ARTHUR
87

To me, it seems at first glance as if every incident conspires to make my choice. Ignoring all things related to the happiness of others, my own interests cannot fail to recommend schemes where the valuable benefits of competence and independence can be honestly obtained. My fantasy journey sometimes takes me beyond the limits set by my situation, but they are, however, limited to the field I once had for a degree. All I wanted for the base of my most striking and most dazzling building was a hundred acres of plow land and pastures. Here is my spirit of improvement, my zeal to discover and apply new principles of luxury and household comfort, new fashions and instruments of tillage, new art related to gardens, gardens, gardens, and corn fields, given with abundant coverage. Although these shortcomings will not cripple my activities, or eliminate content, ownership will provide a wonderful and permanent enjoyment.

My mind once floated over images of wives and children with more joy than any other image. My imagination was always active on this theme, and the daydream was quite joyful and shining; but, since my relationship with this girl, my scattered views were gathered and concentrated. I now have the form and features before me; the sweet and melodious voice vibrates in my ears; my soul is filled, as it were, with its straightness and gestures, its actions and its appearance. All ideas, which have any relation to beauty or ***, seem to take this form. They kept an unshakable place in my mind, they spread indescribable satisfaction around them. Love is simply value as the beginning of a softer, intimate, and sacred union. Am I not in love? and do I not pant after the irrevocable boundaries, the infinite privileges, of marriage?

The question that others may ask, I ask myself: Am I not in love? I really lost my answer. There seemed to be an unbearable heavy burden in the reason why I should refuse to marry, and even refrain from cultivating love in my friend. I considered my youth, my poor education, and my limited outlook. I have moved from my cottage to the world. I have gained, even in my temporary sojourn among the busyness of men, more knowledge than the pleasure and work given in previous years. Therefore I can deduce childlike immaturity from my understanding, and the rapid progress I am still capable of making. Is this the age to form irrevocable contracts; to choose my future life companion, my fellow scheme of intellectual activity and virtue?

I have reason to denounce my own acquisition; but isn't Eliza's property still slimmer? Can I rely on the immortality of his sobriety and his obedience to my instructions? What qualities may not be revealed by time, and how little I am qualified to estimate the character of a person who has never undergone any change or difficulty before the death of his father,— whose ignorance is, indeed, great, he said, when it can be said fairly even to exceed mine!

Should I get along with the world, enrol in different classes of society, witness new scenes; could it be that the way I judge me has not undergone important variations? Could it be that I have not acquired knowledge of beings whose virtue is the gift of experience and the growth of knowledge? joining the decency and charm of women benefits education, maturity and age fortitude, and with my own character and feelings will be much more fun than was possible in extreme youth, rustic simplicity, and the mental imperfections of Eliza Hadwin ?

To be honest, I am now aware of the revolution in my mind. I can barely pinpoint the real cause. No sign of it showing up during my late retreat to Malverton . Subsequent incidents, perhaps, coupled with the influence of meditation, have produced new views. On my first visit to the city, I met with nothing but scenes of stupidity, depravity, and cunning. It is no wonder that the picture associated with the city is havoc-wreaking and bleak; but my second visit produced a somewhat different impression. Maravegli, Estwick, Medlicote, and you, are creatures that inspire respect and love. Your residence seems to beautify and sanctify this place, and gives birth to the opinion that, if cities are chosen as places of misery and ugliness, they are also the land of all praiseworthy and heavy mind production.

My curiosity and thirst for knowledge have also received a new direction. Books and the dead are cold, lifeless instructors. Men, and human works, are objects of rational study, and our own eyes can only communicate conceptions of human appearance. The influence of ethics, profession, and social institutions, can be known thoroughly only by direct examination.

Competence, fixed property and settled residence, rural work and conjugal pleasure, should be fairly appreciated; but its value can be known and its benefits enjoyed only by those who have tried all the scenes; which has been mixed with all classes and ranks; which has taken part of all conditions; and which has visited different hemispheres and climates and countries. The next five or eight years of my life should be devoted to activity and change; it should be a period of difficulty, danger, and privacy; it should be my training for fortitude and wisdom, and used to fit me for the quiet pleasure and steadfast exertion of the rest of my life.

In a short time his health recovered, and his sadness melted into a gentle melancholy. I choose the right moment, when I am not ashamed of the presence of others, to express my thoughts. My disclosure was clever and perfect. I put before him my whole set of thoughts, almost in order, though in different terms and more than that, where I have just explained them to you. I'm not hiding anything. The impression her artless beauty made on me in Malverton; my motive for alienating myself from her society; the nature of my current feelings in relation to her, and my belief in the state of her heart; the reasons I included; the advantages of marriage and its inconveniences; and, finally, the resolution I had formed to seek the city, and, perhaps, to cross the sea, were meticulously detailed.

He did not interrupt me, but changed his appearance, blushed, pounding, and sighed, suggesting he was deeply affected by my discourse. I paused for a few observations or comments. He seemed to be aware of my expectations, but did not have the strength to speak. Overpowered, in the end, by her emotions, she cried.

I am confused as to how to interpret these symptoms. I waited until his spirit had somewhat died down, and then said, "What do you think of my plan? Your approval is coming soon: do you agree to it or not?"

This question aroused a hint of resentment, and he replied, "You left nothing for me to say. Go, and be happy; no matter what happens to me. I wish I could take care of myself."

"Your happiness," I said, "is too precious for me to leave him in danger. In this house you will not need my protection, but I will never be so far away from you that I cannot hear from you, by letter, and be active for your good. You have a certain amount of money, which you should husband well. Any rent from your farm cannot be expected immediately; but what do you get, if you remain with Mr. Trump. Curling, will pay your board and all other expenses for two years; but you have to be a good economist. I would expect, "continue me, with a serious smile, "timely accountability of all your words and deeds. I've got to know how every minute is used and every penny is spent, and, if I find you wrong, I've got to tell you well."

These words did not dispel the jealousy betrayed by his appearance. He was still reluctant to look at me, and said, "I don't know how I should tell you every single thing . You care so little about me that I will only be troublesome. I am old enough to think and act for myself, and will counsel with anyone but myself."