ARTHUR
65

When I jump into the river, I intend to perish. I had no previous doubts about my ability to carry out my fatal goal. In this I was fooled. Suffocation will not come as I wish. My muscles and limbs rebelled against my will. There was a mechanical rejection of the loss of life, which I could not defeat. My struggle may have pushed me under the surface, but my lips spontaneously closed, and ejected a torrential stream from my lungs. When my breath ran out, the effort that kept me subconsciously sent, and I rose to the surface.

I condemn my own cruelty. Three times I fell to the bottom, and often got back up. My reluctance to live quickly waned, and I eventually agreed to use my skills in swimming, which were rarely exceeded, to extend my lifespan. I landed in a few minutes on the Jersey shore.

The scheme became frustrated, I was immersed in gloom and inactivity. I felt as if no dependence could be placed on my courage, as if any attempt I had to make for self-destruction would not come to fruition; but existence is as empty as pleasure and adornment. My means of life were destroyed. I don't see the road in front of me. To avoid the presence of mankind is my sovereign desire. Since I cannot die with my own hands, I must be content to crawl to the surface, until a superior fate must allow me to perish.

I wandered into the middle of the forest. I stretched myself on the mossy banks of the river, and stared at the stars until they disappeared. The next day was spent with a little variety. The hunger was felt, and the sensation was exhilarating, because it gave me a practical way to die. Refraining from food is easy, as some effort is required to get it, and this effort should not be made. Thus was the sweet abandonment which I was so breathless of. placed within my reach.

Three days of abstinence, and daydreaming, and solitude, succeeded. On the night of the fourth day, I sat on a rock, with my face buried in my hands. Someone put his hand on my shoulder. I started and looked up. I saw a face beaming with compassion and kindness. He tried to extort from me the cause of my loneliness and sadness. I ignored her plea, and stubbornly kept quiet.

Getting me invincible in this, he invited me to his cottage, which was difficult. I rejected him at first with impatience and anger, but he was not discouraged or intimidated. In order to avoid his persuasion, I am obliged to obey him. My strength was gone, and vital tissue was broken into pieces.Fever raged in my veins, and I was comforted by contemplating that my life was soon invaded by hunger and disease.

Meanwhile, my gloomy meditation did not experience a pause. I constantly reflect on my past life events. A long series of my crimes appear every day and are fresh in my imagination. Lodi's image is remembered, her ending appearance and the direction that each other gave out with respect to her sister and her property.

As I constantly twist these incidents, they take on new forms, and are associated with new associations. The volume written by his father, and transferred to me with tokens that are now remembered more emphatically than the nature of the composition that seems to justify , is also remembered. It came with a memory of the volume I filled, when I was young, with quotes from Roman and Greek poets. In addition to this literary purpose, I also used to keep in it banknotes with storage or a train that I happened to drop off This picture took me back to the leather box containing Lodi's belongings, Lodi said, it was placed in my hand at the same time as the volume.

These images now gave birth to a third conception, which shot at my dark understanding like a flash of electricity. Is it not possible that part of the Lodi property might be enclosed within the leaves of this book? In my haste to flip it over, I remembered to have noticed the leaves whose edges coincidentally or the design stuck together. Lodi, when talking about the sale of his father's West Indian property, mentioned that the amount earned for it was forty thousand dollars. Half of this number has been found by me. How has the rest been allocated? This volume contains that.

I am not without sharp regrets and excruciating fears. That this volume will be robbed by creditors or looters is possible. Every hour is what determines my fate. The first impulse was to find my place to live and find this precious deposit.

Meanwhile, my anxiety and impatience only worsened my illness. While chained to my bed, rumors of pestilence spread abroad. However, these events, in general, brought havoc, benefited me, and were greeted with satisfaction. This multiplies the chances that my home and its furniture will not be disturbed.

My friend was diligent and tireless in his kindness. My attitude, before and after the awakening of my hope, was incomprehensible, and argued no less than madness. My thoughts were carefully hidden from him, and everything he witnessed was contradictory and incomprehensible.

Finally, my strength was quite recovered. I refused all my protective demands to delay my departure until confirmation of my perfect health. I planned to enter the city at midnight, so that peeping eyes could be avoided; to take candles with me. and those means of illumination, to explore my path to my ancient studies, he said, and to ascertain my future claims to existence and happiness.

I crossed the river this morning. My impatience will not make me wait until night. Given the desolate city, I think I might dare to approach, without any danger being detected. The house, in all its streets, was closed. I stole to the backyard. A window cover proved unlocked. I went in, and found the cupboards and cabinets unlocked and emptied of all their contents. On this spectacle my heart sank. My books, no doubt, had my Blood Destiny in common throbbing painfully as I approached the study and opened the door.

My hope, which languished for a moment, was revived by looking at my shelves, equipped as before. I have lit my candle below, for I do not wish to arouse observation and suspicion by opening the window. My eyes eagerly searched for that place where I remember having left the volume. Place's empty. The object of all my hopes had escaped my grasp, and disappeared forever.

To describe my confusion, to repeat my execution to the madness that has ensued, during such a long time that it has been mine, this treasure is useless to me, and my curse upon the fatal disturbance that has taken away the reward, he said, it will only aggravate my disappointment and sadness. You find me in this state, and know what happens next ."