Ballad First Wife
Worry and Confusion

In the evening I wake up to prepare for the meal. This is the month of Ramadan. We are running a fast

I woke Andre up. Usually he will perform tahajud prayers before eating sahur, as well as me.

I spread my prayer mat. I pray with full concentration to my Lord. I finished praying and spilled everything in my prayer. I delivered this pain in my heart to him.

"Belk!" call Mas Andre. I immediately finished my prayer.

"Yes Mas?!" ask me while opening the door.

He approached, "Don't ask for a divorce, yeah!" her door.

I'm silent. Honestly my mind is empty. If I follow my heart, I want to separate. I feel there is no hope of living happily with Mas Andre. How can I be happy if in the heart and life of Mas Andre there is another woman.

"We eat sahur, Mas. I'll wake Ryan up." I replied without regard to Mas Andre's request.

I went to Ryan's room and woke him up. The three of us ate the sahur in silence, only Ryan spoke occasionally and Mas Andre chimed in on Ryan's words. Sometimes Andre tries to throw Ryan's questions at me, but I just keep quiet. There was still the voice of the woman who blamed me for their affair. I don't feel my tears dripping.

I immediately removed it, afraid that Ryan would see my sadness.

After eating sahur, Mas Andre invited Ryan to prepare to go to the mosque to perform dawn prayers.

"Mother not coming?" ask Ryan.

"Mother prayers at home." I answered while stroking my son's head.

They leave. I went into the room and prepared to perform the Fajr prayer. While waiting for the Adhan, I used to recite. But I can't concentrate.

I finally complained to my Lord.

"O Allah, if this is punishment for all sins of the servant, then forgive the sins of the servant. If this is a reprimand for the negligence of the servant in worship, then please help the servant so that the servant may draw nearer to You. But if this is a test to increase the degree of the servant, strengthen the servant so that the servant can pass it according to your command." I said in tears.

"O Lord, I know that you have not made a test to torment Your servant, for Your monkhood and mercy precede Your wrath."

The tears are getting worse.

"O Lord, if our betrothal has come here, surely You know better than the servant, then separate us in a good way, O Allah."

My body trembled violently finished I said that sentence. As if a dam had broken, my tears had burst out. I fell prostrate. In my mind I was prostrating before my Most Merciful Lord.

"Don't leave my servant, O Rabb." I groaned in tears.

Next I don't know what's going on. When I came to, my hand had an infusion hose attached. Eyes turned around looking around. I saw Mas Andre falling asleep in the chair beside my bed.

"Mas!" call me in a hoarse voice.

Andre did not hear because of his deep sleep. I'm trying to get up. My throat feels dry. I saw a glass of water on the bedside table. I want to drink but remember I'm fasting. When my eyes saw the infusion liquid, I realized that my satisfaction was void.

Finally I tried to reach him, but failed and the glass fell.

Mas Andre was shocked by the noise that arose due to the falling glass.

"Sik, are you conscious?" he got up and approached me.

"Mas, why was I infused?"

"You fainted. Long time unconscious. So I'm worried. I called the nurse to give you intravenous fluids."

I fainted. The last thing I remember was that I was prostrating.

"Sik, it's been seven more" replied Mas Andre.

"No. I have to pray. I left the prayer because I fainted, not because I intentionally. So no papa I pray now." I got up then with the help of Mas Andre I tried ablution as much as I could. After that I prayed while sitting on the bed.

When I took off the mukena finished praying, Mas Andre came while carrying food.

"Sik, you eat first. The nurse said you were eating porridge first." Andre handed over the porridge he had brought to my lap and took it again.

"I'm just bribing you?" mas Andre said and started bribing me.

"I can eat by myself, Mommy."

I took the porridge from Mas Andre's hand and started eating it. I don't know, I feel sick being noticed by Mas Andre. I feel like he did it with a compulsion.

Three days I was treated because my stomach acid arrived high. As long as my phone hurts keep ringing. My coworkers kept asking me about my situation. There is a sense of happiness in receiving attention from them.

On the fourth day I was allowed to go home. The next day Mas Andre said because it was time for him to work.

"Two days I did not go home yes, I went home in him." said Mas Andre without burden.

I kept quiet and didn't answer. My heart hurts so much. My hands clenched firmly strengthening myself.

After Andre died, I cried again. I'm really confused as to what I should do. I wanted to scream and scream for help. But it's useless, other than him no one can help me.

But His help also did not come in Sim Salabim. It all takes time. Can I wait for that time to come.

Two days later Andre came home. In the morning he came and took Ryan for the morning walk. I went to work as usual.

That night, I tried to talk about our problems again. I asked Mas Andre, what exactly made him want to marry again even without my permission.

"For example, I feel like a man. She's a good woman. His religious science is also good." he replied casually.

Oh God, what during my husband, Mas Andre did not feel as a man. But why is it because he helped me wash my clothes. Wasn't it our commitment from the beginning of marriage that we were for duty. Then, he said the woman was a good woman. Am I not a good woman.

He also said his religious knowledge is good,. Oh my God, I remember once what Mas Andre answered when I reminded to. reduce chat with women who are not mahram. At that time he said that my religious knowledge was nanggung, so do not be pretentious advising.

Heart's broken. I really feel defeated. My devotion of fifteen years, defeated by a woman who rocks a year he knows.

I'm leaving Andre. I went back to the prayer.

I pray two prayers to calm down. I poured out everything I felt on him.

"Oh my God, let me talk to someone. And please, make that person your advice to help me. Show me who it is, O Lord." I groaned in prayer.

When I finished praying, I laid my body on the bed. I reluctantly went back to the room and saw Mas Andre.

I'm asleep. In my sleep I saw my sister. He smiled and spread his arms and hugged me.

"Patience, mad." whispered soothingly.

...🍃🍃🍃...

Alhamdulillah

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