Fazila Tipan From Heaven
Stay (Fazila)

The past is like a shadow that cannot be far from the quiet life we are trying to build with all hope and kindness. The past exists so that we can reflect and not repeat it again in the future. Life is a beautiful journey, but it will feel sad if we live it wrong.

Just like me, I've been living a life of mistakes for the past thirteen years, a love that I consider to be miraculous is like a sand castle that has no power, as soon as the palace collapsed all that was left behind was boundless anguish-shaped debris.

I sat on my big chair, holding my head with my right hand. This anger shouldn't have filled my chest cavity. For some reason, every time I saw Seren I felt like I wanted to punish him with a punishment he never imagined before.

Remembering Seren once made me so happy always stopped my footsteps from raising my hand on her pretty face.

Arakkkkkk!!!

The loud enough cushion that came from my office door made Araf who was fast asleep look surprised, somehow he did not nap until he did not move from the sofa.

"Have you forgotten my words? How dare you show up in front of me after I warned you to stay away from me!"

"Alane. What's wrong with you? Is it so easy for you to forget me? I've never felt this despicable before, for the sake of my love for you I'm even willing to throw away my pride."

Hearing Seren's words made me inflamed. Before I had never insulted anyone, the anger that I was feeling was overflowing like hot lava that would destroy anyone around me. With anger still rising I grabbed Seren's arm and dragged him to the meeting room, the meeting room I left behind for the last five minutes.

"Close your mouth! I said shut the fuck up!" I said with a trembling voice. I looked at Seren's pretty face with a dagger-sharp look. My teeth were grinding, and my chest really felt increasingly claustrophobic.

"You're talking about self-worth? What self-esteem do you mean? When you slept with that jerk where did you throw away your pride? Self-esteem, bullshit!" I said in a high tone of voice, I deliberately dragged Seren towards the meeting room so that Araf's sleep was not disturbed by our debate.

"Here I wait like a mad man, when do you come back? Where are you? Are you all right? What's your sleep, nyeyak? Is there nothing in the place where you work that bothers you? Are you comfortable? Are you happy? Do you eat regularly? What have you been doing all day? All those questions filled my chest cavity! I can't even sleep well because I miss you so much! I don't know, loving you is just a waste of my time.

Know it? Seeing you spend the night with another man pisses me off is amazing! I feel guilty for loving a wild woman like you! Don't ever talk about self-esteem in front of me, because to me a woman like you has no self-esteem anymore.

One more thing, never talk about love in front of me. Every time I hear that from your mouth I feel like I'm gonna puke!" I said as I looked at Seren's face with a sharp look. I never thought, Alan who was once filled with a meek attitude now turned into a grumpy figure.

Hiks.Hiks.Hiks.

Seren's crying voice filled my sense of hearing, unfortunately it didn't make me melt.

"Why don't you ever say anything in front of me? You know everything, but you choose to keep quiet.

Yep... You're right, I don't have any self-esteem anymore so I follow you like a mad woman. We're engaged, but even if you never hugged me, kiss me. I just want to spend a beautiful night with my fiancee, that's not even you can?

Is it my fault if I spend the night with another man? So please, don't blame me! It's just the past! Can't you act like everything never happened? Let's just forget everything and start over, huh?" Seren's tears flowed profusely soaking his smooth cheeks. Instead of feeling guilty, the woman in front of me asked me to forget everything.

If time could be turned back, I wouldn't even want to know Seren. Meeting him only brought pain. Because of him, I turned into a man. My poor daughter, what will happen to her? Having a father like me was bad luck for him. I muttered to myself while shedding tears.

"Forgetting everything? That's not possible! Start everything from the beginning? That's even more impossible! Don't expect anything from me!

You're just an ex-fiance, so act like an ex. Don't incite me to hurt you, because I don't know until when I have the patience to deal with your silliness.

You're asking if it's your fault that you spend the night with a jerk just because I never touched you?

Yaah... It's your fault!" I screamed in front of Seren's face. All my body was shaking, the anger that had been suppressed I was finally able to let out. Seren was still standing pecking with tears that continued to linger.

"It's your fault that you can't keep your honor as a woman.

As bad as I am, I will never ruin the woman I love for any reason.

Didn't I ask you to get married too often? What answers? You remember all the answers you always gave me?" I crammed Seren with my short question. There was no answer from him other than his pill cry.

"Don't you always say, baby we're getting married next year! Baby we're too young! Honey, can you wait for me until my work is done! Baby I'm like this, baby I am! Didn't you always tell me that?

Never expect anything from me! Stay away from me, and never show up in front of me again." I said with anger still rising. I left Seren without looking back. Really, for the first time I hate someone and this hatred won't be easy to lose at any moment.

...***...

"Ommy... Fazila misses Grandma Nyai and Grandpa Kiai! Tomorrow Fazila will perform, Fazila wants Grandma Nyai and Grandpa Kiai here to see Fazila directly." Said my sweet Princess while looking at the reflection of her face in the mirror.

"Darling... His grandmother and Grandpa Kiai were busy! If Grandma Nyai and Grandpa Kiai accompany us here, what about her Pesantren? Do you want Grandpa Kiai's boarding school to be quiet because no one taught your friends there?" I asked while combing the hair of my beautiful daughter.

There was no answer from my sweet daughter, only a head-butt.

"No! Fazila doesn't like Grandpa Kiai's lonely boarding school."

"Well... That's princess Ummi knows! If Grandpa Kiai and Grandma Nyai have free time, they will definitely accompany you. The two of them will come and witness your extraordinary performance from the Studio." I tried to calm my beautiful daughter.

Fatimah... What the hell are you doing? May your daughter not cry. I said softly while breathing rough.

"Because tonight you're free! I mean Ummi, because tonight you are not paying for memorization or murajaah with the new Kiai who became your guide, tonight you can stay at Kekek Buyut and Grandma Buyutmu's house!

Be nice to them! Although Ummi is not watching you, there are more people who know who will be watching you! Do you know who Ummi meant?" I asked while stopping the activity of combing my sweet daughter's hair.

"Yes... Fazila knows! A loving, merciful God who will watch over Fazila!"

"Prior Ummi is right! Ummi put your clothes and mushap in the bag. Put your veil on, and then we'll come out. Grandpa Buyut is waiting for you in front of the Dormitory!"

"Ummi, can't Ummi come? Fazila can't be far from Ummi! Fazila could not sleep if he did not hear Ummi's voice. Fazila also could not eat if not fed Ummi. Fazila doesn't want to go to Grandpa Buyut's house, Fazila's here with Ummi." My sweet daughter whined while hugging me tightly, her always cheerful face showing off sadness. A split second later the rarely dripping tears drenched her beautiful face.

"Do you love Ummi?"

My sweet daughter nodded in silence.

"You know, right? Ummi never broke a promise to anyone?"

Again my sweet daughter nodded silently, this time she looked at my face while shedding tears. Her pretty face looks flushed like a ripe tomato, meaning she really feels sadness, deep sadness. A time like this I can't let my sweet daughter go anywhere, because for her the embrace of Ummya is more precious than anything.

"Ummi can hold you all day, even all night. The question is, what will your Grandpa Buyut say about Ummi? He must have thought Ummi was a big liar!

All right, you stay here! Ummi will come out and tell her that you don't want to go with her! How's it?"

"Fazila will go with Grandpa Buyut. Fazila didn't like it if anyone dared to insult Ummi, let alone say Ummi was a liar, Fazila couldn't live with that anger!" Said my beautiful Princess while reaching for the bag containing her clothes and mushap.

Ten minutes later I was already in front of the gate of the Dormitory, my sweet daughter was already sitting in the car, precisely next to the middle-aged man I knew as Grandpa Buyut my sweet daughter. Nothing came out of a man's lips except to thank him.

After saying goodbye, the car carrying my sweet daughter drove quickly away from my dormitory for the past three weeks. It's so hard away from my dear daughter, what can I do when that old man comes with his wife asking for permission to have Fazila stay at their house?

I know they are strangers to me. Still, I couldn't be arrogant, let alone yell at and chase them away. I'm not that cruel!

Even if I miss my sweet daughter and can't sleep in her absence, I'll hold her back. I will never destroy the hopes and happiness of others as badly as the attitude of that person to me, for God is sufficient to help me.

Lahaula walakuata Illabillah.

There is no power or effort except by the power of God.

...***...