You are the Only One
32. Time

Goslings

Day three with no sleep. It feels like I'm losing my mind.

No, it doesn't feel like so. I know so.

I'm losing my fxcking mind.

Because today is also the third day I survive without the woman I love most and my son. Because this is the third day after Olavia sent me a message ending my life.

Olavia: I need to focus on this thing with Owen. So I think it's best for everyone if we hold our wedding on pause. I hope you understand.

Olavia: thank you so much

Olavia: and I'm terribly sorry

Olavia: please forgive me

Olavia: we love you

Olavia: in case you miss us too, do feel free to come by and say hi.

Olavia: I love you

The messages that I let not reply because I have to reply to the message how? How do I express what I feel now? Sometimes I just don't understand what's really going on inside of me.

Yeah, I'm angry. I was angry with myself who had been careless to take care of something myself when I should have talked about it with Olavia. Not only as my future wife, she is the biological mother of the child I will raise.

I was also angry that Olavia could make a decision about our marriage unilaterally. He didn't even discuss it twrlwbih first with me. He could have told me that he wanted to postpone our marriage with just a message!

Am I not worth that much to him? Do I not deserve this information directly? So don't you want her to meet me now that Owen's here?

Yeah, I'm disappointed. Why did Olavia never tell me Owen's ignorance about his son's whereabouts? Why does she still feel the need to keep this all from me, her future husband? If I had known about this for a long time, none of this would have happened. Don't you? Aye, right?

Yeah, I'm pissed. I was upset at myself (again) for blaming Olavia for the decision he made. Who am I, huh? Who do I think I am? Do I think I have the right to regulate what the woman should and should not do? Although I have become her husband later, I still have no right to intervene in the decision-making process on Oleander's affairs. Because Ole, first and foremost, is her biological son. He knows best what is best for his son.

Yeah, I'm sad because I feel I don't have the right to meet Ole anymore because of the presence of Owen, who incidentally is the real father of the boy I love the most. I feel like the relationship I've built with Ole is too fake compared to the connection they have. They share the same blood, the same DNA. They must have had something special.

Yeah, I feel desperate. Because how not? If they go through the day together and Ole builds a great closeness with his father, he will definitely forget me. He will definitely not remember me anymore.

And, I'm happy for Oleander because he finally got to meet a part of himself that never showed up. In the end he was able to meet and feel the presence of his biological father. In the end they have a relationship that is rightfully theirs from the beginning. After three years, they were finally able to complement each other.

God fucking. My tears will not stop flowing. Why am I being such a crybaby, anyway?

If anyone sees me in this state and announces it to the world, I will reject the truth desperately. No one should know that I am broken. No one can bear witness to the death of my hope.

I wish I could drink as much liquor as there is in the world, but I already know that it will all be free. After the telernya run out, I still have to deal with my heartbreak coupled with a severe hangover.

I can't get drunk anymore. I promised myself I would never complain to alcohol again.

At least I can keep my promise to myself now. Because there's nothing else I can do besides that. Because in my mind, there is nothing else I can do after the marriage that I have been waiting for is threatened to cancel after being in plain sight.

It's been three days that I've just laid myself on this couch. The sofa in the middle of the house that I made especially for Olavia. However, now, perhaps Olavia would never see him.

You guys must think I'm too pessimistic. If I'm too whiny, too cool. Too cowardly to ask questions and meet directly with Olavia. You must have thought that I actually had no intention of maintaining my relationship with Olavia.

You may be right, for some of the opinions above, but I can make sure that your last assumption is a big mistake.

I don't want to fight, to maintain our relationship, but I think Olavia now needs time to focus on this issue without any interference from me. Without any presence or interference from me. If I still show up near him, maybe he won't be able to focus on what he should be doing because he feels guilty about me.

I don't know. Either what I say is true or not exact at all, which is clear I just want to give him what he says he needs. Although I don't really want anything at all.

But what can I do? If Olavia wants time, as I promise, I'll give her what she wants.

Timing.

Timing.

Timing.

I don't know when, but I'll wait.

Timing.

Connect ....