Restart
chapter 5's

I thought this was my suffering, having lived the first life without regret, living my second life full of suffering. I never asked for much. If you ask someone like me what I am, I am actually very humble. I think my attitude is commendable. In this case, I don't really know what God is thinking.

So with all that going on, by the time High School came along, I was a very bleak individual. If I in my first life saw the present me, he would never believe that we were the same person, I'm sure of that. Or at least it took a while until he recognized me. Ever since Sumi rejected me in the spring of the third year of my junior high, I slowly began to hate everyone. Not that I really hate everyone, but... Well, I got into a much worse school than I got into before. And as I grew into a non-achiever, my hatred for others grew. And it's getting worse. As I kept my distance from the people around me, I became a loner. You could say, my life in school only contained suffering. For three years of school, everything went free, as if all I did was look at a ticking wall clock. That was my school life, all I did was wait for the passage of time. I thought that with the passage of time, things would get better. But all I got was a disappointing ending. Actually, my problem didn't get any worse, but it didn't improve either. High School is not made for people without friends. I don't have a friend to enjoy spending time with.

That way, I barely even remember my second Junior High. I even threw away the yearbook without even looking at the contents. Those were such painful moments. Even on a school tour, which should be a lot of fun, it was excruciating. I remember that other people openly treated me cruelly, and I woke up in the middle of the night in a hotel to cry in the bathroom. Those are the memories I had during the school tour. I always thought to myself, "Why is everything going to be like this?" and "This shouldn't have happened." But that's what anyone in my current state would ask. It's basically just a self-conformity. However, my first self never had such thoughts. Surprisingly, now I think about it.

I wonder, do I now have to pay for this consequence of being too happy in the first life?

But then again, I seem pretty sure that this world does not have a sense of justice. The world I live in doesn't seem to be equal enough to be true. I thought that it all depended on how I lived it, and I could have had a happier life than my first. My mistake was, not trying better when given the chance to repeat life once again. For example, there is a race with a hundred participants, then there is always someone who will become the third champion, right?

But look, he got third place when he tried his best to get first place. If he had only aimed for the third champion from the start, he would probably have finished seventh or ninth. More or less that's the mistake I made.

I'm quite reluctant to be here to wait another 5 hours, because I could have pneumonia.But when I sit on the bench, suddenly I saw someone waiting in vain at the bus stop across the street. I knew the girl very well, her hair fluttering in a storm. Yes, it was Sumi, the girl who rejected me in the spring of the third year of my Junior High. "Why?", that was the first thing I thought of. The high school we attended should be quite far apart. I wonder, does he have any other duties or business that brought him here?

Yes, sometimes things like that can happen. I could have just asked her directly, but I couldn't muster the determination to talk to her.At that time, I still had some sort of disappointment in Sumi. She didn't accept my love, so I don't have to pay attention to her anymore right now. A selfish reason. But if I don't shift the blame to others, then I can't live this life in peace. But now that Sumi was in front of me, I realized that some part of me was happy when she was here. At least I realized that. I looked at Sumi harshly, but she didn't seem to notice it. Maybe I was so insignificant to him, that he had long forgotten me. He looked very lonely and shivered in the cold. Looks like he needs someone to make the atmosphere warmer. Of course, it was just a phony delusion and fantasy. Because when I think "someone," of course I mean myself. But, I convinced myself that was what he was thinking. A happy misinterpretation. My illusion said that I was the one he needed, even though it seemed that he would be fine even if I had no company. I managed to convince myself that "Hey, in the end the girl needs me." After all, one could use this misunderstanding as a fantasy to stay alive.

I had lost a lot of enthusiasm in life, but driven by my hopeful misunderstanding, I was determined to regain my happy days. The first agenda is to study like crazy to get into the same university as Sumi. It's not like I'm learning in a panic. Instead of focusing on learning, I stopped focusing on other things. "Concentration by obliterating other things," might be more properly called that? It seems like a pretty good phrase. I get rid of all the things that have nothing to do with studying. Of course, this is a dangerous method. If you screw it up, you'll get worse and worse to the point that you have no meaning to live. But I think I can survive by tuning music while I study. I never considered myself a fan of music before. I really like John Lennon. Especially since in my first life, whenever my boyfriend had free time, that's what he would set. Surprisingly, the memories associated with Lennon were slightly more dominant than the other things that were also my favorites. Well, I guess the music's timeless, so maybe it's not weird. I've read good song lyrics in a magazine, even if it doesn't fit your mood at all, you'll love it over time, and you'll listen to it again and again.

I used to listen to karaoke. But in my second High School life, I had heard of "Yer Blues" on the radio, and soon realized how familiar John Lennon was in my ears. From then on, I would always tune Lennon's songs while I was studying. Finally I had a clear goal, I became more serious about living life in High School for the second time. Until then, I had already checked the clock fifty times, hoping that things could go a little faster. But as the lesson progressed it became something important to me, and everything passed in the blink of an eye. I practiced my memorization even on buses and trains, and after I spent a lot of time at my desk at night, I stopped staying up late and worrying about something insignificant. I spend too much time thinking about things that are not important. By cramming an incredible amount of infomars into my head in a short amount of time, old memories began to get sidelined, and became increasingly unimportant.

My last year of school was actually rather peaceful. The part I remember most is the final exam, or rather the exam in early winter. My memory was locked in my room while studying. The smell of coffee filled the room, and the speaker to the left of my desk gently played the Strawberry Fields Forever song. On the right is a small table lamp, which is the only illumination there. Behind and to the right of my chair was a heater, which tilted so it did not blow hot air directly at me. Every two or three hours, I put on my coat, go outside, and breathe the winter air. If the weather is good, I can see the stars. As soon as the fatigue disappears, I will re-enter, warm my hands to the warmers, and return to a world of only myself, textbooks, and music. Actually, it's not so bad. In fact, I can feel calmness and satisfaction when doing all that. In the end, I expanded my academic abilities as far as I could. And miraculously, I was able to get into the university that I entered in my first life. That was amazing. I finally managed to convince myself back. I feel like I can do anything. Real nice. Everything has gone well so far. When the college entrance ceremony was over, I was looking around for my ex-boyfriend ... Sumi. And. yes, I found it, but this is where the problem begins. Three years is a long time to change something. And I think I'm ready.