Treasure, Throne, Renata
Rania's Anxiety Rania's Stories

The wall clock shows at 02.00 WIB in the morning, I woke up from my sleep because I wanted to urinate. The age of 7 months makes me have to go back and forth to the bathroom every hour. As I got out of bed, I checked my phone on the bed, no messages or missed calls from my husband. I put the phone down again and immediately walked to the bathroom.

After coming out of the bathroom, I sat on the edge of the bed and immediately contacted my husband Ray. The phone is active but not lifted. I shut it down and I tried again. Worried shrouded me, Ray has not arrived from Bandung until this hour. He left for Bandung 5 days ago. The promise is only 3 days, then say extended again because you have to take care of the office and busy completing the application in order to launch immediately.

“ Hello “, the voice across there answered my call.

“ Pap, where have you been?, you got stuck ga pap?”, ask me with a restless tone while holding back sleepiness.

“ Yes it was jammed in Cikarang mam, now it is still in the Bekasi toll creeping nih “ he replied in a heavy voice. I felt a sense of tiredness from his voice, my worries growing.

“ Have you eaten yet?, are you sleepy? If you are going to move to the rest area. Want me to talk to you, pap? “. I flocked Ray with a number of questions. I think Ray was confused to answer which one was so tired.

“ Nothing. I slept an hour in the rest area, I just bought bread at the supermarket. You just sleep, don't wait for me “, replied Ray briefly trying to calm myself. My worry is not reduced, but it is growing. Ray's voice was very heavy, indicating extreme fatigue.

Every time you return from Bandung Ray always arrives at home in the early morning. He departed from Bandung after magrib, then went home to ride the traffic on the Cipularang toll road. Currently there is a project to build an elevated toll road and LRT, therefore it is jammed in Cikarang until Bekasi is inevitable again.

I've never been to Ray to Bandung. I am the original Bandung. I met Ray in 2009 at Cihampelas while I was working for a travel agent. He is one of our loyal travel customers. Because we met so many times, Ray tried to find my number and we finally got to know more.

Rayendra is a sweet and sympathetic man. The way he approached me was not excessive, he was very polite and friendly. We often exchange stories, throw jokes at each other and chat over the phone. Ray lives in Bogor with his mother and three brothers. Ray is the second of four children. Ray often told me he had a brother and two sisters.

His older brother, Anggi, is married and has a 2-year-old son. They still live together. Ray often told stories about his funny pondering, Aldo his name. Ray has a younger sister named Triana who is often called Nana, and the youngest sister is Raditya. Nana is still in college and Radit is still in 3rd grade High School. Ray often tells of his bustling and tumultuous family. I often laugh at the stories of his brothers and sisters, the warmth of a family I never felt.

After experiencing peddling for 1 year, I said that I did not want to date. I want to have a serious relationship with a man who is committed. I'm 25 years old, my friends are getting married. Ray said the same thing. He wanted to be serious with me, he said there was a belief he wanted to choose me to be his life partner.

Our relationship journey has not always been smooth. Anggi's sister is very sick, the doctor sentenced her to breast cancer. It was broken in the hearts of all of us. The cancer has reached the final stage, it can no longer be helped. I witnessed how Ray's parents took care of Anggi, I also often went back and forth to visit Anggi in the hospital. Brother Anggi told me to be patient, brother wants to see me and Ray get married. It is sad that I have to think about marriage, while Anggi is struggling with his illness. The costs that have been incurred by papa are also not small in number. But Allah loves Brother Anggi, he was called to face the Powerful One after 1 year of intensive treatment.

After the mourning period was over, Ray and the family had arranged their lives. Ray began to think about our relationship that would be taken to the next level. Ray finally married me and he decided to stay with me in Bandung. Ray applied for a job and he was accepted into one of the creative companies. From there we began to organize our lives until we had 2 daughters.

When my second daughter was born, Ray got an offer to work in Jakarta. At first we had a Long Distance Marriage. Ray stayed in the boarding house and returned to Bandung once a week. Ray is a family man, he loves our kids. Until one day Ray asked us to come to Jakarta, because this LDM really torments his mind. I also agree with his offer, because a wife must obey the will of the husband.

We contracted in the apartment Ray rented in Jakarta, he said so that practically there was no need to bring goods when moving. We didn't stay in the apartment for long because the rent was quite expensive for us. Moreover, mama had to come with me because she helped me take care of my second child Kica. Then we contracted a house in South Tangerang, as long as we contracted we enjoyed the joys, ups and downs of his career journey.

“ Where has Ray been, why he does not call me again “, my mind wonders looking for my husband who is somewhere. I'm afraid he's starving, something's going on down the road or something. I know exactly the traffic on the highway is exhausting. Moreover, my stomach is enlarged, old pregnant syndrome is easily agitated due to the influence of hormones and a fragile body holds the burden.

I can't just stay in the room. The anxiety in my mind is becoming more and more. Restless anxiety makes my stomach uncomfortable, my heart becomes anxious. Since Ray was often in Bandung, anxiety always haunts me. I watched him have to pander to Bandung, and return home with a long-sighted and tired face. The target he faced was quite heavy, not to mention there was a pile of side jobs that he had to do. Ray was diligent in taking a side project, he said for the cost of giving birth and paying home installments.

I opened the door to my children's room. They are still sound asleep. Kila slept on the top level mattress, and Kica slept on the bottom. They fell asleep while hugging each other's beloved dolls. After I fixed their blankets, I closed the door and went down to the living room downstairs. I decided to watch television while waiting for Ray to come home.

Suddenly I heard the door the sound of the roar of the car in front of the house. I heard the sound of a padlock being opened and the gate of the house creaking loudly. Thank God Ray has come home. I walked down the stairs, being careful. I held my tummy shaking. Apparently the dede woke up and kicked around. He knew his father had gone home.

The sound of parking sensors was heard as Ray pulled back his car. As soon as I opened the door, Ray got out of the car and carried his backpack.

“Loh ko ga sleeping anyway?”, he asked in shock when he saw me standing to open the door of the house.

“ I can't sleep, I call you ga picked up pap”, I replied while trying to reach for Ray's backpack, but he refused to give me his bag.

“ No need, the bag is heavy. You sleep at what time is this”, he exclaimed with a tired look as he lifted his black backpack and carried it into the house.

I went to the kitchen to get him a drink. Ray sat on the sofa leaning against his body on the sofa. Eyes closed.

“ It's pap drinking, you want to eat? There is only instant noodles anyway, you want me masakin mi ga?, ask me slowly while massaging his arm.

Ray just shook his head, he was silent for a moment. He said he'd just sleep. Not many words came out of his mouth. I sighed, trying to be patient with my husband. I can see it, I can't bear to see its weariness. I know he is struggling to support us. His meeting with investors in Bandung was good news, but behind it there was an extraordinary struggle that Ray had to redeem in order for his business to run according to target. There were not many words I could say to her other than prayer. May you be tired of being a lillah.

Ray apparently fell asleep for a few minutes. He realized then was shocked to see me who was still waiting beside him

“ Loh you have not climbed yet, you are sleeping at 04.00 nih“, he said while taking the glass in my hand. Slowly he took my hand, taking me to our room on the second floor. I walked up the stairs cautiously, Ray walking behind me.

Actually I want to tell him a lot, a story about the behavior of children, a story about the movie I watched last afternoon, a story about my neighbor who turned away from the laptop yesterday, and there's so much I want to tell my life friend. But he was tired already. Once in the room, Ray dropped his body on the mattress without changing clothes or cleaning the body.

I gently rubbed his head, I enveloped his body which instantly closed his eyes without speaking. Ray put me to sleep with a feeling of sadness and disappointment. Sayup-sayup heard the sound of the morning adhan reverberating. My eyes are heavy, my body is weak. I resisted my drowsiness so I could walk to the bathroom to get some water. I moved slowly and entered my bathroom. I opened the water tap and started washing my face to my feet. My drowsiness is gone, maybe I should have spilled this anxiety on the Power. God may be longing for me to keep calling His name.