The Flower Of Eternity
Chapter 18: The Diary

"We talked last night." Anna said after a long silence after reminiscing about their date in the Orient.

"Xavier talked to you?" Repeated Irene. I hope he hears wrong.

"Not often, but..." Anna looked half-thoughtful, "When I'm alone at night, when I can't sleep, we talk."

"What are you talking about?" Irene asked carefully. "You didn't complain about my fussiness to her, did you?" Candanya.

Anna smiled, "Sometimes I did complain to Xavier. But he always stood up for you."

"Good boy. He's devoted to his mother." Irene observed Anna who now looked healthier than the past week. Since the arrival of Constanza and her husband, Anna's appetite has returned so that her body is not as straight as last week. Irene felt relieved when she saw Anna no longer wearing a grieving dress and began to put on makeup and do her hair. "I'm glad to see you're back in a brightly colored dress. If I'm honest, black doesn't suit you at all. Makes you look gloomy and pale. Now you look so pretty like a flower that just blooms in early spring."

Anna blushed at the compliment. "Thank you, Queen Mother. Xavier asked me to wear a brightly colored dress. Said I was prettier in bright colors."

Irene looked worried before asking further. "Xavier asked you?" Ask again, make sure.

Anna nodded, "I told you, right. He's talking to me. We have a way of communicating without meeting each other. He said the blue of the sea and the red color fit me best. But I don't have many dresses of that color." Anna then looked at Irene. His eyes now seemed to sparkle, "How about we take the concubines for a walk while shopping? It must be fun shopping together. Eze has the best shops in all of Schiereiland."

Irene seemed hesitant because it felt like Anna's words sounded strange. But seeing the twinkle in his eyes, the smile on his face, the spirit alive in his tone of voice that he had not heard for a long time, Irene could not bear to refuse his invitation. They took a walk in downtown Eze and shopped that afternoon until all the shops closed because they were running out of things to sell.

...****************...

Irene tells Leon about Anna's strange behavior. And while Anna was asleep, Irene picked up Anna's diary, which she had been reading a lot lately. Irene immediately handed the book to Leon to read because Irene was worried that her guess seemed to be correct.

Leon read it page by page.

She went...

That's all it says on that one page. The date states that Anna wrote it on the day of Xavier's death. That explains why there are so many tear drops in the yard. Because that day, Anna did not stop crying.

...****************...

Leon opens the next page, the second day after Xavier's death. Funeral day. The day Anna almost jumped off the balcony to end her life.

Xavier's...

I seem to go with you because I don't feel alive at all. I'd rather just die with you. People don't seem to understand, but I really can't live without you. Need you. So, please, come back to me...

This morning we had a funeral for you. Even writing it down feels inappropriate. I should have spoken my last words to you in front of everyone, but I couldn't. So I asked my mother-in-law to represent me.

There are so many things I want to tell you...

Leon told me that we have the same date of birth. I'm stupid for not knowing at all. Even though it's too late, I think I want to say it to you. Happy birthday, my love...

Miss you. Hugely.

So tonight I sneak out of my room and go to your room. I think I better call it our room because I sleep there more often. I took your clothes and hoped your scent would still be left there. I slept in your bed, on the right side, where you used to sleep because that side was closer to the window, so it was cooler—you know best I don't have strong cold air here. I hope your warmth is still in that bed. So I closed my eyes hugging your clothes, pretending you were still here, sleeping with me.

But no matter how long I close my eyes, I can't sleep. The servants of the Palace work so hard that your clothes no longer store your scent. I can't smell anything. The bed also felt cold and too big. And why is this room so dark, when I've turned on the lights. I hate the dark. Wherever I go, the darkness is always there. It felt like the world was putting out the lights just for me. I feel lonely without you here, Xavier.

Xavier, our little princess is quieter today. Usually every night he was active. But I don't feel any movement from him tonight. He was so calm that he scared me. Could he have known that his father had just died so he was grieving?

Xavier, my waist hurts. I'm tired and hungry. My body is limp with no energy at all. But I don't want to eat anything. I can't taste food, all food tastes tasteless. I'm not having a taste for food. And though I was sleepy and tired, I could not sleep even though I was trying to close my eyes. My legs ache, but I can't massage them, you haven't taught me how. I could have had an expert massage my legs, but I remember you didn't like other people touching me.

I don't understand what's happening to me. I'm starting to depend on you. It's like I can't do anything without you. I can't be like this, right?

Do you know what? I can still hear your voice. I don't know if that's my hallucination or if you're talking to me. But if you're still talking to me, doesn't that mean you're still alive? So why aren't you here? What do I do to get you back to my side?

I promise I will listen to you more often and not argue with you anymore. I will be a good wife who always obeys your words. I'll never be mad at you again. I even ordered never to include cheese in the daily menu because you can't eat it even though I really like cheese soup. I'll do whatever you want but please come back to me. Need you. It's hard to stay alive after you're gone...

You should have just let me die...

You still won't come back no matter how often I cry?

Should I just die to see you again?

...****************...

Leon continued to go page by page and read through the entire contents of Anna's diary.

The third day after Xavier's death:

Xavier...

Yesterday I almost jumped off the balcony of our room. I knew you'd be so mad at me if you knew. But Leon managed to derail my efforts. I suspect you told him. You guys are always conspiring behind my back.

Don't worry, I know my actions were wrong. I'm not gonna do it again. Leon's right, I shouldn't have done that. Our little daughter will die with me if I decide to commit suicide.

Sorry, Xavier. I promise I won't do it again.

I'll try to survive without you. I know you left Imperial and our people to me. You entrusted everything to me. And I will rise. I'll be a good leader. I'm gonna be a good mother. But not today. I still can't get up now. Please let me grieve for you even longer.

And don't stop talking to me. Whether it's a hallucination or your spirit is always watching me, I'm happy to hear your voice in my head. I don't feel alone.

...****************...

Fourth day after Xavier's death:

My love...

Miss you. When are you back? I can't sleep. Whenever I try to sleep, I always dream the same thing. It was a nightmare that made me scream in my sleep and finally woke up all my ladies. In my dream, you died saving me.

That's not true, is it?

You're still alive, aren't you?

My mother-in-law said it had happened. That it wasn't just a dream. That you're dead. Mother-in-law sometimes likes to miss when joking.

If you die, there's no way I can still talk to you.

...****************...

So... Are you really dead? Is it not just a dream?

This morning my mother-in-law took me out. I thought we were going to your grave because I kept insisting that you weren't dead. I don't understand either. Something seems wrong with my mind. Sometimes your death feels like a nightmare. Sometimes I feel like I'm living that nightmare.

Your mother didn't take me to your grave. Your mother invited me to meet with your stepmothers, your father's concubines. They were all trying to comfort me and accompany me in mourning. They remember you as their excellent stepdaughter. I didn't know you treated those who hurt you that well. I'm proud of you because you don't hold a grudge against them.

Xavier's... My darling...

Don'worry. You can go quietly. I'll be fine. There are a lot of good people around me because you were good to them while you were alive.

Although it still feels difficult now, I will try to return to what I used to be. For the time being, Leon is still replacing me with our duties. But later, if I am strong enough, I will return to serve the people as a good leader, whom they can rely on. Like yourself.

...****************...

Sixth day after Xavier's death:

Xavier, honey...

I'm haunted by nightmares. In that dream, you were killed.

Of course it was just a dream.

Leon today gave me Bloody Berry again. Because he said I often wake up in the middle of the night and scream. I'm totally unconscious.

Leon said he would take me and my mother-in-law on vacation to Eze. Do you remember, my palace that Nicholas gave me, my ex-fiancee? I remember so much because it was at the Palace that I became more and more convinced that I really loved you and wanted to live with you. And that I can't live without you.

That place is full of memories with you. When I saw you lying for days after Constanza shot Morta's poison dart, from then on, I knew I wouldn't be able to live without you. That's when I realized I loved you so much.

So, Xavier, if when you come back I'm not at the Main Palace in Noord, go to Eze and meet me at Anastasia Palace.

Ilove you.

...****************...

The seventh day after Xavier's death:

I'm so glad you're back. I saw! It can't be just my hallucination, can it?

You called me to go for a walk on the beach in the middle of the night, when everyone was asleep. But at that moment, the mother-in-law who was somehow still awake, dragged me away from the beach instead. He thought I was going to kill myself by drowning myself. He doesn't seem to know that I'm there to go with you.

Lately my mother-in-law has become more protective of me, like Leon. You should have told me how similar they are! Not just his face, but his attitude towards me.

Xavier darling...

Eze is so much fun. The view is beautiful and there are many beautiful shops. I'm gonna take Mom-in-law out shopping for a new dress. Lately I have been wearing a black dress too often as if I was grieving. I will follow your words by wearing a brightly colored dress. So I'll look pretty in your eyes when you come.

I'll wait for you here.

...****************...

After a night of not sleeping due to reading and thinking about the contents of Anna's diary, the next morning, before the sun actually rose in Eze's sky, Leon teleported back to Eze to meet Irene.

"We can't let it go like this." Leon gives Anna's diary back to Irene. "He can't be like this."

Irene received the diary. After this he will return it to Anna's room before Anna wakes up. "Leave it." Said.

"What?"

Irene stood leaning against the window ledge of her room at Anastasia Palace. The room faces directly into the ocean. Lately he has been monitoring the ocean more often, just in case Anna goes back to sleep walking towards the ocean and drowning herself. Although her eyes were staring at her eldest son, Irene looked dreamy unblinking. He was recalling his chat with Anna yesterday afternoon.

"You didn't see her smile that afternoon, Leon." He said with a soft. "You don't see how happy he is. She looks fine. He looks so much alive than at any time since Xavier's death. If you see him, I'll bet you'll agree with me."

"He hallucinated that Xavier was alive! He's starting to lose his mind! He even repeatedly attempted suicide unknowingly. He's not okay!"

Irene knew Leon was right. But even himself was still recovering from the pain of losing his youngest son. Irene also still dreams of Xavier and sometimes hears his voice as if he is still alive. So he understood what Anna was feeling.

"If Xavier hadn't protected her back then..." Irene looked at Leon with teary eyes holding back her tears, "if it was her who died then, and not Xavier. What's gonna happen?"

Leon couldn't answer.

In his mind, the events of that time twisted again as clearly and as detailed as that day. Leon remembered the cold air. Remembering Eleanor's purple eyes and the horrors inside. Remembering the weight of his sword in his right hand that was ready to pierce through Eleanor's heart. Remembering Eleanor's ice spear wrapped around Anna's rose and Xavier's blood. Remembering the snow that became red by Xavier's blood.

If it's Anna's blood. If the one pierced by the ice spear was Anna's heart. If the one who died that day was Anna...

Even imagining it is so painful.

"Do you want me to help you answer?" Irene rose after a long time Leon mute. "Xavier loved him so much that he was sure to be very angry and sad. He will forget his own identity and regardless of his surroundings, he will burn the entire land with his fire. The entire Nordhalbinsel could be destroyed in the blaze. Then you..." Irene paused for a moment, observing the change in expression on Leon's face. "You love him so much too so you'll lose your mind too. You're gonna kill Eleanor and kill yourself. That way, I will lose two sons, a son-in-law and my future grandson. I will also lose Nordhalbinsel and all of it. I might as well have died by then."

Leon was still silent as he imagined all that.

If Anna had died that day, they would all probably have died. If Anna were to die that day, Leon would not be able to survive. Life will feel like a hell of a regret to him.

"I am deeply saddened by Xavier's death. He is my son. He brought us all together. But with a very wounded heart I must say that perhaps his death was the best-case scenario among the worst. Even though it broke Anna's heart. Even if it destroys him. It's our job to keep him whole." Irene walked towards her son, patting his shoulders to calm him down. "Later... Later he will learn to accept Xavier's death slowly. For the time being, at least until the baby is born, let him have fun."

Leon shook his head, "I can't do that. It's the same as lying to her."

"Then you don't have to interfere. Just do your chores. I'll take care of her and make sure she stays happy and gives birth safely."

Leon walked away from his mother. She finds a bottle of wine that she believes Irene drank last night. He finished the bottle.

"It's still too early." Irene warned. But Leon doesn't care. He drank the wine until it ran out.

"Until when?" Ask Leon later.

"Until the baby is born." Irene. He takes the wine bottle from Leon's hand and the other wine is still full, then keeps it away from Leon. "We'll start telling him after that. Just slow down."

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