Bald-headed
Ch. 27

Sugi peered into the living room, saw Birundasih sitting with his head bowed, then went to the back porch, understanding that he needed to be alone. Sugi sat quietly in his rocking chair and watched the water flow as the minutes passed.

After a time that felt like forever, Sugi heard the back door open. She did not turn her head to look at her presence back then - for some reason she could not - and Sugi listened as she sat down on the chair beside her.

"I'm sorry" Birundasih said. "I didn't know this was gonna happen."

Sugi shook his head. "Don't regret it. We both knew it would come in some form or another."

"It's still hard."

"I know." He finally turned towards her, grabbing her hand. "Is there anything I can do to make it easier?"

Birundasih shook his head. "No. Not particularly. I have to do this alone. Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm going to tell him." He looked down and his voice became softer and a little further away, as if he was talking to himself. "I think it depends on him and how much he knows. If my mom's right, she might be suspicious, but she doesn't know for sure."

Sugi felt a tightness in his stomach.

When he finally spoke, his voice was stable, but Birundasih could hear the pain within.

"You're not gonna tell him about us, are you?"

"I don't know. I really don't know. While in the living room, I kept asking myself what I really wanted in my life." He squeezed his hand.

"And do you know what the answer is? The answer is that I want two things. First, I want you. I want us. I love you and always have."

He took a deep breath before continuing.

"But I also want a happy ending without hurting anyone. And I know if I stay, people will get hurt. Especially Ali. I didn't lie when I said I loved her. He doesn't make me feel the same way I feel about you, but I care about him, and this isn't fair to him. But staying here would also hurt my family and friends. I will betray everyone I know. ...I don't know if I can do that."

"You can't live your life for someone else. You have to do what's right for you, even if it hurts some of the people you love."

"I know," he said, "but whatever I choose, I must accept it. Forever. I need to be able to go forward and not look back. Can you understand that?"

He shook his head and tried to keep his voice stable. "Not really. Not if it means losing you. I can't do it anymore."

Birundasih said nothing but bowed his head.

Sugi continued, "Can you really leave me without looking back?"

Birundasih bit her lips as she replied. His voice began to break. "I don't know. Maybe not."

"Is that fair to Ali?"

Birundasih again did not answer directly. Instead he stood up, wiped his face, and walked to the edge of the foyer, he leaned against the pole. He crossed his arms and watched the water before calmly answering.

"No."

"It doesn't have to be like this, Birundasih," he said. "We're adults now, we have choices we didn't have before. We were destined to be together. We always have been."

Sugi walked to his side and placed his hand on the woman's shoulder. "I don't want to live the rest of my life thinking about you and dreaming about what might happen. Stay with me, Birundasih."

Tears began to fill his eyes. "I don't know if I can," he finally whispered.

"You can. I cannot live my life happily knowing you are with someone else. It would kill a part of me. What we have is rare. It's too beautiful to just throw away."

He didn't respond. A moment later Sugi gently directed Birundasih's body towards her, grabbed her hand, and looked at her, asking her to look at him. Birundasih finally faced it with wet eyes. After a long silence, Sugi wiped the tears from his cheeks with his fingers, an expression of tenderness on his face. His voice was stifled as he looked at what the woman's eyes were telling him.

"You're not staying, are you?" He smiled weakly. "You want to, but you can't."

"Oh, Sugi," he said as tears began again, "try to understand...."

He shook his head to stop it.

"I know what you want to say—I can see it in your eyes. But I don't want to understand it, Birundasih. I don't want to end up like this. I don't want that to happen.

Birundasih leaned on Sugi and began to cry even louder as Sugi held back his own tears.

She hugged him.

"Birundasih, I can't force you to stay with me. But no matter what happens in my life, I will never forget these last few days with you. I've been dreaming about this for years."

He kissed her softly, and they hugged her just like when she first got out of her car two days ago.

Birundasih finally let go and wiped his tears.

"I have to take my things, Sugi."

Sugi did not go inside with her. Instead he sat on a rocking chair. Sugi watched her enter the house and listened as the sound of her movements faded into nothingness.

Birundasih emerged from the house a few minutes later with everything he had brought and walked towards him with his head bowed. He handed me the picture he made yesterday morning. When Sugi picked it up, he noticed that the woman did not stop crying.

"This, Sugi. I made this for you."

Sugi took the picture and unrolled it slowly, being careful not to tear.

There are double images, one overlapping the other. The image in the foreground, which occupies most of the page, is an overview of its present appearance, not fourteen years ago. Sugi noticed that he had been drawing with a pencil on every detail of his face, including his scar. It was as if he was copying it from the latest photo.

The second picture is the front of the house. The details were also incredible, as if he was sketching while sitting under an oak tree.

"That's so beautiful, Birundasih. Thank you." Thank you." He tried to smile. "I told you you were an artist."

Birundasih nodded, his face lowered, his lips tightly clenched. It's time he left.

They walked to his car slowly, without speaking. When they got there, Sugi hugged her again until she could feel tears welling up in her own eyes. He kissed her lips and both cheeks, then with his finger gently swept over the place he kissed.

"I love you, Birundasih."

"I love you too."

Sugi opened his car door, and they kissed once again. Then he sat behind the wheel, never taking his eyes off Sugi.

He placed the mail pack and pocketbook next to him on the chair and fumbled the key, then turned the ignition. It starts easily, and the engine starts spinning impatiently. It's almost time.

Sugi closed the car door with both hands, and Birundasih lowered the window. He could see the muscles in his arms, an easy smile, a tanned face. He stretched out his hand and Sugi grabbed it for a moment, moving his fingers gently to his skin.

"Stay with me" Sugi said without a voice, and somehow this was more painful than Birundasih had expected.

Tears were starting to fall down profusely now, but he could not speak. Finally, reluctantly, he turned his face away and pulled his hand from the man's hand. He put in the gears of the car and slightly lowered the pedals. If he didn't leave now, he would never have left.

Sugi retreated slightly as the car started rolling away.

He fell into an almost trance-like state as he felt the reality of his situation. He saw the car roll slowly forward, he heard pebbles rattling under the wheels. Slowly the car began to turn from him, towards the road that would take him back to the city.

Go-he goes!- and Sugi feels his head spinning.

Car creeping forward. . . passing through it now. . .

Birundasih waved one last time without smiling before she started accelerating, and Sugi waved back weakly.

"Don't go!" he wanted to scream as the car moved further and further away. But he said nothing, and a minute later the car was gone and the only sign left of it was the trail the car left behind.

He stood there motionless for a long time. As soon as he came, he left. Forever this time. Forever.

Sugi then closed his eyes and watched her leave once more, leaving, carrying his heart with her.

But, like his mother, Sugi realized sadly, he never looked back.