HOPEFUL
8.There Is a Desire to Die
Sometimes when the test comes a lot it makes me weak helpless and do not know what to do.Crying becomes the best way to vent all the anger and boredom.Emotion so up and down the innate want to be angry but not exposed.
It's always what's in the mind "Why I don't just die instead of bothering others".
Until I thought why so many people want to kill themselves is because of the endless pressures of life.
Want to feel on this path but there is a fear not to hurt yourself.Even it feels unbearable.
If you can disappear, this is probably the most powerful way to escape from reality and do not need to come back again.
Sometimes does God not listen to the cry of the human heart or allow it...?
The darkness of the life lived there was not even a speck of bright light shining on it.
When will his help come or may not come to humans who are in distress.Such as there is no term rescue angel.
I don't have a job and always try but it's as if there's a big wall blocking me from getting a job as if what I want is hard for me to achieve.
The oath of frustration is there is no way out.
Seeing the real family problems can be finished but because of the human being itself,like the Ari does not understand him if at home there is no sustenance there is a course of behavior that he makes people look at him.Udah bang Zul also did not think to nyari job in order to help mama.Should he be the first child is more responsible by working hard.In fact I used to work one day home a night already like I was his son at home because now I'm no longer a problem all work using contracts, no fees or not at work is always uncomfortable (toxic).This bang Zul even utilizes the energy of people alone, losing him feeling to expend his energy.
How not to stress at home to face the man.Out also work there are those who do not like, who are not happy and who envy.
So it feels like the world that is lived there is no beautiful.Hahahaha
Sometimes we who are always by God's side are not necessarily the path we go through will be given a smooth life according to what we want there is always a trial of every effortbranches are not just one lane.
It is as if the world wants to destroy.
The situation is not getting better it just further aggravates the atmosphere.
Poverty continues to plague my family.Nobody knows and no reinforcements.While I want to change it because sustenance never comes.But find no way out.As we stay in place.
Others have been through a lot to success, but we do not move at all......
Not fair but want how else besides trying to give up can not, life goes on.
Even the desired death does not come.Angel took away life as if delaying.
Though there are still many sins, but it feels the same as death.
Sometimes I think of people who do not remember God who are always chasing after evil and looking for sustenance that is not lawful but why they always get a smooth sustenance and a smooth life.
But it is the sustenance of people must be different.Tah why it seems very difficult for us to get sustenance.Even for self sustenance is also difficult.Effort has been, and,the action is also already.Maybe just a test from the above only so we have to be patient time yes...!
Seeing toxic neighbors, toxic friends, toxic workplaces and families are also toxic, it makes me less and less find the direction of goodness as I expected
the good guys.
Even when stressed at home I always hope to die as soon as possible rather than being a useless creature and always hope the apocalypse will come soon hahahaha.....
Or a major disaster that could make me lose my life.Only that was my hope when at home with so many problems that hit me also my family.
Want to die alone feels difficult, when what I hope is death but death is reluctant to pick me up somehow....?
Pas azan sometimes intentionally this is a quick death napa? It means let in the same pilgrimage as an angel.It was like not listened to by an angel.
My life is like a saying
"Life is reluctant, death is unwilling".
My hope is only when I die if I will reincarnate again do not get given the same life like this can at least be happier and not face a difficult life.
Can we choose what kind of life we want ?
But at least don't repeat something like that.
My calamity was many times to sometimes wonder why the ordeal I always face is not too late until I think I want to kill myself but I always can not do it and think the sin is also heavy to bear.
Moreover, God hates such things the most, but there is no other way but that choice.
If you think about it, you have almost died why not surrender the same situation.Just trying to save yourself.
I used to be in SD, though,swimming time with classmates because there is a school assignment for the value of sports.Squarter I drowned but that's God is still dear to me.There is a male friend who pulled my hand over the surface near the edge of the pool and finally I saved him too.
In the heart of my salvation at that time, when if not supervised it would have ended like that would not have been until the mature gini bitter nahannin pain.
Indeed, when a child no thought to die.When adults just want to end life.
The second incident when returning home from work when the fasting month is approaching a holiday,usually it is indeed hot if it is approaching the cool days there is an accident.So I had a motorcycle collision to make my face and body destroyed full of wounds,there was also my chest slammed into the asphalt my breath was already crowded at that time.I thought why it was not taken all my life same god if he was really dear.So no need to nahan double pain again.
Semenyerah that's what it feels like....!
There is no spirit of life.
But anyway because it is still loved life would not want to be lived, hope one day there is a change.Body must be filled with intake in order to remain strong face reality.
I could only keep trying again and again endlessly....
Don't know when.
The most important thing is to change the path of life for the better and not to lose the bitterness of life.
May I be given a chance and may my hope be achieved even if it is granted only once.