Not Ustadz I (Unrevised)
20. The scream of a woman

"My love story always looks like a torn cloth."

I used to imagine that love knits would always give me tremendous power, a marriage that would always look beautiful with children as a form of affection. I thought that if domestic violence was a real joke that didn't need attention, I felt like I could choose the best man in the future.

In fact this is not as beautiful as my fantasy that always floated at night, in a short time not even two years my husband turned out to have had an affair. We live not like a couple in general who sleep in the same place, but we have been separated from the beginning. His return has always been a dream for me, for a week he can only go home one to two days. Even though at the time we were still in the approach phase was not this bad.

The first daughter born made me choose to stop working as a nurse, and then I went back to work when she was two. A year later, I finally had twins.

Not enough has my husband hurt me by having an affair in the golden years of our marriage, he's already playing behind my back. At that time my pregnancy was at the age of three months, at that time I was surprised by a group of people with one woman who almost slapped me.

The woman was angry with me and confessed that if she was the unofficial wife of my husband, I firmly said that I was his official wife. What makes me upset and annoyed is the fact that he already has children from my husband, even though he already has a husband but still plays with people's husbands.

My tears do not stop flowing and like someone stupid I still love my husband, all his betrayal does not make me angry but makes my heart hope for a change for the better. The illegitimate wife that was hidden from me did not make him regret, he still liked to play with his female friends.

March 11, 2011_ I miscarried, just as I was about the fourth month of pregnancy. My second son left the world before he even saw it, where our life became difficult even my first child I took to sell during the day to eat. I don't think my husband eats either, I think he's struggling on the right path, I think he's working hard for economic improvement, I think he cares about me. Apparently not.

She was playing with a woman who was her illegitimate wife, I think she forbade me from working as a nurse because she wanted to be in charge. But he was deliberately destroying me for not wanting to be rivaled by the woman he destroyed, he destroyed me half my age just for the sake of an irresponsible woman.

I spilled everything on my three-year-old son, I cried at him and poured out my heart to him. The family relationship I dreamed of just crumbled, my husband teaching my daughter out loud. My son always gets bruises even almost all over his body, if he does not comply then his hand will be hit with a broomstick. His back was covered with wounds from the lash of a hard belt, his face was covered with bruises.

I can't stand to see him persecuted, and in the end I always try to protect him. Even though I was hit as long as my son wasn't hurt, then it was fine. Every time my husband came home he would get angry, every time he saw a cell phone he would get angry, every time he was hungry he would get angry, every time we didn't think he would get angry. Whatever we do, his hands will float for us. I was taken away from my family, away from my friends, away from the territory where I lived.

I thought that after I followed him into living in a distant place, I would see a change from my husband's selfish nature. Then we will fight together. It turned out that reality was more bitter than expected.

"What is my fault? Why do you always hit me?" I said I was not strong with my husband's treatment.

"YOU ARE NOT A WIFE! CHILDREN ARE NOT PROPERLY EDUCATED! LOOK AT YOUR SON WHO DIDN'T EVEN ANSWER MY QUESTION!" His voice blamed my son.

A slight annoyance from me made him angry and ended up slapping me, to be honest I only pity my son who was looking with empty eyes. The wounds on his body were not ignored, he just remained powerless because he had not eaten.

The stupid me still hangs with him for love reasons, my son who always listens to my heart's outpouring looks like a lifeless doll. He was silent as he looked at the ceiling of the room, I who was crying was accepted with pleasure.

All those years I lived like a fool lulled in sweet words that might last one to three days, once the mood was bad, my husband would definitely scold me and beat my son. My six-year-old son always seemed aloof, never got pocket money, and always bullied his friends. Even though I see it that way, I am still blind with love.

Until one day I heard that he hit his friend with a bruise. He who was involved in a fight pissed me off and finally I beat him, he looked at me blankly. He was sobbing in the corner of the room, and he finally fell asleep there.

From the time I felt unhappy, my mother was a stepmother who always hurt me from the moment I was a baby. My father always wandered away so rarely at home, I was always bullied and treated like a maid. So I thought about learning as much as possible so as not to have bad luck in the future, but it turned out that it made me weak when I found out my fate was worse than my childhood.

I realized that hurting my son made me feel no different than my husband, after a few months my husband did not come home. I found my husband remarried to an illegitimate wife to be a second legal wife, either because I was hurt that day for too long I did not cry. I felt like I accepted everything, and my only daughter didn't mind it. Sometimes I feel like he matures faster than his peers.

I lived my life working and continuing to make money to eat my son and in addition to the tuition, the rest was borne by my husband. He grew up to be a quiet child but at school he was often involved in quarrels, I only told him what was right and what was wrong so he could sort himself out.

The hard life he had been through led me to believe that if he was more mature than I thought, the suffering he felt was no longer an obstacle to continue to grow. He learned a lot about writing from songs and stories, I think it's a hobby that will be useful in his future.

Until in the end I had to leave the world forever because of an accident at the age of 10 years. As a mother who has struggled to survive to the point where I have to close my eyes, I just wish she had a better life than me. I also prayed with all my heart, expecting him to have more parents than me even though this time as if nothing could be expected.

"Jeon. Please take care of my son. Please, I'm sorry to always bother you. I'm really begging you Jeon, promise me you'll accompany her even from a distance, please take care of her like your son. please.."

"Yes.I promise to take care of her.my best friend.."

END