Hot Couple: Inspiration From God (I Love You, Ustadz!)
Light

Close your eyes, then look into the darkness.

My mom advised me that I couldn't sleep as a kid, and I want to do it now. I stared into the endless darkness that extended far beyond my closed eyelids. Even though I lay motionless downstairs, I felt like I was perched on the highest peak I could possibly reach: trailing the stars in the night sky with both legs hanging over the cold black void. Again I saw my finger grasping the light, and took it off. So plunge me, fall, then float, then fall back, waiting for the grand landing.

Now I know that behind the thin curtain of closed eyes, there is color. The color was teasing me, challenging me to open my eyes. Red and amber, yellow and white flashes stained my darkness. I refused to open my eyes. I muttered and I closed my eyelids closer together to ward off the grains of light, mere distractions that kept me awake but at the same time a sign that there was life after.

But there is no life inside me. Not from what I could feel, from where I was lying, on the edge of the paved road. My heart was pounding even faster now, the only fighter left in the ring, who was defeated yet unwilling to give up. It's the only part of me that cares, the only part that ever cares. He struggled to pump blood to all directions to heal, to replace what was lost to me. If not, I don't mind.

Because right here in my womb, she's gone. He's deciduous. That's what I think. I want to accompany him there. There...where? Anywhere. Wherever he is now. He, male or female, is so young, what he will be and who he will be, still a question. But there, I'll be her mother.

There, not here.

I'd say: I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry I ruined your chance, my loser - our chance to live together. But close your eyes and look at the darkness now, as I do, and we will find a way to stay together.

But...

"Assalamu'alaikum, Zahra. Can you hear me, honey? Can, right? Please hold on, Zahra. I'm right here. Your inspiration is here."

I don't want to stay, and I want to tell him that. I heard myself wonder*, *animal-like moans that surprised me, scared me. I have a plan, as I wanted to tell him. I want to go, only then can I be with my baby.

That time, not now.

"You know," he said, he sobbed louder. "I have asked Him not to take my Zahra. Now I beg you also, do not leave me, Zahra. I don't want to lose you. You know I've been through this pain. You know I don't want this to happen again. You feel sorry for me, right? So hang. I beg. I beg you, Zahra. I want to be here with you. Even if I have to, I will continue to beg. Like before, you like me chasing you, right? Even now I'm not just after you, I'm trying to get to you, Zahra. Don't leave me. Or like after we get married, you'll always listen to my orders. Now I want to rule you too. Wakes up. Wake up. Please wake up, Zahra. I know you're a tough woman, you're strong. You're not gonna leave me, are you? This inspiration comes to you, please do not leave. Don't. don't ever. Please come back to me, Zahra. Wake up.. wake up, Zahra. Wake up. I beg...."

My tears are spilling.

Maybe it's not time to go yet.

Your father needs me more, honey. I really love you, I want to be with you. But he. He's my inspiration. He's the light that once came to light my life. She needs me, and wants me to stay.

I felt the rough skin of Mas Ilham's hand reverberate my hand, and his warmth and familiarity forced me to open my eyes. Light filled my eyes, and I saw a glimpse of my husband's face, a face covered in grief and runaway with its eyes closed. Clear circles flowed from there. I know I've lost my baby-not only me, but her too. And I can't let him lose me either. In making my decision, I started to grieve. I've landed now, to the bottom of my life. And my heart still keeps pumping.

Even if it breaks into pieces, my heart still works.

I have a promise to keep, a promise to stay strong. It's not for my son, but this promise is for my husband. Inspiration comes to me, and I will never leave it.

It's not time for me to leave. Haven't.

I still have to be here. Be with him....