Ballad First Wife
He's Depressed

In the afternoon Mas Andre wanted to go to the woman's house to visit her father. He begged to be allowed to go there because this is Lebaran.

My heart ached again after a few days of calm. I remember this afternoon after the sungkeman event, usually he would video call with my mother who was in the village because just like last year, we could not go home because of this pandemic. But this afternoon Mas Andre had to remind me first he contacted my mother. He just talked to my mom, didn't want to talk to my other brother.

And now, he insisted that he be allowed to go to the woman's house on the grounds that Lebaran wanted to go to her father-in-law. Mas Andre had already completely controlled his feelings for the woman. If it's like this, will I have to survive. His heart is unfair.

"Go!" finally, the word came out of my lips. It's free for me to ban it and keep it at home if my heart and mind continue to go there. I have to learn to accept if I've been erased in Mas Andre's heart and mind.

"Thank you, Ra. You are a good wife. I promise, I won't be long." Andre kissed my forehead before he left.

Your praise is fake. If I'm a good wife, why do you still need another woman to make you a wife.

"Mother, where are you?" ryan's voice surprised me.

"Dad there is a need. Why is Ryan looking for a father?" I asked gently while stroking his head.

"Mother, Ryan wants to go to aunt's house. Want to meet Nisa and Kafi." Ryan replied as he looked at me with pleading eyes. Eyes wail if Ruan says.

"Come, we'll go there" I replied.

"Dad?" ask Ryan again.

"Yes. Dad's not coming. Just the two of us" I stood up from my seat. Take the helmet and motor key.

Fifteen minutes later we reached my sister's house. After the usual Eid ritual, sorry for each other, my sister and I sat chatting while looking at Ryan who was playing happily with Nisa and Kafi. I actually wanted to confide in my sister, but reluctantly. My sister didn't mention my family at all. Maybe he keeps my feelings from being sad. I wanted him to ask me if there was a way to start telling stories.

"How's your job, Ma'am?" ask sister. Instead of asking about my household, he asked about my job.

"Good."

"Is Alan still your boss?"

"For the moment yes. Don't know later. You know, countrymen like us should be ready to move anywhere. It was our promise when we first lifted."

"And he's still not married?"

"Yes, people still live alone. Uh.. but why are you suddenly asking Alan?"

"No papa. This morning we met during the Ied prayer in the field."

"Ooo." I just o ria responded to my sister's answer.

"Mom!"

"Yes." Yeah."

"Don't you know that Alan used to like Mommy?"

I'm silent. Alan had indeed conveyed his heart first when we were in High School. But I never responded. Actually at that time I also had the same feeling, but my disbelief made me hang Alan's love statement. I don't accept it nor do I reject it.

"Mbak, sorry. I'm just afraid I might do the wrong thing. They need the attention and support of others. I'm afraid, you'll falter when you get more attention from Mas Alan. Because he had closed the message so that I keep and pay attention Ma'am. Looks like he knows the mbak family matter." Brother explained.

"Yes, he does know." I replied with a wry smile.

"Mother told him?" my sister's eyes were watching my face.

"Sir, I hope you don't keep up with what Mas Andre did."

"You mean?"

"From what I saw earlier, Mas Alan still holds the same flavor to you. Ma'am, it's not that I don't like Alan. But for now, ... "

"I know dik." cut me up quickly, "I know. You're afraid I'm captivated by Alan's attention because I've lost my husband's attention, right?"

My sister nodded, "Sorry. I'm just reminding. Because I'm still Mas Andre's wife."

"Yes dik. Thank ye. But you take it easy. I wouldn't do the same. Even so, I am still afraid of sin." I said, then I laughed. My sister laughed too. A word of gratitude came out from his lips.

Time keeps moving night. I came home after Ryan said he was sleepy.

"What kind of brook should not be delivered Mas Arif. Let Ryan be hugged by Mas Arif. His son is sleepy. Safer to be piggybacked in front." My sister suggested seeing Ryan's eyes that were already dim due to drowsiness. Seeing Ryan's situation like that, I agreed to my sister's proposal.

I finally came home with my sister's husband.

"Thank you Rif." I said when we got to my house. Arif, my sister-in-law, nodded and went home.

Ryan went straight to his room as soon as we entered the house. Shortly thereafter, Andre arrived. I looked at his face and I was astonished to see the look on his face that seemed to be riled up and unhappy.

I silently did not dare to ask for fear that the answer would make the wound in my heart bleed again. Let him be with everything he feels, I try not to care.

"By!" call him a little rough.

"Yes, Mommy." I answered short.

"What kind of thing are you using?" his tanyanya confused me.

"Your science? What science do you mean, Mas."

"Ra, don't you pretend. I know you're coming by the moon right now. But I see you every prayer time, sitting with your face in Ryan's room. What science did you use to hurt her. You know, he's sick. He also said that I got magic because my attitude towards him changed. Answer me, what science do you use." Mas Andre said loudly while gripping my arm.

I looked at him. I can't believe it. Is it true that this man in front of me is my old husband. Is he still the sholeh Mas Andre? My eyes started to glaze over. Andre released his grip on my arm. Maybe because I saw her crying.

"He's ill. He said it's out of the smart guy, and that guy said I got black magic." Andre explained without asking. I still keep quiet about the feeling in my heart.

"Mas, he's the one who went to the smart guy, why did Mas ask him to me? Why don't you ask him what kind of science he uses?" reply cynical.

"He went to the pinter to find a cure so he could forget me. Because some days he's sick from being depressed."

I laugh. Laughter is sad and a little amused.

"I'm the one who was betrayed, I'm the one who was bullied why he was depressed. Is it not back?" my tease. "Origin knows. I was in a hitch. But I need God right now. That's why I keep praying and reciting at every prayer time. Even during night prayers. Not to make knowledge or study or anything that aims to hurt or attack others. I just want to get closer to my Lord. If he's sick, it's not me who's making him sick."

"If not who are you then?"

"Astaghfirullah, Mom. Remember that! Only God can make people sick."

Andre was silent. Seeing him quiet, I left him. I cleaned my face and legs, then went to the room to sleep. A while later, I felt Mas Andre slumping his body behind me. I felt her getting closer and her hands hugging me tightly. I'm giving my body a push back.

"Don't reject me. Sins. I just want to hug you." whispered Mas Andre in my ear. Hearing the word sin, I kept quiet. Yes, he's still my husband. And he still has rights over me. Whatever he has done, does not make his rights disappear. Unless he's stalking me.