Because I Don't Want to Lose
23 - Fighting

Undeniable disappointment grew in Anaya's heart. Wants him to be angry. But the memory of his contract with Izzar stirred up his own riots and sense of misery. His logic tells him to abide by the articles in his agreement that affirm his relationship with Izzar should be professional does not involve feelings. His conscience demands more.

On the way home that afternoon, Anaya blames herself for why she accepted Izzar's offer to befriend him. Now, when he was already comfortable with Izzar, he could not avoid jealousy when he was with another woman. Especially with her ex-fiance.

Randi said it was natural that she was angry that her ex-husband was looking for more attention. But, it can be done if he is the real wife of Izzar. Izzar's status as wife was only on paper. However, Anaya admitted, later he felt Izzar had become a part that completes his life. Either Izzar considers Anaya what.

Arriving home, Anaya finds Izzar and Naira chatting in her room. Izzar teaches Naira to draw using the paint application on a laptop.

“Mama! Look what I drew!” naira exclaimed while showing the results of her scribbles on the screen.

Anaya's worried mind, lazy to guess what picture Naira made.

“What picture? Mama does not understand.” Anaya won't take a headache. He sat on the sofa watching Naira busy with his mouse while staring at the laptop screen, next to Izzar.

“Ah, this Mama! How can you guess my spectacular painting?... This is Amy Rose, her friend Sonic The Hedgehog!” Naira shook her head, as if regretting her mother who did not recognize the character of the film she often watched.

Izzar laughs wiping Naira's black hair. He turned to Anaya, hoping to see Anaya's laughter as well. But, from a single glance, he was able to catch the worry on Anaya's face.

“Why you? Very nice apparently,” asked Izzar.

Anaya turned her gaze towards Izzar. If yesterday he melted directly with his sensitivity, now Anaya even resentful. I don't know why he became prejudiced Izzar did not sincerely care about it. For him, if Izzar did consider himself, he would not hide his encounter with Sasika.

“Ngga anything!” sangkal Anay.

Izzar couldn't believe it. He wanted to ask again, but Anaya went out, cleaned up, changed clothes and then pulled over alone watching television. Even though his heart and mind wandered elsewhere.

When Naira approached, sat down next to her and told her about her school activities that day, Anaya was able to focus her attention. That adorable child was indeed the epitome of his anxiety.

“Mama,” Naira whisper.

“Ya?” Anaya whispered back.

Naira glanced at Izzar who was making tea in the kitchen, before saying quietly, “Mama again have a thought, huh?”

Anaya was always stunned by the intelligence of her son.

“Kok know?” Anaya hugged Naira.

“This!” Naira pointed at the forehead between Anaya's thick eyebrows. “Wrinkled like skin oma.”

‘Hush!” anaya Tegur.

Naira laughs. “Eatya, Mama don't mind much, later so old fast!”

“Who has a lot of thoughts?” timpal Izzar sat down next to Naira and offered Anaya a cup of tea.

“Thank you.” Anaya. He could not refuse chamomile tea that Izzar always made especially for him every time he came home from work.

“Mama tuh!”

“Sok knows you, little boy.” Anaya.

“Ih! I'm not a kid! I'm six years old! Already want to enter SD!” Naira.

Anaya held back her smile. However, he tries hard not to exchange glances with Izzar who also smiles in response to Naira's rebuttal.

The three of them continued by watching Naira's favorite cartoon, until the boy was sleepy and fell asleep in Anaya's lap. Izzar helps her carry Naira to her room. Anaya followed behind him. After enveloping Naira, Anaya was about to lie down at first, but, not so aware Izzar was still standing at the door looking at her.

“What the hell?” Anaya felt uncomfortable in such a view.

“What problem do you have? And why not tell?”

Anaya complained. Izzar understands himself too much and is always persistent in finding out what is in his heart.

“Ngga nothing,” Anaya.

Izzar didn't move. He remains unsatisfied.

“OK! I was really thinking something. Randi suddenly got married. You know?”

“Ya, Randi said this morning.”

“So that's the problem you think?”

Anaya nodded. Although his heart was screaming, “Not! You're the problem I was thinking of!”

“Arevin' it was just that? Nothing else?” tanya Izzar is still trying to make sure.

“Ngga there, Izzar! It's sleeping there! I'm sleepy!” Anaya begins to get upset and expels Izzar.

“OK!” Izzar smile. “Good sleep!”

Soft closed door.

Anaya lay with her eyes hard closed. He was confused by Izzar's usual attitude. The man was attentive and cared about him. But, why did he lie about his meeting with Sasika. What reason?

Despite wanting to be angry to express her disappointment, Anaya could not find a way. His logic again reminds him that he has no right to arrange Izar meet with whom.

In the days that followed, Anaya tried to also be ordinary to Izzar. But it was hard for him. Sasika's shadow always looms. He suspects all of Izzar's movements. Every time Izzar saw a phone call or message in his postel, he immediately guessed from Sasika.

Unwittingly, Anaya becomes obsessed with Sasika. Using Sandra's account, she stalked all of Sasika's social media accounts. On Izzar's birthday, Anaya found an aesthetic photo post with a piece of strawberry cheesecake, captioned : happy birthday to you.

Anaya's chest burned to the ground reading it.

On Sunday morning, after Naira and Mba Kemi as usual picked up by Ridwan, Izzar said goodbye to meet with clients, which he thought could only be found during holidays.

Anaya was surprised, usually Izzar invited him to participate anywhere, if he was alone at home. When he realized Izzar's appearance was neater than usual, Anaya became suspicious and could not stand the lag.

“You see client, or former?” Anaya quipped in a sharp tone.

Izzar stopped his steps and turned around. “What?”

“I asked, would you like to meet a client or ex?” reset Anaya.

Izzar put his laptop backpack on the table and sat down across from Anaya. He is shocked by Anaya's insinuation. Did he know he had met Sasha? Anaya has been joking lately.

“Why did you ask that?”

“I'm just stuck. You see, the other day you said you met a client at a coffee shop, when in fact you made an agreement with your ex, right?” anaya. His round eyes stared at Izzar unblinking. There is anger that is flowing.

Izzar cursed himself inwardly. Correct guess. Anaya finally found out about the meeting. Now he regrets it twice.

“Where did you know?” ask Izzar.

“I saw myself.”

Izzar. Then Anaya had known about it for a long time, and she remained silent. Izzar felt more guilty.

“OK! I'm sorry. I had to meet Sasika at that time. Because he kept chasing me until he came to the office. You can ask Maharani,” said Izzar.

“But, why did you lie to me by saying you've met a client?” Anaya was not satisfied.

“Honestly I don't know why I did that. Maybe the same reason when you secretly met with Tristan,” replied Izzar.

Anaya offended Izzar to mention Tristan again.

“I just didn't say when I met Tristan, not a lie! Anyway, I want to see who, none of your business!” Anaya's voice was rising.

Izzar wanted to laugh at Anaya's last words.

“Then, why are you now fussing over my meeting with Sasika? It's none of your business, either?” Izzar turned back Anaya's words.

Anaya's smooth face flushed. He felt slapped by the words of Izzar. Though his logic has often reminded that he has no right to use his feelings and obey the contract agreement. He realized, cheating conscience was never as easy as he thought.

Ashamed of Anaya, he left Izzar.

“Anaya!” exciting Izzar.

Anaya did not answer. Withholding her tears, she entered the room and locked the door.

...***...