Quarter Century Duda
Memories that Bring Grief

Talking about marriage is never easy for Tendean. Twenty-five years ago when he lost Desy Febyanti, it was as if Tendean had no desire to build a household. To Tendean, when his wife left him, his heart felt empty. His life feels flat. Empty and empty too. Now, Tendean sat on the edge of his bed, massaging his forehead.

"Have you heard your daughter's request, Desy? Feels funny. Long ago, when he was a kid. Your daughter just thinks that her father is hers. Now, when your daughter is all grown up and has built a family, she has this old man to remarry" he said alone.

There was a faint smile and a head-buckle. Tendean recalled that when Anaya was a child, her daughter was protective of her. Even Anaya also cried a lot, she she took a job at the weekend. Now, Anaya grew up so quickly and asked her father to marry again.

"I don't know with my heart either, Desy. Years went by, even my late mother knew me several times with her best friend's daughter, wanting me to marry, but I couldn't seem to open a new page. Losing you in my youth, made me no longer passionate in my old days. Could it be that love will say hello again when I get old, Des? Can I fill my days with another love?"

Just touch Tendean's chest feels tight. If anyone is skeptical about love it is Tendean. He felt he could never fall in love again. His nights passed in memory of his beloved wife, Desy Febyanti.

Tendean shed his tears in memory of his wedding day with Desy. With a black suit, and Desy who wore a white kebaya, so simple. A Kabul Ijab held only in the courtyard of Desy's residence.

"Every time you remember, your heart grieves Desy. I'm like a white frangipani flower falling over your belly button. White symbolizes eternity, but white to me is only a fog that slowly makes me close my eyes until only dark is felt. Every time I think of you, my heart is heartbroken, Desy. If there's anyone left behind for a few years, it's me. Me, my heart, and my love are still behind me" Tendean said.

The way people process one event is different. Some felt left far behind, but others managed to run fast forward. Treating wounds by opening new sheets.

"Even since you left, February has always been grey for me. February is the month I want to miss. All the grief and distress seemed to peak in February. Will the old man ever lament his solitude, Desy?"

Until Tendean finally laid himself down, he felt the bed that had been empty for 25 years. Cowering to himself, without ever having a warm body lying on his side. His palm was merely elbowing the empty side of the bed.

"Peace in eternity, Desy. What will happen to my heart and my life, I assure you that I will always remember you in a beautiful way. As beautiful as this feeling that has continued for a quarter of a century."