INSECURE, Love of the Past
I was wrong, brother!!

I'm getting ready to go with Ivan today. He said today Daffa, Silvi and Kak Aldi will also play to Situ Patenggang. I was so happy that Daffa could come, that I became confused with him.

Now I've been a little away from Daffa since I dated Brother Ivan. Likewise, Daffa was getting away since dating Silvi. Daffa who was always there when I was devastated by the loss of Indra, he who always comforted me and now I do not have a friend as good as Daffa anymore.

While I was tidying up the clothes I was wearing, there was a sound of Daffa saying greetings and it seemed that mamah had opened the door,

"Eh, there's Daffa.. Want to play huh? Maria told me she wanted to go there." Mama's words were heard all the way to my room.

"Yes, I was invited by Ivan to come there." Answer Daffa

I went out of my room and met Daffa.

"Daffa, it's been nyampe.. Oya, where's Silvi?" I asked Daffa.

"Daffa, come in first." Mamah. Daffa sat down on the sofa, and went to the kitchen to get a drink for Daffa.

"Daffa, what's wrong with you? Where's silvi?" Ask again.

"I broke up with Mar." Daffa answered with a sad face.

"Huh? Wh why? How can?" I was surprised by Daffa's words.

"He left me for a man richer and more everything than me." Daffa.

"Seriously you? How long have you been breaking up? Right now at school, she is very happy with me. He hasn't been spitting on me for nearly a week."

As I chatted with Daffa, Brother Tiara approached us.

"Mary, this is your bag on the stairs. Why not bring it?" Said Brother Tiara.

"I'm sorry, sister, I forgot.." My answer.

"Yes already, I want to join Aunt Rani to the market first yes Mar."

"Yes Brother.. I'm also leaving, wait for Ivan first." My answer.

Not long after that my mother came to bring drinks for Daffa and was ready to go to the market with Kak Tiara. Daffa and I were still in the living room waiting for Ivan to come.

After Mom and Tiara left I asked Daffa again.

"Daffa, are you seriously cheating on Silvi? I feel it's impossible. I know Silvi how she is." I was surprised to hear Daffa's explanation.

Because as far as I know Silvi is a good person. He couldn't have hurt Daffa.

"Yes I'm serious!! I saw for myself that he was making out with that guy again, he was kissing at his house when I went there. I also did not think he was like Mar, his innocent face turned out to be just a lie. Never mind Mar, I don't want to remember girls like that anymore. I want to have a boyfriend..... I think you're." Daffa said which made me very surprised to death.

"You mean Daf?"

"Yes, you are very loyal to Indra. Although Ivan has been chasing you but you do not intend to stay in Indra. You even took a very long time to accept Ivan to be your girlfriend. Ivan is the son of a wealthy businessman, he is the successor of his father's company. Obviously Indra lost in terms of material, but you firmly rejected it." The words of Daffa that made my heart beat fast.

Daffa's explanation left me agape.

"What's? Ivan's brother is rich? Said who? Why don't I know Ivan's life?" I said while holding back my guilt.

Because all this time I have never found out the life of Ivan, I do not know who his parents are, whether Ivan has a brother or not, about him I do not know at all.

And Ivan knew all about me. Sis, I feel unworthy of all that big Brother's love and affection for me. It's worth it Brother was so disappointed when I was still crying over Indra's departure. It's worth it Brother feels that I don't love you, because I don't know your life Brother, I don't know all about you.

Oh God, why do I know now that Brother Ivan is a rich man, why did I just know that Kak Ivan is the successor of his father's company. Why should Daffa know when I don't know. Though I'm her boyfriend, I should know about Ivan's life.

"Do you know that Ivan is a rich man?"

Ask Daffa who brought his face closer to me.

"I don't know anything about Ivan, Daf.." I'm shrivelling..

And when I bowed my head, the voice of Brother Ivan sounded in the doorway.

"Assalamualaik." Brother Ivan and Brother Aldi.

As Daffa and I looked towards the two of them.

"Why? How do you see me like that?" Ivan asked who was astonished by the looks of the two of us. While Kak Aldi like confused and wrong behavior should be how.

"Van, sit here." Say Daffa, and now Daffa is away from me and sitting next to Sis Aldi.

Now Brother Ivan sat beside me, looking at me who was looking at him full of guilt.

"Why baby?" Ask Brother Ivan softly.

"Why aren't you being honest with me?" I said while looking at the beautiful eyes of Ivan.

"Honest what, baby?" He asked while holding my hand.

"The rich man's brother, right? Brother's successor company father's brother?" I said, and Brother Ivan was surprised by my words just now.

Brother Ivan glanced at Daffa.

"It's time for Maria to know Van, who Lo really is." Daffa.

"Sorry Maria. I don't want to lie to you, I just don't want you to reject me because I'm rich. I don't want you to be insecure and not confident enough to date me."

"I'm doing this because I love you. I want to have you as a whole, I want you to love me as you are without looking at my looks and wealth." Said Brother Ivan.

I hugged Brother Ivan who was sitting next to me. I don't care about Daffa and Aldi's gaze seeing me hug Ivan like that. Brother Ivan hugged me too, and he rubbed my hair. I said, I said,

"I'm sorry Brother.. Sorry I didn't know about Big Brother, sorry because I was too selfish, sorry because I didn't try to figure out Big Brother's life, sorry because I never understood Brother's feelings.. I'm sorry.." I said as I cried in Ivan's arms.

"Udah, don't cry my dear.. I should be the one apologizing to you. I'm not honest with you, I lied to you about my economic status." Answer Brother Ivan.

"Thank you, you always understand how I feel. I love Brother did not see from the treasure or the handsome face of Big Brother, but I sincerely love Big Brother." I said while releasing my arms from Brother Ivan.

"Ehem, ahem.. When are we leaving?" Said Aldi surprised me who was friendly with Brother Ivan.

Daffa who was looking at me smiled bitterly, I understand your heart Daffa. I'm sensitive that you feel the same way about me, but I can't accept your love because I don't love you.

I was sensitive as you held me gently and affectionately as Indra lay weakly in the hospital, I was sensitive when you were always there for me, I was sensitive as you tried to replace Indra's position in my heart.

I love you Daffa, but love you as a friend. While my feelings for Ivan exceeded that, though not beyond my taste for Indra.

Forgive me Daffa if I can't return your feelings. Because the heart can never be forced. I just want you to be my best friend forever, now or later.

May you someday find a lover who truly loves you and loves you, Faisal Daffa..

...****************...