Kan Kukejar Dreams
Angga Diary

From what he saw, Nathan was able to deduce that the diary had been around for a long time. Nathan's conjecture turned out to be true, when he saw the first year his brother incised his pen on the first page. If counted down, it is clear that his brother began writing when the man was still sitting in High School.

4 October xxxx

Dear diary

Today, when I got home from school, I saw the boy playing with a toy I bought secretly yesterday. It turns out that Aunt gave it to him.

I glared pretending not to see him as he ran towards me with his little legs. You know, what did he say when he was near me? he asked me to play with him. I wanted to hug her and say 'yes', but what came out of my mouth, really didn't match my heart. I refused him outright, even asking him to go all the way on the grounds 'i'm tired, and I'm not playing with him'. I saw him bowed with his sad face, and walked away from me. But, you know, I felt my heart ache, and involuntarily cried as I entered the room. So hard to fight my ego that actually loves my youngest brother. I always hid my love behind the walls I built myself.

Actually, it's not without reason that I'm acting like that to her. That's because I always remember that she was born from the womb of the woman who once made my mom and dad divorced. Although I admit, the woman who gave birth to him has always been kind to me and Arsen, even better than our own real mama. However, I felt that the kindness that the woman showed was simply camouflage to cover up her guilt. I assume there can be no good woman who makes another woman a widow.

Nathan recalled the moment, where he was 7 years old and his brother was 16.

Nathan re-opened the second, third, fourth and so on, the contents are almost the same that is about the ego of Angga who loves Nathan in silence.

Nathan had wiped his tears many times, because he felt touched by what his brother wrote in the diary. Then Nathan again stopped at a sheet he remembered vividly.

8 May xxxx

Today was the first day I saw Nathan rebel. He had already dared to reply to my words with a very hurtful speech. She said, if I may ask, she also does not want to have a sister like me. I was angry and feeling sick. But I try to show that I don't care about what he says. Indeed, because of my mistake in saying that if I could choose, I did not want to have a sister like her. But, behind that, there was also a sense of pleasure that slipped into my heart with the courage of Nathan to answer my words. I feel like he has grown into a strong person. Oh yes, today too, my brother Arsen has dared to fight me and defend Nathan. I don't know why I feel like this is because of Nathan. My little heart justifies what Arsen said at the time,"

Nathan sighed heavily, then reopened the next sheet.

9 May xxxx

Hi Diary ....

You know, Nathan left this house today. I should be happy, right? nah! not at all! on the contrary, I am not happy at all. Do you know why he chose to leave? yeah, you're right .. she left because she finally knew she wasn't born from the same womb as me and Arsen.

*So, I insulted him with very harsh words. I said he was a kid who never wanted his presence. I thought she was going to cry or get angry. But, he was smiling. He said that tears had been his friend all along. He even confidently said that he would prove to be able to live alone without the help of family and would be successful. My sister is more mature than her age. He was grown by circumstances.

I told him, if he dared to step out of the house, I would not spend a penny on his tuition fees. Actually, I said that, so that he trembled and re-thought not to leave. However, I really did not expect. He was undaunted and instead went on*.

I wanted to prevent him from leaving, but again my ego was more domineering than my guilt. My mouth felt stiff to call him back. Somehow, I feel that he won't be able to live alone out there. Am I wrong to wish he would come back tomorrow? yeah ... I hope he'll be back tomorrow.

May 10 xxxx

Hi Diary, today I looked at the door many times, like waiting for someone to come. You know who I'm waiting for? yeah ... I'm waiting for Nathan to come home. But, as of late tonight she has not returned at all. Where is he now? to let go of my longing, I prefer to go inside her room. I felt his presence in that room.

May 14 xxxx

It's been almost five days since Nathan left the house, and there seems to be no sign that he's going back to this house. What am I supposed to do now, Diary? do I have to lower my ego, ask him to come home? Because I'm honestly worried about her education, which will soon be the final exam. But, did you know I became relieved after I secretly followed her back home from school. It turned out that he was living in an apartment and was studying hard with a girl. I don't know who the owner of the apartment was, which is clear I would like to thank him.

Nathan was eager to stop reading on that sheet he had just finished reading. However, curiosity was still stirring in his heart. The young man re-opened the next sheet with his hands still shaking.

10 June xxxx

Dear Diary's ....

Today is the day Nathan has been waiting for. You know what day it is? yes ... today is the announcement of her graduation. Whether whispering from where, I deliberately took leave and encouragement from where, the car I filed towards his school. But, I did not dare to enter at all and just looked from afar.

Nathan's tears seeped again, imagining his elder brother standing in a distant place, and seeing his interaction with Arsen.

"Why the hell does Big Brother have to behave like that? you know, brother, if I want to be like someone else who can get along with his brother. Having fun, because of small things, sharing clothes with my sister and much more that I want to feel, like everyone else feels."

Nathan reopened sheet by sheet.

June 20th, xxxx

Hi Diary, I have a very bad headache today. Indeed, I have had many times the pain in my head but I have always ignored it and considered it just an ordinary headache. But, the pain I felt this time was really very sick, until I finally decided to check it into the hospital.

You know, I felt like the sky was collapsing and everything was dark, when I got the fact that I had a brain tumor.

I wanted to feel like I was yelling, life is not fair, but, I immediately remembered the sister I had neglected all this time. He alone can be strong and stand tall when he has felt injustice for dozens of years. Why was just given this disease, I already feel that life is not fair? Unknowingly, it wasn't Nathan who learned from me, but I who learned from him. I thought that I should be strong and should not be weak in front of anyone, and determined that no one should know, even if it was Arsen and Nathan.

Oh yeah, today so eager to get home from the hospital, I didn't expect Nathan to come up to me. I just found out that the woman I hate is in a coma. I don't know why I don't feel happy? weird right? I wanted to hug Nathan back then and comfort him. Yet again the wall of selfishness that was so high again forbade me to do that. I just put out some spicy and painful words for her.

Nathan lowered his pride, by admitting defeat to me. I was sick to hear that, it hurt. He was willing to beg me to help him go far, when he shouldn't have to do that, right?

Just so you know, actually at that time I pretended to still show my hatred for him, and tried to stand up straight, when at that time my head was very sick. I told him I could help him but it was the last time. It was with a heavy heart that I told her never to contact me again, when she had gone far away. I was so sick when he stopped her. If you were me, you would feel the pain too, right Diary?

27 June xxxx

Hi, Diary!

*Did you miss me? I have been ignoring you for a week. Not on purpose, but I'm busy taking care of my brother Nathan's departure. I have to take care of the papers he needs, to the Bank to make a card that has branches abroad. I have also managed to sell 4 of his paintings left at home at a very high price. I put all the money along with the tuition that papa had prepared first, into the card because it was his right. I also willingly put in my savings for him. For my medical problems, I can look again. Only one painting remains, one that makes me feel guilty all the time. That's the painting he gave me the title 'A*I'm an invisible child'.

For some reason, I believe that Nathan will definitely use the money for useful things, including to continue his studies. That's how trusting I am of him. I'm sure that he will be able to succeed as he said all along.

28 June xxxx

Today is the day my sister will go far. I acted as if I didn't care, but from afar I also drove him to the airport. Stupid am I? I waved my hand at him when he didn't see me at all. I also said 'good way my sister, may you be successful and will never be looked down upon by anyone even this world, even though she also did not hear my words.

Back home, how surprised I was so aware of the fact that all this time I misunderstood Aunt Naura, Nathan's biological mother. I know the fact that the mama I thought was good, was not as good as I thought. I know the fact that my mother was the cause of papa's death, and wanted to eliminate Aunt Naura.

I came to apologize to Aunt Naura, and because of her greatness, the woman I once hated forgave me sincerely. But, even though I knew the truth, I chose to remain silent, when I found out that they were looking for Nathan's whereabouts at the time. It may sound evil, but I have a reason for it. I didn't want them to ask Nathan back, so Nathan wasn't focused on achieving his dream. I feel guilty? yes of course I feel guilty, but come back again .. I just want my sister to be successful, although indeed if she returns to Indonesia, she can be successful. But, I think he will be more satisfied with the achievements he achieved himself, compared to if he succeeded because he got help from Aunt Naura who is his mother. I just want him to appreciate the process, rather than hitchhiking his mom or dad's big name.

Nathan was no longer able to continue reading the next pages. His heart really hurt reading the strands by strings of sentences that his elder brother had scratched.

"So, that's the reason why the amount of money on the card is so much. It turned out that Brother had thought of everything. I'm sorry, Brother. I didn't know that you loved me in your insults and insults" Nathan sighed in his heart.

Nathan suddenly recalled, where his account always increases every month. "Does this have anything to do with brother anymore?" Nathan opened the diary piece by piece and he finally found the answer in the last leaf.

Nathan's been in London for 4 months, but I'm still sending money to the account I gave him until I can't stand my illness, because I realized that it was my responsibility as the eldest brother. Although I know the money he brought before is still very much. But, I don't want to use the money that is his right. At least I feel like I can be an older brother while replacing the responsibility of the deceased papa.

Nathan closed the diary and put it on the table. "It's not that kind of responsibility that I want, brother. All I want, is a hug and attention from brother. That's more than enough" Nathan murmured on the sidelines of his sobs.

Tbc

Wow, this one chapter is 2000 words. Usually two chapters. Love gift dong guys. Like, vote and comment too. ⁇ 🥰