Dejavu
Tianing Soul Fret

A week later was the schedule for Tianing to return home to Solo. I don't know why this time the universe is back in support. Fahri could not go home because there were college assignments to be completed.

"Sir..can't you ask for something ?" call Harya when Tianing reports he's coming home.

"What brother ?"

"Son't ask before Adek comes home, we meet first. Brother needs Adek"

"Okay..Where do you want to see Brother ?"

"Adek book a hotel around the station huh. Later sister there"

"All right"

Tianing agreed to that because since the loss of Gabriel, they had not met. Tianing had not delivered his condolences directly to Harya, and did not know Harya's current condition either.

Tianing waited at the hotel, and when Harya came, Harya immediately hugged Tianing tightly. He cried in Tianing's lap, spilling all the pain of his heart for losing Gabriel. Tianing had never seen Harya this weak before. As long as he knew her, Harya was serious, strong, patient but very humorous if he knew well. People who do not know him well, will be reluctant to approach him, because when silent tends to seem like a serious person, fierce and difficult to approach. But Harya's heart is indeed full of love, so she turns to be this weak when she has to lose someone she loves.

Tianing let Harya vent all her emotions until she was satisfied while continuing to caress Harya's hair and back.

As the emotions subside, Harya begins to recount the chronology of Gabriel's birth and also tells about Gabriel's funeral.

"Mbak Arin himself how is his condition sis ? Tika's ? Mommy ?" ask Tianing

"Okay, it's healthy. Everything is fine now"

"Thank God"

"I'm the one who's not okay Deck....I was devastated. I feel guilty, why don't I take him to a bigger hospital. But I also regretted Tika's mother. He said that he had not felt Gabriel's movements from the afternoon, but he did not tell me Deck" back tears came from Harya's eyes.

"I'm sorry Dek. For a week I could not cry at home. I don't want everything to be even sadder" Harya said as she hugged Tianing.

"It's okay, brother.it's okay." Tianing said calmly.

Two hours later, as Harya had calmed down, they left the hotel and returned to Uti-Kakung's house to meet the King, and picked him up to return to Tianing's house.

At home.when the King took a nap and Mbah Kakung was busy with his own affairs, Tianing pondered alone. His soul was really agitated, thinking about what had happened in his life. There is an inner war

"I've gone too far. I've been overdue. I'm guilty of it..."

"You think Harya didn't have any more children ?Because you hope to live your life together soon with Harya. And you feel like if she has another child, it's gonna make things harder"

"Indeed I've thought that way because we both agreed not to hurt anyone, let alone children who are young. But I feel really sad now. I feel like I lost Gabriel too"

"It's your fault. You're the one who made Arin stressed and hurt until the baby died"

"But this big brother said it had nothing to do with me. This brother said because of the carelessness mb Arin. All this time as a fellow girl, I've always defended her if you confided and blamed her"

"If I can choose, I don't want to experience something like this either. I didn't intend to hurt him. It's not my wish if suddenly this love comes to us"

" but you know, it's still wrong !Whatever the reason you're still wrong !"

"I know that...... But it's not that easy I just took off. I tried many times. But always fail. I'm really scared.I feel like I could go crazy and get into RSJ if there's no big brother guarding my life"

"You're selfish ! You have no heart !"

"If I didn't have a heart, I'd let my brother divorce him back then. I was the one who gave up on him, because I still had a heart. I won't take that long from her, even if I'm willing and reckless, you will too. But I can't bear it...."

"Are you sure you don't just want to have fun with Harya ?"

"If you just want to have fun, why not a penny of money I ever ask brother ? Even though brother always said, if I want what to just tell him. But I always told him that the money he had right to Tika, not my right to ask for the money. I never asked to buy anything !"

"If so, end your relationship with Harya. That's the only right way !"

"If I could. I would love to. but I feel like I'm alone in this world.I'm afraid..."

"Are you sure you're really happy with Harya ? Then why is it that every time you are alone, you always cry ?"

"Before I knew my sister, I always cried and lamented everything that happened in my life. The impact knows for itself, right ? I am always filled with resentment, self-blame, I am always angry, I am always emotional, I am very unstable, I who have a personal is not good and eventually I shunned many people. I don't like anyone close to me.... But since there was a big brother in my life, everything changed.I became a better person, my soul also felt much better. When I was with him, I felt like all my problems were gone. But on the other hand, when I was alone, I felt sad.sad considering that me and my brother, was a big mistake. Realizing that brother is one of my life's biggest problems as well".

"Sister is my happiness, and my greatest pain. That is what I feel".

Tianing repeatedly experienced this kind of unease. And all he can do is sit on the table, cry and pray given strength to go through all the trials of his life and instructions to take the right attitude, choose the right path.

But every time he tries to get back on the right track, he hopes Fahri is nice to him and can support the fragility of his soul, but the disappointment he always gets. Fahri's attitude all the more he broke, his heart seemed to die and in the end only returned to Harya, which made him able to return to life and escape from depression.

Tianing was aware, he was mentally stressed, depressed, had two personalities but no one could help him. The only person she pours out her life problems with is Harya, but on one hand Harya is one of her biggest life problems.

Many times he thought to try to ask a psychologist for help, but he who overthinking already feel fear and shame, fear later his psychologist at the end just blame him who cheated and judge him various kinds. Shame if the psychologist will make it a story material and a bad example for others. He didn't have the courage for that.

He once thought of asking a hypnotist to hypnotize him and Harya so they could forget each other. But he realized that the person would not be able to do that silly idea.

Worse still, Tianing once thought of asking "smart people" for help to separate them and forget each other, but he was afraid of himself if it would be made into memory loss. He is also afraid of shirk, and he has never been in contact with "smart people" either.

Many times also thought to ask for a divorce from Fahri for then he asked Harya also to divorce so that they can unite in marriage. But he also realized, it would not be as easy as his shadow. He knows many divorce cases filed by PNS, it took years of the process. Tianing was also very aware that Fahri would not be able to divorce her, because several times when they had a fight, Tianing desperately asked for a divorce, any anger Fahri never wanted to respond to Tianing's request that one.

At a time like this, Tianing was determined that from today on he would not be in contact with Harya anymore.

Tianing finally fell asleep on his tongue.

Hope that everything that happens is just a dream..