Give me back my son
God, This Test is Too Heavy

I am like a small boat in the middle of the ocean, tossed by the waves. Not knowing where to go because my body was thrown wherever the wind blew, even the blow slowly destroyed my defensive wall.

In this big house there are no sons and husbands, now I am confused where to find them. Because I really don't really understand the world outside my husband. While the stock really does not exist. As long as we were married, I was locked up in this palace. As long as it's not too much of a problem because I don't really like to hang out with other people.

That's why I decided to go back to the police station. I don't want to give up. Previously I ventured to borrow or rather ask for the fare at the security guard because I did not want the incident this morning repeated again. Fortunately he was really good, a hundred thousand note was given to me.

Arriving at the police station, I returned to make a report. Even determined not to go home before getting certainty because it does not currently know where to go because the door of the big house is now tightly closed for me. I don't know which sin is causing me to have to accept all this.

For two years married to Mas Dani, I feel like I've done everything really well. As a wife, I feel I have done my job well. Serving it as much as possible. All his business I try to do alone without being mixed handled by the maids scattered in the big house. On our baby Sean, I tried to take care of him as best I could. There is nothing that can disappoint Dani. Even when my mother-in-law suggested that Sean drink formula so I wouldn't bother too much, I refused. For me, as a mother, giving breast milk if there are no obstacles is a responsibility that must be done. Especially if I'm not working. Twenty-four hours at home, so there's no reason not to breastfeed.

As a daughter-in-law I also try to be as devoted as possible. I who grew up without the affection of my biological parents tried to give my best service. Not perfect, but I don't think I'm disappointing. So also as a brother-in-law, at brother Dira, I try to keep the best attitude possible in order to be a pleasant brother-in-law. During these two years we got along very well, even like a big sister. She even got better when I was pregnant with Sean. His attention was incredible to me.

Then what's wrong? I try to remember. But still I didn't find the answer. Until my head is dizzy.

"Not coming home yet?" suddenly Akbar came. It looks like it just came.

"Eh mas," I forced a smile. "There is no certainty. Still told to wait."

"Oh so. But the wait shouldn't be here, at home."

"Oh yeah, sorry." Mas Akbar seemed to feel guilty for his last words. "Yan, if you need a friend to talk to, even if this sounds cliche, but you can talk to my mom. I mean look, my mom, she's an ordinary housewife but her understanding of life is very broad, you know, she's twice our age. His experience has been a lot. Perhaps by talking it can remove the burden on your mind." He took my phone, asked me to open the code, then put in his mother's number. "You can call or send a message. I'm very confident that by talking, it can eliminate a little of your burden or it can be an input for you."

Although to be strange with the idea, I welcome it with pleasure because I really need a friend to talk to. But to my surprise, why did he offer his mother instead of himself? Considering I know her, not her mother?

"Okay, now how about we have lunch. You look tired. After eating I accompany you to wait here, I will even ask about your report to my friend to follow up immediately." Said. He took me to the Padang restaurant which was right next to the police station. We ate together there. Although my stomach is very hungry but not much food can enter my stomach because my feelings are still mixed.

***

I finally returned to the home as well because my case was still waiting twenty-four hours. When I arrived at the home, I cried. Miss Tari hugged me. He suggested that I take a break in one of the rooms belonging to the nanny's mother who had stopped. I was also loaned a change of clothes because going back and forth during the day made his clothes wet with sweat.

Now the sun has returned to its contentions, while the night has come. I could only feel the immense sadness of having not seen my son for thirteen hours. Only on the prayer mats can I shed all my sorrow. I don't know what's really going on. I hope God opens this veil and brings me to Sean. He needs me, as well as my increasingly tormented self because in addition to missing my son, I cannot give him breast milk.

This is a very painful torture. I've never felt this kind of torment. I want to meet Sean, I can't be separated like this. Mas Dani, I don't know where he went. Earlier this morning he only promised to go home for a while to pick up Sean, but why until now there was no news from him. What the hell is going on? My world is collapsing. I want to see my son and my husband.

"You haven't slept, Yan?" aunt Vienna, one of the nannies at the parlour is approaching. He woke up and went to the kitchen to get some water. "Definitely your son and husband's thoughts? The patient Yan. Auntie knows you must be sad and confused. But there's a God, Yan. God will show you everything. There will be a silver lining. You're patient." He patted me softly on the shoulder. "If there's anything you can help, don't hesitate Yan. Maybe we weren't too close when you were little, but auntie loved you, even more than the other kids. Aunt pity you, Yan. Why are your exams so hard."

"Thank you bi" I said. Who could no longer speak because of the severity of the suffering I felt. I don't know when this ordeal will be. I don't know if I can live tomorrow without Sean. Even to close my eyes I couldn't. I'm really devastated to lose my son. He is my most precious one.