Grabbing Asa
The Presence of Father

The thirst that strikes makes me have to wake up at night. But I'm afraid to walk into the kitchen, I don't know how I feel right now. Faris was staying at her friend's house to make me alone in the house. The growing thirst forced me to walk into the kitchen. The sound of footsteps made me even more afraid.

“Faris” call me

But everything seemed quiet, no one answered my call. I ran to find a place to hide.

“Ayah” says I'm shocked

The man looked, but he ignored my call. He looked at every corner of the house making me uncomfortable.

“what are you here for?” much

“how could you possibly enter? Have I locked the door?” say again

“door yet you lock, proof Dad can enter” he said

I'm sorry, for the first time he mentioned himself ‘ayah’ after so many years I never heard it again.

“Fah” he held my shoulder, making me dumbfounded

My eyes blur because my tears have accumulated in the eye pelukan. I went back into the room. Why don't I feel happy that he's coming?

“Fah” he knocked on the door of the room

“Go, let us live happily without your presence”

“Maaf” is just that word he said.

Soon the steps sounded away. I cried sobbing. His presence presents a wound that has dried up.

“Daddy”.

I want to feel like I'm hugging you, but after what you've done I hate you even more. Longing always comes even though the pain and hate for you is limitless. I cry when I remember you. There are so many words I want to tell you

“what should I do, Mom?”

“what should I do?”

“why is Dad back, Mom?”

I kept on rummaging, occasionally I hit my chest that felt tight. Is this something that feels like longing? I closed my eyes and held my family photo until morning.

Finally dawn came to say hello, I hurried to pray and groaned in prayer. I remember the events of last night, the universe had let us be together for a short period of time, I let long to meet in prayerful contemplation, to look after each other in a special greeting. The seconds of tireless welcome are endless, yet still sitting on the brink of negligence.

The wall clock in my house shows at 05:30 wib. Deftly I made the cake forget the presence of Father.

“Assalamu’alaikum” said the new Faris

“waalaikumussalam, Ris, here help Mbak pack-wrap cake!” my orders

“Huuft new also nyampe” grunts that I still hear

“Here, Daddy help” Daddy take over the cookies Faris holds

We fell silent, looking at the father with a hard-to-art look, Faris nudged my elbow and his eyes pointed towards father. I just put my shoulder around, not caring about this strange situation. I walked away from them, I could hear my father calling me, but I didn't care about the sound. My heart still feels pain, a pain that I cannot heal from the wounds of the past.

Undeniably getting the attention of the father is the longing of every child, a happy tinge enters this heart. There was a strange feeling when dad paid attention to me, beautiful wishful thinking filled the cavity of delusion. O heart.. Can you forget the past?

I was silent in the garden, the garden full of memories with my family. The park is a silent witness to our togetherness. Unknowingly, these lips put on a smile reminiscing about the man I called the father.

“Mbak” call Faris

I was silent, my eyes still staring straight ahead. Ignoring Faris who was present by my side.

“Faris knows, Ma'am here, Mbak is always here if Mbak's feelings are being glued,” he said

“Yes, until I get tired of seeing you, you again, you again appear,”

He laughed and said “Mbak, expect who,?” ask her

“white riding prince?” said meredek

“Ck, come on, Ma'am wants to go home, order more and more” I'm leaving Faris who is still laughing

I hurried to get home to pursue the order, my steps halted as the familiar male figure stood at the door and turned to me with a smile, the smile I miss but also hate

“Mbak,” says slowly

“excuse me, I want to enter,” I said flat

“What should you do, so you can forgive Dad?” speechwriter

I just kept silent with all the feelings that gnawed at my heart. I hate it but I miss it, I want it to feel like I embrace it channeling the longing that I've been craving.

“forgive Dad, forgive Daddy” Daddy hugged me tightly,

“Mbak, don't miss Daddy?” speechwriter

I was silent, letting my father hold me. But it didn't last long, the dark memories of dad twisting in memory, like a cassette tape that keeps on spinning. I let go of the hug and went into the house letting my father be quiet in front of the house.

“I miss Dad, Miss this is always there Daddy, but that does not mean that the tangled thread can be broken back, it does not mean that the time that has passed can return” I cry behind the door

Why is it so hard to apologize to Dad? Doubt broke my heart, I stepped foot to wash my face with ablution. Spread out the prayer rug and choose to meet the forgiver

I heard my father and a woman who I believe my father's wife fought in front of the house. The woman seems to mind if you're always here.

I cleared my throat from the inside, making them stop arguing. I heard the sound of steps away, maybe they felt bad until they finally decided to go home.

Ah, I'm back in a dilemma, should I forgive Dad?