The Light of Love for Seroja
CCUS 40: Pick Up Light

Seroja seemed to be looking for something in his wardrobe in the early hours like this. I don't know what he was looking for, but his hands seemed busy fumbling through the folds of clothes. In between her busyness, accidentally her fingers held something that was under the folds of the clothes. The clothes on the bottom shelf which is the clothes during his childhood are still stored and neatly arranged. I don't know what the purpose of the mother since long ago still keep these clothes. But his heart seemed to be getting warmer, because like this, it was like a sign that his true mother really loved him.

Seroja pulled his hand, when his fingers touched something. A small pouch of cloth with lace accents in navy blue. He opened the pouch and then he took the contents stored in it. And a small white prayer beads were clearly visible in front of his eyes.

"Maxos ... "

That name was immediately released from the lips Seroja when staring fixed white beads. A prayer beads that reminded him of the figure of a little man who used to always protect and defend him when he got discrimination from his friends. And a prayer beads that made his brain recorder events twenty-two years ago. A dark night in which he left the city of Jogja with fragments of wounds.

This is for you Seroja. Use this when you feel sad or scared. Grandpa Juna said, this will make your heart always calm and never feel afraid.

The words that had been spoken from Fakhru's lips suddenly flashed clearly in Seroja's ears. The net view cannot be separated from this white prayer beads.

"Is it true that Fakhru said this thing can make me feel the peace of the soul?"

Still fixedly staring at this little white beads, Seroja started swinging her footsteps to get out from inside the room. Still with the prayer beads, he intends to sit on the terrace while enjoying the early morning atmosphere today.

But the movement of his legs stopped when he passed in front of the usual room occupied by Ana and the mother. Slowly he approached towards the room and slightly pushed the curtain cloth that became the cover of the room. Both netraannya catch the figure of a woman who is standing facing the qibla by performing prayer movements. Seroja watched closely what Ana was doing. To the extent that he was unaware if he was starting to dissolve in his own mind.

"Assalamualaikum... Assalamualaikum.. "

The greeting sentence that was spoken from Ana's lips in this room, became a sign that she had fulfilled perfectly the eleven rakaats she had founded. Continued with dhikr and prayer, Ana looks so solemn in the breaths of love to praise the almighty gripper of life. Praise the majesty and compassion He has given in this eternal life.

Allah created an air that His servants could breathe freely to be the source of their lives. He entrusts the heart, lungs, brain, liver, kidneys, and all that is in the human body as well as one of the forms of God's love for His creatures. And by establishing obligatory prayers and qiyyamul lail like this is one way humans to be grateful for all the blessings that have been given.

He bowed in reverence, dissolved in his prayers and prayers. Asking for the life he lived, always in blessing. Not only in the world but also in eternal life.

Ana rubbed her face after she finished raising her hand to raise all that became her request to the Khalik. His forehead is slightly pucker. I don't know why he felt someone watching his movements behind his back. A little he turned his back, and sure enough Seroja appeared to be standing in front of the bedroom door.

"Seroja Serbian?"

Ana's voice successfully broke Seroja's daydream that was standing, silent and fixated at the door. The woman also only gave a slight smile.

"Suster Ana ... am I interrupting?"

Ana got up from her position. He approached this woman. "Of course not Mama. I'm done praying."

"Suster Ana has just performed what prayer?"

"I just prayed tahajjud and witir, Ma'am."

Seroja's forehead frowned slightly. Although since moving from Jogja he never prayed and occasionally get religious knowledge in school, but he remembered what was taught by ustadz that there were five obligatory prayers. And nothing is done in the early hours like this.

"That's prayer what Sus?"

Ana held a slight smile on her lips. "One of the sunnah prayers that are so recommended by the Prophet. This prayer is also called qiyyamul lail, or night prayer because it is usually done at nights like this. When people are still in their dreams."

"Why is this prayer so recommended Sus? This is just a sunnah prayer, right? And not obligatory?"

The sweet smile grew wider on Ana's lips. This time he was absolutely certain that Seroja would find the turning point of his life.

"In addition to gaining a noble position in the hereafter, those who perform tahajjud prayers will also gain a noble position in the world. God will give him glory and dignity. The one who prays the tahajjud prayer then prays, God willing his prayer is granted by Allah."

"Does that mean that if we pray in a third of the night like this, God will immediately grant our prayers Sus?"

"The Seroja should know that Allah is far more aware of what is best for His servant. He knows better when the best time to grant the prayers offered by His servants. If our prayer has not yet been answered, be assured that it will be answered someday. Like pedaling a bicycle, prayer is like the pedaling of a bicycle. Over and over again we paddle, and believe alone can lead us to the destination. Just like prayer. By repeating the prayer, God will one day be granted by God."

Suddenly Ana's heart was overcome by warmth. He nodded steadily. "May be sure, I will teach Seroja to pray."

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Seroja PoVs....

When I peeked at what Sister Ana was doing in the early hours like this, somehow my heart was suddenly filled with an unfamiliar feeling that was somehow her name. I really caught the signal of peace and tranquility when I saw the prayer movements performed by Sister Ana. Especially when he raised his palms, with tears dripping from the eyes seemed to make me wonder what the woman was crying about.

Sister Ana said she was crying because she remembered the sins she had committed. Sister Ana's answer really struck my heart and squeezed my heart so hard it felt like a throbbing pain. Sister Ana who is so devout in worship still thinks of sin? Then what about me? I who never keep His commandments, do not care about His name and drown to forget Himself, it never crossed the sins that I have committed. Then how many sins have accumulated in my body if every day as long as I live in this world always accumulate those sins by never worshiping God. Is it possible that in an instant, those sins can be shed? I questioned that to Sister Ana. Again he gave me an answer that convinced me to walk into the light.

****

The night is approaching, decorated with cloudy clouds that dim the reflection of the moon's light. Suddenly the night sky became dark. And the earth became dark. A strong gust of wind shook the curtains of the room window, and a moment after it began to sound the speck of rain, breaking the loneliness and silence of the night.

After coming from sister Ana's room, I hastened to fetch some ablution water in the bathroom. Although I never prayed, I still remember what a teacher taught me in my childhood. After that I went back into the room to do what Sister Ana taught me.

A prayer mat and a prayer mat, Sister Ana lent it to me. And don't forget, a little prayer beads given by my childhood friend that I just found were also lying there. At first glance, I looked at the three items. My eyes suddenly warmed up. My lips shook and my heart beat irregularly. These things should not be foreign to me, considering that I am a Muslim. But why do the things in front of me feel so rarely I touch? Not infrequently, but I never use it at all. No wonder if in my heart a taste, I am a sinner who has been far lost.

I forgot the last time I wore mukena. I forgot the last time I was impassioned, bowed, bowed, and praised the majesty of my Lord. I completely forgot the last time I did it. And now that it was in front of my eyes, I wanted to touch it again, and then wear it to my Lord.

This time I felt something different. I felt a void and emptiness in my soul. I feel like something is really missing inside me. Could it be that this time my God is greeting me? So I can get back to him? Could it? Could it? Could it?

***

Assalamualaikum... Assalamualaikum...

Two rakaat I finished tuning. Armed with a little religious knowledge that I had gained as a child and occasionally I got through religious studies in school, as well as those taught by Sister Ana, I used to perform this prayer. Prayer sunnah repentance, seems to be the beginning of my intention to get closer to my Lord.

I sat facing the Qibla. I recite the words Istighfar to ask forgiveness for all the sins I have committed. Sin because all this time I did not follow His command, did not care about His name, and drowned forgetting His self.

Not only that, the words tasbih, tahmid, and tahlil I say to praise the majesty of my Lord. As a form of gratitude for all the love He has given me. Although I am a despicable and sinful servant, He still holds me tightly in His love.

It was an old prayer that missed its master. Mukena dangled, never tasted the smell of the body. The sinner and alpa in the temples of his creator. Now bowed like a fallen leaf from its twig.

I ... Yes, I am the sinner. Flatterer 'sampannya' kedustaan, connoisseur 'beautiful' maksiat. Full sin suit with 'luxury' suit shetan. The path of life is only a misguided.

I love the Divine with its worldly makeup. Yes Rabbi.. Do I deserve to be called your servant? Is your Word foreign to me? Even a hell of a bitch is reluctant to forgive.

Yes Divine... Is there a dust of your forgiveness? Yep... Just a grain of dust to forgive thousands of my faults. I put your name on every oath. But you smile silently. And I am lena without rebuking You.

In every air I breathe you do not make a mistake. Until the tears that slapped me made me realize how bad I was. Verily all is Yours, and I am but dust before You.

The tears were flowing down my cheeks. I was crying on this long bed. Tears of remorse for the sins I have committed. I realized that I had walked far away from my Lord. Which makes my path unguided and only finds nothingness. Only one of my prayers, no matter how many sins, I hope that the door of forgiveness is still wide open for me.

Allahu Rabbi ... witnessed by the rainwater rains out there. Blowing of the baby so cold that it pierced the bones and and the branches of the trees that swayed while glorifying Your majesty, I Seroja Ayu Anjani knocked at the door of Your forgiveness. Go back into Your arms and ask for the blessing of my life. May You forgive me, Lord... For it is your forgiveness that will make these footsteps ever more directed. Ridhoi my way to the light of Mu yes Rabbi .. light that can illuminate the footsteps that will never make me stray again.

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Who asks when Seroja will meet with Fakhru? InshaAllah in the next part yes sis.. heeheh please be patient 😘😘

Note️ there are sentences that author copas from one of the poems with the title "Pray of the Sinner" by the Indigenous (2018)