I Finally Surrender.
Officially divorced.

This morning the Surya showed his light so bright without shame, but not as bright as my mood.

Today with a gamang step I forced my feet to step into the religious court, to attend the verdict hearing on the divorce lawsuit presented by my husband three months ago.

Our divorce process was a little slow, not because I incriminated the husband, but because the plaintiff from the husband was the cause.

When I arrived at the religious court, I saw my husband sitting next to a woman who was the cause of my husband suing for divorce.

Although this heart still hurts when remembering the betrayal of the two, but I still force these lips carve a smile even though a little bitter when both of them look at me.

All I did was for my son, a baby born into our marriage that lasted about ten years.

A few minutes on the bench to wait for our trial to begin, a woman in black called my name and husband to enter the courtroom immediately, the sign is that soon you will hear the results of the trial verdict.

We sat side by side facing the judge, our seats were only a few meters away.

Despite repeatedly trying to refuse a divorce, I could no longer do anything about it when the man who had given me a son dropped a talaq on me.

While beating my chest that felt tight I could only speak in my heart.

"I finally had to give up." clear circles kept sliding down my face, and I kept beating my chest hoping to slightly reduce the tightness I felt at the time.

After reading out the divorce trial and consideration that is quite long that is almost three months, finally today I and the man who once promised to always take care and love me, it is now legally declared legally and religiously divorced.

"Brother Hardin son of bin Sahabuddin and Sister Widia Saputri bint Arman I declare legally and religiously you are officially divorced." The loud words spoken by the presiding judge before knocking the hammer made my heart uncertain, on the one hand I feel sad to be separated from the man who has been living with me for about ten years, but on the other hand it feels like my heart is relieved to be able to be separated from the man who always breaks my heart.

As an ex-wife I demand absolutely nothing from my ex-husband, I demand no home, nor any other property including a living for a child, whose custody falls to me. I think an ex-wife might exist, he said, but there was never a former child. From there I thought if he realized having a child from our marriage, then he would fulfill his obligations without having to be asked.

Before coming out of the courtroom I reached out my hand to her, the ex-husband welcomed my hand.

When our hands shook one sentence I said sincerely from the bottom of my heart.

"I'm sorry if during my time as a wife I can't be as I want, and I beg you to stop eating and drinking me during my time as a wife mas." I asked sincerely from the bottom of my heart, hoping for sincerity in his heart while supporting me first while still his wife.

"I'm happy with everything, I'm also sorry if as long as I'm a husband I can't be a good husband and can't make you happy" said the ex-husband in a voice that vibrated like he was holding back a cry.

I see the face of the ex-husband changed softly, I myself do not know what is in his heart and mind at this time, only he and Allah SWT know.

After removing my handshake from her, I immediately resigned.

"Good self, excuse me." I said before leaving the courtroom.

I came back riding the motorcycle I used to buy with my own sweat.

On the way I kept thinking about where I should go with my son just the way, because after officially divorced automatically I had to get out of the house that we used to live together. where the house used to be we woke up with great effort together. Because it has become one of the conditions of the ex-husband, if I want custody of our son falls on me.

By being forced to agree to the terms of my ex-husband, because to me my son is the most valuable treasure in my life.not comparable to a diamond though, let alone just a house.

Before continuing on to my aunt's house where I left my son this morning, I stopped by for a moment to calm my heart and mind by sitting contemplating on the beach.

I remember what my ex-husband said ten years ago when he asked me to ask my parents.

At that time I was seventeen years old and had not even graduated from high school.

Due to economic factors I was forced to quit school to ease the burden on my parents, I was forced to accept a proposal from a man who is currently my ex-husband.

At the beginning of our marriage my husband seemed to love me so much, but it did not last long. When our marriage age entered the age of one year, Allah SWT gave us confidence by leaving a fetus in my womb.

At that time my husband seemed very happy when he found out about my pregnancy, he also became more and more affectionate with me.

But it didn't last long, because by the time I was seven months pregnant, my ex-husband was caught having a relationship with a girl. It was stressful for me because of too much thought, too much thought, it also made me have to give birth to my son in a premature condition.

My heart aches like it slices when I find out that my son's weight is only one thousand four hundred grams at birth, as a result of which I have to temporarily separate from my son. I've been allowed by the doctor to return home, but my son has to continue to get intensive care in the hospital, and that's been going on for over a month, I had to go back and forth to the hospital to just bring my son an exclusive breast milk.

Since the incident my son was born in a premature condition, the ex-husband never ceases to apologize, because it is aware of the cause until I have to give birth in a condition that has not even seven months.

The power of God is so extraordinary as time goes by the weight of my child's body is increasing, although my son still often has to go out of the hospital when he was still a year old.

I thought my husband's attitude would change since the presence of our son, but that hope seemed to be in vain because it was just a figment.

After my son was one year and five months old my husband even likes drunken drunkenness.It is not uncommon for my husband to come home when the time shows at three or four in the morning.

I wanted to feel that at that time I asked even angry from wherever he was, but it was not done because if I asked so it would even provoke his anger, he said, while we were still hitchhiking at my parents' house.

I do not want my hope of getting married young want to lighten the burden of both my parents, instead being the fruit of the mind of both parents when they heard we were noisy.

The activity of going home until the early hours of the morning continued to be done by my husband even almost every day, until I felt bad for both my parents.

Even so my husband still carries out his duties by supporting me and our son.