows my love for him is not as big as his expectations.

If I can't tell this truth until the end of my life, I dream that when I have to die, I want to close my eyes in his arms, I hope that the heavens will kindly allow this ill-will of mine

I am truly willing to die one day for the sake of Yan Yue who adores me so much but I want my eyes to look last time at the person I love. Is that possible?

Jesus, brother Xue, how long I've written you, I hope you don't get bored with my letters.

I may be writing you a long letter, lately the Queen Mother has been keeping a tight watch on this temple. Keep being a sweet Xue Xue, practice the sword vigorously do not forget that the needle fan you must master properly.

Sweet Xue Xueku, my beautiful princess take care of our land of Niang, hopefully one day we can meet again.

Your sister,

Jiu Fei's.

Zhao Juren felt her chest tight, she leaned limply under Liu's tree. Her lips trembled, her tears just seeping in the corner of her eyes. His eyes were reddened as if he was re-watching every memory of his past with Jiu Fei.

The encampment of memories limped past him, and Zhao Juren saw the beautiful and young Jiu Fei standing under the lush wutong tree waiting for him one night in the wilds of Yanshan. She was wearing a shabby blue dress, looking down with tears.

"Don't see me again..." Jiu Fei held back her sobbing. But Zhao Juren approached him in a hurry, hugging him between the thick of the night.

"Afei, I miss you. I'm crazy to hug you!" Zhao Juren only knew his feelings but never asked why Jiu Fei always cried when she met him.

Then his memories on Jiu Fei's pale face at the end of his life, were helpless in his arms. The blood seeping from his wounds brought pain to Jiu Fei's countenance without any groaning at all.

"Afey? Whatisthis? What's this about? You never loved me! You are just following my wishes, aren't you? You never loved me!" The sentence came out streaks from Zhao Juren's lips, his chest felt like it was on a limp of stone.

Zhao Juren preferred the fact that Jiu Fei had never loved her than to know that she was so deeply harboring feelings for him. Zhao Juren could not accept, they were both toyed with fate so viciously.

"Master! Master!" The goal of a call reached his ears.

"Sir, do you want to cross over?" The question sounds clearer. Zhao Juren violently wiped her tears with the back of her hand, raised her face high and found a czech man in a straw hat standing on his wooden boat. A piece of wood in his hand fell to the edge of the river, holding the boat so as not to be carried away by the current that was not as strong.

"Yes, I want to cross!" Greet Zhao Juren immediately, rising from where she sat. The paper in his hand immediately folded it back in a hurry.

He looked back for a moment at the maple and Willow trees. Jiu Fei was like running in between, lifting up her shabby dress. His long hair was fluttering in the wind. Then disappear.

Zhao Juren sighed, this worn out truth really hurts her heart.

Himself and Jiu Fei, were an unexpressed love even to death.