The Flower Of Eternity
Chapter 30: The Depression

The journal of King Xavier:

I fell asleep in his room!

Anna finally spoke. I mean really talk after a long time he just shut up. Since her mother's death she doesn't want to talk to anyone and I'm very worried. So when he finally asked me if I could come see him, of course I immediately flew to his palace in Schiereiland as fast as I could.

He looked very thin and pale as if he had not slept or eaten properly for days. I want to do something for her, whatever I can do so she can find her life spirit again. If only I could bring General Leon to her, she would be very happy. But Leon hasn't yet woken up from his long sleep.

Anna asked me to accompany her last night. I don't think it's a bad idea because we're both having trouble sleeping. So we just chatted all night until we both fell asleep. I had never slept in a girl's room before so when I woke up this morning I was really surprised and had absolutely no idea what to say. I did drink last night before coming to his room, and I was a little drunk but I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything inappropriate. I was worried Anna would be mad at me. But it didn't. She thanked me because I was with her. He said that only then could he really sleep soundly without nightmares, so shyly and with a red blushing face she asked me to come back and sleep with her if I didn't mind. What it means is real sleep, without doing anything that is inappropriate for two unmarried people. But still, my stupid heart was crazy to hear him talk like that. And I'm sure my face is also flushed.

I don't mind at all, of course. Because I also felt able to sleep peacefully for the first time after a long time I had insomnia. After all, due to being nearby, Morta's poison was no longer felt. It was like completely recovering from Morta's poison. Right, it's for the common good. It's not because Anna likes me, because of course she doesn't feel that way towards me. I mean, we did kiss a few times but I really don't know if he did it because he likes me too or for healing. I don't know if she knows that every time we kiss, I find it harder and harder to let go. I became greedy and wanted it more and more.

I dare not expect that she also harbored feelings for me for wanting me to sleep with her. Maybe he just wants to sleep well. Maybe because my fire makes her feel warm and calm and comfortable so she can sleep well. I don't know. But obviously I can't hope at all. I would only be disappointed if I expected his love. In this life, we cannot repeat destiny. I will just love her in silence and hope for her happiness.

***

The pair of emerald eyes greeted him as soon as Anna opened her two eyes. There are only two possibilities, Anna is hallucinating because she misses him so much, or Anna is dreaming. Of course it's not real. But it felt so real that Anna would not blink. If he blinked, Xavier would disappear from before him. As always.

"Good morning, my wife." Sweep it while smiling. There were no words that could describe how much Anna missed that smile. The previous smile greeted him every morning.

Enough's enough!

Anna closed her eyes immediately. He did not want to be too long dissolved in his delusion. And once he opens his eyes again, Xavier will be back. And life will go on as usual. Time will pass erasing the traces of Xavier in her heart until Anna will actually be able to live her life normally again and perhaps open her heart again. But Xavier will be a happy memory that he will never forget.

"You want to go to bed again?"

Anna opened her eyes again.

Xavier was still there, with his black hair looking messy, lying beside him with one hand propping up his head and the other hand was about to caress him.

"It's a dream." Said Anna. His voice was hoarse because he just woke up. No. gabe. He should still be sleeping because it was just a dream.

"Dreams?" Ask Xavier. She then gently stroked Anna's face and landed a kiss on her forehead. "What's a dream?"

It's all just a dream. Anna convinced herself. Xavier's existence feels very real. Even though the kiss felt very real. Although the fingers of Xavier who was caressing him now felt very real. But he knew it was all just a dream and he had to wake up soon.

Whatchu mean? You said something weird again. Xavier replied to his words through their channel as usual.

"Go away." Anna said, half begging. Because if he continued to dream like this, he would never recover from his grief. A beautiful dream like this was far more terrifying than the nightmares that had haunted him all along. Such a beautiful dream made him want to continue to fall asleep and eventually he would not be able to live a normal life.

"Where?" Ask Xavier. He looks confused.

Anna did not answer. He didn't want to answer her, because in his heart he didn't really want Xavier to leave. Even if it was just a dream, it was really nice to see it and feel its presence as if Xavier was really still alive. So he just looked at her in silence. Imagine if it wasn't a dream. If that's all true.

"Why are you crying? Did I do something wrong?" Xavier asked again while wiping away the tears flowing down Anna's cheek with his finger. He kissed her cheek too.

Anna did not even realize that she was crying. The next second she was actually crying loudly. His heart was burning because he knew it was all just a dream. Xavier hugged her and patted her back slowly to calm her down.

"What's wrong? Why are you crying all of a sudden?" Xavier looked panicked. "I'm sorry. Whatever it is, I'm sorry."

Anna couldn't answer. It felt like if he stopped crying to answer her, he would wake up from the dream and he would have to go back to living a real life without Xavier. In his dream, Xavier was still there.

"alright. Alright. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. It's okay." Xavier said again, still not letting go of his embrace.

Anna pushed him away. "You're gone." His voice vibrates.

Xavier looked surprised by those words. "I exist. I'm right here." Xavier said as he then clasped Anna's hand. Anna was able to feel back that warmth she had not felt for a long time. Xavier puts Anna's hand on her chest and Anna can feel Xavier's heart beating like it used to. "I'm still alive. You can feel it, right? My heart is still beating. I'm still alive. Why did you say that?"

"Because it's not real. You're not real." Anna said with a cold tone. He pulled his hand from Xavier's chest. Even so, that heartbeat felt so real that it felt like he wanted to touch her again.

Without saying anything more, Xavier pulled Anna closer and kissed her. Anna did not reject him nor avoid him. He let himself dissolve into the kiss he had long missed. Enjoying the moment she can finally vent her longing for her kisses and caresses. Feel his touch and breath, as well as their heartbeats chime in tune. It felt like he could believe that the kiss was real, and Xavier's existence was real. He doesn't want to stop. Her lips miss Xavier's lips. His skin misses Xavier's skin. So when Xavier started to move away, he pulled her back, asking her not to stop. Xavier complied with the request with pleasure.

Until the sound of the door being knocked.

"Your Majesty, the Queen Mother would like to meet." That's Eliza's voice, her assistant. Usually in his dreams there was no one else but Xavier. There were usually only the two of them in his dreams.

"Please come in, Eliza." Not Anna, but Xavier answered. And of course it was beyond his estimation. Anna was too shocked until she hurriedly wiped away the rest of her tears and confirmed her half-opened nightgown. Xavier covered Anna's smooth thighs with their blankets. "Sorry, sweetheart. My mother came at an inopportune time. We'll continue later." Then kiss her forehead.

"What's up, Mommy?" Xavier asked, stopping Irene's nagging.

"Thank God you're awake. I was taking Vierra for a walk in the greenhouse with Leon and Elyan. Suddenly Vierra cried." Irene. Meanwhile, Vierra still continued to cry at Irene's hands. "Xavier, son, don't just shut up and get here with your daughter! You know for yourself he wouldn't be quiet if he hadn't been carried by his father."

Xavier immediately obeyed Irene and took Vierra from her hand. The baby's cry soon subsided. Xavier smiled at Vierra. "My beautiful daughter... Why crying? Is Irene's chatty granny too fierce for you?"

Irene threw a fierce look at her son. Xavier held back a laugh.

"I'll take Vierra out. You can get ready first, baby." Xavier said to Anna. She then turned back to Irene, "Mother didn't bring her car?"

"I left it in the greenhouse because I was too panicked. Leon will bring it later. He's with Elyan." Answer Irene.

"Mom shouldn't burden Leon again. He's been pretty busy with Elyan." Xavier said to Irene, preparing to leave the room while holding Vierra. "Darling, aren't you getting ready soon?" Xavier asked as he saw Anna still sitting on the bed staring at the strange sight before him. Xavier who was alive and looking healthy was holding Vierra while smiling happily. Anna had absolutely no idea she would be able to see that beautiful scene with both of her eyes. The scene was so real to him, but it was also so impossible.

"Wetting?" Anna's birthday, still not fully recovered from the kiss or anything from what she saw at this time. "Watch up for what?"

"Aren't we going to Westeria to meet Eugene? Eugene has agreed to make Westeria a part of Imperial." Answer Xavier.

"Westerlies?" Anna is confused. He was indeed planning to make Westeria a part of Imperial. To help Eugene break the curse of the Reyes Clan at once so that he could have the Westeria technicians help with the Steel Dragon project being carried out by Ludwig.

Anna was still pensive in confusion, wondering inwardly whether this was all really real or just a dream, until Irene's voice left her startled and disperse her daydream. "God! What the hell did you do to her? You guys fighting or what? Why does she look like she's crying?" Irene nagged Xavier.

Anna answered him immediately, "No. I—“

"Anna had a bad dream." Cut Xavier straight out. "Although I don't know what a dream really is."

Anna shakes. "You're dead, Xavier." But even his words felt like the most unreal thing right now. Xavier was clearly in front of him holding Vierra who now looked calm. There was even Irene who saw it, so it wasn't her delusion. And that kiss was impossible just in his head.

Xavier was surprised by those words. For a moment he seemed at a loss for words. "Well, you deserve to cry like that."

"You should stop worrying your wife! He dreamed like that." Irene said to Xavier.

Anna tried to strengthen herself. He must be dreaming. He did not want to stay in his dream even though the dream was very beautiful. Because in real life, he has people waiting for him to wake up to get back to living his days. The people who will support her recover from the grief that is getting harder and harder to handle.

"No." Anna said, "It wasn't a dream. You're really dead. You and Leon go to the North. Eleanor is about to kill Leon. But I tried to stop him. Then you're in his way. And you're finally dead. You died protecting me. Because I'm..." His voice was getting weaker and his tears were back in his eyes.

"Give me Vierra. Quick. The dream was really terrible. Calm your wife and don't leave her. Cancel all morning meetings and itineraries to Westeria. Your wife is more important." Irene's orders to her son, as if she wasn't giving orders to a King.  Xavier obeyed his mother and gave Vierra to her. Irene immediately took Vierra away and left them both in the room.

After the door closed tightly, Xavier sat down beside her and clasped Anna's hands together. He slowly said, "Anna, baby... It was just a dream. Leon and I survived the Northern Territory, we stopped Eleanor and you never came there. We've talked about this many times every time you wake up from a nightmare."

Anna shook her head, "When Vierra was born, you didn't exist." His voice was so weak as a whisper.

Xavier looked at her sadly, his frown looking completely worried for her, "I exist. I was always by your side when you gave birth to our daughter. I kept holding your hand at that moment. I know your struggle when you gave birth to her. I know how hard that is. I know how it hurts. And after giving birth..." Xavier was silent for a moment. His eyes seemed to hold back tears as he looked at Anna. "After giving birth to Vierra, you had nightmares, were tired, daydreamed a lot, you lost your appetite, you slept continuously and when you woke up, you cried for no apparent reason. You often talk strange things. You ignore me more often and you often think I'm dead. The doctor said it is something that is sometimes experienced by some mothers who have just given birth, although cases like this do not happen much. You're in a deep depression after giving birth, and I'm really sorry I couldn't heal you. But we're gonna face this together. I won't stop trying for you. I'll keep supporting you until you're cured."

"No. That's..." Anna wants to deny it again. But now all of Xavier's words make sense. She was depressed after giving birth. And all he thought was the fact that Xavier was dead and he had to raise his daughter alone, it was just his negative thoughts. It was just a nightmare because of his depression. The proof is that Xavier is in front of him right now. And there was even Irene who could confirm that truth. "It was just a dream." Anna finally said.

"really. It was just a dream. I'm not dead. I'm alive, okay?" Xavier said as he stroked his head gently. Anna returned to shed her tears. But she was grateful that all of that turned out to be just part of her depression. He only had depression that would one day be able to heal and Xavier did not really die. Xavier hugged her, "I'm sorry I worried about you all this time until you had such a nightmare. And during pregnancy you went through a lot of trouble—the death of Alexis, the bombing of Schere and Montreux and a lot of other problems. I should have kept you away from Imperial matters. I can't take good care of you. My fault. Really, I'm sorry. I don't know how to cure you, but I'll work for you."

"You're..: real." Said Anna. This time it was not a question because he was already convinced that Xavier was indeed real. All along, it wasn't just Xavier's voice that he had heard in his head. All this time, it was indeed Xavier who spoke to him.

"Of course, baby."

"That's Xavier. L'm... I seem to need a break. Suddenly I felt very tired and wanted to sleep." Said Anna. At that moment, he felt very tired. Anna assured herself that it was indeed part of her depression.

"Shall we postpone the journey to Westeria?" Xavier asked while observing Anna, like figuring out what the symptoms had reappeared.

Anna nodded in agreement, "Maybe it's best."

"All right, get some rest. This time, dream of beautiful things. I'll take Vierra for a walk. When you wake up, I'll be by your side again." Xavier kissed his lips gently, "I love you." He said as he laid Anna on the bed slowly.

"I love you." Anna said, before her eyes completely closed and drowsiness overwhelmed her.

***