Love Without Crown
The Beginning of the Destruction (Part I)

"No matter how hurt and broken you are, the world will stop at nothing to pity you. No matter how desperate you are, the world will not grieve for you. There are only two options: to let you die or to keep going. Which one did you choose?”

The atmosphere this afternoon was very hot, I looked at the hustle and bustle of the urban suburbs from the apartment that became my stopping place when there was a need here. This small town, became the starting place of suffering as a human being, until he managed to get out of the way to the island of Java. All the worst and best memories are stored so neatly in memory, memories that make me miss but on the other hand make me hate.. longing and hate at the same time that often makes you confused when you have to choose to hate or miss. We often forget the time but always remember the event, it is true. As I remembered the details of the time, I forgot the beginning of the tragic story, when a burly hand touched the tiny body of a six-year-old.

“Honey, let's rest, later in the afternoon we have to go home.” The soft voice of my husband broke my daydream.

“Iya darling.” My response was short while walking towards the bed to rest.

The shady gaze of the man who had been my husband for three years was so soothing, a man who was willing to accept me for who I was, including the darkest story of the past because for him the future was more important. I felt like he was a special gift after the repeated condolences that made me despair, making me ask God if there are still good men for me?. I knew him when life was tiring, when confession and supplication for forgiveness were earnest. I want to be closer to God and want to be part of the servants that God loves. Right now I'm lying next to my husband, but my memory is reminiscing about past events.

I was born with two brothers, one girl and one boy. They both have close friends who often go home, friends are like family, even parents know each other. When my older brother had a friend who often went home, I felt my older brother increased with the presence of bang obi and bang egi. But who would have thought, bang egi backfired for me, when his depraved deeds he did to me. I am famous for a beautiful face even someone who wants to make me his adopted child, that is what makes parents quite possessive, although still children, in terms of clothing must be covered.

“Nak right yes.” Said bang egi who hugged me with the state of open pants.

He enjoyed it so much, and I don't remember what it was like, which I remember a few times, bang egi said it was a nice toy, which I had a good toy with, but not everyone can play so it must be kept secret so that no one envies me. He sat in a chair looking out the window, and I was on his lap, right in my brother's room. This action was done when the house was quiet, I who was playing invited to play this toy. But, the action was stopped, either caught by the family or how, which must be a nice toy he did not do again. At that time, I lost my memory related to this, only very few remembered and the family silenced no one discussed it, whether they deliberately kept it a secret or did not know.

Bang egi was still as usual, still visiting the house, still friends with my brother. I who cannot remember perfectly do not mind his presence because I do not understand that what he robs is the crown as a woman. Was it after that I was normal? No, I was scared and sometimes there was a desire for the game, but at that time I managed to control myself, not because I understood it was not good, but because I did not want to do the game again.

I grew up well, of course, because my parents took good care of me, my teenage years spent in school with all academic activities and exulses and became part of the outstanding students in school, when Junior High I was not dating, only liked someone in silence, the popular upperclassman. Bang egi is married and has children, usual attitude bang egi, this time when meeting him bittersweet memory pieces appear because it is sexual abuse, sexual abuse, things I never told my family. I hated him, especially when I saw his daughter, it felt like I wanted to swear to experience what I experienced, immediately dismissed because it was unfair if the child bore the sins of his father. But, does not karma not always affect the perpetrator? Could it be someone who loved the perpetrator? Suddenly I laughed softly, imagining her crying over her son, imagining her waking up and apologizing while kneeling to me.

Sexual abuse that occurs at the age of six years has a more severe impact, the older the more closed, quiet, moody, parno, and vindictive. When I was a teenager I felt men looking at me out of lust, not out of love for me, which is why I chose not to have a boyfriend. Whether this was just a feeling or a reality, as it qualified the two, when the tragic thing repeated itself, was so terrifying that it had wanted to kill that person.

Starting when I was 17 years old, there was a PKL obligation from social field schools, where we were divided into groups and then placed into remote villages for 30 days. I got a village two hours from the town where all the way to a location filled with forests and plantations, the closer the village the more there is no signal. Living with a good family, like a family, then helping each other, more precisely self-conscious because hitchhiking in the family's house during the PKL. The father had an unmarried son, I introduced him, this for the first time would accept which then became a special relationship, because the child was still in the mine then could not often meet.

It didn't feel like it was one year of our relationship, we were 12teen years old and she was a widower with no children. At that time the reason was willing to accept because it was carried away by his dramatic life story, amazed by his efforts to succeed. When his brother and I visited his house, he stayed over because when the rain was coming home. Her parents at home live three with her younger sister who is still a teenager.

The sound of the door opening slowly, my very sleepy eyes spontaneously opened. I immediately got out of bed, suddenly the burly body of the man pushed me into the bed, pouncing violently while kissing the lips brutally, I immediately resisted using the weak force after waking up, finally able to fight even though initially almost lost, my victory left bruises due to his safest. I ran out of my room wondering where my brother and sister were? It turned out that they were making noodles in the kitchen, they were surprised to find me running with fear and shock, thinking it was a nightmare.

“Tadi pasapa mau ahead startled diana suddenly run from room.” Said the man casually.

“Yeah mb dian, it's quiet yes, here we are again cooking noodles, later we eat together ya.” Take his sister who is stirring noodles.

When the meeting with Andri arrived, we rarely met because of their respective busyness, it has been 10 years he worked in mining, mining, if people say I want because of the material then it is a big mistake because during the work it is not a single asset in his name. Slowly I directed to buy assets in his name, my age was fairly young but related to investment has been taught since entering the beginning of Junior High School.

“You do not work there and do not know what risks in front there, investment still have money.” I'm giving you advice.

“Yes too yes, just thought, all this time I gave to the family until I forgot to myself.” His response while lowering his gaze.

“Iya, try it first, I just want if we are not a match, at least there is a good thing in me that you can remember, haha!” I'm lirih.

“Hahaha, we will continue togetheraaa!!” he cried while drinking juice.

I opened my eyes with my body lying down and my head feeling dizzy, this room was so foreign, trying to gather awareness, my net was looking intently at someone who was sleeping soundly beside me, he was a andri. Tears poured down as I found my body covered in blankets, clothes strewn on the floor, the last memory I had was eating together in the afternoon, and?!.

“Halo darling, already awake?” The one who woke up because of my crying.

“We finished what?!!!” Hysterical too.

“Love, darling.” The answer is without any sense of sin.

“You're so good, I must have always missed him!” He stroked my hair.

The rest of the energy, I directed to go to the bathroom, under the shower sobbing because it felt very dirty. The man I had considered good for almost two years, in fact, crushed me to pieces, angry at myself for failing to keep up, asked God the question of this cruelty, why do I have to repeat it? Why should I be a victim of sexual harassment? During this time I did not wear sexy clothes, rarely had a male friend, both my hands were reflexively tearful, I wore a mendi shirt and came out of the bathroom.

“Let's do it again!! I'm already dirty and it seems like my way of life is like this, being a male lustful gratifier, let's do it in my conscious state!!!” I cried in despair.

“Ah dear, you are getting sexy!” He cried while pulling my body towards the hotel mattress, no matter my tears were getting heavier not because of just pain but because of disgust and anger at me.

That was the beginning of the destruction that I did in a conscious state, having previously been an unconscious victim, while enduring the pain of a shrill laugh filled the room, this was the filthy world that I had just entered, I've turned into a dirty and wild woman, a woman who's starting to make love a new hobby. He without permission has challenged me, then he will never be able to run without my permission, he will always be bound to me until I get bored. I don't know what kind of ruin it will be, it's the dumbest choice I'll be happy with.

This memory fades and then disappears as my eyes begin to close with drowsiness, my husband has already fallen asleep.