Anesta And Mahesa
Candour

During the three years of long distance courting with Anesta, I felt very heavy. Sometimes there's the temptation to have a girlfriend who's in town with me, until when I need her, she's near me.

There were some women approaching me. Requesting my attention. Trying to get my love.

I always rejected them with my usual attitude. I never responded to the love they offered. Anesta is everything to me. I have not found a woman like her.

His letters and cards are always present. We also talked over the phone. Even though we call every time, I talk more. He is more often a listener.

"I'd rather write it for you in a letter. So you can read it over and over again, Ben"

But I still feel empty, I want him to be there next to me. I want to hold her tight when I miss her so much. I could only touch her when she came home from college. 6 months after we met.

When he came home from college for a month, I always tried to spend more time with him. As much as possible I reduce the hanging out with my friends and reduce my busyness on campus.

One month is too short for me to miss. I also followed him there. I just want to feel his life and get acquainted with his friends who he often told in his letters.

I was there for only one week. Following routine. After that I went home and I felt lonely.

I just want her to always be with me.

"Ben, I can just go home next year huh?"

"Why?"

"There's a busy campus that I can't leave"

"Why are you more concerned with campus activities than me?"

"Not so Ben, I didn't mean to make you feel insignificant. Don't make me into this dilemma dong"

"Give up, if your campus activities are more important. Yes it's okay! " i'll hang up immediately.

I just want him to understand I'm angry and don't want to be cheered on even with college activities.

He called me again to apologize and ask for my understanding. But my anger doesn't subside easily. I don't want my wait to meet to be a waste.

When I was overcome by my anger, there was the figure of Tiara. A woman who has liked me for a long time. I was tempted by his attention, his kindness and the love he offered.

We ended up very close, I felt like I found someone who was always present when I needed him. But I know I never loved him.

I finally accepted Tiara's love, she expressed her feelings for me. And I welcome him. I just need his figure. Maybe Tiara realized that I didn't love her.

A few months dating her, I felt guilty for lying to Anesta. As a man, I have to be honest.

I called him that night, to tell him the truth. I deliberately compared him to Tiara. So that she would hate me so much and eventually forget me.

When I said it, he just kept listening. At the end of the phone he said "Ben, if that's what you feel is best for you, do it. I'll never get in the way"

After that he hung up the phone and I felt very lost. I still love him so much.

I never received his letters again, his cards and his phone, even on my birthday. I feel my soul is empty. Not even a Tiara is able to fill the void of my soul.

I had a drink once and got drunk and that night I called him. 12 O'clock at night.

I heard her still sleepy voice answer my phone.

God, I still miss him!.

"What's the matter, Ben, calling in the middle of the night?"

"I just want to know, did you get my replacement?"

"Yet, why?"

"Hahaha, it turns out you can't forget me. You know Nes, I'm happy with my new boyfriend right now"

"You hear Nes?"

"...."

"Anesta!, I'm happy!"

"Ben, I'm going to bed. Good night!"

Then she hung up the phone, and I cried.

The next day I called him to apologize for my actions and words.

And I can never contact him again. I feel so guilty. I feel like I did bad to him.

"One day you'll love me Ben. It's just a matter of time. I just have to be patient"

I stay in my stance. I left her.

***

When I found out about Anesta's whereabouts and got her new phone number, it felt like I was multiplying my happiness.

I was determined to meet him. I have to tell you everything. Apologized. And I want to express my feelings to her. That I still love him. I wish he would come back to me.

And now he's in front of me, with a new look. She looks so pretty. L like it.

He's still my old Anesthetic. Only her appearance is different. But the way he talks, the way he says things to me remains the same.

I was like a defendant in front of a judge when I told him everything. He just kept looking at me and listening to me talk without even cutting me off. I know there's still anger in his eyes. I accepted.

There was relief when I finished telling all. I hope he understands what I feel.

He remained in his position, looking at me fixedly without speaking.

****

Universe

I looked into her beads as she told us about our past, as she made the decision to part with me because of another woman.

I know he honestly said it. After he said it, what did he expect?. Does he want us back together?.

"I just want to tell you the truth Nes. I feel like I've hurt your heart so much. My heart also hurt to keep everything this long"

"I didn't expect you'd forgive me so quickly. I just want you to know Nes, until now I still love you"

I took my breath, "Forget the love that was once there, the longing that had come between us. Forget everything that's ever happened"

"Take me home, Ben. That's enough for me to hear tonight"

"Nes, wait. Will you forgive me?"

"Yes"

"All right, I'll take you home. I can still see you tomorrow?"

"For what?"

"Let's just say I'm seeing you as a friend"

"If I refuse, will you back off?"

"I think you know me very well Nes"

"You'll be up!"

I was lazy to argue with him, because I knew he would come to me anyway.

"Tomorrow I'll drive you?. I'll pick you up at 9 in the morning"

I just nodded my head.

During the trip he told a lot of stories. Miscellaneous stories. It was like he had a lot of story supplies. Most about his family. About Emi who is studying abroad for a scholarship. About his father and mother who had urged him to get married.

"How am I going to marry Nes?. My boyfriend doesn't have it"

I saw him rolling his eyes.

"Hmmm, you're the one who mostly chooses. I think there are a lot of women who want to marry you"

"There's one person I wish I could be my wife" I heard her voice soften.

"Just give your hope to that woman"

"I'm afraid he's rejecting me"

"If you don't try, you'll never know. Does she accept you or not?. That's one of the risks of a fight, man!" I pat her shoulders while laughing.

"Well Anesta, I'll try one day"