Bald-headed
Ch. 12

"You were sitting here when I came, weren't you?"

He replied after he made himself comfortable. "Yes. I sit here every night. It's becoming a habit now."

"I can understand why" he said, looking around. "So, what have you been doing lately?"

"Actually, I'm doing nothing but doing housework now. It satisfies my creative impulse."

"How can I. I mean..."

"Yujin."

"Excuse me?"

She smiles. "My old boss in Batam. Name's Yujin. He offered me a part of the business right when I enrolled in college and died before I got home. When I was almost back from Australia, his lawyer gave me a big enough check to buy more land and fix this house."

Birundasih laughs. "You always told me that you'd find a way to do it."

Sugi replied to his laughter. "Yes, this doesn't feel real."

They both sat quietly for a moment, thinking back. Birundasih sipped some more tea.

"Did you remember sneaking here the night I first told you about this place?"

Birundasih nodded, and he continued, saying,

"I came home a little late that night, and my parents were very angry when I finally came. I can still imagine my father standing in the living room smoking, my mother on the sofa looking straight ahead.

I swear, they looked as if a family member had died. It was the first time my parents knew I was serious about you, and my mother spoke at length with me that night.

She said to me, 'Mom sure you think that you don't know anything, I may not know what you're going through, but I understand. Sometimes our future is determined by who we are, not what we want.' " I remember being so hurt when she said that."

"You told me about it the next day. It also hurt my feelings. I like your parents, and I didn't know they didn't like me."

"Not that they don't like you. They don't think you deserve me."

"Not much difference."

There was sadness in her voice as she replied, and she knew Sugi was right to feel that way. He looked towards the stars while combing his hair by hand, pulling back the strands that fell onto his face.

"I know that. I always have been. Maybe that's why my mom and I always seem to have some distance between us when we talk."

"How do you feel about that now?"

"Just like I did at the time. It's wrong, it's not fair. It was a terrible thing for a girl to learn. Status is more important than feelings."

Sugi smiled gently at her answer but said nothing.

"I've been thinking about you ever since I left you that late-season morning" she said.

"You did it?"

"Why don't you think so?" Birundasih looked completely shocked.

"You never answered my letters."

"You writing?"

"Tens letters. I wrote to you for two years without receiving a single reply."

He slowly shook his head before lowering his eyes.

"I don't know..," he finally said, slowly, and he knew it must be his mother, checking the letters, taking out the letters without her knowledge.

"He did it wrong, Sugi, and I'm sorry he did it. But try to understand. As soon as I left, he probably thought it would be easier for me to let go. He never understood how much you meant to me, and honestly, I don't even know if he ever loved my father the way I loved him.

In her mind, she was just trying to protect my feelings, and she probably thought the best way to do that was to hide the letter you sent me."

"That's not his decision" he said slowly.

"I know."

"Will it make a difference even if you get it?"

"of course. I always wondered what you were doing."

"No, I mean with us. Do you think we'll make it?"

It took a while for him to answer.

"I don't know, Sugi. I really don't know, and neither do you. We are not the same people as before. We have changed, we have grown. We both."

He's stopped. He did not respond, and in silence he looked towards the river. He continued, "But yes, Sugi, I think we will. At least, I want to think we're gonna do it."

He nodded, looked down, then turned around. "What's Ali like?"

Birundasih hesitated, not expecting the question. Tipping down Ali's name gave off a slight feeling of guilt, and for a moment he didn't know how to answer it. He grabbed his cup, took another sip of tea, and listened to the birds chirping from a distance.

He spoke in a soft voice.

"Ali is handsome, charming, and successful, and most of my friends are very jealous. They think he's perfect, and in many ways he is. She's nice to me, she makes me laugh, and I know she loves me in her attitude." He paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts. "But there will always be something missing in our relationship."

He surprised himself with his answer but he knew it was true. And he also knew by looking at her that Sugi had suspected her answer before.

"Why?"

He smiled weakly and shrugged as he replied. His voice was almost on the whisper.

"I guess I'm still looking for the kind of love we have in that holiday season."

Sugi thought about what he said for a long time, thinking about the relationship they had since the last time he saw her.

"What about you?" she asked. "Have you ever thought of us?"

"All the time. I still do it."

"Did you find someone?"

"No," he replied, shaking his head.

Both of them seemed to be thinking about it, trying but found it impossible to remove it from their minds. Sugi finished his beer, surprised that he emptied it so quickly.

"I'll light the water. Can I get you something?"

She shook her head, and Sugi went to the kitchen to put the crab into the steamer and bread into the oven. He found a little flour and cornstarch for the vegetables, coated them, and put a little oil in the pan.

After turning off the fire, he set the timer and picked up another beer from the fridge before returning to the veranda. And as she does those things, she thinks of Birundasih and the love lost from both of their lives.

Birundasih thought too. About Sugi, about himself, about many things. For a moment she wished she was not engaged but then quickly cursed herself. Not the Sugi he loved, he loved them first. Besides, it's normal to feel this way. Her first true love, the only man she has ever been with, how can she hope to forget him?

But is it normal for the inside to twitch every time he approaches? Is it normal to admit things he can never tell others? Is it normal to come here three weeks after her engagement day?

"No, no," she finally whispered to herself as she looked up at the night sky. "There's nothing normal about any of this."