Bald-headed
Ch. 37

He muttered, "Birundasih... Birundasih..." And I, unable to accept the doctor's words, won again, at least for a moment. I let go of the pretence of mystery, and I kissed her hand and carried her to my cheek and whispered in her ear.

"You're the biggest thing that's ever happened to me."

"Birundasih" he said with tears in his eyes, "I love you too."

If only it would have ended like this, I would have been a happy woman.

But it's not gonna happen. I'm sure, as time went on, I started to see signs of worry on his face.

"What's wrong?" I asked, and the answer came gently.

"I'm so scared. I'm afraid to forget you again. This is not fair...I can't let go of this."

His voice broke when he finished, but I didn't know what to say. I knew the night was coming to an end, and there was nothing I could do to stop the inevitable. In this I failed. I finally told him, though,

"I will never leave you. What we have is forever." He knew this was all I could do, because none of us wanted an empty promise.

But I knew from the way he looked at me that once again he wished there was more.

Crickets sang the evening song for us, and we started bribing our dinner. None of us were hungry, but I led by example and he followed me.

She bit and chewed for a long time, but I was happy to see her eating. He has lost too much weight in the last three months.

After dinner, I was scared. I know I should be happy, because this reunion is proof that love can still be ours, but I know the bell is ringing tonight. The sun has long set and thieves are coming, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. So I looked at him and waited and lived a lifetime in these last remaining moments.

No. gabe.

Clock ticking.

No. gabe.

I held her and we hugged each other.

No. gabe.

I felt him tremble and I whispered in his ear.

No. gabe.

I told her one last time tonight that I love her.

Then the thief came.

It still amazes me how fast that happens. Even now, after a long time.

Because the moment he hugged me, he started to blink quickly and shake his head. Then, turning his head to a corner of the room, he stared long ago, worries etched into his face.

Nah! inner screaming. Not yet! Not now ... not when we're so close! Not tonight! Every night except tonight. . . . Help u! Those words are inside me. I can't take it anymore! That's not fair. . It's not fair ....

But again, it was in vain.

"Those people," he finally said as he pointed, "looking at me. Please stop them."

A hole seemed to appear in my stomach, hard and full. My breathing paused for a moment, then started again, this time more shallowly. My mouth became dry, and I felt my heart pounding.

"There's nobody there, Sugi," I said, trying to fend off the inevitable.

He doesn't trust me.

"They're looking at me."

"No" I whispered, shaking my head.

"Can't you see them?"

"No" I said, and he thought for a moment.

"Well, they were there," he said, pushing me away, "and they looked at me."

With that, he started talking to himself, and a while later, when I tried to comfort him, he gasped with wide eyes.

"Who are you?" she cried frantically in her voice, her face becoming whiter. "What are you doing here?" There was fear growing inside him, and I was hurt, because there was nothing

another thing I can do.

He moved away from me, retreated, his hands in a defensive position, and then he said the most heartbreaking words.

"Go! Stay away from me!" he yelled. He pushed the little creatures in his gaze away from him, terrified, and he was now oblivious to my presence.

I stood up and crossed the room to his bed. I am weak now, my legs are sore, and there is a strange pain by my side. I don't know where it came from. It was hard to push a button to call the nurse, because my fingers were throbbing and seemed to freeze, but I finally succeeded. They'll be here soon, I know, and I'm waiting for them.

While waiting, I looked at my husband.

Ten...

Twenty . . .

Thirty seconds passed, and I kept staring, my eyes missing nothing, remembering the moments we had just experienced together. But all that time he didn't look back, and I was haunted by visions of his struggle against an unseen enemy.

I sat by the bed with a sore back and started crying while picking up the notebook. Sugi didn't realize it. I understand, because his mind is gone.

Some of the yard fell to the floor, and I bent over to pick it up. I was tired now, so I sat down, alone and separated from my husband.

And when the nurses came in, they saw two people they had to entertain. A man trembled in fear from the demons in his mind, and the old woman who loved him deeper than life itself, cried softly in the corner, her face in her hands.

I spent the rest of the night alone in my room. My door was partially open and I saw people passing by, some strangers, some friends, and if I concentrated, I could hear them talking about family, work, and visits to the park.

Ordinary conversations, nothing more, but I found that I envied them and their ease of communication. Another deadly sin, I know, but sometimes I can't help it.

dr. Frandi was also here, talking to one of the nurses, and I wondered who was sick enough to ask for such a visit at an hour like this. He works too much, I told him. Spend time with your family, I say, they won't be around forever.

But he didn't listen to me. He takes care of his patients, he said, and should come here when called. He said he had no choice, but this made him a man torn apart by contradictions.

He wants to be a doctor who is fully devoted to his patients and a man who is fully devoted to his family. He could not be both, as his time was not enough, but he had yet to learn this.

I wondered, as her voice faded into the background, what she would choose, unfortunately, that choice would be made for her.